30+ No communication, no problem?

[PruneOvaries]

Background: My boyfriend and I lived together for 3.5 years and have only been long distance for 3.5 months. He was never a "communicator". But he would go through hot and cold phases in the sense that he'd be wonderful to me for a few weeks and then treat me like his roommate for a few weeks.

Now: The first month was figuring out a balance. I would love to skype almost every day. He would love to use his cell phone for target practice. We settled on texting daily and having a quick phone call once/week. We also see each other for about 4 days once ever 5-6 weeks. Last month he was amazing to me. We didn't talk on the phone much, but the things he would say over text just really made me feel cared for. I didn't need frequent communication when I felt that loved. Didn't hear from him for a day? No problem, he loves me. We had a great visit; it was our 4 year anniversary! After that, he kinda faded. The past 3 weeks he's been incredibly distant. Monosyllabic replies to my texts. He almost never initiates contact. If I don' text him for a couple of days, I just won't hear from him. He says he's busy. I say no one is too busy to respond to a text for an entire day. Besides, I know that he texts our mutual friends.

I read some things online that say clearly, our relationship is over. Other things say that guys just do this. They don't need the communication to feel like they're in a relationship and trying too hard makes them feel smothered. I'm trying to wrap my head around how he could need more distance than moving across the country, but I'm trying. I'm also wrapping up grad school and looking for jobs. I'm not going to move across the country to a place with a lukewarm job market in my field if we're not going to get married. He knows this. And so when I tell him that I miss him and he responds by... not responding, I question my whole future.

So, is going radio silent normal for guys? Could this just be a cold phase? I don't want to push him and make him feel like communication is a punishment, but I also want to resolve this with him. Any suggestions on talking to men that *HATE* relationship talk? Thanks!

[differentcountries]

People ARE sometimes too busy to respond to a text. I dont know if he is, but it is very possible.

Sometimes, especially in high season, SO will work for many hours straight, if he is lucky he gets to eat luch, and when he is done he either goes to sleep or he needs to "buzz down" by not talking to anyone. What helps me, is that I have lived with him during the middle of high season and I very much know the preassure he is under. It is even worse now with his new shift, since he ends his shift after midnight, every day. If he does not text me, I might text him to just say "Love, you are probably busy. I think about you, take care". I know he really appreaciates these texts, because it shows him that I know/understand his situation and so it connects us.

In my new job, we are sometimes at work ALL day. But that I mean that we get up at 6.30 to take a plane, my colleage and I are together all day and there is usually not time or/and energy to focus on much else. It is rude towards my coworker and especially our clients to pay attention to my phone, it can also distract me from the job we are doing. This is especially true for our opening day in a case, where we know noone and really have to have our eyes and ears open. It is also very emotionally taxing and when I get to the hotel I might be physically exhausted, too and really just want to be alone. It is not just about being busy, but about focus. I have to remember to eat and drink, so texting SO is really not high on my priority list. I will usually text SO forhand and tell him that I will be busy, but at times days will just develop and get buisy, too.

We have had talks about this and said that if we dont hear anything, we should just expect that the other person is asleep. We have on hour time difference and work opposite shifts, so it is not going to work to expect the other person to always be there. But to not text at all, which we define as not even sending an emoji for 36-48 hours, is NOT ok. If one of us does that, we are going to call in the brigade.

What is your boyfriend doing when he is away? Is he starting a new job? Is he setting up a new social network? What is going on in his life where he is now, especially the last 3 weeks?

[PruneOvaries]

People ARE sometimes too busy to respond to a text. I dont know if he is, but it is very possible.

...

We have had talks about this and said that if we dont hear anything, we should just expect that the other person is asleep. We have on hour time difference and work opposite shifts, so it is not going to work to expect the other person to always be there. But to not text at all, which we define as not even sending an emoji for 36-48 hours, is NOT ok. If one of us does that, we are going to call in the brigade.

What is your boyfriend doing when he is away? Is he starting a new job? Is he setting up a new social network? What is going on in his life where he is now, especially the last 3 weeks?

Thank you for the response. It's helpful to hear about the styles of LDRs from other busy couples!

I certainly don't expect nonstop texting. I'm too busy for that too. He does work long days and he has to be socially "on" all day and really wants to not interact afterwards. So, days that he's at work, I get it. But he works 4 days/week and he can go all weekend with either no texting or single word responses to my texts. And then he tells me that he's been "too busy mountain biking" to respond. I feel like our relationship needs to be at least important enough to him to shoot me a , "Hey, I'm going to try biking XYZ trail today. It's supposed to be rough, but I think I can handle it now" text.

Nothing has really changed in the last three weeks. Nothing that he's mentioned (but since we've hardly spoken, that's not saying much). But I am glad to hear that this level of communication can be considered normal for a healthy, functioning relationship. It's just hard to tell when things cross the line from "normal, but not really communicating" to "something's wrong."

