30+ Is there no other choice?

[Tinkerbell007]

So I've been dating my BF for over about 15 months. We live 1000 miles away, but have managed to see each other every 2-5 weeks (depending on the time of year, work and kids). We didn't set out to start dating, it was something we decided to try because as friends, we could feel something was there. The first few months were amazing. He made me feel things no one else has before. The times we spend together were fantastic. He would text me good morning beautiful, talk to me until 1am, all sorts of things. Then, at some point it stopped. I've tried talking to him about this and at first, he seems to be responsive, but then it goes back to his old ways. I have given him outs, but he doesn't take it. My last trip up there, I told him I wasn't sure if I could do this anymore since it doesn't seem like this is what he wants and I'm getting to be this person I don't even know anymore (no sleep, no food, depressed, jealous, etc). I've never been this person, not even after or during my divorce. He assured me that he wants to continue, but has yet to make plans to come down. We used to talk about Thanksgiving and Xmas, but nothing. The couple times I've asked if he's thought about when he can come down, his answers have been no or no followed with excuses about work and how stressed he is, etc. Today he's texted me a handful of times, which isn't normal. He doesn't ask about anything to do with me, just talks about himself (which has been going on for a few months now). I remember that before we were dating, he had this babysitter who he asked that I not say anything to because he didn't want to hurt her feelings... and turns out they had hooked up at some point and she liked him... he didn't have the balls to tell her that he wasn't interested. Now I'm wondering if that is what is going on here. I guess I'm hoping that someone can give me advice or encouragement. A good friend of mine thinks he's a narcissist, which after reading up on it, it seems that could be a possibility. He was the first real relationship I've had since my divorce back in 2014/2015. My heart remembers all the amazing things it used to be, but now I'm left with only hope that I can have that with him again. I really don't want to end it, but I feel at this point, I'm only hurting myself that it can ever be more than it is now. If I am to end it, do I write him a letter or call him? Do I just tell him it's over or do I explain why? I've written my thoughts down about this (what to say and how to say it) about 4 different times. Or is there still hope? I feel completely heart broken. Thanks

[Lune]

Hi there

The situation you are in now seems pretty unpleasant, especially when you notice changes about yourself that you really don't like.
Can you probably make out the point when it started to change between you and your SO and you got a bit more distant again? I would be curious about what kind of "outs" you have given him. Is it meant as a pause to give each other space or in some other way?
Like so often I would say communication is the key. You already told him you are unsure and don't wanna go on like it is now. He said he wants to stay with you, what is positive on first impression. Still did he also say something that he noticed like your changes or the changes in your relationship in the last month?
With your next meet up plans, it still is a bit time til Christmas to plan something. I don't know his situation but maybe he really does not now with work yet and needs still a bit time til he can plan something concrete.

With him talking only about himself, did you point that out how you feel about that already or asked him if he notices? Sometimes this can differ a lot or people don't even notice til being told. I really think you should talk about your feelings and concerns because as a couple you should be able to work on it if you both want it and find solutions together so you both can be happy again And if it does not work out the way it would make you both happy you can at least stop wondering about some things and move on.

All the best

[Tinkerbell007]

Thanks for the feedback. I have been trying to figure it out. I want to say it started somewhere in March of this year. He was out of town with his son and basically flipped out on me. Ended up apologizing for his behavior and said he was under a lot of stress. I talked to him about things... saying I missed my morning messages and such. He said that just because he doesn't say things doesn't mean that he feels different about me. At one point, I thought he would break it off. Things sort of ended up back on track until May. We planned our first vacation together. He didn't even great me at the airport when I arrived. He just stayed sitting down until I picked up my luggage. I told him that weekend that he can end things and that it would be fine. Again, things changed for a week or so... Our 1 year anniversary came. I flew up there. We went to dinner with his parents, which was nice. Then the next day we went to dinner with his friends. At the bar (waiting for our table) I was on the outside, then he was sitting next to the other 2. All they talked about was his bachelor party, other parties, getting drunk, etc. I have better conversations with my dogs. That was pretty much the extent of our anniversary. And BTW, we are both 40+... so it's not like he's recently out of HS or college. In August, he came down for our first family vacation with the kids. Pretty much ignored me the whole time. I heard stories about his summer trip last year with the baby sitter... X and I did this... X and I did that... I wanted to scream. When I talked to him about needing to feel like I'm part of his life... again he's under stress and his main focus is his son. I get that... I have one too, but I have room for others that I care about. It's not that hard to just hold my hand or kiss me after the kids go to bed. It was to the point I wanted to break into his phone and see what is up. I've never been that person before. Last trip, I went up there and talked. I told him I couldn't do it. I gave him back his expensive laptop that he is letting me borrow. He told me he doesn't want it to end and he's sorry. He has a lot going on. I should take the computer home if I want to stay with him and that he would figure something out. Airport drop off was a quick hug and drove away. When he sees his friends, he gives them hugs, talks, looks happy. When he sees me, it's like, oh... she's back? So these past 2 days, I have said, how are you? Hope you have a good day. How's work. I get one word answers (or close). He had to work all night, but again, nothing. No sorry I can't talk... or I hope you have a good day. Nothing. But every time I bring it up, either he tells me he's tired of talking about the same things or he's sorry and is under a lot of stress... or he just omits the sorry part. His days usually involve him telling me how bored he is and that he is just going to golf because work doesn't need him right now. It's like my heart is still holding onto the past of how he used to be... the amazing person I fell in love with. I wish that I could just see him one last time (without kids) and talk it all out until we can't talk anymore. But as of now, he's not planning on coming down at all. Not even for Thanksgiving or Xmas. So perhaps the signs are in front of me? But then why doesn't he just accept it when I tell him we are over? Really want to cry,.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I will say from the outset that I am by no means an expert on anything whatsoever.

From what you have said though, it sounds to me like something is going on with him. It could be any number of things, but it seems like there is something.

I feel it was pretty insensitive for him to talk about when he and the babysitter did X last year in front of you like that. Why did he say that? Was it necessary? I understand that people do things like that sometimes, but still. Have you told him that that bothered you? For me, I tend to have to just come right out with it, otherwise my SO doesn't know. He can't read my mind (although I plan to train him).
In terms of him acting differently around friends, I think that is fairly common. I don't act the same with my SO as I do with my daughter, or as I do with my counsellor, or at a meeting etc. You wear different 'hats', so to speak for different things in different situations. He may feel awkward showing you affection in front of his friends or family. Maybe he doesn't want them to feel awkward?

You definitely need to talk this all out though, just the two of you. You both need to be fully honest and open with each other to try and solve this. Good luck.

[Apricot Bottomburp]

Apart from the babysitter part this could be my relationship. Fine in the start, now cold and distant. But of course he’s going through stuff and when I talk to other people about it I feel like I’m making excuses for him. Everyday I say I can’t do this anymore but I don’t have the strength to break up with him.