30+ His XW and trying to reach out to her...

[Sparkling72]

After much careful thought and consideration... I feel that I must try and reach out to his XW. The reasons for this are extensive, but I'm going to try to keep this short.

I'll begin with a background... and by saying that she didn't take the divorce well at all and tries to manipulate the kids in various ways, speaks horribly of their father to them. Staying in their home was "too painful" and she would only grant the divorce if she were allowed to move away with the kids wherever she wanted to. He was transferring away anyway and granted her the move. She moved to Japan... as a military wife, she always worked on various bases as a grief counselor - she has 2 masters degrees in different areas of counseling (recall manipulating the kids I said earlier?) so she has always worked as a civilian in the military and was offered a job in Japan by an old boss - off they went. The kids struggled being teenagers away from their friends. As if the divorce wasn't hard enough, let's move them immediately too. Anyway - I met his kids back in August before they moved, it was my last chance to meet them as they were leaving in Sept. SO didn't tell his ex that I was coming for fear that she would freak out and not allow it. I, on the other hand, was fully prepared to have to meet her (mom to mom). I was scared to death tho bc of the horror stories. Of course the kids mention they met me and she flipped out - didn't exactly blame her, but she went off the deep end. After all, I must have the skills of a walmart greeter and a street hooker. (b/c some how her 2 degrees made her a rational logical person??) Anyway, as she is showing her true colors, the kids started to learn that mom was being horrible and manipulating... they like me just fine and still do. At Christmas, SO was sending them a care package of gifts. I bought them each a card with a visa gift card in it to include. I want them to know that they are important to me as well and not just their dad. She freaked out. How dare I invade her sacred home! Demanded the kids not open the gifts and immediately throw them away. I clearly did this deliberately to provoke her and rub it in her face that he is with me now. (roll eyes) I ruined Christmas for her and the kids and they don't like me - according to her nasty email. Christmas day, he face time called the kids and they each said thank you to me (leading me to believe they may have snuck it out of the trash and kept the gift card) and merry christmas and we had a very nice chat with them. However, I was forbidden to send anything for their upcoming birthdays (in Jan and Feb) bc she is their "true and rightful mother" and their birthdays belong to her. um, ok... SO decides that we will not send separate gifts and cards and buys birthday cards that say from "us" and we both signed them. As far as I know, nothing has been said about it... he very well could be protecting me from it, idk. it's all about her and not the kids obviously.

That's the short back story... the kids are to come out here this summer for a month. I have a strong feeling she is going to forbid that they spend any time with me (she can't do that b/c only one will be under 18 and he has the right to his kids). She even tried to put it in their decree that he wasn't allowed to introduce his kids to any woman unless we were married... her lawyer even thought she was crazy for that. I want to do this for the kids. I dont want them to be miserable for any length of time before they come out here. I want them to get to know me better and see that I truly am not trying to replace their mom, that they are important to me, and they can enjoy staying with us. I want to try to extend an olive branch, mom to mom. I am going to try it from the approach of my XH's girlfriend - a woman who has never been married, never had kids, and barely likes kids at all. I'm going to try and share my experiences with her, from my kids point of view and really emphasize how my kids feel. His GF will not spend the night with him if the kids are there, wanted nothing to do with them for Christmas, and if the kids are with him, they all have to do what she wants to do. Yes, that's on the XH, but that's the approach I'm taking. I don't want his kids to suffer the wrath of listening to her go on and on about me and make them feel guilty for liking me.

She very well may set my olive branch on fire.. but I have to try. I am wondering what some of your thoughts might be as well on what else to bring up with her. some of you might have gone through something similar.... and many of you have good advice... I want to hear it...

[sasad]

Probably what you don't want to heart, but DONT do it. I'd she is still unstable its going to go bad for you. Trust me, I lived that.. As my kids did, they finally saw their mom for what she is. she also lost custody and it was stated that I was the only stable part of the whole mess. Technically your relationship is just a year new as well. I am not sure how long they have been divorced.
Please dont do that right now. You are still new and she will do what she can to continue to make life hell for her ex and pass it on to her kids. That she moved the kids so far is kinda messed up. My ex let his ex moved, but only so far away AND only because her family was near. When she tried to move further, the courts stopped that. I think its silly that people think the only way to get the divorce finalized is to be manipulated.. The courts are usually better with keeping everyone closer. So I am sorry you BF is where he is.
Good that the kids are older. That way you dont have to deal with the BS after they are 18. Let them get to know you on those terms. Everything you say and do will be turned against you the way his ex is now.. She is not going to listen to you. I would bet on that I am sorry to say. And as much as I hate to say it, she is the mother, he is the father, and it is their kids. You cant change that and that is what she is honing to think
My step kids are 25, 22 and 19... they all know i love them, and know their mom is whack, but its still their mom. I get the I love you from them. And that's all I need.

