30+ Apologize for missing my significant other?

[Rusty]

It's me again, looking for advice instead of offering it. My excuse is that I'm inexperienced and need to survive my LDR before being able to offer advice.

My significant other and I went into this month knowing that he would be extra-busy with work, likely working even weekends (he normally works during business hours on weekdays). I suppose I was ill-prepared despite knowing there would be no choice. It would have helped to set a definite date for our next rendezvous, but we didn't and I don't want to bug him about it just yet while he's busy. Coincidentally, or maybe not, I'm missing him more than usual this month.

Also, this week I identified some causes for my insecurities in this relationship and am eager to overcome them because I realize how destructive they could be in an LDR that has no definite date for closing the distance.

It might be the combination of these factors that is making this week especially difficult. We've been in touch by text and Facebook each day but not as much as I was getting spoiled with before this week. Conversation has been sparse and seemingly forced, and my fears are driving me to keep trying to sustain conversations for reassurance while worrying about bothering him. This evening, when it seemed to be more relaxed and flowing, I had to interrupt it to take a phone call for a while. After that, I couldn't really get the conversation restarted. I told my significant other that I wish I could feel closer to him and after that, I apologized for having such a hard time this month. He didn't respond, spooking me badly. Eventually I said I was going to bed (so much for that!) and said that I hope we get to talk this weekend over phone or Skype because it would really ease my mind. His good-night message wasn't as romantic as it usually is, and I panicked. Now I'm afraid that I let too much insecurity show and want to wait until the end of the weekend to try calling him (I don't know if he'll call me before then) and then apologize for bugging him. I'm afraid of pressuring him into telling me he misses me too or reassuring me when I know I need to overcome my insecurity on my own.

I'm glad that on this website, I'm in good company--there seem to be a lot of people struggling with insecurity and uncertainty in LDRs. But what do you folks think of this situation?

[Miasmata]

As so often, these kinda things are not black-and-white. It's very important that you acknowledge and work on your insecurities yourself, because any significant change can only come from you and your willingness for it. But no way do you just have to do it all on your own! It's more than okay to want some reassurance and help along the way. You don't need to apologize for having needs and feelings, especially not when they are so natural and understandable like missing your partner when you are LDR. Everyone does that, and it's nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for, especially not to the person you love and who loves you!

Do what you can to take care of yourself and improve your confidence, but don't be afraid to let a loved one be a valid support for you.

[staruletto]

When I'm going through times like that it helps to try and stay optimistic. I think to myself, he could be with anyone he wanted there (he's in Norway, I'm in muricah), but he chose to be with me. Things were getting kind of stagnant for a while but we started playing civ iv and now most days he's bugging me to hurry up and get home so we can play XD. I know that's a but different than your situation but if he's stuck working more than usual he's probably just really stressed, don't take it personally. Just wait it out and keep busy in the meantime, and don't be your own worst enemy!

[MariaEx]

My piece of advice is not to be afraid of him and his reactions. Whenever I have insecurities about us, I mention it directly to my bf. All of us here are in ldr and we know that we don't have the luxury of having a face to face conversation whenever we want, we have to make an appointment to get a phone call, we don't see eachother every day. Ldr is difficult as it is, so we have to be direct, ie " I know, I may sound foolish but is something bothering you?", "Please bear with me this week, it's difficult for me and I need your full support", "I need some sweet words, honey".
Although I despise the distance between us, I am also grateful because it taught me to be more open, clear as to what I ask and what I want from him. So, please, please don't speculate and get miserable, ask what you want and don't just assume things because he paused or said something you didn't expect or he didn't give you the response you needed to hear. Clarity and straightforwardness are very important elements, in my opinion.

[Elizabeth123]

We all have ups and downs...remember to keep yourself busy with friends, activities, work, etc..
Always communicate and listen to each other...maybe he was having a tough day/week also?
When I'm feeling very lonely I try and focus on how important our relationship is to us both. All the best to you.

[Rusty]

Thank you all for the advice. I am still very distressed about how the last week has gone and am going to try calling my SO this evening and try not to worry that I'm bothering him. We weren't in contact yesterday. It's actually common for us to not be in contact over weekends because I often like to go "underground" and not be in touch with anyone while I do things like work on projects or go for a drive, and he has a very similar personality and does the same. So I'm trying not to worry about not hearing from him.

Since this is worrying and upsetting me so much, should I briefly explain that I'm feeling clingy lately because it's coinciding with me having an occasional bout of worry about him just fading away on me? I was in a short-lived LDR eleven years ago that never properly ended--the guy just faded away instead of breaking up, and I didn't allow myself to fully grieve it, which is why it's suddenly back to haunt me now. I wouldn't tell my SO this story, I'd just say that past experience makes me scared of this happening again and I would hope that if he changes his mind about our relationship, that he would be merciful enough to properly break it off. At the same time, I'm afraid to say anything about this because it seems 1) unfair to pressure him into reassuring me, and 2) like I'm giving him all the power to make me happy when I know I'm better than that. If necessary, I would also say that I've found ways to work on letting go of this fear, which is true. Is there a way to let off some of this steam while not sounding helpless or crazy?

