30+ Seeking perspective and direction - Not giving up the ship!!

[DAL1969]

Hello LDRers

Never been much of a forum participant so this is a new experience. Seems a little odd to me to ask strangers for advice on very personal matters but the web is a huge resource so let's do this. Trying not to rant here but there is some background leading up to what is currently happening.

Anyway, currently in a LDR (going on about 6 months now). Been with my SO for 2 yrs. Both 45yrs old. Both divorced at about the same time so we 'went through divorce hell' together and supported each other. Incredible love for each other (intense). I can honestly say (without trying to be cheesy) that I've never felt this for anyone (not even a wife of 23 yrs - married young). We both discussed marriage down the road and children (big steps but none taken lightly).

To escape her divorce she took a job in MI (already had a house and family in that area), with the idea that I would follow and we could both have a respite from the madness and start over together. I was fully intent on doing this, applied for jobs and was preparing to move. A few months of LDR and things were still going well.

But, as time moved along, reality hit me and I realized it was too soon. I will add another detail (I have 3 kids, 22, 18, 13 - youngest 2 are girls - and she has no kids). Reality hit and I realized that I can't leave my girls. Especially following a divorce. So begins the spiral downward. I turned down job offers and kinda put the move on hold.

She was of course disappointed (as was I) but she seemed to understand (very strong good woman). I reassured her that we can work out 'something' (not exactly the right answer). I ended up getting another job and renting a small place in my city. Again she was somehow understanding (but more nails in the coffin).

Also, by this time I had not been able to even visit her due to scheduling and financial setbacks.

As time went on things were ok, constant communication, Skyping, everything. Then suddenly her stepfather passed. She wanted me to be there for her (and I was not). I went into a guilt-ridden, selfish hole and kinda disappeared from her thinking she was better off without me because I couldn't be there for her (thinking that her family was enough). I was wrong. Very wrong. I was basically a selfish %^*&head and failed miserably (something I am working out with counseling now). I now carry immense guilt and remorse for my actions (or rather inactions). I disrespected a beautiful relationship because of how I was feeling personally (beating myself up for this).

About 5 days later, I contacted her and we worked things out but things were sensitive but seemed to be going normally. Then out of of the blue she disappears on me (becomes very cold and distant). I start to freak out because I'm not hearing anything. When I did talk to her she was withdrawn. This went on for about 10 days. She basically told me that the relationship was just treading water and my 'plan' of 'something just working out' was not a plan. Point taken. Karma is 'you-know-what' and I deserved it.

So there were about 10 days of 'hell' and not knowing what was happening. She did respond sporadically here and there telling me she need time to think and process. So, I stepped back and tried to calm my freak-out routine.

Last few days things have been looking up. She is talking to me and we do say our I love you's every time we talk. She has expressed to me that she is afraid of falling back into it and have me just disappear again (I get it). The experience with her 'disappearing' for those 10 days was devastating for me (I've never felt that level of negative emotion in my entire life - sleepless nights, not eating for days, just overwhelming, desolate worrying). It's one of those life experiences that will have a lasting effect on a person. I have expressed to her that I am truly afraid as well (not just saying that, I truly feel that fear).

I have now written a plan of execution to reunite us (no dates, just high level milestones - financial, employment, living) and she has responded to it relatively positively. I am now 'getting off my butt' and getting the ball rolling.

I have also offered to schedule a flight up to see her but she said she's not ready for it. She expressed that she's afraid she will fall in love with me again and I will just let her down again (I get that too).

In a nutshell:
- 2 yrs together - deep relationship
- she moved away with the idea I would follow
- I held off moving because of children
- I failed her when she needed me (I selfishly disappeared out of guilt)
- She disappeared because of fear that I would fail her again (and it freaked me out - I became a weirdo basket-case which is unlike me)
- we are now finally talking through our fears and trying to mend things (slowly)
- she knows how I feel and understands, but she is just afraid of falling again
- I've sent a hand-written apology about not being there for her (snail mail)

I am taking it slow, baby steps, listening, talking and working my way through this to gain back her confidence in me. I will fight for this relationship and I want to make sure I'm not missing something. Reading some other posts and suggestions the 'take it slow' route is probably the best bet. I still feel love from this woman and I don't think she has found anyone else or anything like that. And I truly feel that this is what she wants as well. It's a matter of gaining trust. I guess this is not just an LDR thing but also a larger relationship thing. You would think after a 23yr marriage I should know what the heck I was doing.

BTW, I am a Navy veteran with multiple deployments (and family separations) and have never felt like this. I have gone about this LDR completely wrong and have taken her granted that she would just be there (very selfish of me).