I know you mean well. I get it. But I honestly think at this point in a new relationship, her being unstable, you are going to muck stuff up. Been there..done that...YOU cant fix it. Let the kids visit and get to know you. It's the second visit correct? she cannot stop visitation and violate a court order without repercussions.. Give it time. Don't try to force things.
And hat is the real reason you have to reach out? Again, she is an angry, bitter person right now and she will see you as a threat. And yes, if she badmoths the dad, do you really think she is going to be besties with you honestly?

[Chris516]

OP, I read every word. I can only see fire coming from his XW.

[hmrambling]

I want to try to extend an olive branch, mom to mom. I am going to try it from the approach of my XH's girlfriend - a woman who has never been married, never had kids, and barely likes kids at all.

How can you have a mom to mom conversation with her if you've never had kids? To state that you barely like kids at all will not help your argument.

I don't want his kids to suffer the wrath of listening to her go on and on about me and make them feel guilty for liking me.

Part of life is accepting that you have no control over other people's actions, reactions, or emotions. Your gesture sounds like an attempt to control the outcome of the ex-wife not liking you. You cannot control that. You cannot control what she says or does, either.

My sister's ex-husband put it in the custody papers that my niece and nephew are to have limited exposure to my sister's boyfriend. These sorts of clauses are not unheard of. They may not be that common, but they certainly are not unheard of and they do exist. So prepare yourself in case the clause is put in either the divorce decree or the custody papers. And my sister has been with her boyfriend (now fiance) since 2008. So that's some food for thought. And that clause still stands.

I personally have dated a manipulative mental health professional with an MSW myself. She wasn't particularly smart. In fact, she was more manipulative than smart. It took all I had to get out of that relationship. We were together for 3 years. I learned a lot about controlling and manipulative behavior in those 3 years. In fact, more than I ever wanted to know. Like it or not, your now boyfriend chose to pursue a relationship with her at one time. He chose to have children with her as well. You are the new girlfriend. You cannot control her, her actions, her reactions, or her emotions. I would not enter into an arena if I were not prepared for the outcome of a conversation such as you are suggesting. I'm not so sure that you're prepared for the outcome. It could be exponentially worse than it already is. Are you prepared for that IF the outcome is worse than it is currently?

[Sparkling72]

How can you have a mom to mom conversation with her if you've never had kids? To state that you barely like kids at all will not help your argument.

Sorry, I think you misunderstood... re-read the quote of mine you posted... My XH's (ex-husband) girlfriend is who I am talking about there. I said I have 2 kids. XH's girlfriend - a woman who has never been married, never had kids, and barely likes kids at all. I'm going to try and share my experiences with her, from my kids point of view and really emphasize how my kids feel.

but thank you for sharing your experiences, it is appreciated.

[Sparkling72]

Probably what you don't want to heart, but DONT do it. I'd she is still unstable its going to go bad for you. Trust me, I lived that.. As my kids did, they finally saw their mom for what she is. she also lost custody and it was stated that I was the only stable part of the whole mess. Technically your relationship is just a year new as well. I am not sure how long they have been divorced.
Please dont do that right now. You are still new and she will do what she can to continue to make life hell for her ex and pass it on to her kids. That she moved the kids so far is kinda messed up. My ex let his ex moved, but only so far away AND only because her family was near. When she tried to move further, the courts stopped that. I think its silly that people think the only way to get the divorce finalized is to be manipulated.. The courts are usually better with keeping everyone closer. So I am sorry you BF is where he is.
Good that the kids are older. That way you dont have to deal with the BS after they are 18. Let them get to know you on those terms. Everything you say and do will be turned against you the way his ex is now.. She is not going to listen to you. I would bet on that I am sorry to say. And as much as I hate to say it, she is the mother, he is the father, and it is their kids. You cant change that and that is what she is honing to think
My step kids are 25, 22 and 19... they all know i love them, and know their mom is whack, but its still their mom. I get the I love you from them. And that's all I need.

I know you mean well. I get it. But I honestly think at this point in a new relationship, her being unstable, you are going to muck stuff up. Been there..done that...YOU cant fix it. Let the kids visit and get to know you. It's the second visit correct? she cannot stop visitation and violate a court order without repercussions.. Give it time. Don't try to force things.
And hat is the real reason you have to reach out? Again, she is an angry, bitter person right now and she will see you as a threat. And yes, if she badmoths the dad, do you really think she is going to be besties with you honestly?

Well, I'm definitely not looking to be friends and I most definitely hear what you are saying. Yes, my real reason was to try to make it easier on the kids, with her. I guess I thought if I became more than this "entity" that maybe she'd lighten up. Perhaps you're right, now isn't the time. Part of my problem is that I try to see too much good in things and the reality is that probably no good would come of it. I just hate thinking of the BS that she's going to put them through the closer it gets. SO thinks my effort would fall on deaf ears or that she'd twist it around... sigh. I will likely wait until time gets closer... if she starts really being rotten, I might not be able to stop myself. Luckily, only one will be under 18 - his daughter is 15 and also lucky that she is rational like her father. The other 2 are older brothers, 18 and 20, but still afraid of her. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I appreciate it.

