30+ Honeymoon phase ending? Exhausted myself? What's your experience?

[Rusty]

Hello again, I'm just having a heck of a time lately and looking for feedback again. A couple of days ago, I had a great conversation with a close friend. He was great to talk to because we've been friendly for about twenty years, he has a rational and patient male perspective, and with three sisters and a wife, he understands the female perspective. As I told him about all of my recent relationship stress, he reminded me that my current situation is, truthfully, the first mature, adult romantic relationship I've been in (compared to previous attempts). He reminded me that the time has come for me to step up and be an adult about this situation because of how special my SO is to me. When my adolescent self wants to get between us and wreak havoc, my task is to tell her to "F" off, as my friend said!

This evening, SO and I had a Skype call. Despite the poor internet connection, we stayed on for over 1.75 hours, laughing and talking about the usual things that we like to talk about. We made plans to see about getting together for Halloween weekend. All good things that should be the antidote to my earlier stress.

What's troubling me now is that the last couple of days, it seems that the spark is diminished and this is where the aforementioned call for maturity comes in. Almost ten months in, it seems fair to think that the honeymoon phase could be ending, and since I am confident that SO is Mr. Right, I shouldn't worry (?). I have three questions to this end:

1) When did you all experience the end of the honeymoon phase?
2) How do you think being in an LDR influences the progression of a relationship and the end of the honeymoon?
3) Could I have just exhausted myself over the last week trying to deal with all of the inner demons unearthed by this relationship (AKA, growth process), and am just having a hard time conjuring up passionate feelings for the time being?

If it's useful information, I'll add that he and I most often get together by camping out in his twin-bed-sized tent, so from the beginning we've been used to seeing each other first thing in the morning, being crowded, and spending a couple of days unshowered. I've also hung out with his family a few times and met his childhood friends.

[sasad]

I look back and read your earlier thread as well. I'm not sure that this is the honeymoon phase issue with you. Seems like you're trying to compartmentalize everything and put everything in a box and not just live and feel and grow with your SO
People have ups and downs and ins and outs. We would all burn out if the "spark" lasted 24/7. There are no dates and times set in stone. My SO and I still get stupid giddy and we have known each other for years... A lot of people feel that way as well, I think more so in Ldrs as we are limited with physical time. As long as we keep the talking going, then we are going to keep on moving . I also think Ldrs force couples to communicate or it breaks us. We have the advantage of really getting to know how to communicate about almost anything.
I think most of your stress is coming from things you are doing to yourself. Forcing and worrying instead of letting it go on its own.. Relax. Breathe. Stop trying to timeline and find reasons and excuses.
I'm just not sure what the twin bed camping is helpful for??

[differentcountries]

I think ten months is a little early for honeymood stage to fizzle out, but everyone is different. I would say it happened slowly betwee the first and second year. I mean when we first started to rent together we were like "renting is so sexy" and I genuinly liked to wash his clothes just because they were his, now it is just housing and loundry I certainly feel that having dated for more than 2 years, met family, shared economy and two cats, we are not in the center stage of honeymoon anymore.

What I do find however, is that we are both opening up more about personal that are hard, perhap impossible, to share when you spend all of our time together trying to be romantic. I know just about all his flaws by now, and I think he is starting to see mine. We can still laugh together, about our flaws even. The sex is better and we are not afraid to ask for things we need. The debates about the future are bigger. We have basically gone from "I love to spend time with you" to "Could I do this forever, if so how". Which is more difficult Place to be, but also more exiting.

I am not sure why you tent so much when you are together - for me the number one priority in a relationship is to have a good, big bed. Inside. Unless you get your sexy kicks from outdoor sex, or find it romatic to explore nature together, I am a little curious as to why you choose to meet up this way.

[differentcountries]

Double post

[R&R]

As relationships move and grow, they change. They can move from that giddy stage to settling in and now being comfortable with one another. It is different for every single couple. Don't think there needs to be a set time for how long it should last. For some people it never goes away and for others, it's gone as soon as they are really comfortable with each other. Personally, having been in a few LDR's, I don't think that plays any particular role. Whether LDR or CD, the more you get to know someone, the more relaxed you are going to be and you start to settle down.

This is my and SO's second time around. The first time ended about 6 months in and rather abruptly. I was still in the honeymoon phase when that happened. When we got back together, I would have to say there really wasn't one at all. It was more about gaining trust back, getting to know each other again and the relationship starting to grow.

Passion isn't a constant. You'd be exhausted all the time. Don't try to read so much into it or make issues where there aren't any. A relationship is a progression and work.

[Moon]

I think you just need to relax, stop overthinking every little thing, realize that relationships aren't 100% romance 100% of the time, and let your relationship progress naturally. You keep referring to this mythical, mystical "honeymoon phase", but in all honestly, that's just that first part where love and lust consume your life for a brief period. That isn't possible to sustain for very long, real life needs to step back in and responsibilities dealt with. As your relationship grows, the most important part grows too, the friendship. The comfortable, happy, less constantly intense, long term part. It's when you have a chat or Skype and just talk about your day, or the show you watched, or what your sister's kids did. You laugh, you have a good, solid conversation that probably doesn't include tears, sex, relationship talk, or anything else "romantic" every time, and that's perfectly good. That isn't losing the spark, it's just real life and the next, more stable part of your relationship. Real adult relationships are not constant passion, you need to stop looking for that. Good luck.

[Rusty]

I am not sure why you tent so much when you are together - for me the number one priority in a relationship is to have a good, big bed. Inside. Unless you get your sexy kicks from outdoor sex, or find it romatic to explore nature together, I am a little curious as to why you choose to meet up this way.

