Hello, I am new here and just looking for a place to discuss my issues with people. I am looking for some insight.
I am 31 my husband turns 31 in a few weeks. We met on 9 years ago and stayed platonic friends up until the summer of 2019 late July. At the time I moved to Arkansas to get ready to join the military after my dad passed. A few days after my arrival he said he was moving from FL to an hour north of me for a job. During our first few months, we did have a few issues.
back story
Prior to dating me, he had a fling, and prior to that, he dated a woman he fell in love with. The girl he fell in love with come to find out was a liar. Okay, so long story short gets his heart broken gets fling, etc. All this time (we are friends) and he confided in me during this rough patch. So, months after this we are dating.
These two women from my knowledge are no longer in his life.
One time, about 1-2 months into dating after coitus (like maybe our 3-4th time) he reached over for his phone and when he opened it I saw bumble as a recent app being used. I had been there since about 2 PM we cooked had a few cups of bourbon and a couple of beers. I was immediately on the defense because though I didn't know at the moment that bumble could be used to find friends ( i found out later that night one of his closest friends he met on that app) I couldn't believe during our time together he even made time to chat with someone else. At first I thought it was a dating app and he explained as I drunkenly tried to pack my things that it wasn't. So, I stayed and tried to let it go. I do find out that he did have a lunch date with a female recently to "make friends" because he was new to the area. However, I never was told this was happening and was unaware of it all. Keep in mind before we started dating we were friends and he had called me on numerous occasions when life was rough and we stayed in contact through social media. He even discussed with me about girls he slept with. I felt betrayed as a friend and as a girl he was dating. It felt as if the moment he slept with me my friendship dissolved a little.
A few weeks after this we are sitting in bed it's about 7-8 AM he is showing me a video on his phone and gets a snap from an ex-girl he was in love with. Okay, I obviously go on defense a bit. He explains that she is suicidal and he is just comforting her. Whatever was a red flag to me but overall I stayed.
A few days or a week later similar situation occurs and it's the girl he had the fling with. I again go on defense and he explains that she is having a problem with her current boyfriend and he is writing replies for her to send to him. Additionally, she was apparently raped and somehow played a role in their remained kinship.
Okay, I take that reasoning and again stay.
With all the hiccups of this and his lack of drive to get up and walk our dogs together, go hiking with me, make me a cup of coffee out of love, and lack of communication. I tell him that when I head off to basic training I am okay with breaking up and revisiting our feelings afterward. He insists he loves me and he stays with me.
Awesome! so during all of training and covid we manage our relationship through letters in basic and through calls and social media once I get to my MOS training and have access to my phone.
From Feb11-Dec19 of 2020, we do not see one another. During that time he went on a hike with a girl who used to give him horse lessons. This hike is a hike he only went on with me like twice and I went often. He doesn't tell me he went hiking with her. I instead find out afterward from her social media (yes I looked her up). I know that I have become a bit jealous and have been looking into the women he is close to because A I am away and B I clearly have some trust issues due to distance and the fact he never really likes to talk to me on the phone. So he tells me that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset.
I might have who knows but I know I was more upset with him not telling me. So, now every time he is with this girl I get jealous even more.
Moving on, so we get through the chaos of covid and MOS training. The fling girl from the year prior I notice he likes every photo she posts on FB and IG and tells me they have remained good friends. Okay, I do make sly comments and am very jealous and I know I am wrong for that. I take leave in DEC we get into an argument while drinking over the girls I am worried about. He breaks up with me and then we make up same dayish.
Okay, then I graduate MOS training. We decide that we should get married. We do a courthouse marriage. I have orders to Korea for a year. We spend a few hours a weekend visiting (that is all I am allowed) and get to enjoy seeing each other for about 4 - 5 weekends before I ship off. During those visits, he was late a lot because he didn't hear his alarm. (staying in a hotel off-post driving in the night before) KEEP IN MIND WE HARDLY SEE ONE ANOTHER.
I leave in March of 2021. Okay, we have what I call communication issues. I talk a lot and am energetic and passionate about him not so much. He is a bit of a nerd and pretty selfish at the same time.
I noticed more and more his online presence with the fling girl and straight-up asked him one night last summer when was the last time he saw a fling girl. As far as I am concerned he hasn't seen her since before we started dating. He says oh um January I think. I am appalled because he took her to the range with him and says it was with another buddy and I knew nothing of it. Look, I know I was dramatic with the first girl and I take that responsibility. I can only chalk to being in Bootcamp for 10 weeks and not getting to see him because of restrictions of covid and he is with some other chick not telling me about it.
Now I am FLOORED because he is hanging out behind my back with a girl he used to FUCK for fun and not telling me about it.
Okay, that causes its own setup drama for a few months. I asked him to send me a screenshot of their texting and he did. When I found out I told him I would send her a message and ask what the dynamic was of their relationship to get the truth because I felt betrayed. It was a bluff but I did say it. When I see the screenshot part of their conversation was him telling her and confiding to her about me asking information about that day. "
him: My wife might message you about hanging out"
her "oh no"
him "yeah shit is cray".
her " ITS COOL ILL LAY LOW".
