30+ New to all of this...advice welcome!

[SugarBooger]

hi everyone. I met my SO by chance in a Facebook group. We both are in the U.S. About 800 miles apart. He is pretty much the full time support of his two children and is unable to visit too much. I am a single professional with the ability to work remotely so I have no problem going to him. I also wouldn't mind moving to his location either. The thing is, we haven't met yet. It's been about seven months. He works a physically demanding job that takes a lot out of him so I try not to nag him about constant communication. He does text me everyday and usually calls me on his way home from work. Money is tighter for him because he takes care of himself and his two kids so I don't expect him to just come here at the drop of a hat. He's also starting his own business and building a wonderful life (which includes me). I just want for the first visit to be him coming to me. I would feel more comfortable with that but it's more because i want some chivalry. Lol I have fallen in love with this great guy and we have never gone on a date lol I don't expect him to pay for everything. Just his flight and I told him I would get the hotel. I guess it's just the point of the thing. I'd like to see some effort on his part. he doesn't communicate his feelings as easily as I do so sometimes I don't know what his plans are or what's going on and again, I'm not trying to nag. Some days are harder than others. Today was a very frustrating day for me. I just wanted him here with me. While I was grocery shopping. Those little things...I want that and it was just a bad day. Does anyone have any advice for me? How do you get past these rough days? How can I communicate effectively to a man who is just exhausted from work and parenthood? I want to be a source of joy and comfort for him but I don't want to feel as though he's never going to come here or how I will get through these days of frustration.

Thank you so much in advance

[R&R]

hi everyone. I met my SO by chance in a Facebook group. We both are in the U.S. About 800 miles apart. He is pretty much the full time support of his two children and is unable to visit too much. I am a single professional with the ability to work remotely so I have no problem going to him. I also wouldn't mind moving to his location either. The thing is, we haven't met yet. It's been about seven months. He works a physically demanding job that takes a lot out of him so I try not to nag him about constant communication. He does text me everyday and usually calls me on his way home from work. Money is tighter for him because he takes care of himself and his two kids so I don't expect him to just come here at the drop of a hat. He's also starting his own business and building a wonderful life (which includes me). I just want for the first visit to be him coming to me. I would feel more comfortable with that but it's more because i want some chivalry. Lol I have fallen in love with this great guy and we have never gone on a date lol I don't expect him to pay for everything. Just his flight and I told him I would get the hotel. I guess it's just the point of the thing. I'd like to see some effort on his part. he doesn't communicate his feelings as easily as I do so sometimes I don't know what his plans are or what's going on and again, I'm not trying to nag. Some days are harder than others. Today was a very frustrating day for me. I just wanted him here with me. While I was grocery shopping. Those little things...I want that and it was just a bad day. Does anyone have any advice for me? How do you get past these rough days? How can I communicate effectively to a man who is just exhausted from work and parenthood? I want to be a source of joy and comfort for him but I don't want to feel as though he's never going to come here or how I will get through these days of frustration.

Thank you so much in advance

Welcome to LFAD. 7 months is definitely about time for a visit if you can afford it.

My SO is 1,000 miles from me and has his own business. I flew to him first. If you really want to see him, it sounds like you flying there is a much better option. Forget about the "the guy should" type of scenario. A relationship takes two parties working together and sometimes it's easier for one party than the other to make those trips. It doesn't mean one loves the other more or one puts in more of an effort - it means that one has more flexibility. Since my SO owns his own business, if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid. I get vacation time from my job that I can use. You can work remotely. Doesn't it make more sense for you to go there?

Plus, it sounds like he is the main parent in his children's lives. I'm guessing you don't have any children? Those kids are going to come first and they should. If buying a plane ticket to come see you means he won't be able to do something for his kids, that plane ticket isn't going to happen. You may also be able to have a longer stay if you go see him than if he comes to visit you. Dating someone with children, especially LDR, takes an extra level of commitment.

If he is starting a business, he really needs to be there. My SO is usually out the door by 6am and sometimes doesn't make it home until 10pm or 11pm. He has "24 hour emergency service", so he can be called out at 3am. The first few years of a business are critical to its success or failure. He needs to be there. He already may not be able to put in as many hours as my SO since he does have the kids to take care of. (My SO has 10 kids but they are all 16 and older. My daughters are 20 and 21. We don't have the restraints of someone with younger kids.) Honestly, it sounds like he really needs to be there.

