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    #1

    30+ I hurt my SO and I feel horrible about it

    My daughters birthday is Monday and I decided instead of a birthday party I would take her to see Aladdin on bway.
    She mentioned it in front of her father and he asked if he could go.
    My first inclination was Hell No...but she really wanted her dad to join us so I said yes.

    I did not think about how my so would feel about it. I really didn't see it as a big deal.
    I mentioned to so in passing that I was dreading having to see my ex Saturday and he got suddenly cold and distant.
    He was at work and used work as an excuse, but I could tell her was upset.
    Finally this evening he admitted that my hanging out with my ex made him uncomfortable. I can really understand his point of view. I feel horrible about not thinking of his feelings when I made my plans.
    I have never been so thoughtless. I'm worried that this will break us up. Mostly because he's still acting distant with me.
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    #2
    Originally posted by JeanJean View Post
    My daughters birthday is Monday and I decided instead of a birthday party I would take her to see Aladdin on bway.
    She mentioned it in front of her father and he asked if he could go.
    My first inclination was Hell No...but she really wanted her dad to join us so I said yes.

    I did not think about how my so would feel about it. I really didn't see it as a big deal.
    I mentioned to so in passing that I was dreading having to see my ex Saturday and he got suddenly cold and distant.
    He was at work and used work as an excuse, but I could tell her was upset.
    Finally this evening he admitted that my hanging out with my ex made him uncomfortable. I can really understand his point of view. I feel horrible about not thinking of his feelings when I made my plans.
    I have never been so thoughtless. I'm worried that this will break us up. Mostly because he's still acting distant with me.
    When you date someone who has children, you have to understand that the other parent is most likely going to be in the picture. The other parent doesn't just disappear. If the parents are still friends and get along, that person could possibly be around quite a bit. As an example, when my ex and I split, he took our daughters camping. Two nights I went out and had dinner with them and hung out. We were quite capable of getting along and the girls cherish those memories.

    The key to this is your daughter wanted your ex to go. It was her birthday and you will be making a special memory for her. This isn't about you, this isn't about your ex and it isn't about your SO - it's about your little child.

    If your SO is that insecure and can't handle the fact that the three of you did something together, that is his problem. You are divorced for a reason. You are not looking to get back with your ex. You have chosen to be with your SO. He needs to grow up or you'll be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
    To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

    ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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      #3
      Your SO is acting like a baby and needs to get over it. This isn't some random ex. You aren't hanging out for fun. It is the father of your daughter who will forever be in your life and it is your daughter's birthday and she asked for him to be there. You are a damn good mother for letting him come even though you really didn't want him there.


      P.S. posted at the same time as R&R. YUP AND YUP! I had the exact same thought, but you said it better!

      Comment

        #4
        You didn't hurt your SO. You were kind enough to your daughter to meet up with her father, an ex you don't like very much. It was a family event, in public. You told SO about it, before the event occured. I am unsure...Does he expect you to never meet your ex, even if he is the father of your (young) child?

        Your SO got hurt. That happened. He obviously keeps his emotions in check. This could be a learning uppertunity for looking into how you deal with unexpected events (generally, you never know what can trigger another person), why you feel you are responsible for his feelings even if you clearly meant no wrong and what has happened to him to make him suspect that such an innocent event will make you unfaithful to your connection.

        Some things are thoughtless. When my SO lended our flat to his mate and left the drawers full of condoms (which we rarely use), and forgot to tell me his friend was even there, that was thoughtlessness. When I asked SO "how did that feel" when he told me that his father died when he was 16, his eyes welled up and he told me "what do you think", that was rather thoughtless of me. When people use words that come out as rude, or arrive too late, or forget people's birthdays, those can be thoughtless acts.

        Spending time with a person you dislike, to make your daughter happy, and keeping your SO fully informed even before it happens, those are thoughtful acts. Let's hope your SOs strong reaction will end up with some thoughtful examination of what is really going on.
        Last edited by differentcountries; April 14, 2016, 05:07 AM.
        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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          #5
          Thank you all for your replies.
          I honestly didn't think it would be an issue, and I was surprised at his reaction.
          As you all mentioned this is something I am doing for my child, not just hanging out with my ex.

          Thanks

          Comment

            #6
            I agree 100% with what the others have said.
            Your SO does not have the right to be hurt in this situation. It's what your child wanted for her BIRTHDAY, and she had every right to that. You did not do anything wrong. Your SO needs to understand that. Otherwise it looks like he has some trust issues... You may want to talk to him about it.

            "True love isn't about being inseparable; it’s about two people being true to each other even when they are separated."
            Married April 18th, 2015!!
            Distance Closed October 4th, 2015!!