Still to this day, it irks me why he she willing to lay low? She is very beautiful and I certainly feel like I don't compete. she is 22 blonde hair blue eyes FL girl.
Okay well, they remain friends, and whatever I am dramatic for a bit. I eventually accept the friendship.
Middle of SEPT 2021 I am getting ready to take 30 days of leave to go see family and him.
We are on the phone and I ask how is Bailey he said good she is dating new guy yada yada. I'm like oh cool.
I get home and we are in an Airbnb in KY for part of our trip to bourbon tours. We get into a conversation I ultimately ask his passcode to phone. He goes pee and I look for bailey's contact. Low and behold it is deleted.
So, I ask him why. He said that he chose me over her. I am so confused. I thought she had become an important friend??
I continue to say that doesn't make since you just told me less than 2 weeks ago she was good and got a bf blah blah.
(we had a few drinks) when i say a few i literally mean sips of bourbon from our buys, not belligerent we don't do that.
He gets so idk my opinion, forced into a corner he can't dig himself out of with lies, he takes his ring off and says I am too emotional.
Well as you can guess we get over it and move on. It did take me coming back to Korea for me to call him and discuss my feelings over it all and tell him I felt we had an expiration date due to his ring removal and response to the situation.
Here we are I have been back in Korea since Nov 2nd and we have still had numerous tensions. I would say mostly on my part.
He hasn't worked since August and no I am no supporting him. He is still living with his parents since November of 2020. He has saved so he hasn't needed any financial stability and we have been saving for a house upon my return.
Okay so he doesn't work, has several hobbies, 5 social media accounts, WhatsApp, signal, a photography page and spends butt loads amount of time online. Yet, he never makes time to respond to me about anything serious. He ignores my questions on a daily basis. Can you send me W-2s and he will send me a video of the dog. Sometimes it is small talk sometimes it is serious planning it doesn't matter he rarely answers it. I have to send it multiple times. Then there is everyone else who comes first. He answers the phone around me when his friends call but can't answer my calls around his friends. He lies to me about little stuff and just overall doesn't seem to care.
He doesn't work.
He was late sending me any package. He makes time for all his buddies, going to the range, stopping at favorite shops. ETC
I have asked him on multiple occasions to just be straight up with me. I obviously can't leave until he draws the line in the sand. I am committed and dedicated. He says I am annoying, dramatic, emotional, etc. I genuinely try to communicate with him. I don't get dick pics or romantic or dirty talk. I don't get hi good morning ILY on a regular basis. In fact, he has never said good morning beautiful. I don't get any level of love or reassurance, compliments, or even fuck you(s). I don't know what to do. I go home in 51 days. I am nervous. We are about to move in together and go from all this to just being up each other's butts.
I am 31 my husband turns 31 in a few weeks. We met on 9 years ago and stayed platonic friends up until the summer of 2019 late July. At the time I moved to Arkansas to get ready to join the military after my dad passed. A few days after my arrival he said he was moving from FL to an hour north of me for a job. During our first few months, we did have a few issues.
back story
Prior to dating me, he had a fling, and prior to that, he dated a woman he fell in love with. The girl he fell in love with come to find out was a liar. Okay, so long story short gets his heart broken gets fling, etc. All this time (we are friends) and he confided in me during this rough patch. So, months after this we are dating.
These two women from my knowledge are no longer in his life.
One time, about 1-2 months into dating after coitus (like maybe our 3-4th time) he reached over for his phone and when he opened it I saw bumble as a recent app being used. I had been there since about 2 PM we cooked had a few cups of bourbon and a couple of beers. I was immediately on the defense because though I didn't know at the moment that bumble could be used to find friends ( i found out later that night one of his closest friends he met on that app) I couldn't believe during our time together he even made time to chat with someone else. At first I thought it was a dating app and he explained as I drunkenly tried to pack my things that it wasn't. So, I stayed and tried to let it go. I do find out that he did have a lunch date with a female recently to "make friends" because he was new to the area. However, I never was told this was happening and was unaware of it all. Keep in mind before we started dating we were friends and he had called me on numerous occasions when life was rough and we stayed in contact through social media. He even discussed with me about girls he slept with. I felt betrayed as a friend and as a girl he was dating. It felt as if the moment he slept with me my friendship dissolved a little.
A few weeks after this we are sitting in bed it's about 7-8 AM he is showing me a video on his phone and gets a snap from an ex-girl he was in love with. Okay, I obviously go on defense a bit. He explains that she is suicidal and he is just comforting her. Whatever was a red flag to me but overall I stayed.
A few days or a week later similar situation occurs and it's the girl he had the fling with. I again go on defense and he explains that she is having a problem with her current boyfriend and he is writing replies for her to send to him. Additionally, she was apparently raped and somehow played a role in their remained kinship.
