30+ First Time Meeting - Mixed Feelings

[kate04]

Hi

So after nearly a year of being in an LDR with my guy, we are meeting very soon.

This isn't happening as I expected it. In my head, I thought we'd meet in a 'neutral' city and spend a weekend etc etc. In reality, things have happened and it's difficult for him to get away.

So I'm going to his city. He's arranging a lovely hotel etc and is very excited. We'll be able to spend a lot of time together but it's doubtful whether (for many reasons) he'll be able to spend a full night with me. This is good on one hand, in case there's no connection in real life!

However, part of me feels a little cross that I've had to push it to meet. If I'd have left it to him, I'd have been waiting for ever. I just needed to do it so I'd know one way or the other. Drifting doesn't do it for me.

I really don't want this to spoil our time. We are really honest with each other and I'm going to tell him all this when we speak later today and I hate the bubble of resentment that I feel.

Part of me wants to cancel and just tell him to forget the whole thing! But since he's the best thing that happened to me, that would be counter productive! I'm worried I'll get there and start silly rows (I know what I'm like!)

This sounds pathetic! I want to be with him so much but now I feel like I'm pushing him away. I wonder if it's self protection in case he doesn't like me?

Is it normal or am I crazy?!

[vivid_idea]

Hi Kate

Why is it difficult for him to get away? What do you feel resentful about? I like hearing your updates because often things you say remind me of what I have experienced, too.

I know that, in my case, I was unable to get away for us to meet. Basically there was no way I was going there for a first meeting. It’s not because I was uncomfortable or felt it was his “duty” as the man to come to me. But it was because of my kids and I couldn’t imagine being so far away from them with something that was so uncertain. He never once pressured me and we both knew that he would have to fly here, no debate. And, he did!

In return, I organised a few different places for us to stay in, a car, outings etc. So I feel that we both put in effort. If he has taken it upon himself to organise some hotels and basically be a wonderful host then that is great! Give him the opportunity to make the trip amazing for you both, before you start getting resentful. If you can!

I understand it is easy to get resentful because sometimes the balance can seem so off in terms of how much effort is required. It seems like a much bigger effort to fly out I guess. Give him the chance to show you how much he appreciates it!

Oh and, if you are anything like how me and my SO were when we were together, you are not going to want to miss out on any nights together! Why might you not be able to spend any nights together? What’s the situation? You are right that it might be better that way, depending on how fast you both move and how comfortable you feel.

Please reach out if you want someone to talk to *hugs*

[vivid_idea]

And you don’t sound pathetic at all! It’s normal to be feeling pretty anxious and irritable and unsettled. It’s a nerve wracking thing to do. But you can do it and it is very likely that whatever connection you feel through the distance, will translate very well irl. It’s a bit like having everything you already have, plus the icing on top lol.

Enjoy the ride! It’s a magical experience, and a romantic story to remember for the rest of your life! Live it up, babe, and enjoy the holiday!!!

[kate04]

His family situation is complicated.
He has his kids and his job is really full on.
He also doesn’t have a valid passport and it’s easier for me to go there. I have no qualms. It’s a few days and my kids and I all need the break.
They will be well looked after and at school anyway.
He makes so much effort in communication and making things lovely, but meeting up? Could do better. I’m afraid he may be one of these people that is the nice guy saying yes to everything but drifts and hopes decisions will be made for him. We have had many conversations about this.
He has loads of plans for us and has written a schedule of stuff we can do and I’m looking forward to it,
Feeling meh today and I’m so afraid I guess that I’m going to be disappointed.
Probably overthinking...
Thank you for replying x

[vivid_idea]

I can tell that you are feeling pretty stressed about it. Can I ask some questions? You may have told me before but I can’t remember.

How old are his kids and your kids? Will you be meeting his kids when you visit? What have you organised with your kids? Do they know what you are doing? How long will you be gone for? He is in America, is that right? How long is the flight?

