30+ He needs space to focus on his career... but I am not even there?

[Pilotlove]

Hello

My boyfriend and I met 4 months ago on tinder. He’s a divorced military guys who recently changed career to become a pilot. He is in his mid 30s. All the other classmates of his passed training and is just him. He is older and has been dragging for a while now. I suspect his previous relationship hindered his training a lot. Anyway so he is very bad at handling his stress, he gets very pissy and have stomach issues.

We have been very very good for the first few months, text FaceTime and call every day (met twice in person, he even met my parents but I have not met his). Suddenly overnight he has gone cold and said he needs space to focus on passing his training so he can be a real pilot. It’s been 2 weeks now And I’m devistated.

He would reply my text but very brief and blunt. Never text and we have not spoken. This week I’m supposed to go see him (he is in Vietnam I am I’m HK) but he banned the idea. I am now on “holiday” on my own in another city in Vietnam and he didn’t come see me. He knows I’m here and was angry cuz I’m here on my own and Vietnamis dangerous. But afte tthan he’s been cold again. I’ve been trying to give him space as requested but i am dying inside... I don’t know if he really needs space or would he ever come back. My gut feel tells me there is no other woman.

Please share your wise thoughts

[Rezie]

Sounds like he's just not that into you. Fair enough that he would ask space while studying such as less texting and shorter phone calls. It has only been 4 months and no school takes so much time that with proper time management you can't take have a phone call.

I'm assuming you had talked about a meet up and mutually agreed that you travel there and then he cancelled? that's just crap if he can't meet you. It's an active choise to ignore you. If he said that he can't meet you and you still got tickets...then that's on you.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I'm engaged to an airline pilot and I can understand your worry, but also his side of the story. Pilots have a LOT to learn in a short time. It is rather complicated too and lots of technical things to learn. When my SO was studying, we did not communicate much and even less when he was a few weeks before his exams. He is now a captain and this is all behind us, but it needed a lot of adjustment and understanding.

It costs a lot of money to become a pilot and each exams are very expensive. So, I can understand why he is stressed. Failing the exam would mean paying again for the test and it is a lot of money.

Just give him the space he needs and you will see if it improves after. You can try to discuss it with him too. It might help. Just say something like, "I know that your training is stressing you a lot and I can understand why. If you have some times this week, it would really be nice to phone call for a few minutes."

Hope this can help!

[Pilotlove]

Thanks little white flower. I am so glad it worked out and now you’re getting married!

It seems like he is emotionally not available, he would reply me but it’s all factual. Anything to do with emotions he is checked out and ignores.

When your fiancé was going through that, how did you feel? We’re you at all worried that he wouldn’t come back and this all exam/ stress was all an excuse? I trust him but I do wish for some attention and reinsurance.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I didn't feel the most loved when he was studying for his exams. As he would say, being a pilot is not a job, it is a career. You do it because you love it. It is something I'm still struggling to fully understand because he spends a lot of time working instead of nourishing other aspects of his life, but I'm actually glad the exams are all over because it was putting me and him a lot of stress on the shoulders. My SO was not very talkative and we would sometimes exchange only a few texts and that was it when he was studying. Our phone call occured once every two or three weeks.

I don't think i have ever thought that he used the exam as an excuse because I can understand it is very demanding to study (I myself study full time in another field). I think I've been more patient than I should have been sometimes but i kept believing in him and encouraging him even if the amount of communication did not meet my need all the time and we survived.

I think the better way to go through it would probably be to change your mind. You can text him random text throughout the day. Like "hey, hope your day is going well. I just had a nice lunch and going back to work now". Messages like that dont force him to reply and they remind him that you exist.

Try to find hobbies, do things to not obsess over the fact that you both don't talk enough, but you should make it clear with him that you'd like a bit more communication whenever he is in a good mood and talkative.

[Pilotlove]

Really helpful again- thanks so much.
This is really hard to understand this, people around me must be thinking I’m a stupid girl for letting a man do this to me. It’s so hard and I really don’t need to explain to people because they judge and it’s not a nice feeling.
But now I know it’s a common issues with pilots. I certainly do not feel loved at all but I can’t really do much about it but like you said, change my mindset and hope for the best and trust he knows what he is doing and building a future for us.

Congratulations on getting engaged and going through all that. Really happy for you!

[MorgenSter]

Hello PilotLove, how are you?

How did things work out? Did you talk to him?
I do hope things worked out well for you. I'm a flight attendant and as littlewhiteflower told you, their life is filled with studies and lack of time. They are always studying, on call, doing rechecks and we all have the crazy schedule. Me as a flight attendant and not a pilot can "check" many of these boxes also. I had one relationship end because of all this (and it wasn't even that much LDR, just a few cities here in Brazil). And I had another start and thrive (huge LDR this time around).

It depends on many factors. Dedication, yes he wants to succeed and pass his exams and prove to himself all this is worth it. You might be a little distraction to him on this moment. But... that said, wanting is a big issue also. There is space to adjust, there are few brief moments that he could reassure you how he feels and that it will be fine. Even if you have much less time together and hardly any meetings. You should be open to him (if you haven't already) and express your worries in a clear manner. Ask where you stand and try to find a middle ground with him. Assure him that you respect his time, dedication and goals. But you can be there for him, but maybe you need to know better where the relationship stands meanwhile.

Hugs to you!!!

[Pilotlove]

Thanks Morgen.

Sadly we have not spoken a word since my first post- no phone call no FaceTime. He did give me the reassurance I needed but I really just need some face time and not deal with an invisible boyfriend.

His training eta ends in June and it’s only the beginning of May..... he’s been responsive and would check on me every now and then. But the strange thing is- he said he loves me but said he doesn’t wanna be selfish, so if I meet someone better during this period he is okay with it.
Is he indirectly breaking up and just waiting for me to say it? I don’t think he is that kind of person tho.

But morgen you are right, it’s dedication and wanting to make it work too. I have spoken to him and he said he understands why I am sad, yet he is not even calling me. I only need 5 mins of his time...