In an LDR, the reality is you are going to have times when your SO can be there and they can't be. I'm graduating college this year (at age 45) and he's not going to be able to make it to see me walk and get my diploma. That's a huge accomplishment for me and he can't because of the jobs he has lined up and I am understanding of that. LDR's have a lot of sacrifices to them and you have to decide if you can make the commitment and sacrifices that are required. I would also focus more on getting to go see him and I think you will see some of your frustration go down.

[Elizabeth123]

Hi and Welcome to LFAD!
R&R said well....

A relationship takes two parties working together and sometimes it's easier for one party than the other to make those trips. It doesn't mean one loves the other more or one puts in more of an effort - it means that one has more flexibility.

If you want to see this relationship go forward you need to be willing to be flexible. I visited my SO first...it wasn't a lack of commitment on his part. Traveling to him was easier for both of us. Hope you can see him soon.

[differentcountries]

Hi, welcome here

I met SO on a trip in his work town 2900 miles away. The first time we planned to meet, I travelled to see him (and stayed with some friends of his because we couldn't afford a hotel). I have visited my SO most of the times. Visas are harder for him, also he doesn't have any time to travel exept off season. The one time he visited me, I payed for his ticket and everything else. Which I think is totally fair, because I know his economy very well. He also usually has very limited couple time on visits, because his normal day is a 12 hour shift, every day.

Perhaps you can work on a compromise, like he can get a baby sitter for one day or an evening, so that you can go out on a date just the two of you. I don't think it is unfair to expect you to be the first one to visit, and to work your ways around him being a fulltime dad and his work obligations.

In LDRs, flexibility is everything. You can go grocery shopping with him - and his kids. They are a package deal. You would have to figure out how to practically do things, I guess staying at his house is easier but perhaps not for the first visit. Don't fight the streams, he acts busy because he is. Just go to see him.

[sasad]

I have a child,(under 12) and my SO makes a little more than I do ( also, no kids = more disposable spending) so HE does almost all the traveling to me.
You have not physically met up with your SO or his kids yet... and the child part will most likely take some time. Mine met after my SO moved to Florida, on Skype first.
Our kids come first. Always. My schedules are based around my custody with my son.. The rest follows after..

Shopping and doing stuff together may take a bit of time.. But, plan a visit and get a hotel.. Meet his kids and build a trusting relationship with them all.
My son and I go to my SO for vacations and long weekends now.

[Redheart14]

Welcome to LFAD. 7 months is definitely about time for a visit if you can afford it.

My SO is 1,000 miles from me and has his own business. I flew to him first. If you really want to see him, it sounds like you flying there is a much better option. Forget about the "the guy should" type of scenario. A relationship takes two parties working together and sometimes it's easier for one party than the other to make those trips. It doesn't mean one loves the other more or one puts in more of an effort - it means that one has more flexibility. Since my SO owns his own business, if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid. I get vacation time from my job that I can use. You can work remotely. Doesn't it make more sense for you to go there?

Plus, it sounds like he is the main parent in his children's lives. I'm guessing you don't have any children? Those kids are going to come first and they should. If buying a plane ticket to come see you means he won't be able to do something for his kids, that plane ticket isn't going to happen. You may also be able to have a longer stay if you go see him than if he comes to visit you. Dating someone with children, especially LDR, takes an extra level of commitment.

If he is starting a business, he really needs to be there. My SO is usually out the door by 6am and sometimes doesn't make it home until 10pm or 11pm. He has "24 hour emergency service", so he can be called out at 3am. The first few years of a business are critical to its success or failure. He needs to be there. He already may not be able to put in as many hours as my SO since he does have the kids to take care of. (My SO has 10 kids but they are all 16 and older. My daughters are 20 and 21. We don't have the restraints of someone with younger kids.) Honestly, it sounds like he really needs to be there.

In an LDR, the reality is you are going to have times when your SO can be there and they can't be. I'm graduating college this year (at age 45) and he's not going to be able to make it to see me walk and get my diploma. That's a huge accomplishment for me and he can't because of the jobs he has lined up and I am understanding of that. LDR's have a lot of sacrifices to them and you have to decide if you can make the commitment and sacrifices that are required. I would also focus more on getting to go see him and I think you will see some of your frustration go down.

I couldn't agree with you more!!

