30+ Looking for advice on LDR

[pulse_keri]

Hi,
My situation is rather complicated. I'm married with two kids but I'm also in a LDR. I met him on-line around 2 and half years ago. My husband knows we communicate but of course I don’t tell him everything. We have never met as he is in the US and I’m in Canada. Its not easy for us to meet in person due to my situation. We confessed we were in love a few months ago. I send him pictures and videos on a weekly basis. We talk about meeting but its never really been finalized. We only agreed to meet this year. I have to say I don’t know if we have is love or an addiction. The reason I ask this question is because he can very easily go from hot to cold. An example being over the weekends we can’t talk because I’m home with my family. We recently had a long weekend and I sent him pictures and videos telling him I miss him, he replies back he misses me. Then today he contacted me saying good morning and that was pretty much it and I won’t hear from him for the rest of the day. Its not that I won't hear from him, more that his tone is cold and very distant. Like he doesn't feel like talking but is saying hi because he think he needs to. This is why I question whether it is true love, because in my mind if you loved someone and couldn’t talk to them for 3 days wouldn’t you be anxious to talk on that fourth day? Instead he is cold and this happens often. I’m confused now and I don’t know what to do but this game is starting to become tiresome and it seems like just when I let go and allow myself to fall back in love he is cold again. I know it’s a cycle and its not a good sign I’m just looking for anyone who is in this situation to give me some advice.

By the way we both have agreed we won't see other people. We voice chat once a week but normally I ask when he is available for that. I can't help but think all this is just a fantasy and he really hangs around because I provide pictures and videos. If I confront him he will say he feels the same way I do. I'm confused now and I go from feeling like I'm on top of the world to this cold reply that brings me back down again.

[erwin1973]

What I really wonder, is why you would go into an LDR while still being married... and then you question him for being in love or even being faithfull? You say you're both not seeing anyone else - you're married... In my opinion, sorry if I'm blunt, you're just cheating on your husband. Also because you say you don't tell him anything.

Sorry, but no matter how bad your relationship with your husband is, I cannot approve to this, according to my values.

Just my 2 cents, but that is all I can say at the moment.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Does your LD boyfriend knows that you have a husband? You said 'we both have agreed we won't see other people'', but you're married with someone. So, you are seeing someone else (technically).

Honestly, you should either end your marriage or end this emotional cheating thing you're having if you don't want to end your marriage and know that your husband would be against it (unless you're in an open relationship, but I doubt it if you haven't told your husband about it). I think this is your first big problem.

Moreover, you don't sound very happy with your LD boyfriend. Maybe you should put your energy in fixing the relationship you have with your husband instead. I think love is a choice and you can try to work through difficulties. However, right now, you're having a relationship with a man while you're married. You have no respect for your husband if you continue to emotionally cheat on him without even breaking up. Sorry to be harsh.

For the other man, I don't really know what you should do. Obviously, it's going to be really complicated for you if you continue to live this secret life and it could break you're entire family.

[C.C.]

In my opinion, sorry if I'm blunt, you're just cheating on your husband.

It's not being blunt, it's literally the definition of cheating.

Unless the husband and wife are separated but "together for the kids" case. Even then making a commitment before breaking free of one and expecting the other to be as committed too is extremely unhealthy and unfair.

[pulse_keri]

Thank you for the advice. However I don't expect him to stay committed to me and I never said that. I recognize my situation and I know its cheating. However its hard to fathom ending it and its hard to contemplate ending my marriage over someone I've never met. Like I said my husband is aware we communicate but unfortunately not every situation is black and white.

[pulse_keri]

I appreciate your advice. I will say one thing I feel guilt all the time. Had I not fallen in love so quickly without realizing it I never would have let it get to this point. I'm aware of the ultimate loss of my marriage and my family and I'm fully aware what I'm doing is wrong and I'm playing with fire. However I've never felt this way before and the thought of ending it seems impossible and I felt this way almost immediately after we first started talking. I agree its not right and had someone told me this story 5 years ago I would have agreed with you without thinking twice.

[erwin1973]

That's only excuses you make. You don't expect him (I gues you mean your LD) to be committed? What's that for BS? Are you, then? And to whom?
It's not hard to end things when you make up your mind. Since you are seeing someone else, I am pretty sure you stopped loving your husband (because if you loved him truly (!!!) you would never been looking for someone else).

I agree that you should brake up with either of them.
Not only are you unfair to your husband and your LD, but also to yourself and, worse, to your children.

[erwin1973]

What I really wonder, is why you would go into an LDR while still being married...

You still never answered this question. Not that you have to, to me, that is... but for yourself...
Anyway, you got yourself in a nasty situation and I hope you realize you can loose everything. Children included, when your husband finds out you're cheating. Still I think you're disrespectful to everyone by doing what you're doing. I'll leave it with this, because actually it makes me angry.

[pulse_keri]

Like I said I know I'm being unfair to my husband and kids. I also understand your point and yes it makes sense. Just as a side note, what I don't agree with is how I'm being unfair to my LR. He knows I'm married and always has. I've never said I would leave my husband and I've always expected him to see other people. I don't expect him to wait for me and obviously its not fair for me to say wait around and don't see anyone else. My feelings for him are another story and that's where I think its safe to say what I was inquiring about is not being addressed so this question has been resolved.

[pulse_keri]

I can see my situation has made you angry. I was simply looking for some advice, and instead I feel like I'm being attacked. This back and forth of berating my choices and criticizing doesn't help me in any way me. I do hope you find what your looking for. I feel no hate towards you. We all make choices and those choices have consequences. You feel very strongly about choices that affect my own life and my families life. But maybe just maybe its not as 'black and white' as you seem to think it is.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I don't agree with what you're doing either, especially since it's unfair for your husband and for the man in the LD. yes, it is unfair, because he cannot even be with you and has to wait around. You've been doing that for over 2 years. You've agreed together to not "see" anyone else. You're making him wait indirectly while you know you don't want to leave your husband. This is what is unfair.

If there was something missing in your relationship and that you went elsewhere to fulfill that need, then you need to look at the root of the problem. There's obviously something missing in your marriage and you refuse to face it. Instead, you keep putting your energy on a man that you've never met while your energy could be put on your husband and your children.

This man that you met on a computer will probably be sick of waiting around one day because he will want a family too and he will want to settle without you being hidden all the time. I'm sorry to be harsh too, but this situation will end up eventually. You will either have to make the decision to leave your husband and goes for this man or he will take the decision to probably leave. You can love someone as much as you want, but when the possibility of having a future with this person does not exist, you realise that it's not worth it.

[Michelle]

I don’t want to judge. But I was just curious how much your husband knows about this man. Does he just think you’re friends? Or are you in a sort of open relationship where you can talk to other men online and your husband just doesn’t know how serious things have gotten between you and the other guy?

If this were any other long distance relationship, I would think a cold and distant boyfriend who has cold feet about meeting after 2 and a half years is generally not good and this relationship is not going to work.

[C.C.]

I don't like when people pry too much about people's personal lives when they are asking a different advice either.

However, you need to understand that the choices you made directly influence your LDR as well. I don't judge people who cheat, I agree that it's not black and white and there might be tons of reasons. But you need to understand that staying in this situation is like closing your eyes to all problems and living in a bubble that's going to pop soon.

Your guy probably knows that he won't get more than being a lover behind a husband's back and it doesn't make him too motivated. Because look, if your guy came here to ask advice, we'd all tell him to not date you until you divorce or leave your husband. Many people would tell him that in general.

Cheating has consequences and one of them is making choices. You can do it for a year, few years but not forever. You have to lean one way or another.