30+ Having doubts

[JeanJean]

My SO and I have been together just over a year and it has been wonderful. He’s been absolutely everything I have ever wanted in a man. He’s strong, caring, patient, understanding and so loving. I know that what I have with him is close to perfection. My kids adore him, and love seeing me happy for once in their lives. He also is crazy about the kids. He takes an interest in their lives, asks about school, their behavior at home, their extra-curricular activities and their health. He is actually more involved than their bio-dads, who don’t ever ask any of these things.

Nothing has changed in the relationship, but I have started having doubts. I have doubts about us ever being ready to close the distance, doubts about how it would be if we did. What if I uproot my life and my kids and it doesn’t work out. What if living together we see sides of each other that have been hidden until now, what if I fall out of love with him when he’s not just a long distance fantasy?

I am even thinking of ending things because of these doubts but every time I do think of breaking up it hurts so much. I feel as if I am going nuts, I try not to think of it and just enjoy what we have, but these little nagging doubts creep in.

I know a big part of it is my past relationships, when I thought I could have forever with someone and make a family only to have it blow up in my face. To be honest I did rush things with both of my ex’s.
The first moved in with me after 6 months of dating, the second moved in with me after 4 months. In both cases it was their idea and I was too insecure to say no. I have grown up a lot since then, but I am still afraid.

Any words of advice are welcome.

[sasad]

Why are you having these thoughts?? Do you really not see yourselves together in the future or are you trying to project the past into this relationship? If you have doubts about a life with this man, then you need to decide what to do. Its not fair to him, you or your kids to hang on. It is a little odd that you think he may be a long distance fantasy.. Are you happy with the relationship because it is LD?
If its NOT that, then you need to accept this person is real and in your life because he loves you and your kids.
You say you have grown up, yet you still have insecurities and that is fine. You just need to address and face your fears and what it is that's making you feel this way.
It is scary uprooting and changing. Its also hard on the kids bringing in men that leave.
Does he want to move in? HAs he asked you to move?? How long do you all spend time together? Have you tried to journal your feelings or talked to a professional? I say that because of your history... did they break it off or did you? How did that really affect the children?
Just giving you some things to think about

[JeanJean]

Why are you having these thoughts?? Do you really not see yourselves together in the future or are you trying to project the past into this relationship? If you have doubts about a life with this man, then you need to decide what to do. Its not fair to him, you or your kids to hang on. It is a little odd that you think he may be a long distance fantasy.. Are you happy with the relationship because it is LD?
If its NOT that, then you need to accept this person is real and in your life because he loves you and your kids.
You say you have grown up, yet you still have insecurities and that is fine. You just need to address and face your fears and what it is that's making you feel this way.
It is scary uprooting and changing. Its also hard on the kids bringing in men that leave.
Does he want to move in? HAs he asked you to move?? How long do you all spend time together? Have you tried to journal your feelings or talked to a professional? I say that because of your history... did they break it off or did you? How did that really affect the children?
Just giving you some things to think about

I am projecting my past into this relationship. I know that I am and I know it's not fair.
I want a life with my SO, I can't imagine my life without him. We take care of each other and are there for each other when things are hard. In our relationship we take turns offering each other encouragement and emotional support when times are hard.

The reason that I said long distance fantasy is because he seems to be too perfect. It's almost as if everything I wished for was placed in one person, I know he has his flaws and I am not blind to them, but they are things that I can live with.
I had decided to leave NYC before I met my SO, I am just waiting to finish my college courses first. He and I have talked briefly about my moving to be with him, but we decided to wait to have the big decision making talk until I am done with school.
The reason that I said "I've grown up" is that I don't let myself be taken in by men who are trying to take advantage of me. This is what I feel has happened in the past, due to the fact that both of my ex's got a free ride. Neither liked to work and both decided to be at home while I took on the responsibilities of work, kids, home, finances...etc.
I know for a fact that my SO is not like this, if anything he is the total opposite, I have never had anyone treat me so fairly in every respect.

I broke it off both times, it was hard because of the kids. Especially my son who I didn't want to put through a second divorce. After ending it with my second husband my son confessed that stepdad was verbally abusive when I wasn't around. It still hurts to think that I put my children in that situation.

My son didn't want me to date again. He absolutely hated my SO before he met him. After meeting he want's nothing more then for me to be with him. He encourages me to "be happy".
Your are correct about my needing to talk to a professional, I really just don't have the time or money to do so.

