30+ Taken For Granted

[SugarBooger]

Hi everyone. I'm recently having some struggles and I'm wondering if it's either in my head or if I actually am being taken for granted.
My boyfriend (we haven't met yet) and I have been together for going on nine months.
In the beginning he was so attentive and romantic and pursued me actively. He is a fully time dad and he recently lost his job. He is also starting his own business. I'm trying not to be selfish but I'm feeling like I'm chasing him. There is a great imbalance. If I tell him I miss him he doesn't say it back. I know he is very preoccupied and I am being supportive and encouraging. But I feel as though I am extremely low on his priority list. All I want is some video chatting and phone calls. I feel so disconnected from him and I don't think he even notices. I just want some of the romantic promises and all the I love you'd and I miss you's back.
What should I do? Should I pull back? I don't want to mention it to him because he already feels stressed enough and I just feel so selfish.

Thanks in advance

[Elizabeth123]

You and your SO need to communicate with each other. He can't read your mind. Plan a time and talk about what each of you need in this relationship. LDR's are hard and take effort. No relationship is completely equal. Are you willing to be his support during this time knowing he can't give you the attention you want?
Really listen to each other...your relationship will grow better for it.
Yes, he has other higher priorities...his children will / should come first...finding a new job would be creating a major stress for him right now IMHO.

[Harlequin]

You really ought to talk to him, though. He sounds like he's super busy, and honestly he most likely doesn't even realize he's being inattentive. He can't fix a problem he doesn't know is there, and as long as you don't confront him with an accusatory tone, you should be able to talk to him about it. You're not being selfish by wanting some reciprocation. I don't think he's got the time to be as attentive as he was before everything kinda blew up, but you should be able to work out some sort of compromise.
I imagine it's gonna be difficult until things balance out for him, so it's gonna take a lot of patience and understanding on both ends. It's not impossible, though.
Good luck!

[Hollandia]

I think sometimes when you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you, your mindset does change a bit. I don't think it really means that you love someone less just because you don't feel like saying I love you or I miss you back all the time. My SO told me at one point when he slowed down for a few months that sometimes "I love you" seems to lose it's meaning or power of it's meaning if you say it because you feel like you should and not like you really feel like saying it. He also said said that he was under a ton of stress he didn't want to feel like he had to Skype me and when he did he looked forward to our time being fun and upbeat and not worrying about my sad feelings all the time. One thing he said is that by my telling him I missed him all the time, I was actually make him feel worse. He said he knew I missed him and he missed me and he did not need to be reminded of that all the time, because it was depressing.

I think if you know he is being crushed by life right now, then maybe now if not the time to push for emotional statements from him right now. Maybe just try to be the fun girlfriend for a few months and let him handle his life battles for a bit. I guess what I mean and what I think my SO meant is it's hard to be the perfect loving boyfriend when you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I listened to my SO and I stopped saying how sad I was and how much I missed him and decided to just be fun. Within a few months, he was back to his normal self again. He was still stressed but our time was his fun time and not something to feel like he was supposed to do or something that would be negative in anyway to make his difficult days worse.

I think you could send an e-vite to a virtual date of something you know he already loves. This way he can RSVP yes or no, less pressure. Does he love sports? Can you record and watch one of his teams with him? Is he a movie buff? Set up a time to watch a movie together. How about a gamer? Pick a game and have at it. If however, he just wants a bit more space while he works through his problems and he does not want your emotional support, then don't push. Offer to him I you love and tell him I am here for you, but don't push and don't be down about it if you don't get the reaction you want and then make yourself busy. Take some more time for yourself and give him his time to get back on his feet. Find something else to do with some of that time you used to spend with him for awhile. Keep a smartphone around with Skype so you can still talk on IM while you are out of your house but don't sit around and wait for his calls. I did this and before I knew it, my SO was IMing me when I was out watching a game with my friends and he really enjoying IMing with all of us while we all watched the game. This is not something you might do normally but this is not really a normal time for him, so give him a bit of extra slack. That's how you can support him right now, by not needing his support for a bit and just being a fun loving independent girlfriend he knows loves him and will be there for him when he needs it.

Bottom line was for me and my SO, his life was in the sh$#tter and he felt a need to deal with his stuff on his own, but when he did talk to me it helped I brightened his day and I did not put any extra pressure on him. I gave him his space but not a "break" just space, and he came back to me. Today I have a husband that tells me he loves me everyday. He emails me this from work on his breaks and comes home from work and hugs me as soon as he comes in the door. He had his own private hell he worked through and eventually it made us ten times stronger. I wish the same for you and if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

[differentcountries]

It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot on his plate at the moment.

When I lost my job, even if it was not totally unexpected (because of our budget cuts), it still felt very hurtful and devestating and stirred up lots of emotions. It is the feeling of being unwanted, in addition to the practical difficulties of less money and trying to find something new to happen is very time-consuming and energy-draining.

You are low on his priority list. But that's just because he has dissapeared into survial mode. When you worry about your existance (I am being a bit dramatic now, but sure thats how it may feel), you don't think that much about art or politics or how your loved one is doing. Thats not to say you dont care. It is just that caring can sometimes feel like a luxury. I am just saying basically you are not selfish, but he perhaps needs to be selfish.

Retreat a bit. Learn to have fun without him. Dont loose your sleep about him coming around to do stuff. Let him fix his own life. Worry about your own life, be sure to take care of you and pay attention to your social life because right now he cant be there for you. Later you can deicde what to do, but for now, just lower your expectations.

[longdistancelife]

I agree with the other posts above with a lot on his plate. You should have a real conversation about expectations of what you need and what he needs as well as see what is going on with him and be there for him.

Good luck!

[Leya]

A lot of what has been said here could easily have been directed at me and my SO. I am so torn about having my emotional needs met and giving him the space he needs to deal with his emotions. I don't get it right all the time, but I won't give up on us. I just wish I had the confidence to know that he won't either when he can't say the words that I want to hear.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Hi everyone. I'm recently having some struggles and I'm wondering if it's either in my head or if I actually am being taken for granted.
My boyfriend (we haven't met yet) and I have been together for going on nine months.
In the beginning he was so attentive and romantic and pursued me actively. He is a fully time dad and he recently lost his job. He is also starting his own business. I'm trying not to be selfish but I'm feeling like I'm chasing him. There is a great imbalance. If I tell him I miss him he doesn't say it back. I know he is very preoccupied and I am being supportive and encouraging. But I feel as though I am extremely low on his priority list. All I want is some video chatting and phone calls. I feel so disconnected from him and I don't think he even notices. I just want some of the romantic promises and all the I love you'd and I miss you's back.
What should I do? Should I pull back? I don't want to mention it to him because he already feels stressed enough and I just feel so selfish.

Thanks in advance

Being taken for granted really hurts and in my perspective I feel like that is the beginning of the end in many cases. I'm really not trying to be negative, but in my experience w/dating, once I felt taken for granted there was nothing I could do to restore what was before. I did talk to my ex several times about him taking me for granted, his behavior changed for a week and went back to the same thing. No matter how much I would be going through, I would always appreciate my partner being there. If someone cares for you, I feel like you don't need to point to them how to love you. Everyone deals w/stress in life and that doesn't mean they need to their SO in the dark. If he acts like this when there is stress, he will w/draw from you in the future. A relationship is being there for one another and talking about what's going on, not taking someone for granted. I wish you luck w/whatever happens.