30+ My parents don't approve with my LDR

[erwin1973]

Good day to everyone.

Well, I guess the title says it all, right? Not that I really need their approve, hey, I'm 43... But yeah, I would like to admid it would be nice if they did. I really can't talk to my parents about it, never can share the good things my SO and me experience.

Whenever I mention her name, my mother grumbles in disapproval, it's heartbreaking, actually. She refuses to talk about it, and makes me afraid to show how happy I am with my SO. It feels like living in to different worlds.

I know why my parents - and especially my mother - don't approve. My first marriage started as an LDR too, and after 10 years we got devorced. Now my mother is afraid my new SO is the same as my first wife. And that is so absolutely not the case...

Mind, I am not asking for a solution. And yes, her parents and family do approve of me. I am just wondering if there are more people around here who have disapproving parents / family on their own side?

[snow]

Well, they disapproved until he proposed to me and then they welcomed him as family. Before I took my first flight, they told me they would disown me if I flew out (I was 24), but in all honesty, they just wanted the best for me. I guess the big age difference and that I could end up living so far away from them must have scared them. In the end it worked out and my parents LOVE my husband so much, they love him more than their other son-in-law who lives like an hour away haha

[Chris516]

OP, My parents' disapproved of my having an LDR(even though I am adult). That was until, I reminded them. That while LDR's are hard. I have been treated far better, than my (ex)wife ever did. Yes there were disagreements' between the respective SO n' I at the time. But it was never like my (ex)wife. So while the distance is tough. The overall relationship has been better. Sure I wanted CD in each case which ultimately did not happen. But, I didn't care about my parents' approval. Because they haven't lived my life. My SO in each LDR communicated better with me. So, I asked my parents' if my happiness was important to them. I knew what their answer would be.

Are you happy in the LDR? I certainly am.

[sasad]

Part of it may be because you have never met up in person and you relationship is pretty new..Have you Skype with them all? Have plans for them to meet?

[erwin1973]

OP, My parents' disapproved of my having an LDR(even though I am adult). That was until, I reminded them. That while LDR's are hard. I have been treated far better, than my (ex)wife ever did. Yes there were disagreements' between the respective SO n' I at the time. But it was never like my (ex)wife. So while the distance is tough. The overall relationship has been better. Sure I wanted CD in each case which ultimately did not happen. But, I didn't care about my parents' approval. Because they haven't lived my life. My SO in each LDR communicated better with me. So, I asked my parents' if my happiness was important to them. I knew what their answer would be.

Are you happy in the LDR? I certainly am.

Hi Chris,

Tnx. I am pretty much in the same situation. Although my first marriage also started out as an LDR. And somehow my parents were very supportive then. I don't really understand where their distrust comes from - any woman you meet and (think) you love can be better or worse then your last relationship has been. Or the same, for that matter.

Me too, my current SO (and at this point - even though we're only together for 5 months) and I have much and much more in common then my first wife - whom I devorced after 10 years.

Of course, my parents want me to be happy. I know that, too. I just wish I could talk about it with them. Let's hope they change when they meet her.

Part of it may be because you have never met up in person and you relationship is pretty new..Have you Skype with them all? Have plans for them to meet?

Well, Sasad, tnh I haven't met my SO yet myself. We are working on that but for various reasons it takes a while. And I don't see my parents accompany me to Central Visayas, actually. So they will have to wait until my SO comes to me.

@Snow:
Wow, that is something... Threaten to disown... Mmm... I hope my parents don't come to that. But if they do, so be it.

[Chris516]

@Snow:
Wow, that is something... Threaten to disown... Mmm... I hope my parents don't come to that. But if they do, so be it.

Snow, That is horrible of your parents'. It isn't like you are involved with someone that is a dumpster diver. Your SO is a human being.

[sasad]

Snow, That is horrible of your parents'. It isn't like you are involved with someone that is a dumpster diver. Your SO is a human being.

Sometimes being a dumpster diver is the best life you can have..and apparently, some make an amazing living off of it....https://www.wired.com/2015/02/high-e...g-matt-malone/

You'd be surprised how many of us were threaten to be disowned. It's a threat, to get us to listen etc, they never did it. My dad said the same thing. I did what i did, and he was actually happy I stood up. Words are not actions. It's a way to manipulate.

[Chris516]

Sometimes being a dumpster diver is the best life you can have..and apparently, some make an amazing living off of it....https://www.wired.com/2015/02/high-e...g-matt-malone/

You'd be surprised how many of us were threaten to be disowned. It's a threat, to get us to listen etc, they never did it. My dad said the same thing. I did what i did, and he was actually happy I stood up. Words are not actions. It's a way to manipulate.

True, true.

My 'dumpster diver' wasn't meant to be demeaning. But more supportive in the wake of the criticism we all face from family who think we have 'lost our marbles', 'the choo-choo has gone 'round the bend', or we 'cooked our bacon too long'.

While I have never been threatened with being disowned. I can still picture it mentally.

[Sparkling72]

Hey, I'm 44 and still wanted my parents approval.. yes I kick myself for it too LOL They were apprehensive b/c they thought I was too serious too fast, when they didn't know everything and IMO (in my opinion) they can't understand LDRs. I sent my mother an article on LDRs and how they are in many ways better than starting off with in-person relationships especially after a divorce.