But thank you. Your questions helped me put things in perspective. I am really afraid of being hurt again, I am afraid of investing more of myself into the relationship and it not working out. There is no reason for me to think it wouldn't work out except for my past history, and I need to find a way to let go of that.
Thank you again.

[TaraMarie]

I am projecting my past into this relationship. I know that I am and I know it's not fair.
I want a life with my SO, I can't imagine my life without him. We take care of each other and are there for each other when things are hard. In our relationship we take turns offering each other encouragement and emotional support when times are hard.

The reason that I said long distance fantasy is because he seems to be too perfect. It's almost as if everything I wished for was placed in one person, I know he has his flaws and I am not blind to them, but they are things that I can live with.
I had decided to leave NYC before I met my SO, I am just waiting to finish my college courses first. He and I have talked briefly about my moving to be with him, but we decided to wait to have the big decision making talk until I am done with school.
The reason that I said "I've grown up" is that I don't let myself be taken in by men who are trying to take advantage of me. This is what I feel has happened in the past, due to the fact that both of my ex's got a free ride. Neither liked to work and both decided to be at home while I took on the responsibilities of work, kids, home, finances...etc.
I know for a fact that my SO is not like this, if anything he is the total opposite, I have never had anyone treat me so fairly in every respect.

I broke it off both times, it was hard because of the kids. Especially my son who I didn't want to put through a second divorce. After ending it with my second husband my son confessed that stepdad was verbally abusive when I wasn't around. It still hurts to think that I put my children in that situation.

My son didn't want me to date again. He absolutely hated my SO before he met him. After meeting he want's nothing more then for me to be with him. He encourages me to "be happy".
Your are correct about my needing to talk to a professional, I really just don't have the time or money to do so.

But thank you. Your questions helped me put things in perspective. I am really afraid of being hurt again, I am afraid of investing more of myself into the relationship and it not working out. There is no reason for me to think it wouldn't work out except for my past history, and I need to find a way to let go of that.
Thank you again.

You can't go through life worrying about the "what ifs". That's what took me so long to get divorced. I was married to a wonderful man....he's still wonderful and supportive and helpful. We just aren't in love anymore. But I was so worried about the "what ifs"... What if my kids hated me? What if I couldn't support myself? What if I was so unhappy without him.....he had been in my life for 30 years. Well finally I decided it was time for ME to be happy. And I spoke up and told home I wanted a divorce. Guess what.....I am so glad I stopped worrying about the "what ifs"! Because if I hadn't I would still be miserable, wouldn't be in love with my soul mate, and wouldn't have this fantastic life I live. Oh....and I was also worried "what if" the kids hated my SO. GUESS WHAT....I WAS WRONG AGAIN! If he makes you happy and you picture him in your life when you take your last breath.....go for it. Everyone deserves happy. Life is too short and you never know "what if"!

[JeanJean]

You can't go through life worrying about the "what ifs". That's what took me so long to get divorced. I was married to a wonderful man....he's still wonderful and supportive and helpful. We just aren't in love anymore. But I was so worried about the "what ifs"... What if my kids hated me? What if I couldn't support myself? What if I was so unhappy without him.....he had been in my life for 30 years. Well finally I decided it was time for ME to be happy. And I spoke up and told home I wanted a divorce. Guess what.....I am so glad I stopped worrying about the "what ifs"! Because if I hadn't I would still be miserable, wouldn't be in love with my soul mate, and wouldn't have this fantastic life I live. Oh....and I was also worried "what if" the kids hated my SO. GUESS WHAT....I WAS WRONG AGAIN! If he makes you happy and you picture him in your life when you take your last breath.....go for it. Everyone deserves happy. Life is too short and you never know "what if"!

TaraMarie

Thank you for the kick in the pants. I say this with affection.
I am glad that you have met your soulmate. I honestly believe that I have also met "the one" for me. I can't let what if's hold me back from what has the potential to be a great life, with a wonderful man.

[sasad]

So there you have it.... Just relax and let it go where it is going : )

[HisLittleBear]

Have you considered a thought journal? I'm starting one for me and my partner.

Also, when I had my ex (LDR), I wrote to him every single day until I visited and it helped a LOT to write it down. Write it down. Write it to him even if you never show it or send it.