30+ Long distance not-quite relationship because I'm married (complicated)

[socomplicated]

I'm posting here to get some things off my chest, and I'm trying to figure out what to do from here.

I got married young and I'm now in my late 30s. We're roommates at best. We haven't been physical in almost a decade. He doesn't work or really do much around the house at all, I do, and that's stressful. But until COVID we'd been coasting.

I have a long-term friend who was for a long time genuinely just a friend, and who is now going through a messy divorce and moving away. COVID lockdowns created tensions in my marriage, and my husband became, while not overtly controlling certainly passive-aggressive and manipulative about me doing things/going places even when lockdown eased.

COVID actually helped us financially (no commute, fewer outgoings, more time to earn), and my husband started saying "get credit cards, build a credit rating, we can buy a house". Then I realized... I don't want to buy a house with him, because I can't count on him for support and I don't want to shoulder that burden alone. I'm not attracted to him any more (haven't been for a long time), and I'm on edge all the time when I want to pursue my hobbies. I'm glad when he goes out to do his own things.

It hit me that I could see a future with that friend. I'd never looked at him like that. We didn't spend that much time together before COVID really even though we've known each other a long time, so we weren't in an emotional affair or anything, but him moving away made me think of things in a different way.

For some stupid reason I confessed my feelings to him. He said he's still healing from his divorce, that he's hurting right now and that he isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet, but that he could see a future with me one day.

He has a custody battle for his child. I'm worried about rocking the boat in my relationship because it's a nasty battle and his ex and my husband know each other and could conspire to make it even nastier.

Now I don't know what to do. I know that if I leave my husband now he'd really struggle. He has no income and is essentially unemployable. His social network is tiny. I don't love him any more but I don't hate him. We have some priority debts I'm paying off right now.

I know I've crossed a line and I feel bad for doing it. I'm planning on getting my finances together over the next year or so, sorting things out so that he won't be left in the lurch in practical terms but I don't know what else to do and I don't know how to address this from an emotional perspective. It will break his heart, and I don't want to do that but I can't stay here, I'm anxious and grumpy and tense all the time at home because I don't want to be here.

I told my friend this, and he gets it.

But I'm worried...firstly, while we haven't crossed the line into a physical affair (or even sexting or flirty messages), I crossed a line by saying what I did and I worry about what the foundation of the relationship would be like.

Secondly, we've both agreed to "stay in touch and see how things go over the next couple of years", but how do you do that? We're not officially in a relationship yet, he's focused on the divorce, I'm focused on preparing financially to live alone and also not lump my husband with a load of debt, and to just generally tidy up my life. But I know what I want and I'm going to be constantly scared that he'll be ready for someone else and find that someone else where he is now. How can I be so insecure about someone that I'm not officially with yet. How do you end a relationship that has been essentially roommates for a decade, where one person checked out long before the other?

I'm confused, feel guilty and don't know what to do.

[Melly Mel]

I know it’s easier said than done but he is no longer your responsibility. In reality, just the debt is your responsibility. There is no other attachment you should be allowing yourself to think about. In order for you to move on officially, you have to move, physically move on. That means move out, get your own place, and realize that he is a grown adult and needs to be responsible for himself. Once you do that, you can show yourself that you are ready for the world.
About the partner you yearn for, he has to heal. There’s no telling how long that could be. But forcing it is not good. It will only create resentment on you. Best thing is to see your happiness all the way through. The plans of you to move out needs to happen now. Then rid of your debt and begin your life, your life that belongs to you. Your unofficial and partner you want to be with is not ready. Take it as giving him some space and see that he is not 100% interested in pursuing “us” right now. There’s no telling if he ever will be. In the meantime, if you’re strong enough remain friends and don’t cross that boundary, but it sounds like you’re ready to date so so just that. Date. Socialize. Be happy. You deserve to be happy and there should be no cost of guilt that you should mind for doing it. Like I said, its easier said than done. Never know. You might be happy after all is said and done when you find your own place. And don’t worry, your ex will live. He was fine before you and he will be fine after you and do will you. It’s time to let go. And begin your life.

[socomplicated]

I know it’s easier said than done but he is no longer your responsibility. In reality, just the debt is your responsibility. There is no other attachment you should be allowing yourself to think about. In order for you to move on officially, you have to move, physically move on. That means move out, get your own place, and realize that he is a grown adult and needs to be responsible for himself. Once you do that, you can show yourself that you are ready for the world.
About the partner you yearn for, he has to heal. There’s no telling how long that could be. But forcing it is not good. It will only create resentment on you. Best thing is to see your happiness all the way through. The plans of you to move out needs to happen now. Then rid of your debt and begin your life, your life that belongs to you. Your unofficial and partner you want to be with is not ready. Take it as giving him some space and see that he is not 100% interested in pursuing “us” right now. There’s no telling if he ever will be. In the meantime, if you’re strong enough remain friends and don’t cross that boundary, but it sounds like you’re ready to date so so just that. Date. Socialize. Be happy. You deserve to be happy and there should be no cost of guilt that you should mind for doing it. Like I said, its easier said than done. Never know. You might be happy after all is said and done when you find your own place. And don’t worry, your ex will live. He was fine before you and he will be fine after you and do will you. It’s time to let go. And begin your life.

Thanks. You're definitely talking sense.

I'll need to save to be able to get my own place. At the moment servicing the debts is eating everything, my credit record isn't great, which means landlords want a large deposit. I can start putting money to one side for that. Coincidentally by the time I have a big enough deposit, I think the worst stuff on my credit file will be sorted so it would just be a buffer for moving. There's still the question of the emotional side of this though, I'm not sure how to say what needs to be said, but there's time for that.

I worked out a budget today so I'll just have to keep my head down and stick to it.

I don't think casual dating (of other people) really interests me at this stage but building a social life again after COVID is definitely a good idea.

I'm respecting that boundary. Or trying to. It's hard because I know he needs time and space. We still talk about the couple of subjects we always used to talk about, and he's definitely not made it weird on his side, so I'm trying not to do the same. His ex was needy, jealous, and demanding and I really don't want to end up acting in the same way out of irrational fear. He wants normality in his life and I want to be that normal person for now.

[Melly Mel]

It sounds like a beautiful plan. You say you’re in debt. Are the debts recent and not in collections? Just something I learned, if it’s in collections your score won’t change even if you pay it off. It’s something they never tell you. Yes, apartments are a huge inconvenience as they want deposit, and first months and last months. Perhaps try and pick up more shifts or a second job for the time being until you get your own place. You immediately looked at your budget and that tells me you’re more than ready. It sounds like you really want this and you’re right. You deserve it.
As for the guy. You told him the truth and so did he. There is nothing more to say. From his point of view, he’s still not over the pain and his ex. A lot of drama and emotional stress, even from a now ex can still cause pain and whys. Its hard because you want to wait for him, but you have no idea if there will ever be that time. All I can say is to live. Live your life and if you find someone then by all means, live your life. Don’t wait for him. You’ll be going blue so don’t hold your breath. Like you said, just live your life, enjoy it, make new friends, find new hobbies and interests, and find what makes you happy. Nothing but good vibes

[xxcazaxx]

This gentleman needs time to heal and focus on his divorce and you might find that you need to do the same too. Feel its important to refind who you are as a person after such a change in life circumstances rather than jumping from one relationship right into another.