30+ My age is against me

[strongheart]

I'm 51 and this is my first Ldr. So I have been with my SO for four and a half years. We met on holiday and both live in the Uk although 150 miles apart. I'm divorced 12 years and he is separated five years. We both work full time (he does shifts) and both have three kids - mine are girls and his are boys.
When we meet up we have the best times and I feel I am very lucky to have met him. We don't have issues with our children - he has met mine and they like him.
I have still to meet his and they don't know about me. My SO's parents split when he was a young adult and he detested his stepfather. His middle son has asked him not to get a new family and his youngest is ten and very much Daddy's boy.
We have discussed me meeting them but my SO says he doesn't want his boys to think he is abandoning them just yet. His eldest who is 21 would be fine with it but the middle son (17) and
Youngest might have a problem.

I haven't pushed the issue because I respects SO's judgement but wonder how we can ever move forward to eventually live together. My youngest is 12 so moving in together now and in the next five years even is not an option.

I know all his friends and extended family so I know he is not hiding anything. The only downside of not knowing them is that we cannot share activities with them and when he sees his sons on a weekend I cannot be there also. This somewhat limits our time together as my SO works nights and weekends.
I feel a little pushed out when I can't attend family parties because his son is going.
I understand that when he sees his sons on his own they get his undivided attention and he absolutely values that time with them as they live with their mum.

I'm worried that because of this situation we will be well into our sixties before we can be together and feel that time is running out. I have wobbly moments when things feel like they will never work out because the odds are stacked against us and yet I would not be without him and love him dearly.

How do I manage this without feeling selfish and that I'm making a big issue? I want us to have some life left when we get together.

[differentcountries]

It sounds tough that his boys are sceptical towards your relationship. However, 5 years is a long time to go without settling the estate and settling for a divorce, and perhaps the boys are hoping that their parents will get back together. Perhaps divorce settlement would be something to work on if you want to be together.

[sasad]

I am the same age as you.. my SO has no kids and lives in FL... I have a 10 year old and live in VA. I know my ex will NOT let me move to florida with my son, and I respect that as he is the father of our child and wants to be near him. My son has also said he does not want a new mother or father.

My son and SO have met over Skype and they like each other a lot. He knows Adam as Moms friend, and he is ok and actually happy I talk to other adults,... now I am not sure what is going to happen when he knows my so is my boyfriend, but it wont be a surprise, unknown guy.

I have explained to my son, that it is MY Life and MY choices, and not his... but I also told him that I wasn't looking for a new dad for him, but a new friend/husband/boyfriend for me. I know he was hurt by the separation, but children cant run your life. Especially if they are older. My concern with your SO is that he has NOT introduced you after all this time. And they have been separated for 5 years?? That is way way to long.
Why cant you "spontaneously" meet up at a park or fun place for the kids and you all to mingle? That way they can ease into things. Adam and I were going to meet at a theater when I had my son, but he ended up moving before we did, but like I said, we have Skype So we shall see.

My SO left today to go back home. I wanted to go so bad and sometimes I think I will just go. I want the happiness and joy in my life. I don't want to be stuck here for 8 years until my son is 18. My SO and I are lucky. He can work anywhere he has high speed internet. So, starting next year, he will come up and spend a month or more at a time with me, possibly rent his house out. If not, we will stay here a couple months, and go to our "summer home" when I get time off.

[strongheart]

Thanks both of you for your comments. The financial side of things is done she has her own property and this has been the case for four years now but it's not official so I agree it's time to move forward with divorce.

As ssad said I agree we should meet up somehow because the longer it is left the worse it will get and children do not like to be lied to. I think my SO is scared of taking the next step and happy with the status quo. Yes it's a long time to wait to be with your SO but when you love someone that much there is no alternative but to wait.........

[sasad]

Yea... we do wait forever.. sigh.....
I do think you should suggest something. And I don't think its unreasonable. Does his ex have someone around? Did she leave him or other way?

[strongheart]

She does not have anyone she is agoraphobic and does not go out. She asked him to go as they had grown apart having split up temporarily three years previously. They had a loss of a family member which affected them both badly but neither of them appears to have grieved over it or supported each other through it.

[differentcountries]

She does not have anyone she is agoraphobic and does not go out. She asked him to go as they had grown apart having split up temporarily three years previously. They had a loss of a family member which affected them both badly but neither of them appears to have grieved over it or supported each other through it.

I feel bad for her that she has these mental problems, and for the children who are clearly affected by having a mum that suffers this way. Still, it is his reponsability to show his boys he can go forwards and make a different sort of life for himself.