            Comment

              #7
              Agree with R&R totally... I am getting ready for my sons 11 biirthday next month. My SO I have already mentioned to me that he knows I will most likely be doing something with my ex and that he will be waiting at home with the drink for me when I get back .
              Yes, my ex always be part of my child's life and people need to understand that and be able to deal with it. I also get along a bit better with my ex since we separated. And yes, we divorced for a reason. I have no desire to go back. Ever.
              I was a stepmother first and I do understand some of the anxiety he is feeling and it may have nothing to do with you getting back with your ex but rather you being a family again in public....
              It's still not right, but it still may hurt him a little bit. He just needs to understand it will get easier with time.
              Last edited by sasad; April 14, 2016, 07:40 AM.

              Comment

                #8
                Yeah, I don't really have anything to add. Everyone else is right.

                He shouldn't be hurt and offended. It's okay to get annoyed at first about it, but get over it. Your ex is the father of your child. At least he is willing to still be a part of her life, and your daughter and him still have a great relationship. Your daughter wants him there, not you. Lol. Did he not understand that part? It's her special day, and she wants her daddy to be a part of it. Nothing wrong with that.

                Don't feel bad. You did the right thing. You kept your SO in the loop, and you're trying to make your daughter's birthday a good one.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Hello! I don't have anything much to add either but to agree with everyone else. One possible thought, and it's only because I've been on the other side of it, is that it could be the way you told him that he got more annoyed about? I know that's a silly thing and he shouldn't get annoyed, I'm not making excuses for him and I agree with you 100%, you didn't do anything wrong. But for example, my boyfriend has a son and he doesn't necessarily get on with his ex well but will obviously do things with her when needed for their child and I totally understand - they'll go to watch his soccer matches together and so on. Exactly as it should be, and I'd actually think twice about him if he refused to do anything with her because his son would suffer for it. I'm a naturally jealous person and it's something I've worked quite hard to overcome and I've gotten better. What I found upset me is that I would ask him to just let me know when he's going to see her beforehand if he can when other things come up besides the usual soccer matches. The first few times he didn't say anything until days afterwards and it was as an addition to another comment and that hurt a little bit because it felt like he didn't think I deserved to know or just disregarded my request to let me know when he could. Perhaps your SO got more upset because of how you said it i.e. in passing? Again, I'm going to reiterate you did not do ANYTHING wrong. But I'm just trying to help shed a bit of light on it perhaps from a different angle.

                  At the end of the day, his behaviour is uncalled for. Your child is the most important person. If he was upset, I understand sulking for a little bit but he should come back and say 'hey, I'm sorry I've been in a grouch. I got a bit upset because of xyz even though I know it's silly'. If he doesn't and he's going to keep being like this in the future then as R&R said it will be something you'll have to keep dealing with

                  Comment

                    #10
                    My SO has gotten better about it, it took 3 days for him to get past the sulking.

                    I think he has gotten a better understanding about how I will have to participate in events with the ex's. I was surprised at his reaction because he has dated women with children before and I expected him to have dealt with this type of situation before.

                    Whatever the case, it is a bump in the road but it made us talk and that's a good thing.

                    Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I truly appreciate it.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Wait, wait, wait.

                      This wasn't about YOU, this was about your child. You were not doing this to spite him but to delight your child.

                      To me, he is acting extremely immature. You need to sit down with him and discuss this.

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                        #12
                        HisLittleBear

                        you are absolutely correct. We talked it over and he understood.
                        I am starting to work through issues with my ex, but as friends for the sake of our daughter. There is no reason for SO to feel insecure.

                        I do think the fact that I am in constant contact with my ex is what makes SO feel so insecure. I have learned to be a little more sensitive about his feelings, I honestly didn't think it would matter to him one way or the other.
                        Fact of the matter is that he is still in contact (although infrequent) with one of his ex's. He was with her for 9 years and although they don't have kids together he was stepdad to her daughters for a time. I've never given it a second thought.

                        All in all it was a learning experience for us both and thank goodness we are past it.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by JeanJean View Post
                          HisLittleBear

                          you are absolutely correct. We talked it over and he understood.
                          I am starting to work through issues with my ex, but as friends for the sake of our daughter. There is no reason for SO to feel insecure.

                          I do think the fact that I am in constant contact with my ex is what makes SO feel so insecure. I have learned to be a little more sensitive about his feelings, I honestly didn't think it would matter to him one way or the other.
                          Fact of the matter is that he is still in contact (although infrequent) with one of his ex's. He was with her for 9 years and although they don't have kids together he was stepdad to her daughters for a time. I've never given it a second thought.

                          All in all it was a learning experience for us both and thank goodness we are past it.
                          I am really glad that you worked it out.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            I have to say that I really don't get onto the forum as often as I would like, but I find everyone here to be very understanding and supportive.


                            Thank you all

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