Anyway, after all of that (yes it's a lot of info), I am just looking for some insight, perspective, previous experience with this kinda stuff.

I appreciate any words/help/direction on this. Please ask questions/criticise/whatever.

Thanks
DAL

[differentcountries]

I think you should visit her soon, if you can already buy the plane tickets. Go over there with flowers and a real plan. For instance how old must the youngest be before you feel comfortable moving away from her? How soon can you try for kids (her being 45, ideally that should be tomorrow)? Another option is simply that she could relocate (you helping her with everything practical of course).

[DAL1969]

Thank you. Relocation back here is the option that I've provided in the 'plan'. She is slightly frustrated with her new job and just being there alone (even with family around). She is open but hesitant to the idea because she just moved up there so recently.

I would say another year for my kids (actually only my youngest) would be enough. It was just too soon following my divorce to go away like that. My daughter even hates the idea that I'm only living 8 miles away now. It's still so raw.

Believe me I want to visit her as soon as I can. I'm ready to go now but she is resistant (which I understand). It all comes down to trust at this point. I can't let her down again. I just talked to her about this morning and she said she's just not ready to see me yet. Frustrating but I understand.

As far as having children yes we can't wait too long. But, she is insanely healthy and we can hold off a bit.

Thank you for the response.

[sasad]

12 years married, just divorced here.. My SO moved to Florida, bought a house and set up life for us. I have an 19 yo and 17 yo (step children I raised) and a 10 yo biological child.. I know what you are feeling. At one point I was ready to just give it all up and move. He was the smart one and said wait... you will regret that and me. He is right. Its hard to even think of leaving your kids especially if its so far away and so so fresh....

We went through a HELL patch as well. He pulled away to give me space etc. It was a bad mistake and led to a bitter argument. He asked to fly up the next day AFTER i said no no no. I finally agreed that he could come up 2 days later after I had time to think a little. Honestly, that is what made us. We talked in person and were able to touch and talk and hug and cry.
Go to her. Talk to her. Tell her how much it means.

Good luck with kids... I was pregnant 2 years ago at 50 lol.....

[DAL1969]

Thank you thank you!

That means a lot to me. I'm not alone in this. I am giving her the space she is desiring. she is a very independent/dependent kinda person (if that makes sense). We are talking regularly but there is still just a barrier of fear.

I will fly to see her as soon as I get that warm & fuzzy that it won't kill everything. I know I broke this thing but it's not irreparable. Just taking time. Although, I'll admit all I wanna do it contact her 24 hrs a day (that's where the freak-out, basket-case creeps out of me). But I'm holding back.

Thanks again and congrats on the kid!!

[Unicorn26]

As a 42 year old going through divorce I can totally relate.

I think she's just really scared of getting hurt. When you get to our age you just don't have the time to mess around anymore. I think you need to go and see her, woo her, be hopelessly romantic, send her YouTube links to sappy songs and cute meme's, flatter her, tell her you were wrong and you can't stand the thought of not being with her...

Me and my SO have both been hurt really badly before and the thought of it happening again scares us both to death. You seem like a really decent dude who's in tune with his feelings so don't hold back. She needs to know you feel this way. Women really appreciate that, especially at our age when we are tired of mind games. I know I appreciate my SO honesty so much, it's a breath of fresh air and one of his finest qualities. I love it that he tells me everyday that I'm beautiful and he loves me. That stuff means a ton to me.

Good luck, I hope this goes well for you and you can work things out. Open and honest (and frequent) communication is the secret to success in LDR. It's vitally important. My SO could text me 100 times a day and I wouldn't get annoyed by it, I always love to hear from him. I'm sure if she loves you she's not going to mind.

[DAL1969]

Thank you...I think you nailed it. She is terrified of being hurt (by anyone not just me). So she has become very resistant to just giving in to me. I understand now completely because it's just happened to me. I don't blame her, it's a defense mechanism. I have amped up the romantic stuff and I know she loves that kinda thing but my fear is overdoing it (if there is such a thing).

Thanks

[delitonik]

I haven't gone through a rough patch that needs to fly the next day to get things right again. But I think that we all have the same problem when we already when through a separation or divorce... we are all scared of being hurt... again. I am 29 and that is one of the arguments I gave when I started my LDR that I was afraid of being hurt once more, and even with that I went ahead and did it. I trusted him. Right now she is afraid of being hurt again and trust is an issue once more which is possible to over come if you give her the reassurance. Go to her, talk things in, set the cards on the table and get a plan that works for both of you. Even if she says that she is not ready now, she is probably hoping you actually do it and show how much you care and how much you want this to work. Don't wait to long!