[Moon]

I have to agree that seeking her out right now is a bad idea, she's not going to be receptive to what you're trying to do and it might actually add to her aggression. Since the kids are older teens, just let it go for now, it won't matter in a couple of years, and as a girlfriend, trying to make it better for the kids might honestly be overstepping at the moment. Let their father handle that. It's good to care about their feelings, and you should discuss how you feel with your SO, but then leave all decisions on what to do about it to him, it's not your call. If you do this right, you've got a good chance at forming tight friendships with them later, but you have to be patient for now, even when you have their best interests at heart. Good luck.

[sasad]

Well, I'm definitely not looking to be friends and I most definitely hear what you are saying. Yes, my real reason was to try to make it easier on the kids, with her. I guess I thought if I became more than this "entity" that maybe she'd lighten up. Perhaps you're right, now isn't the time. Part of my problem is that I try to see too much good in things and the reality is that probably no good would come of it. I just hate thinking of the BS that she's going to put them through the closer it gets. SO thinks my effort would fall on deaf ears or that she'd twist it around... sigh. I will likely wait until time gets closer... if she starts really being rotten, I might not be able to stop myself. Luckily, only one will be under 18 - his daughter is 15 and also lucky that she is rational like her father. The other 2 are older brothers, 18 and 20, but still afraid of her. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I appreciate it.

I totally get what you are trying to do. In my case being married didn't make things better. My youngest step child is in college and I STIILL here crap. But that's ok.. I was the one that raised her two kids to be responsible adults. The one she tried to raise, lives in a tent, works at 7 /11, doesn't drive, which is good cuz he thinks adults are lame and its ok to be stoned all the time ( he is 25). the kids know in their hearts who was there for them. That's ALL that matters.

[Sparkling72]

I totally get what you are trying to do. In my case being married didn't make things better. My youngest step child is in college and I STIILL here crap. But that's ok.. I was the one that raised her two kids to be responsible adults. The one she tried to raise, lives in a tent, works at 7 /11, doesn't drive, which is good cuz he thinks adults are lame and its ok to be stoned all the time ( he is 25). the kids know in their hearts who was there for them. That's ALL that matters.

You're right... The kids opinion is all that matters! I just emailed him that I changed my mind on reaching out to her for fear of adding fuel to the fire and I that I trust that he will handle things if/when she freaks out. I also said I trust that he will stick up for me if she says nasty things about me, and that if she feels the need to contact me herself since her kids will be at my house, with my kids too... then to let her know I am open. He agreed that he feared that when the time got closer, she might flip out knowing the kids would be with us and at my house, but that he would of course stick up for me (he always had and was like "I always stick up for you") He said that if she kept being nasty or adamant the kids don't stay at my house, he will let her know that I offered for her to contact me. I'll put the ball in her court. And if she did actually contact me (I'm putting that probability at 25% likelihood) yea, she'll probably just try to nail me to the wall... but she doesn't realize my ex is hot tempered too and over the years I have become close to bullet proof when it comes to people trying to push my buttons. I'm just going to wait it out and take it in stride. I also know she facebook stalks me regularly... lol

[TaraMarie]

I agree with everyone else. Don't contact her. My one piece of advice (not assuming you will do it, but wanted to mention it anyway), is no matter WHAT, don't say anything bad in front of the kids about their mother. Regardless of how crazy she is, she is STILL their mother and they most likely will come to her defense, or worse, just turn their back on you. I have a wonderful step mother who I NEVER HEARD say a word about my mother as a teen and young adult. All these years later she occasionally says something slightly derogatory, and as much as I adore my mpstepmother and I know what she's saying is the truth.....only I can say anything bad about my own mother! I sometimes have to remind my husband not to say ANYTHING that my children may even slightly misconstrue as a slight against their dad.....even when I know he has done soothing so freaking stupid!

Good luck. Kids know when they are loved. Just keep on, keeping on!

[Sparkling72]

I agree with everyone else. Don't contact her. My one piece of advice (not assuming you will do it, but wanted to mention it anyway), is no matter WHAT, don't say anything bad in front of the kids about their mother. Regardless of how crazy she is, she is STILL their mother and they most likely will come to her defense, or worse, just turn their back on you. I have a wonderful step mother who I NEVER HEARD say a word about my mother as a teen and young adult. All these years later she occasionally says something slightly derogatory, and as much as I adore my mpstepmother and I know what she's saying is the truth.....only I can say anything bad about my own mother! I sometimes have to remind my husband not to say ANYTHING that my children may even slightly misconstrue as a slight against their dad.....even when I know he has done soothing so freaking stupid!

Good luck. Kids know when they are loved. Just keep on, keeping on!

No, I would never do that... in spite of my feelings. I don't do it to my kids about their dad either... there have been a few times where I lost it - like when they came home and broke down in tears about what an a-hole he was to them... but 90% of the time, I dont bad mouth him the way he does me. So, having to worry about his kids hating me for saying anything bad... yeah, not happening. SO and I want them to see what a normal, healthy couple and family should be like.