[differentcountries]

it sounds like you still need to greive the other relationship. Not getting closure is hurtful, and those feelings are true and needs to be dealt with.

Also, in all likelyhood, you found someone who is just as much passive-agressive in style. And if he broke up with you, he WOULD just prefferably sneek into the night, or at the very best just end it abrubtly and give you no clues.

I am not saying this to be mean. I have been there myself. The non-closure the needs to be grieved, the passive-agressive guy (my SO) that has a very hard time articulating feelings and also lets other things go when work needs him.

I can not tell you what to do. I can tell you what I do, when I feel I have reason to voice my concern with SO: I get honest. I get sad. I get mad. I let myself seem helpless, or crazy, or clingy. I am not afraid of him. And this also shows him that he needs not be afraid of me. Because I can take everything I have got, and everything he has got. I get real. Sometimes relationships are really hard work, humbling even. Not always pretty or sweet. But the worst thing you can do in a relationship is beeing to nice, or too mean. Strike a balance where you let your concerns being shown.

[MariaEx]

In my opinion it is not unfair to ask him for reassurance, if that happened with a friend of yours, wouldn't you ask for reassurance? I can completely understand you, you are afraid that he might feel pressured, you might sound needy and all that. But it's like that, most women, including me, have similar reactions and unless he is 20 years old or you are his first relationship, he has encountered such behaviours. If loves you and sees your relationship as a positive thing, he won't mind, or he will mind but won't affect his decision.
On the other hand, you are in a 10 month relationship, try to sound reasonable and according to the rights that a 10 month relationship gives you. Tell him that because you don't know eachother so well and it is the first time you encounter such behaviour, maybe he should explain it better to you, so as not to make a big deal of it, the next time it happens.
You are giving him all the power to make you happy in a sentimental way, as a couple, why should you worry about that? You give your family, your friends the power to make you happy as a family member and as friend, so why shouldn't you let him know that his love and affection makes you happy? Otherwise why would you be in relationship with him?
Again, I might be wrong and I might speak out of my own experiences, consider it a friendly advice

[Rusty]

On the other hand, you are in a 10 month relationship, try to sound reasonable and according to the rights that a 10 month relationship gives you.

Thank you for this reminder. It's so easy to lose one's head and perspective when struggling with the uncertainty of an LDR combined with bad past experiences and just plain missing one's SO. We have been acquainted for almost 3 years but only really started to get to know each other during our first date on New Year's Day this year. Your point here is well taken and even though we're "old" and he was originally the one to bring up serious topics about the future, the fact remains that it's still a young relationship.

[R&R]

Another big thing to remember is he's not your ex. We all bring baggage from past relationships, but trouble starts when we transfer those experiences onto our new relationships. Your SO is not your ex, so don't worry about him acting like your ex. Though we learn from out past and should keep that information in our minds, it's critical not to automatically assume this is how our new relationship is going to be. This is a new relationship, a new person and a new adventure.

There is uncertainty in any relationship. Only two options are available when you are in a relationship - it is going to continue forever or it's going to end. Those same two options don't change whether LDR or CDR. Yes, LDR has more challenges but it also has so many additional benefits. Perspective, confidence, positive attitude and not over-thinking are so very important.

[Rusty]

Well, I called him last night and we had a pretty normal and enjoyable call. I decided to largely avoid mentioning my worries except for near the end of the call, when I said I was sorry for being so needy recently and said it was great to hear his voice. I said that I know I tend to agonize over "bugging" him and on the one hand, I worry that contacting him to much will bug him but then I think to myself that I really want to talk to him. He just said very matter-of-factly, "How about this: If you bug me, I'll tell you." I laughed and said that would be fine and that I know how forthright he is and will trust him to do so, keeping a smile in my voice. We said good-night and I told him I love him, and I thought he wasn't going to respond in kind--hasn't been as much lately, which spooked me last week. But just as I was about to hang up, he said, "love you too". So anyway, I'm trying to carry on as if all is well but still am grappling with my insecurities. I'm actually working on some self-help and professional help for this. This relationship has been great for personal growth, if nothing else!

[Elizabeth123]

Happy to see you are taking positive steps forward Hoping the best best for you both!

[Stellasman]

I too find myself apologizing for "bothering" my SO with a phone call as hearing her voice makes me feel so much better. Isn't is easy for our insecurities to come to the surface very quickly when you are in a LDR.

[Elizabeth123]

Just my two cents....tell your SO that hearing their voice makes you feel good...hopefully they also value hearing you too.
My husband and I speak every morning...on the rare occasions we can't we both agree our day isn't the same.

[Stellasman]

I know how you feel Rusty I had a panic attack this morning that didn't do the relationship any good at all. It is hard missing someone but the stupid thing is is that you/we apologise for missing our SO...how wierd is that.

I too suffer from insecurities so i know exactly what you feel.