30+ Frustrating Sex Experience...

[Operachk19]

New member of the forum, but certainly not new to LDR. My husband and I have done LDR for extended periods throughout our 15 year relationship - 4 years of college, 2 years of grad school, 1 summer when I got a new job, and now a year while he's on tour. In some ways it gets easier, in other ways it doesn't. I would like some advice regarding communicating while in a LDR. He's been gone for 5 weeks now, and at first we were talking every night, then every other night, then only two times a week. That change didn't really bother me, but 2 1/2 weeks ago we had our first "adult" session on Skype. It was fun, and a few days later we did it again. Second time was less fun for me, more self conscious, but I was happy to see and talk to him since it felt like we weren't communicating as much. Since that initial Skype conversation 3 weeks ago, we've only talked (and only on Skype) 3 times, with each session ending with Skype sex.

He texted me today, without talking in 5 days, saying he missed me and wanted more naked Skype. I texted back saying I would love to talk to him, but maybe just in a regular conversation. Skype sex should be special, and it was starting to feel routine. He got upset and now doesn't want to talk at all - he says he'll be taking a rain check on talking tonight, and maybe for the next few days, because of my attitude. I really lost it and went on a text tirade (never a good idea) saying he didn't value me as a person and only texted me when he was feeling lonely and aroused. I love him and desire him (obviously, we're married and we've been together a long time), but I find he's much more interested in sex and I'm more interested in just being with him. This sometimes manifests when we first see each other after a long break too, since he wants to immediately jump into bed like bunnies, and for me it takes a while until I feel comfortable and aroused enough to want to be intimate (sometimes a few hours). Anyone else who has gone through something like this, I would certainly appreciate your input and advice. Thanks!

[hmrambling]

Communication is key in long distance. For me, it has been important that I don't text about serious issues, and that I talk to my SO instead.

My ex used to take a while to settle in for sex when we would see each other face to face, but would be the one to initiate sex on Skype. It was confusing and frustrating to me. When I saw her face to face, I wanted to be with her, but she wanted time to warm up to me. We talked about it. That's the only thing we really could do.

Neither of us asked the other to compromise. I've heard it said that it's best to go as slow as the slowest person, and I believe that certainly applies to sex. If my partner isn't comfortable with sex on Skype, then it is a no-go. If she isn't comfortable with sexting, then it is a no-go. Same for phone sex.

In my current relationship, we don't sext or phone sex or Skype at all. It really depends on the couple. Communication is key.

I certainly understand how it would seem like your partner is only interested in sex if he only wants to Skype for sex. Maybe have a phone call and talk things out.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I highly suggest writing messages to each other every day. It can be at specific times or just randomly, but the routine is key. It really helps me feel like I am still connected to my SO and part of his life when I hear about it even if we can't skype at all that week (or whatever the situation may be). As far as the skype sex goes: we very very rarely have it. I am always the one to initiate it. I absolutely hate it so he would never push me to do it. With that being said, I'm imagining a scenario where I did enjoy it and he initiated it frequently and didn't want to talk about things, only wanted sex. I would be furious. Yes, sexuality is important within a relationship, but who cares if you have sex if you don't talk!? That is what is going to keep your relationship going.

[staruletto]

Withholding conversation for sex seems really childish to me. My ex husband used to do things like that to me, but that was more of a controlling issue. I can't say whether it's the same for you or not.

[differentcountries]

People are different sexually. And sometimes they change when there is a computer screen and not skin between you.

Unless we have been fighting, I would love it if SO called me on on Skype just for sex. I already know what he does, we text during the day. But, alas, he feels weird doing that too often. We are also used to seeing each other live often, and then it became a bit weird for me, too. I guess if we went back to fewer visits, it would become an issue for me too that we were different this way. When we meet live, we are very similar. The difference is the screen.

I have a suggestion, perhaps you could ask him to seduce you slowly rather than just going straight to dirty talk/deed? Tell him that even asking how your day was, or making you laugh, can prelude the sex. The aim is to make it an easy mood with lots of closeness. Sometimes it is just there, and you don't need anything else, sometimes you have to iniate it a bit more. If you were close, perhaps he had put on some music, served you breakfast in bed, talked to you etc - he has to find ways to create the same mood from a distance. Of course, you have to take part, too. Perhaps a team goal to do that together?