I've also realized (even since the original post) that I have been under oodles of stress which generally makes me want to be comforted. Since he is my source of comfort, getting one word "Ok." texts back to a semi-lengthy text about all of the pressure that I'm under makes me feel pretty unsupported. So, it's a one-two punch of crappiness. He's in a non-communicating phase while I'm in a needing support phase, so the perceived lack of communication has been amplified by my own mindset. I see him on Thursday (yey!) so we'll talk, but I'll definitely start with understanding my role and apologizing for my disproportionate insecurity.

[differentcountries]

Thank you for the response. It's helpful to hear about the styles of LDRs from other busy couples!

I certainly don't expect nonstop texting. I'm too busy for that too. He does work long days and he has to be socially "on" all day and really wants to not interact afterwards. So, days that he's at work, I get it. But he works 4 days/week and he can go all weekend with either no texting or single word responses to my texts. And then he tells me that he's been "too busy mountain biking" to respond. I feel like our relationship needs to be at least important enough to him to shoot me a , "Hey, I'm going to try biking XYZ trail today. It's supposed to be rough, but I think I can handle it now" text.

Nothing has really changed in the last three weeks. Nothing that he's mentioned (but since we've hardly spoken, that's not saying much). But I am glad to hear that this level of communication can be considered normal for a healthy, functioning relationship. It's just hard to tell when things cross the line from "normal, but not really communicating" to "something's wrong."

I've also realized (even since the original post) that I have been under oodles of stress which generally makes me want to be comforted. Since he is my source of comfort, getting one word "Ok." texts back to a semi-lengthy text about all of the pressure that I'm under makes me feel pretty unsupported. So, it's a one-two punch of crappiness. He's in a non-communicating phase while I'm in a needing support phase, so the perceived lack of communication has been amplified by my own mindset. I see him on Thursday (yey!) so we'll talk, but I'll definitely start with understanding my role and apologizing for my disproportionate insecurity.

That is different from us. SO works 7 days a week (in season), I work 5 days and are sometimes very busy on weekends (just came back from a camp).

What I like about SO is that he is able to let me know forhand what he is doing, if he is doing something special. I very seldom dont know what he is up to, and when that happens, it is usually in high season when his mind is very busy. If I get a "today we are going to set up tables" text, I know that I will not hear from him for about 36 hours, but that also frees up my time to do other things than waiting for him.

I dont know if this will help you guys, but I usually text with him very short texts, especially if I dont know if he will be able to respond. I try to think of it like a summary of my thoughts. If I feel under a lot of preassure, I try to not spell out all of my worries, but state my worries in general or say "I feel under such preassure lately, especially with my mum" or even hint "wish you would give me a hug today". He has trouble reading all the information in lenghty texts (he has a lot more focus when we talk). Actually, we "talk" a lot on emjoii and sending pictures. He does a lot of the promotion for his job online, so I also "follow his texts there, to see pics of him with guests or just see that they offer fish today or whatever - it is silly, but I feel like I am there a bit. I have also started to do promo for my job a bit, and I know he pays attention to what I post too.

i am wondering if you do anything for self-empathy when you feel stress? Stress can be really hard, but even small stuff help.

It is not too much to ask to make him tell you when he is going to be unavailable for especially more than a day. It may feel weird to him, but it is about logistics actually; if he tells you, you are not going to worry, it is really simple.

I dont get what a "non-communicating phaze" is (even if sometimes high season feels like that!). But I know that if SO is seemingly getting more busy, work (and previously, studies) is to blame for it. And he very seldom wants to admit that, so I usually just go "I guess things are really busy at work".

[differentcountries]

double-post

[grupplegrup]

Good to hear other stories about communication being out of alignment. I've been having the same problem lately.

So, is going radio silent normal for guys?

I think it depends on the person more than gender. I'm a guy, and at the moment I'm the one wishing there was more frequent communication. I guess the easiest thing is to just relay my situation and you can see if there are any useful bits of advice hidden in there.

My relationship was struck up online. We had been in on-and-off contact for 6 months, but starting in January this year we began chatting every day. By February we were voice chatting as well. By March we were video chatting and in constant contact - or at least as much as possible with our insane time difference. I think one weekend in April we talked for a total of about 12 hours. We just had our headsets on and went about doing our daily things, talking away. Around April or May we started watching a movie together online (via letsgaze) almost every weekend (our date nights). So we were literally in constant contact. If I texted her, I'd always get a reply pretty quickly, even if it was just to say, "busy, can talk in a couple hours."

We finally got to meet in person for a whole month in August. It went better than either of us had expected. It was really, really amazing. By the end we were talking about how to close the gap in 2017...marriage was mentioned. After just over a month I had to deliver her to the airport for a teary-eyed departure.