We camp because we don't have much money and we are both outdoorsy by nature. We usually go hiking or shooting guns, that kind of thing, when we meet up. Quail hunting is on our to-do list for a future get-together There have been a couple of times when our visits centered around other activities incorporating our mutual friends and necessitated a hotel room or a borrowed bed in someone's house.

[Rusty]

To Moon: I actually felt better once I posted my questions here and started thinking about just the kinds of things you describe in your reply. I've started breaking my own rule, which is that friendship must be the foundation of any romantic relationship. It's critical to not lose sight of that. Thanks for the reminder.

[Rusty]

I look back and read your earlier thread as well. I'm not sure that this is the honeymoon phase issue with you. Seems like you're trying to compartmentalize everything and put everything in a box and not just live and feel and grow with your SO....I think most of your stress is coming from things you are doing to yourself. Forcing and worrying instead of letting it go on its own.

Good point. Like I said, this is my first true adult relationship that I really want to handle with an adult perspective. It's tough to be this old and yet so inexperienced. That's probably the ultimate source of all of the stress I've been under.

I'm just not sure what the twin bed camping is helpful for??

I just mentioned that to show that it's not as though we've only been meeting in easy, cushy settings and always looking and behaving our best.

[sasad]

Good for you! Half the battle is realizing what you are doing
OOooohh The camping sounds like a wonderful way for you both to connect.. and without all the other life distractions.
Relax, enjoy , and just feel the love and affection... It will work out : )

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I have given this advice before, but it seems particularly relevant here. Love ebbs and flows. You will never be 100% in love 100% of the time. It just isn't realistic. The trick is getting past that part when sparks aren't exactly there and getting back to a time that they are again. I don't believe in the whole "honeymoon period thing". At two years, my SO and I have grown a ton. We have learned about living together and being apart for months. We have learned that we are the only ones that we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Is that the honeymoon period? I would say no, because traditionally that means that I don't really love him. I am not blinded by the idea of what we could be. I'm in love with what we are and who he is. Does that mean that I don't have a spark when I talk to him or see him? ABSOLUTELY NOT! It's not every time, but I sure as hell am head over heels with him. Have I had moments like you're talking about that the spark just doesn't seem there anymore? Of course I have. It's human nature. It's normal to doubt things and to have moments where you aren't 100% in love with your SO. In fact, they say that the longest lasting marriages are marriages that progress from one with intimacy, commitment, and passion to one with just intimacy and commitment. AKA: the longest lasting relationships are ones that start off as a "complete" relationship and turn into a "companionate" one. But they say that that marriage can continue to build passion and get it back again. So with that being said, if you have two of the three, you're in good shape as long as the third comes around more times than not at least in the beginning. It takes work, but you will find that spark again!

[ChloChlo]

I am also "old and yet inexperienced" (I often think "surely by now I'm supposed to know wtf I am doing") so I understand your fretting. I am like, really talented at fretting and over-analyzing my own everything and asking "is this normal? I don't trust my own feelings about this - I bet other people are smarter than me about my own life and choices and feelings, so I better double check with everyone before I do something stupid. Because obviously I am dumb for feeling this way, and if I only had more experience I would not feel like this, LOL!!!!!1! *sobbing*."

Thank goodness I have an amazing counselor who helps me work with this stuff. One suggestion she gave me that really helps (and feel free to totally ignore this if it doesn't jive with you) is to take myself out of the situation. If your friend was experiencing this, instead of you, what would you say to them? Whenever I step out of my own head, suddenly I am much more compassionate. Because of the pressure I put on myself (like every imperfect moment is some proof of how "damaged" I am), I am much more unfair on me than I ever would be on anyone else.

So for example, I would tell my friend-self this: a couple of days of less than passionate ecstasy does not mean things have taken some kind of irreversible plunge into "THE REAL RELATIONSHIP PART" which is supposed to be "more adult" (read: painful and obligatory???? Not fun? Not loving?? Because adult life is serious and responsible ONLY). I would not say "don't worry", but I would say - listen to yourself, and trust yourself. Honour these feelings instead of vilifying them. There is nothing wrong with or "unadult" about you for feeling them. They are not "demons", they are just feelings. Feelings are information, and information is essential! However, letting yourself feel them (ie: being sad, crying, being angry, talking about things) is exhausting, so take care of yourself. Get sleep, eat yummy satisfying things, be kind to yourself. You are doing beautifully. You are doing just fine.

[ChloChlo]

oops, somehow double posted!

[Rusty]

You nailed it, ChloChlo! I appreciate your quote: "I don't trust my own feelings about this - I bet other people are smarter than me about my own life and choices and feelings, so I better double check with everyone before I do something stupid. Because obviously I am dumb for feeling this way, and if I only had more experience I would not feel like this, LOL!!!!!! *sobbing*."

I woke up today after that late-night post I made and felt considerably more relaxed about the situation, as well as still confident that SO is at least A right guy but hopefully THE right guy. I don't think I could have found a better match (and I have been in a couple of relationships, just not happy or mature ones). Long-distance probably tests the sanity of the sanest lovers if they care enough. Part my brain wants to worry about what he's thinking, but unless there's a major change in behavior or he says he's having doubts, all there is to do now is keep strengthening that friendship, keep in touch across the miles, and remember that every day in a relationship is not going to be puppy love, even across the miles. Logically, I'm fine with that. Even happy feelings can be exhausting.