[Unicorn26]

You cannot let children dictate your life to you. It's not fair on you, or them. Life is not like that, stuff happens that doesn't always go the way you want it to, the sooner children learn that the better.

As the mother of two girls (7 and 11) I have just had to tell them that I am in ldr with my SO who they were aware of, but only as my "friend" They have talked to him on FaceTime and they like him, but it was still a difficult thing for them to accept. There is never a good time for these kind of things. You have to bite the bullet and live with the fallout. Children will adapt and are stronger than you give them credit for. If they have been brought up correctly, they should be happy to see their parent thriving in a good and healthy relationship.

If your SO is really totally committed, this should not be an issue. He should be supporting you always.

[differentcountries]

If they have been brought up correctly, they should be happy to see their parent thriving in a good and healthy relationship.

They have not been "brought up correctly" - their mum has major mental health issues and is very isolated. My boss grew up with a mum that was agoraphobic; she had to do all the shopping like she was an adult. It is probably easier these days when you can order so much stuff online, but I am sure these are children who does not get what they need in their home environment. Of course they are scared they will loose contact with dad, he is the only normal parent they have got.

[R&R]

I agree that it's definitely time for him to move forward and actually move forward with the divorce and finalize. Sometimes it's hard for people to have that finality. It can be scary. Even though they have been apart so long, I wonder if he feels a sense of responsibility for her due to her issues and that she is the mother of his children.

With that being said, he does need to talk to his children about you. My daughters were 4 & 5 when their dad and I got divorced. I did the long distance thing with an ex off and on for 8 years and they met him about a year in. When they were in their early teens, I moved to CA (3,000 miles away) with their blessing. It ended up being too difficult for us and I moved back home. They are now almost 20 & 21. They love my SO and have known about him from the start. My youngest boasts that she is the "favorite" over all of the kids - he has 10 kids....and she is the favorite LOL.

My point it, it's important to give the kids credit and allow them to know about a partner. If you were just casually dating - no. You have been in a serious relationship for a long time. What if they find out about it from a family member instead of from dad? He needs to allow them the opportunity to talk with him about it and express how they feel. They may be okay with it or they may be upset at first. He also needs to make it clear that you aren't going anywhere. I find that most kids really just want their parents to be happy.

[sasad]

They have not been "brought up correctly" - their mum has major mental health issues and is very isolated. My boss grew up with a mum that was agoraphobic; she had to do all the shopping like she was an adult. It is probably easier these days when you can order so much stuff online, but I am sure these are children who does not get what they need in their home environment. Of course they are scared they will loose contact with dad, he is the only normal parent they have got.

I have to disagree and am just upset at that comment.. How do you or anyone know they were not brought up correctly because she has a mental health issue? Only normal parent they have? WTH???? Those types of comments bother me as my mother had mental issues and all 6 of her children are just fine. She adjusted for her kids. We have manners, know which fork to use and even know how to behave in public places. Without adult supervision.
Sorry. That statement just bothers me when people are automatically lumped into a group because of assumptions.

[Miasmata]

Mental health problems don't make someone a bad parent. It brings in challenges, but so does any illness in a family, especially if it's chronic. It's a highly individual situation, and some families suffer and some manage fine and many are somewhere inbetween. Don't reduce people to their mental issues, please.

[TaraMarie]

I am also the same age, and I get the "time passing" issue. I feel the same way. My SO is only 42...I keep telling him he will understand what I mean when he is my age. My daughter also did not want me to get married. She didn't want a step father because she adores her dad. But now, she adores my SO and can't WAIT until we are married. They are truly best friends. She says she thinks of him as a step dad but can't call him that yet and he's more than "moms boyfriend" so she calls him her "step-Fred", lol. All three of my kids have fallen in love with him, thankfully. It's time for your SO to speak up. Life is too short to not be happy. We aren't promised tomorrow.

[differentcountries]

I have to disagree and am just upset at that comment.. How do you or anyone know they were not brought up correctly because she has a mental health issue? Only normal parent they have? WTH???? Those types of comments bother me as my mother had mental issues and all 6 of her children are just fine. She adjusted for her kids. We have manners, know which fork to use and even know how to behave in public places.

I am not talking aboout knives and forks, I am talking about that the kids might need extra emotional support from their dad.

[differentcountries]

I have to disagree and am just upset at that comment.. How do you or anyone know they were not brought up correctly because she has a mental health issue? Only normal parent they have? WTH???? Those types of comments bother me as my mother had mental issues and all 6 of her children are just fine. She adjusted for her kids. We have manners, know which fork to use and even know how to behave in public places.

Hopefully she is a kind and caring parent, but they risk becoming her oposite, the "too adult" child that is carrying the load for mum and is afraid to get vounerable because they are too self-reliant.