Once she was back home, she of course had jet lag, and wanted to reconnect with her friends and family. So I was expecting a little "down time", so to speak. We still texted every day, but the conversations were now more quick checkins and not occurring as often, and we were voice chatting less, etc. I figured it'd rebound back to what it was before. I wanted it to be that way (well, ok, the 12 hours in one weekend was a little excessive . I enjoyed the closeness that the frequent communication created. Well, it didn't rebound. In some ways it trailed off even more.

We've only had 2 movie nights (night for me, afternoon for her) in the last 2 months, and both were cut short because she made plans with friends for afterwards and we hadn't started on time. We rarely video chat anymore. We voice chat a few times a week. We do text every day, but often nothing that amounts to a conversation. Just quick checkins. Now, I realize, that might sound not too bad and I shouldn't complain. However, it's not what it was before. I can text her now, and have it be hours before I get a reply. Despite the fact that she's told me she's home and I, for example, even see a Facebook update from her - yet she hasn't even looked at my message (ah! technology, a blessing and a curse).

She still says "I love you" every day, though the other random compliments and mushy talk have almost dried up. I've asked her about the communication level a couple times and she's said she's been busy, exhausted because she hasn't been sleeping well (various reasons), etc. I even asked point blank if she might be having second thoughts on everything now that she's back home, and mentioned I've felt that maybe something is bothering her. She said no. But, still, I'm often feeling ignored now. And, yeah, it's not a good feeling. I've been at a loss over what I can do.

I'm hoping we get to discuss what's going on a bit more in the near future. But my 2 thoughts on what is going on:

a.) Everything is a little cyclical. People go through busy periods, stressed, etc. And then rebound. And everyone reacts differently to what life throws at them. I'm having to realize that maybe there are things going on in her life now that weren't going on before and has caused her to withdraw a bit. And I have to take her at her word that she isn't withdrawing from me or us. It just is what it is. Maybe the timing was totally coincidental too. Or maybe it's not - after meeting in person the idea that she might move to the other side of the world has become more real and it's a lot to prepare for. It might be causing her to want to spend more time with friends and family.

b.) There's always that arc in a new relationship. The excitement of first meeting. The honeymoon phase. And with a LDR, before meeting in person, that extra mystery. I know we both side towards being introverts and she had told me that she's never felt so talkative before than when talking to me. By April or May of this year she was saying we'd spoken more, and know more about each other, than people she had dated in person for several months. So, I may have been getting an unusual side of her during that time and now that we've met in person, that extra excitement and mystery has subsided ... and frankly, the comfort and security of a real relationship has set in. This is her arc. She's gotten back to perhaps being a bit more reserved, and I'm still on the new relationship high.

After several weeks of major anxiety over this, I'm having to realize that there are a lot of reasons why someone might withdraw a bit. And it's not always a sign of something being wrong in the relationship, or with you, or them. I still feel the anxiety, but it's getting better. And having "a talk" with the other person is really helpful.

What I finally did a couple weeks ago was to msg my SO while she was asleep and ask her to call me in the morning when she got the msg, as there was something I wanted to talk about (and mentioned it was nothing bad). She called and we had a 45m talk. This is when I asked her if anything was bothering her (with work, friends, family, me, us). She opened up and told me about things that were going on, including one that I hadn't known before. It was really helpful.

Any suggestions on talking to men that *HATE* relationship talk?

So, only after writing everything above did I think of an answer to that. I would approach it as I described. Not as a relationship talk, but as a talk where you're asking about them and about how they are feeling, and if there's anything bugging them (about anything!). Sure, nudge a little bit about the relationship in there at some point, but don't make the whole talk about the relationship. I found this really helpful. And my SO even apologized for not communicating a couple important details to me very clearly before.

Hope my story helps. You're not alone in having communication issues in an LDR. It can be a real challenge, as I'm finding out. But it doesn't automatically mean the relationship is in jeopardy. Propose a time to talk and try to get him to open up about whatever might be going on.

I'm trying to wrap my head around how he could need more distance than moving across the country

I know exactly how you feel!!! I finally meet my SO, we hit it off even better than expected, discuss marriage, etc, and she goes home and withdraws. It's confusing. But I'm trying to keep positive and look at the obvious good things, not speculate on possible bad things. I still get a "Love you" every day. We still do text every day, at least a little. We still voice chat a few times a week, and she initiates some - even if the conversations tend to be shorter. She's now flat out told me there's nothing wrong between us. And, she bought a ticket to return in December for almost 3 weeks (I've now bought a ticket to fly out in March 2017). If there were looming doubts in her mind, this probably wouldn't be the case.

Good luck, and I hope all goes well!