My age is against me

[sasad]

I am not talking aboout knives and forks, I am talking about that the kids might need extra emotional support from their dad.

Hopefully she is a kind and caring parent, but they risk becoming her oposite, the "too adult" child that is carrying the load for mum and is afraid to get vounerable because they are too self-reliant.

First, the comment about utensils was a touch of sarcasm as I turned out, I guess what you would call "normal" due to a parent with mental issues. Kids can always do with extra support from BOTH parents during a separation/divorce. Its what we do to be good parents, mental or not.

Once again, don't assume. we don't know the severity of her illness, if she is getting help etc. She may be the complete opposite with her children. Bottom line is we don't know and to say the kids are not being brought up normally is not a fair or true comment to make.

Its hard for people that do not have kids to understand what we go through. The lines we are afraid to cross, the way we watch out for are kids first....

Her SO seems to be very concerned about his children. His wife broke up with him. The biggest concern I had, and I am not speaking for others, is the fear that my child may feel abandoned by a parent. We as parents compensate the best way we know how, and that is not always the right way. We learn how to set up new ground rules. Its not just the children, but ourselves we need to look out for, Its new for ALL parties involved.

Is it because he feels guilty for something? Is it because he is afraid of another commitment? Is he afraid his kids may not like her? We do not know. He knows and needs to speak with the OP. It has to be communicated. That's the main issue here and in most LDR's..

No reason to respond or justify this anymore. Its about the OP and her SO. I wish them the best as I KNOW how hard it is.

[strongheart]

Thank you all for your input. I think he feels guilty for not being in his sons lives 24/7 and is scared about divorcing because it will dredge up all the hurt of the past and there may be conflict in the process. That said it has to be done otherwise I will feel that our relationship is superficial and we will tread water for evermore. We are meeting up tomorrow for a long weekend so I will suggest it's something we discuss and he acts on. I also think that divorce will provide some kind of relief for him as I know when mine was final I felt I could live again.

[hmrambling]

I dated a woman for a year who had been separated for years. She didn't get a divorce while I was with her, nor did I meet any of her family. I was a secret. Our relationship was a secret. The relationship didn't feel honest so I broke up with her days short of what would have been our year anniversary.

By being a secret, it enabled me to feel small and unworthy of an honest relationship. But at the end of the day, I knew she was separated (which is technically still married) when I started seeing her. It was time that I took the rose colored glasses off and saw things for what they were: she was a separated (married) woman who was not going to leave her husband and was a secret. I decided my worth was more than that so I broke it off.

There are two things you can do here: accept it or change it.

Whichever you decide, I suggest you clearly communicate how you feel about it.

[strongheart]

I know I am only a secret to his children and he will never go back to his wife. We spent the weekend together and I brought up the subject. I said how could we even think about moving in together in A few years when his kids don't even know about us. He said he had thought about telling his eldest but thought that if his wife knew she would make it difficult for him to see his youngest. I said it limited our time together and he agreed. He also said that he is getting stronger every day and won't put up with crap from her. I believe him as he was very weak before and used to jump to her demands. We then talked about what else we needed to do to get together i.e. paying off my small mortgage a bit quicker and he said he would like to do that for me if possible.

So I feel he is committed but he will do it when he is ready. He has not gone through the changeable yet and is o ly just getting g to the angry stage.

That said yesterday he went off to pick up his son at lunchtime while I stayed behind and had lunch with his family at his mums. It's half term here so my SO is going to spend todAy with his son. It's ironic that as I left his house to go home we passed on the road and he waved to me. If I had waited a few minutes more at his house I would have come face to face with his son.

So today I feel ambivalent about the whole thing. I know he misses his kids as desperately as I miss him but I am lucky I live with my kids and see them 24/7. I don't think he is purposely keeping us apart for his own benefit but actually doesnt have the wherewithal to deal with it. I'm gonna back off for now and get absorbed in something else and leave a bit of a gap.

[sasad]

It does sound like you are talking and that is good. And again, as a parent, I understand where he is coming from. He needs closure from his wife before he can move on, my son will not meet my SO in person, as moms boyfriend until my divorce is final next year. We have to wait a min of 1 year when you have kids in parts of the US.
Best of luck to you both.

[HisLittleBear]

Your partner is a grown man. He needs to sit down with his kids and explain that Daddy is seeing someone else.

Also, he definitely needs to start the filing for divorce. I mean why is he waiting 5 years?

[strongheart]

An update..... my partner finally divorced this year which was a relief. It has meant that we can move forward with some plans f o r the future knowing that his pension is safe.

I have met his oldest son (after six years together) and he has told his middle son about us. However h e still does not want to tell the youngest who is 12 so we are still leading separate lives when his son has football etc. And have separate holidays too.

We have had a good year but the more good times we have the harder it is to wait until we can get together. I still cry when I leave him and hate the gap until the next time. I'm tired of waiting and even though we may close the distance in a few years I'm tired of being a single mum (14 years) being strong but going up to an empty bed every night. I work go to the gym and see friends but I just want him by my side. He struggles being alone and away from his kids but we just have to wait.

I know we are lucky having got this far but I'm so jealous of couples that live together and share beds, meals,baths, problems, shopping etc I just want to cry. It is a selfish pastime but I don't know any other way of dealing with it............

[Petra4Prithpal]

I and my so have Children too .. I'm 49 and she's is 51.. and we have met each other's children .. but haven't broken them about our relationship.. although they may have a slight idea .. but they don't ask .. we both are married and living with our spouses ... And in an LDR since littel less than 4 years now .. agse is definitely not on our side .. would love to hear and have you guys contribute as sometimes we both are stressed up beacuse of what I discussed above ... Kindly advice...Guide ... Support... Contribute and enlighten at will .
Thanks