This is a complex one, but i'll try to go in to as much detail as possible.
Me(33) and my ex-girlfriend(31) dated for about a year, i had a lot of stressors in my life. I was overloaded with work, financial troubles and i've always had problems showing my feelings.
She lived 2 hours away so she usually stayed a long time when she visited(weeks), the last time she left i had been very frustrated over work and financial problems, stress and i hate to admit i took some of it out on her(not in a physical way, but by me being annoyed at her when she's done nothing wrong).
This is now roughly 1.5 years ago, we were still talking but i kept getting more distant because i just could not handle all the stress when we also started fighting over me being distant. We never actually said that we're breaking up, it just kinda got colder and colder between us over a few weeks and eventually we just talked as friends.
A few months after, a close relative of hers died and it affected her a lot. She's had anxiety problems before and has social anxiety. After that she was saying she's thinking about death a lot and has really dark thoughts(not about suicide) that she cant get away from. Shortly after that, she discovered that she had cancer.
During all this she was texting with me, we've texted almost daily ever since she left. I always tried to show as much support as possible and told her she can text or call me whenever she needs any support or just wants to talk. She never called and whenever i've asked if she wants to call she's said she's afraid it'll give her more anxiety and she needs to protect herself.
She's thanked me for this support several times.
She had surgery for the cancer and is now cured, since a few months ago. Now look, i know i'm the bad guy here in all this. I know i pushed her away and i know quite frankly was an huge idiot and i wish i could go back in time and smack some sense in to myself.
But this brings us to this. She was very deep in to me and wanted to tell me she loved me, she's said so. I just couldn't do it, i also have some emotional issues and was too afraid to tell her that i loved her. I've worked on myself a lot the past year, i've really gone in depth and learned to deal with my own frustrations in a healthier way and to be more emotionally open. I continue to work on this cause i know i can do even better. I'm really putting an effort in at being a better person in general.
I've never wanted us to break up, cause i sincerely love this woman. But i don't know what to do, in reality i know i probably dont deserve a second chance, but i cant help wanting one to prove to her that i can be better and that we can be happy together.
Like i said, we text almost daily. About 10 days ago i sent her a letter telling her that i love her and how i've worked on myself and know how badly i screwed up and also told her how strong i think she is for pulling through her last year which has been hard. I've told her i wish i could earn her trust back by showing her my change to the better and that i'll never break that trust again.
However, she only replies to me at day time and really slow, sometimes invested, sometimes very aloof, but i know she's up late nights, i can see her online. No, she's not dating anyone, her current living situation would make that almost impossible and i think she'd actually tell me.
She says she really cares about me and she says she really enjoys talking to me. After i sent the letter she said she doesn't know what she wants right now. I've tried a few times to get her on a call with me but she's said its "difficult" for her right now or that she needs to protect herself.
I feel like im running in circles when it's only texting and not any deeper text conversations, i really want her to get on a call with me but i dont want to pressure or force her in to it. But right now it just feels like she's keeping me a distance away, which contradicts what she's said for a long time, that she really enjoys talking to me. She's said she's having a hard time trusting me and that she's afraid to get hurt again.
What do i do here? I'm probably missing a lot of details here, but it's already a long post. I appreciate any advice.
Me(33) and my ex-girlfriend(31) dated for about a year, i had a lot of stressors in my life. I was overloaded with work, financial troubles and i've always had problems showing my feelings.
She lived 2 hours away so she usually stayed a long time when she visited(weeks), the last time she left i had been very frustrated over work and financial problems, stress and i hate to admit i took some of it out on her(not in a physical way, but by me being annoyed at her when she's done nothing wrong).
This is now roughly 1.5 years ago, we were still talking but i kept getting more distant because i just could not handle all the stress when we also started fighting over me being distant. We never actually said that we're breaking up, it just kinda got colder and colder between us over a few weeks and eventually we just talked as friends.
A few months after, a close relative of hers died and it affected her a lot. She's had anxiety problems before and has social anxiety. After that she was saying she's thinking about death a lot and has really dark thoughts(not about suicide) that she cant get away from. Shortly after that, she discovered that she had cancer.
During all this she was texting with me, we've texted almost daily ever since she left. I always tried to show as much support as possible and told her she can text or call me whenever she needs any support or just wants to talk. She never called and whenever i've asked if she wants to call she's said she's afraid it'll give her more anxiety and she needs to protect herself.
She's thanked me for this support several times.
She had surgery for the cancer and is now cured, since a few months ago. Now look, i know i'm the bad guy here in all this. I know i pushed her away and i know quite frankly was an huge idiot and i wish i could go back in time and smack some sense in to myself.
But this brings us to this. She was very deep in to me and wanted to tell me she loved me, she's said so. I just couldn't do it, i also have some emotional issues and was too afraid to tell her that i loved her. I've worked on myself a lot the past year, i've really gone in depth and learned to deal with my own frustrations in a healthier way and to be more emotionally open. I continue to work on this cause i know i can do even better. I'm really putting an effort in at being a better person in general.
I've never wanted us to break up, cause i sincerely love this woman. But i don't know what to do, in reality i know i probably dont deserve a second chance, but i cant help wanting one to prove to her that i can be better and that we can be happy together.
Like i said, we text almost daily. About 10 days ago i sent her a letter telling her that i love her and how i've worked on myself and know how badly i screwed up and also told her how strong i think she is for pulling through her last year which has been hard. I've told her i wish i could earn her trust back by showing her my change to the better and that i'll never break that trust again.
However, she only replies to me at day time and really slow, sometimes invested, sometimes very aloof, but i know she's up late nights, i can see her online. No, she's not dating anyone, her current living situation would make that almost impossible and i think she'd actually tell me.
She says she really cares about me and she says she really enjoys talking to me. After i sent the letter she said she doesn't know what she wants right now. I've tried a few times to get her on a call with me but she's said its "difficult" for her right now or that she needs to protect herself.
I feel like im running in circles when it's only texting and not any deeper text conversations, i really want her to get on a call with me but i dont want to pressure or force her in to it. But right now it just feels like she's keeping me a distance away, which contradicts what she's said for a long time, that she really enjoys talking to me. She's said she's having a hard time trusting me and that she's afraid to get hurt again.
What do i do here? I'm probably missing a lot of details here, but it's already a long post. I appreciate any advice.
Comment