After we all attended mass on Christmas and he wore his formal navy uniform - SO got a ton of attention after church, like a dang celebrity! He had a small crowd around him, and people were asking my parents about him and how proud they must be that their daughter was with such a decorated military man! Well, guess who also fell in love with him after that episode? LOL only took most of the year LOL

it's hard b/c when you're close with your parents, and you're happy, you want them to be happy with you... I wish you all the best, this isn't an easy struggle at any age

[erwin1973]

@ Sparkling72,
Hey, I'm 43 (44 in 3 weeks time). So let's say we don't really have a big gap there.
I'm not really that close to my parents any more. I was, but since I can't talk about this with them, I feel a little bit put aside. And there is one big difference between you (and Snow) and me - I'm the man in this story, you're the ladies in the story. That makes a huge difference, in my humble opinion.
There where your parents (and Snow's) were happy with the proposal (Snow) or appearence (how do I write that), I am the one here to propose...
I'm not saying my parents will be disapproving forever, although I am sure that when I bring up the subject, I'll be in for a very serious talk with my parents.
And as you might have found out reading my posts, I do have a bit of a problem communicating, formulating my opinion. Even more so, I tend sometimes to just shut up and do what I want.
I'm straying, am I, from the subject.
I am absolutely sure between my SO and me all will be fine. And yes, even though I'm 43, my parents approval would be very nice to have. Not nessecary, but very nice.

[snow]

Snow, That is horrible of your parents'. It isn't like you are involved with someone that is a dumpster diver. Your SO is a human being.

Eh, I knew it was empty threats. They were worried about my well-being and didn't know how to stop me. I hold no grudge and now that they know my husband is awesome, they love him unconditionally

[Sparkling72]

@ Sparkling72,
Hey, I'm 43 (44 in 3 weeks time). So let's say we don't really have a big gap there.
I'm not really that close to my parents any more. I was, but since I can't talk about this with them, I feel a little bit put aside. And there is one big difference between you (and Snow) and me - I'm the man in this story, you're the ladies in the story. That makes a huge difference, in my humble opinion.
There where your parents (and Snow's) were happy with the proposal (Snow) or appearence (how do I write that), I am the one here to propose...
I'm not saying my parents will be disapproving forever, although I am sure that when I bring up the subject, I'll be in for a very serious talk with my parents.
And as you might have found out reading my posts, I do have a bit of a problem communicating, formulating my opinion. Even more so, I tend sometimes to just shut up and do what I want.
I'm straying, am I, from the subject.
I am absolutely sure between my SO and me all will be fine. And yes, even though I'm 43, my parents approval would be very nice to have. Not necessary, but very nice

Well... the next time the subject comes up... maybe that is something you should say to them. Nicely, of course, that you're (going to be) 44 years old, don't need their approval, but that it would be really nice to have. You're happy and they should please try to be happy for you. Which, I'm sure you may have said a few times, but I think it's one of those things you have to keep bringing up. Another thing is to remind them that if they want you in their lives more often, then they have to accept her.

No, it's not an easy hill to climb, no matter if you're the son or the daughter in this situation. Mothers tend to be protective of their sons as do fathers protect their daughters. Believe me, my father is an ex-policeman from Detroit. If you know anything about Detroit, it's a tough city... which makes for an even tougher father!!

[2Rocky]

Yeah my mother is having a hard time with me moving on from my XW. She told me a hard timeline I should wait before getting in a relationship. I did not heed that.

There are a number of complicating factors that I won't go into, but at some point I gotta tell her that it is HER problem, not mine.

There is a real good article on the Art of Manliness blog about the relationship particularly between a mother and son. I don't have enough posts to link to it but it is a worthwhile read.

blow-up-your-relationship-with-your-mother-and-get-one-step-closer-to-being-the-man-you-want-to-be is the title...

[erwin1973]

Well... the next time the subject comes up... maybe that is something you should say to them. Nicely, of course, that you're (going to be) 44 years old, don't need their approval, but that it would be really nice to have. You're happy and they should please try to be happy for you. Which, I'm sure you may have said a few times, but I think it's one of those things you have to keep bringing up. Another thing is to remind them that if they want you in their lives more often, then they have to accept her.

Yeah. And that is what I am afraid of. My mother just stops talking if she doesn't agree with something, she turns into herself and refuses to say anything. Although I have a few photo's of my SO and her daughter in my appartment, she even refuses to look at them. My faters opinion, I actually don't know, although he'll always backs up my mother (and I think he should).

No, it's not an easy hill to climb, no matter if you're the son or the daughter in this situation. Mothers tend to be protective of their sons as do fathers protect their daughters. Believe me, my father is an ex-policeman from Detroit. If you know anything about Detroit, it's a tough city... which makes for an even tougher father!!

Yes, that I found out. I am getting pretty fond of her daughter. And we've reached a point now that makes us think of the future. And I find myself worrying about her daughter as a father will.

[Chris516]

Eh, I knew it was empty threats. They were worried about my well-being and didn't know how to stop me. I hold no grudge and now that they know my husband is awesome, they love him unconditionally

That is awesome(that they love your husband unconditionally)!!!!