30+ New to LDR, I need advice about communication expectations

[Dari]

I have a hard time with things when I don't know what I should be expecting and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this that has done it before.

Background first: Me and my guy met playing an online game about 10 years ago. We were friends, lost touch for about 5 years and then reconnected in Dec 2015. The second time we started talking it was like talking to a whole different person. We just connected in a way that hadn't happened before. It evolved into what seems to be a relationship but he doesn't want to label it, based on fears from his past relationships. He came to visit for the first time in June, stayed for a week and it was amazing. There are not currently any plans to visit again, though he did mention wanting to see me again before I go back to work. (I'm a teacher.)

Now my question is about communication. Like daily, day to day activity communication. He has never been the most communicative of people and I am much more talkative than he. I like to text him when things happen to me throughout the day, not every little thing but things that I think are funny or important. I don't save it all up for a big conversation and the end of the week, mostly because I will forget. I do it in an effort to feel like we are part of each others lives even though we live so far apart.

Is is weird for me to expect a guy to also want to do that? Are my expectations just really too high? I feel like an insecure nervous wreck and I don't want to do anything to push him away because I tend to do that a lot to people and I actually like this one. I can't tell if it's because he is older than me (12 years) and grew up in a different era, or because he's a guy and that kind of stuff just doesn't occur to them or if he just doesn't want to.

We have talked about the texting before, he does prefer phone calls and he had been making an effort to at least acknowledge my texts. I also try to keep them to a minimum (like maybe 3 in a day). But lately he has stopped responding to them as much or at all and it's been harder for me to get him on the phone or on skype. (We had been having Friday night "dates" on skype consistently for the past 5 months and then this weekend nothing.)

As I'm typing this I'm starting to feel really stupid but need help from people who know more than me.

[xxcazaxx]

Hi Dari

Having only done the long distance thing since October I wouldn't count myself as particularly experienced.

Just had a thought about the messages. Maybe he isn't as able to respond to them due to work commitments.

On a personal level, my OH and I send messages throughout the day on facebook messenger and tend to phone once a day (but not always everyday). Its easier just now though because he isn't working. When work comes up I will hear from him a lot less and likewise we speak a lot less on the days that I am working.

[R&R]

Welcome to LFAD.

Communication needs and amounts will vary from couple to couple. My SO doesn't generally text a lot but has told me that even if he doesn't respond a lot throughout the day, he loves seeing ones from me - so that works for us. However, what works for us may not work for another couple. The key is to have a talk with him as to what he considers enough or too much and then you work together on a compromise.

We could all speculate as to why the communication on his end has diminished, but the only one who will be able to give you a true answer is him. Maybe he's confused as to what he wants out of this friendship. Maybe there are things going on in his life that have absolutely nothing to do with you or the relationship but are taking away his focus. Talk to him - a real talk about all of this.

Good luck!

[Elizabeth123]

Yes, you need to find what works for you both. My SO and I Skype almost everyday. It's what works for us-we both prefer seeing one another and we make time in our day for it. We used to text much more but right now it's not as often (maybe once a day). Be open and honest...also remember to listen. Good luck to you both.

[Dari]

Thank you for your replies. I believe you all are right about talking to him, sometimes I feel afraid that I need to have "serious" talks with him too often. This is the first actual adult relationship that I've ever had and I'm afraid I'm not very good at it yet. I worry I will become the downer in the relationship and that if it happens too often it will stop being fun and he will leave.

He lost his job in April and hasn't found a new one yet, so I know it's not work stuff. It was a lot easier when he was working because he had a schedule that my brain could work with.

Hearing your examples of your own communication styles is very helpful. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

[Elizabeth123]

Ok - a couple of thoughts for you....no relationship is "fun" all the time. It takes two people willing to communicate and listen to each other. Some days you need support and then somedays he needs it. It's rarely 50/50...what makes it worth it is knowing your SO cares and is committed to you and the relationship you both build.
He is under tremendous stress if he is unable to find work. This would definitely affect his communication with you. I hope he's able to find work soon.

[sasad]

My SO did not like texting..I did not like talking on the phone and was nervous about skype.. Took us a while to find what works for us. We talk on the phone everyday for hours ...or Skype and fall asleep. We text a bit, but never for serious stuff. It's way to easy to misread a text and you never get the tone of voice...
Talk to him and see what he is comfortable with and work on a compromise. And I seriously don't think 3 texts a day is excessive .

Good luck to you both!