30+ 40th Birthday Nightmare!!!

[Cami213]

Hello Everyone,
I just had to share my experience from last weekend with someone. I do not tell my family and friends everything about my relationship, they're too judgmental...Anyway here goes.

My 40th birthday was on 12/13 and I told my SO that all I wanted to do was be with him for my birthday. He lives in New York and I live in Dallas, Texas. I made plans (plane ticket) to fly up. He told me the week that I was to arrive that he had not had time to make plans and that I needed to plan some things to do. I thought he was joking. I'm not from NYC, I have never lived there and this was my 3rd time going there, plus i'm coming for a special occassion. I did however tell him I would love to go to Atlantic City for a day or so and I wanted to see an Alvin Ailey performance. The day I arrived his mother had a sleep study appointment around the time I flew in. He had to drop her off and then come get me from the airport...that took forever! So, we didn't make it to Atlantic City. The next day he had a doctor's appointment so we just ended up going to a bar and having some drinks later that evening. The 3rd day mother dearest scheduled a doctor's appointment at 2pm in the middle of the day on a Friday. It took 2 hours and then she insisted on him taking her out to eat. We did not drop her off until 6:30p at night and got stuck in traffic...I missed my Dance performance. By Saturday morning I was ready to go back to Dallas. The stress from what should have been a wonderful birthday weekend overwhelmed me, I felt the whole weekend was sabotaged. I am mostly hurt because no thought was put into the whole weekend. His response was, "You said you just wanted to be with me." He went as far as to ask me If I made reservations at a restaurant for my birthday dinner...I didn't know I had to. So we ended up eating at a 24 hour diner in Manhattan. Was I expecting too much for us to have only been dating for 6 months? Am I wrong for being afraid that his overbearing mother will cause him to eventually give up because it's too stressful trying to please two women?


-Thanks in advance for reading and commenting

[sasad]

It depends. If he is literal, then he took you for what you said. He also said he didn't make any plans for the week.. That being said, you mentioned going to Atlantic City as well.. THAT he could have planned. I think that is both of you that are not communicating at all. This is a new relationship and you both need to set boundaries and expectations.

So no, I don't think it was all his fault or your fault, but BOTH.

ps- is his mom old?. my SO's mom is sorta like that. She realizes that at 77, she doesn't have much time left and wants to se my so more than she ever has. I am OK with that, but again, set boundaries.

[Cami213]

Yea, you're right. I'm normally a girl that will say, "I would like to do this, or can we go here?" I am so passive with him because we are so new. I think this trip in the end was good for both of us. I left on a good note. To answer your question his mother is 66, she lives by herself 5 mins from him. She doesn't drive and his Dad who lived with her for over 40 years and never married her decided once he retired last month to move down south to Florida by himself. So all of a sudden she needs all this help. When I visit she will call him constantly, wants to know what we are doing. She even has inappropriate conversations with him like, "I need to find me a new man so I can have sex since I'm still young." Who would tell their son that?

[hmrambling]

Was I expecting too much for us to have only been dating for 6 months?

Maybe. He told you that he had not had time to make plans and that you needed to plan some things to do. You might have thought he was joking, but a little bit of clear communication would have sorted out whether he was joking or not. I'm not so sure that the length of time you've been dating has anything to do with whether you expected too much, though. It might go the same way after two or three years of dating if you two don't communicate clearly about what your plans are. My SO is pretty literal and to the point. If she tells me that she has not had the opportunity to make plans, and that I need to plan some things to do, she means it. I will take it for exactly what it sounds like. I will not take it for a joke.

Am I wrong for being afraid that his overbearing mother will cause him to eventually give up because it's too stressful trying to please two women?

Yes. He is a grown man and is able to make his own decisions. Even if his mother is overbearing, he is ultimately responsible for his own decisions, not her. He needs to sort out how he will manage his time. That's on him. It is possible to have an overbearing mother and not cater to her every whim or wish. For me, those people who are important to me are my priorities. I made time for those people. I have a friend whose mother is very overbearing and judgemental. I'll make plans to go to lunch with my friend, and her mother will call with all sorts of demands, and she politely (sometimes not so politely) tells her mother that she is at lunch with a friend and will get back to her later. My friend's mother doesn't dictate my friend's behavior. My friend alone is responsible for her own actions, not her mother.

I encourage you to work on communication. It will go a long way for both of you.

[Moon]

To be honest, his state or not, you should have been ready with some ideas. My guy lives in Helsinki, and I plan most of our activities both there and here, and that started with my second visit. I'm a planner, he's not, if I leave it up to him we don't do interesting things. It might be too early for you to realize you'll need to be the planner in the relationship if you want to actually do things and not sit around, but maybe now you get it. It's not hard to search a New York tourist website and find some things you'll both like, so take charge and just do it.

I have to say though, that if the only two things I asked for during my birthday, he wiggled out of, I'm not so sure I'd be so forgiving. It was your birthday, he should have at least made a dinner reservation, I don't think I could be very happy with someone so thoughtless.

[Cami213]

Thanks for your reply, It was hard to be forgiving. I'm a nurse and worked 6- 12 hour shifts up until I flew out. He was off the 2 days before I came. I felt it was really no excuse. I think I just really wanted him to plan one day without my input, suggestion or me initiating it.

[Sparkling72]

That's a tough one! Your relationship is new, and I agree with the others, you're working on communication. However, I think if it were any other "regular" visit - not a special occasion... then ok, he was busy, you look into making plans, or just go with the flow of what's going on that weekend. But really, this was your first birthday with him and his chance to show you that you are special on your birthday. Part of me wonders... will this always happen on special occasions? I think this would disappoint me as well.

As far as his mom goes... I have a guy friend who has a relationship with his mother like the one you described. She is in her early 60's and fairly active. Her 2nd husband left her and moved away about 5-7 years ago. He and his mom live close together, within a few miles. He takes her everywhere. They do a lot together. She makes similar comments about how she needs to date. When she is dating, she backs way off of him... and is happy he's dating. When she is not dating anyone, she gives him grief about how he puts his girlfriend before her and world of a guilt trip - tries to sabotage it as well. No one meets her standards. And then she wonders why she has no grandkids...?

I'm not saying his relationship with his mom is that bad... but I am saying keep some of those red flags in mind that you see when you visit. if he puts you in the back seat... that's where you're staying.