30+ When he's married to mother...

[Cami213]

Long read:
I finally had enough and decided to part ways with my SO...I truly loved him so it was hard to walk away. I'm sharing this story not only for reassurance but because it could help others.
I met him July 2016 on vacation. He lives in NY, lie in Dallas, Texas. At first we communicated regularly via phone, Skype, even letters. I would fly to see him and he would fly to see me, approximately once a month. Initially his parents lived together. They never married just lived together off and on for 40+ years. October 2016 his father retired, packed his bags and moved to Florida by himself. His mother was "devastated" see clung to my SO immediately. She would call him daily to come stay at her apartment, sit on the phone with him all night. She would get upset if he took to long coming over or did my a Blige any of her extreme request. finally saw it was a problem when I flew to NY to celebrate my 40th birthday last December and she called him constantly, asking "What are our doing?" "Why are you no answering the phone?" She went as far as scheduling a different doctors appointment everyday I was there and demanding they he take her and sit in the office with her...which he did. I spent most of that week alone in NY.
I started researching "Mother Enmeshed Sons"and became aware of what I was dealing with. So I presented this information to him because he is too the point were he is so stressed, she controls his life. His relationship with his mother affects his health, job, relationships and he feels she has no one else so he just puts up with it out of guilt. I felt like I was dating a married man. He also had become emotionally abusive towards me when he go really stressed out. I finally suggested that he seek professional counseling, he thought that was out of line. He stated, "No one will understand my situation, it won't help." He also said what kind of girlfriend am I if I won't let him vent all his frustrations about his dysfunctional family to me. I finally saw that either I stay in a relationship were I will never be #1 in his life or I not settle and leave...I chose the latter. A part of me feels like we met for me to help him with getting control of his life but is it fair to have to be your SO therapist?

I appreciate any comments❤

[differentcountries]

So, less than a year ago, his mum suffered the final break of a very long romantic relationship, to someone who is also your SOs father. And it sounds like his mum reacted to the breakup with a bit of reactional anxiety, which is not uncommon. A lot of people want someone to be by them, because they feel very alone. Possably, too, your SO feels broken up with of sorts (after all, it is his mum) and therefore feels a need to bond with her a lot. Her busy doctor appointments may or may not be a solution to her prolonged greif.

He sounds like a dutiful son. I can identify with that, because I was a very dutiful daughter for the past year when my mum got sick. I would literally hold her hand at times, she was scared and confused. And my dad was out of himself because of my mum. It is strange how seeing your own parents being very vounerable can get to you. It is like having a child of sorts. You dont want to let your own blood fix things all by themselves.

She is struggling a long time, but you may ask if they are doing something to fix it. Are the doctor appointments about checking her own for anxiety? Is she suffering from something painful to begin with (untreated pain can give anxiety symptoms)?

Rather than giving out names and diagnis, try talking to him about concretely cutting down on the times and energy he spends on her. Focus on the practicalitis, like him also taking care of his job. If his mum is stressed, maybe there are some councelling to be had for her that will take her off his hands.

For the past year, my mum was no 1. I expected loved ones to get that. I also needed others to point out to me when I went too far. It is a delicate balance. But the fear is real. Noone wants to see their own blood hurt. At the same time, there should be an end to catering to to her needs. He needs to also focus on other things in his life, which I guess he knows, but he might need some imput on how to do that without feeling that he is abandoing her.

[Sparkling72]

I remembered your post from a while back about ruining your birthday... I genuinely feel for you - but if this has been going on for months now, then you are doing the right thing by walking away. If she is that obsessive about him, then things will only get worse for all 3 of you... I say 3 b/c she isn't going anywhere. I think in one of my previous responses to you, I told you about a friend of mine who has a similar mom. she finally drove him away to the point that he will not answer her calls. He lets it go to voicemail and will text her if he decides to respond. It's a shame she is that selfish and it's a shame he can't be a man about it and tell her to back off. You deserve to be #1 - period!! Funny, my SO calls me every now and then "how's my #1 today?"

[Cami213]

Thanks for the reply...His mother is textbook Narcissistic she does not speak to any of her siblings or family. She only cares about her needs, that's why his Dad never married her...they just lived together off and on. She does not have any diagnosed medical issues except arthritis. He spend every off day at her house and calls her as soon as he leaves work and will stay on the phone until he gets there. If we're talking and she calls he'll get off the phone with me. She talks for hours about his Dad leaving. She talked him into buying het a house in Florida were the Dad is so she could be closet and impose. She told him she wants him to move down there with her. When he spent his whole vacation house shopping for her in March and I didn't see him at all...that was the last straw. Note: He doesn't even own a house. He's been in the same apartment for over 20 years😐

[Cami213]

It's funny you mentioned "being #1" He told me I can't expect for a relationship to be about me and family comes first over everything. I assumed a SO is family too.