[SugarBooger]

Thank you so much to all of you for taking the time to respond!
I understand his children come first and I would never ask him to choose. I guess I just had it in my head that effort should be both sides and sometimes I feel like I make more of it. His kids are teenagers so they don't need him as much as say a younger child would. But he does work a lot and he really is busy and sometimes I lose perspective and he does give me what he can. I think I'm more nervous about the fact that it's the first time meeting and I'd be going to a strange place and you know, those usual worries. This is all so new to me plus, This is my first really healthy relationship and I guess I still have some bad emotional/mental habits that I'm trying to work through. I really love him and the life we are planning I'm just nervous as it's the first meeting and I just don't know what to do.

[Ella85]

I understand being nervous when going to meet someone. You know I stayed at my SO's house on the first trip, I couldn't afford a hotel. I put a LOT of trust in him. Of course I had my credit card as back up, but I'd flown to New York and got a bus for 19 hours to visit him. I was so nervous and I think he was worried that I wouldn't show up, I think I was a little worried that he might not too.
I think it's more, I had the money, the time, the ability to take off work. So I made the first 3 trips actually. He just came to visit me after a year and a half of us being together and I am moving to him hopefully in July as long as the paperwork is all squared away in time. If you really want things to work if you have more flexibility than him then you should use that to your advantage.

[blue29]

Hello and welcome!

I understand what you are saying about the 'chivalrous' part, but honestly it really doesn't matter in this scenario. It is much harder for my boyfriend to come here what with difficult work commitments, helping support his family and sharing custody of his son. I on the other hand don't have many obligations to meet and am a lot more flexible. We've met once when I went there - 4 months after we first met online. I was so nervous I had an anxiety attack on the aeroplane before it had even shut the doors! I put a lot of trust in him too as we stayed in a couple of different places together before then staying at his place. And I loved every minute of it. I felt completely safe and taken care of and the spark we had over the phone was nothing compared to what we had in person. You need to meet him and when you do you'll regret not doing it sooner. Let the chivalry part be that he whisks you into his arms and shows you the best holiday ever. That's how it was for me and I wouldn't change it for the world. He will respect and appreciate you so much for taking such a big brave step.

Regarding the rough days, I feel for you there too. I find if I'm just myself it works - I'm a talker so I ramble, I make jokes, I ask him a couple of questions about work and other things going on but if you were having a tough exhausting day at work you wouldn't want to talk about it much. Talk about other things and eventually he'll relax and destress and he'll associate time with you as fun and not stressful and he'll want to talk to you even more. That is probably the best source of comfort for him - to realise he's found someone he can completely be himself with and who'll make him feel good.

Good luck! My situation is very similar to yours, and whilst I don't have all the answers and am still struggling to work out certain things, if you ever want to chat drop me a message

[R&R]

The first couple of times I went to see my SO, I flew out. Now, I drive even though it takes a full day. It's a lot cheaper than flying and it's nice to have my own vehicle while I'm there. If your SO will have to work when you visit, at least you aren't stuck in one place. Look around for places that you may find interesting and want to visit and plug them into your GPS. This way if he's busy you will have things to do.

If you stay with him, I also suggest also looking around for hotels of B&B's in the area. The only reason I say this is that it's good to have a "Plan B" ready if you need it. Hopefully you wouldn't have to use it but being prepared is always the best way to go.

[TaraMarie]

Hi and welcome! I think I will be in the monority here. My children are currently 16 and 13, but when my ldr started they were 13 and 10. For the first year I went to him nearly every time, because I wasn't ready to introduce him to my children. Since then, things have changed. I don't think children should always come first, though. I never have. And I think thats why a lot of relationships don't work out. You have to be a strong couple to be great parents and role models. However, I do think you should go see him, and make sure his kids know he's out of "town" for the weekend, in a hotel, but close enough to come if they need him.

[SugarBooger]

Thank you everyone. You've made me realize that the "rule" for him to come to me first isn't realistic. I am planning to go there in a few weeks. He has to let his ex wife know so the kids can go there. I am going to get a hotel for the first night and then see how it goes. We video chatted last night and he did confirm that he wants to come see me he just doesn't have much freedom right now to do so. I just hope my nervousness doesn't make me bail. I love this guy I just don't want to be taken for granted. But I guess I will see how he treats me when I go there. He did mention that it's very difficult to "woo" me from so far away lol
Which makes sense. I'm so glad I joined this forum. I feel a lot better! Thank you!