Like I said before, it’s normal to feel scared and apprehensive. After a year of “fantasising” about someone, it can make the pressure seem unbearable. I met my SO after 11 months and I had some of these feelings. The way I coped with it was that I truly had no romantic expectations. I hardly ever allowed myself to imagine he would become my bf. But I knew for sure that he was a nice and mature adult and I knew that we would be able to enjoy some company together, even if there was no spark. I also knew that we had to “see it through” and that, no matter what, it would be our own unique story that we would always share. I think these trains of thought gave me comfort and kept me connected with him in the only stable way I knew how. It kept me aware that I was getting something out of it, no matter what.

When you worry that he is a bit inactive agh you sound like my SO. When he is frustrated he will say things like, “You expect it all to be easy and sometimes I feel that you don’t make changes to fight for me/us”. It makes me feel badly because I struggle with making changes and I know that comes across to him like I am inactive. I guess it’s complicated :/ What does your man worry about? Why do you think he “drifts”?

Are the flights booked? What are your travel dates? Time to land at the bottom of the rabbit hole...

[kate04]

I’ve just spoken to him and feel heaps better.
My kids are 8 and 11. His are 11 and 15. It’s an 8 hr flight and they think I’m off on a break to see a friend. I’ll be gone for 4.5 days. I won’t be meeting his kids. It’ll just be us. My kids will be looked after by their dad and they will all love it. I’m hoping they’ll appreciate me a bit when I return.
I think he drifts because in my view he thinks about things too deeply and wants everything and everybody to be ok .., I am the opposite in that I can be impulsive. He’s led an almost charmed, privileged life, whereas I’ve always had to fight and I know life is short so seize the day! I think that’s where the conflict in my head comes from.
After having just spoken to him though.. oh, it was such a good conversation. He loves my honesty and I love his consistency. There’s no game playing, he makes me feel valued and takes me seriously and most of all he gets me. I told him how frustrated I was and he absolutely got that.
Thank you so much for your support.
I feel way better! You’ve helped so much.
I hope everything is ok with you xx

[autumn1790]

If it helps at all, I remember the last few couple months leading up to our first visit were so high stress that we argued about ridiculous little things and I also thought about cancelling. There's a lot of nerves and unmet expectations, but unless there's really something that's a hard stop, try to sit back and enjoy the ride Best wishes!

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I’ve just spoken to him and feel heaps better.
My kids are 8 and 11. His are 11 and 15. It’s an 8 hr flight and they think I’m off on a break to see a friend. I’ll be gone for 4.5 days. I won’t be meeting his kids. It’ll just be us. My kids will be looked after by their dad and they will all love it. I’m hoping they’ll appreciate me a bit when I return.
I think he drifts because in my view he thinks about things too deeply and wants everything and everybody to be ok .., I am the opposite in that I can be impulsive. He’s led an almost charmed, privileged life, whereas I’ve always had to fight and I know life is short so seize the day! I think that’s where the conflict in my head comes from.
After having just spoken to him though.. oh, it was such a good conversation. He loves my honesty and I love his consistency. There’s no game playing, he makes me feel valued and takes me seriously and most of all he gets me. I told him how frustrated I was and he absolutely got that.
Thank you so much for your support.
I feel way better! You’ve helped so much.
I hope everything is ok with you xx

I think perhaps our guys studied at the same university of uncertainty.
My guy is so busy worrying about getting something wrong, and over thinking that he never achieves much. I'm like you, as I'm more impulsive. I also have strong intuition, which he doesn't. I wanted to visit for our first Christmas at 6 months, but he felt it was too soon. But by the time it came around, I think he realised I had been right.
He said to me once "I hope I've never been too assertive." I couldn't help but laugh . He's never asked me for anything or initiated anything to date!

[kate04]

I think perhaps our guys studied at the same university of uncertainty.
My guy is so busy worrying about getting something wrong, and over thinking that he never achieves much. I'm like you, as I'm more impulsive. I also have strong intuition, which he doesn't. I wanted to visit for our first Christmas at 6 months, but he felt it was too soon. But by the time it came around, I think he realised I had been right.
He said to me once "I hope I've never been too assertive." I couldn't help but laugh . He's never asked me for anything or initiated anything to date!

Glad it's not just me!!!

I absolutely can't wait to see him and having talked to him (assertively) about all my feelings, I feel great now. Aware this can change quickly!! But I'm trying to enjoy the build up. Thank you xxx

[vivid_idea]

What date are you flying?!?