30+ When to have 'the talk'

[Jocky]

Hi everyone, first post here so apologies if any of these questions are silly or naive!

My BF and i are in the very early stages of a LDR, we are only just at the 1 month mark! so very early days. (met online).

I am going to be honest i am struggling greatly and often find myself reading numerous articles on long distance relationships to try help me cope and ultimately question if we are doing the right thing. LDR's are so daunting and scary!

One of the main things that crops up a lot in articles and advice videos on youtube is that you and your partner should discuss early on in the relationship an end date for when the relationship progresses (ie one or both of you moves to be closer to the other) or you have some kind of plan in place so you know that the long distance part is temporary.

My question is...exactly when is an appropriate time frame to have this talk???
Most advice given say you should discuss this early on in the relationship so that you are both in agreement and know that you both want the same things.

It just feels like a catch 22 situation as i would really like to discuss this with my BF now whilst we are still in the very early stages and not 6 months down the line where there will be more heartache if it turns out we want different things...HOWEVER i worry that at only the 1 month stage i am asking to know too much too soon from him, we are still getting to know each other so asking about future plans seems almost crazy!

What advice would you all give? Should we discuss this now or wait a bit? We have been together 1 month, met for the first time last weekend and i am due to visit him at the end of October. Should i broach the subject then when i visit him? I am just trying to figure out how to go about this without jeopardising the relationship with being needy or pushy.

Any and all advice greatly appreciated from you all!

[Redheart14]

Hi and welcome.
Setting an ‘end date’ makes sense and is something I had to discuss with my now husband. I was in the same boat as you, we were exclusive and had met for the first time a few months prior. After our second visit I waited to see how he was feeling before we had that conversation. If he hadn’t enjoyed the visit I wouldn’t have brought it up, but thankfully he did and we decided to keep our relationship going with the ultimate goal of being together.

I’d say see how this visit goes and give yourselves some time after the visit before you decide to have that talk.

[2Rocky]

Clarify please if you have met in person yet?

Because really today with frequent flyer programs and points for travel for credit cards, long distance couples have more economical ways to see each other than ever before.

I think we had the talk about when we would close the distance about 6 months in after 4 or 5 "dates" (trips together). She mentioned she wanted to move to my area early on in our conversations. So it made me seriously consider the long term relationship option. Until there is an end date, then it is just some good times together when you can get together. There is nothing wrong with "When we are together in PERSON we are TOGETHER" just so both people know what the level of exclusivity is or isn't.

If ML had not considered moving my way or didn't have plans to, we would not have been exclusive. She has spent two long periods living with me in 2 years. One 28 days and the next summer 67 days. So I'd say we know what to expect. Thus we have set a date of July 2019 for closing the distance.

[snow]

I think I was definitely the exception but I talked to my now husband before we even started dating about my expectations for this relationship. I told him that I want to get married in the future and have children. I also told him that moving to be with him was an option I would definitely consider as it was far easier for me to live in the US knowing the language than for him as he only knows English and it'd be difficult for him.

I don't think it's too early right now, but I would keep this thought in your head and bring it up when the moment feels right.
However, before you have this talk, look into your options and your feelings. How do you feel about moving, is that something you would consider? How long are you willing to wait, is there an end date necessary? Could you do long distance for a long time? Are there job options where he lives, would he be able to find a job here? How deep are your roots to your place, are you comfortable with leaving? Is moving back and forth an option?

[Jocky]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to read and post such great advice!

Unfortunately after he came up to visit me last weekend (our first ever meet up) he returned home and gradually began lessening the amount of communication over the course of the last week. To the extent that after i questioned him on what was wrong he pretty much ignored my message and i have not heard from him since.

I am guessing the visit forced him to truly see me as the 'real me' and not the idealised fantasy version in his head, plus the true reality of going through what a long distance relationship entails.

I am massively gutted as i felt such a strong connection to this man, however i am also thankful that we met up when we did and only really wasted (i don't know if that is the right word to use?) 1 month of our lives.

So once again i thank you all for taking the time to respond to my question, i wish you (and your partners) all the best and good luck for the future.

Jocky x

[Redheart14]

Oh I’m so sorry

[Rezie]

I'm sorry this happened. But it is good that you met early on. Meeting in person is so different to talking online and realities of LDR are sometimes different than the thought. Good luck!

[2Rocky]

I'm sorry this happened. But it is good that you met early on. Meeting in person is so different to talking online and realities of LDR are sometimes different than the thought. Good luck!

^ this is the truth...

Over time you will get over it feeling like a waste, and start feeling like there were certain feelings along the way that now explain certain behaviors. It happens in in-person relationships as well.

[gtxtim]

I’m going through the same thing. I know in my mind and heart that in time I will feel better and not be so confused.
Keep up the faith