30+ Talking about Previous Relationships

[2Rocky]

So she has been divorced 15 years, and has had some relationships in that time. I think anyone in my age bracket will have that has been single long...

We talk a lot about communication and respect in relationships and all of her talking points seem to come from her marriage (15 years ago), and she doesn't talk about her relationships since that time. Or at least she doesn't volunteer the specifics. I think she has filled me in more on the ex husband since he is the father of her children. He is someone I will meet at some point.

She has said there were 2 or 3 serious relationships during that time, and that the last one "just left". She never mentions his name. I feel that I need to know more about those relationships since in order to be a good partner and understand her fears, wants and needs in a relationship. Part of me wants to ask the guy "What would make you desert a woman this great? Is there something I'm missing?"

From talking with my SO, apparently he contacted her again since we have been dating, and she told him, that she was in a relationship with me. That was encouraging.

I'm not looking for the number of sex partners in that time, that would make me a little uncomfortable. But I'd at least like to know the last guy's name and the duration of their relationship and just how serious it was. She knows all about my marriage, and my dissatisfaction.

Is that fair? How do I phrase the inquiry?

I've always said "I'm sorry you had to go through what you did in your life, but it made you into the woman I love."

[xxcazaxx]

I'd at least like to know the last guy's name and the duration of their relationship and just how serious it was. She knows all about my marriage, and my dissatisfaction.

Do you really think its going to change anything in your relationship you knowing this? I would say that if it is something that she wants to talk about then she will bring it up herself.

[R&R]

Do you really think its going to change anything in your relationship you knowing this? I would say that if it is something that she wants to talk about then she will bring it up herself.

I agree with this. What difference is it going to make if you know his name or how long the relationship was? If you want to know how it effected her, then ask her what things she learned from previous relationships that she found worked for her or didn't work so well. She can then relay experiences that will give you an idea of those wants, fears and needs but without her having to provide information that she is apparently not interested in sharing.

[snow]

As long as important information was shared voluntarily, like previous marriages, children, etc., give her time to feel more comfortable. My husband told me about his 2 girlfriends before me and that was it, just that there were 2, not their names, nothing specific.

A little while later, I would probably say 6 months or so we had a conversation where we talked about our exes and at that point I asked him a couple more specific questions and then he told me more.

Just because you volunteer this information doesn't mean she has to. As long as she is not hiding anything, it should not matter.

[Moon]

I'm torn on this, just deleted my first response. On one hand, I think that I don't understand people's need for the dirty details, and want to say leave it alone, let her tell you if she wants to. On the other hand, I think that knowing how many "serious" relationships someone was in, and some things, like how they ended, can tell a lot about someone you're considering giving your heart to. If someone isn't even 30, and they claim a dozen serious relationships, full of drama and ridiculousness, that might really save a ton of heartache. They may show patterns if, say, no relationship lasted more than a year. So yeah, I'm not sure what the answer is, and I guess that's less than helpful, sorry 'bout that

[erwin1973]

It's a difficult situation, true.
I can only speak from my own feelings and my own experiences in how my lady and I talk about this.
Since she is a widow, I know how her relationship ended and that it was a good one, although he tended to be over-jealous and over-protective.
I have a child with my (very dominant) ex-wife and that still causes a huge amount of friction, and she is happy to give me some advice (it's not that I talk about my ex all the time, just once in a while). She knows how my marriage ended and how long I have been thinking of ending it. Why I stayed all that time. What things I don't like that happened. And I know about hers.
We tend not to look back, too often anyway, because we want to build a future together. And looking back does not bring you to the future. Like my late grandfather said: "Don't look back, you're not going that way".
But on the other hand, I agree it is important to know certain things about the previous relationships.
It's difficult to answer.

[80anthea]

I'd also question WHY there is the need to know the details like names? What difference really will it make? You might find it just comes out in a random conversation at some point anyway. When we first got together we used to play games like 100 questions about each other, most of them were silly ones and general curiosity type things like favourite colour etc. On both of our list of questions were 'how many exes do you have?', I guess I wanted to know out of curiosity and I think it can tell you a little about a person if they've had one compared to a hundred but I didn't want to know details of names etc as they're in the past.

He knows a lot more about my ex than I do his for the simple reason I still have to contact mine as he's the father of my daughter and so still has a role in my life. My SO's ex is just a ex and he never mentions her because she's not important in his life at all now.

[differentcountries]

I dont know the name of the woman SO used to date. I just know she was German, looked a whole lot like me but was older and the she was nice company but did not love SO. And also he did not love her. He sometimes refers to her as his ex girlfriend, but he also says I am his first girlfriend. I think perhaps calling it an affair would be accurate. It was not like she met his family or even his friends. I used to be a bit jealous of her until I found out how little they shared, and then I was just sad for him. I am very protective of him and the thought of someone loving him LESS than I do does not make me feel like I am better, it just upsets me. I think everyone should love him, because he is the best.

He knows about my exes and dont mind, he just wanted to know why things ended when they did.

[Sparkling72]

I also don't find the name important, nor the need to talk to any ex person she had. I, personally, would want to know things like what she liked about them, what turned her off, and why the broke up. If one guy "just left" then maybe it was really painful for her and she's unable to discuss it. Maybe she doesn't know why or know what to say... asking him won't solve anything for you either, really. What may have driven him away is something you love about her and draws you to her. You do need to leave the specific details of the past in the past. Knowing the general details, what she liked, didn't like I think is good b/c like you said it makes for a better partner moving forward. She probably relates most to the Ex-H because of kids and constantly in contact with him. I dated one other person in between ExH and current SO and I rarely bring the other guy up b/c he just isn't that relevant... ExH is because I still have to deal with him regularly and he still drives me insane at times.

[sasad]

You are not going to be a better partner knowing her past. You should be a better partner now.
Its really none of your concern.. that is before you and the past. Ans it should stay there.
You will end up comparing yourself or trying to compete and possibly hold something against her.

Let it be.

[snow]

Part of me wants to ask the guy "What would make you desert a woman this great? Is there something I'm missing?"

This also reminds me of my parents asking me why my husband has never been married at the age of 31 and what was "wrong" with him.

[hmrambling]

Is that fair? How do I phrase the inquiry?

I think I would put this into the "how important is it?" category.

If it were me, and granted I know that OP and I are not in a relationship, but I can tell you how I would feel if it were me... Do not ask questions that you are not prepared for the answers for. Do not.

Perhaps she is me.

Perhaps she has had many relationships, and they were unhealthy and she cheated. When she was younger, she screwed around on every partner. Can you dig it? Can you handle it? The relationships were so unhealthy that she learned all kinds of lessons about what not to do in relationships. Those relationships were toxic, and emotionally abusive, and verbally abusive sometimes. Sometimes she dished out the emotional and verbal abuse. Can you dig it? Are you still good with that?

But she's grown and is a better person and has been through recovery including therapy and 12 step programs.

My partner learned a little bit at a time about me. When we first met I was in no position to tell her everything. We've talked enough to know that in the big picture I'm a much better person than I was, and that I came from some very low points in life. I wasn't always the person that I am now. She gets the general concept. Never has she asked me for names. I doubt I would give them to her. I don't know that she's really entitled to the names of my exes.

But one thing is for sure: she knows to not ask those questions that she's not ready for the answers.

So, how important is it to you? That's for you to determine.