Okay, I take that reasoning and again stay.
With all the hiccups of this and his lack of drive to get up and walk our dogs together, go hiking with me, make me a cup of coffee out of love, and lack of communication. I tell him that when I head off to basic training I am okay with breaking up and revisiting our feelings afterward. He insists he loves me and he stays with me.
Awesome! so during all of training and covid we manage our relationship through letters in basic and through calls and social media once I get to my MOS training and have access to my phone.
From Feb11-Dec19 of 2020, we do not see one another. During that time he went on a hike with a girl who used to give him horse lessons. This hike is a hike he only went on with me like twice and I went often. He doesn't tell me he went hiking with her. I instead find out afterward from her social media (yes I looked her up). I know that I have become a bit jealous and have been looking into the women he is close to because A I am away and B I clearly have some trust issues due to distance and the fact he never really likes to talk to me on the phone. So he tells me that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset.
I might have who knows but I know I was more upset with him not telling me. So, now every time he is with this girl I get jealous even more.
Moving on, so we get through the chaos of covid and MOS training. The fling girl from the year prior I notice he likes every photo she posts on FB and IG and tells me they have remained good friends. Okay, I do make sly comments and am very jealous and I know I am wrong for that. I take leave in DEC we get into an argument while drinking over the girls I am worried about. He breaks up with me and then we make up same dayish.
Okay, then I graduate MOS training. We decide that we should get married. We do a courthouse marriage. I have orders to Korea for a year. We spend a few hours a weekend visiting (that is all I am allowed) and get to enjoy seeing each other for about 4 - 5 weekends before I ship off. During those visits, he was late a lot because he didn't hear his alarm. (staying in a hotel off-post driving in the night before) KEEP IN MIND WE HARDLY SEE ONE ANOTHER.
I leave in March of 2021. Okay, we have what I call communication issues. I talk a lot and am energetic and passionate about him not so much. He is a bit of a nerd and pretty selfish at the same time.
I noticed more and more his online presence with the fling girl and straight-up asked him one night last summer when was the last time he saw a fling girl. As far as I am concerned he hasn't seen her since before we started dating. He says oh um January I think. I am appalled because he took her to the range with him and says it was with another buddy and I knew nothing of it. Look, I know I was dramatic with the first girl and I take that responsibility. I can only chalk to being in Bootcamp for 10 weeks and not getting to see him because of restrictions of covid and he is with some other chick not telling me about it.
Now I am FLOORED because he is hanging out behind my back with a girl he used to FUCK for fun and not telling me about it.
Okay, that causes its own setup drama for a few months. I asked him to send me a screenshot of their texting and he did. When I found out I told him I would send her a message and ask what the dynamic was of their relationship to get the truth because I felt betrayed. It was a bluff but I did say it. When I see the screenshot part of their conversation was him telling her and confiding to her about me asking information about that day. "
him: My wife might message you about hanging out"
her "oh no"
him "yeah shit is cray".
her " ITS COOL ILL LAY LOW".
Still to this day, it irks me why he she willing to lay low? She is very beautiful and I certainly feel like I don't compete. she is 22 blonde hair blue eyes FL girl.
Okay well, they remain friends, and whatever I am dramatic for a bit. I eventually accept the friendship.
Middle of SEPT 2021 I am getting ready to take 30 days of leave to go see family and him.
We are on the phone and I ask how is Bailey he said good she is dating new guy yada yada. I'm like oh cool.
I get home and we are in an Airbnb in KY for part of our trip to bourbon tours. We get into a conversation I ultimately ask his passcode to phone. He goes pee and I look for bailey's contact. Low and behold it is deleted.
So, I ask him why. He said that he chose me over her. I am so confused. I thought she had become an important friend??
I continue to say that doesn't make since you just told me less than 2 weeks ago she was good and got a bf blah blah.
(we had a few drinks) when i say a few i literally mean sips of bourbon from our buys, not belligerent we don't do that.
He gets so idk my opinion, forced into a corner he can't dig himself out of with lies, he takes his ring off and says I am too emotional.
Well as you can guess we get over it and move on. It did take me coming back to Korea for me to call him and discuss my feelings over it all and tell him I felt we had an expiration date due to his ring removal and response to the situation.
Here we are I have been back in Korea since Nov 2nd and we have still had numerous tensions. I would say mostly on my part.
He hasn't worked since August and no I am no supporting him. He is still living with his parents since November of 2020. He has saved so he hasn't needed any financial stability and we have been saving for a house upon my return.
Okay so he doesn't work, has several hobbies, 5 social media accounts, WhatsApp, signal, a photography page and spends butt loads amount of time online. Yet, he never makes time to respond to me about anything serious. He ignores my questions on a daily basis. Can you send me W-2s and he will send me a video of the dog. Sometimes it is small talk sometimes it is serious planning it doesn't matter he rarely answers it. I have to send it multiple times. Then there is everyone else who comes first. He answers the phone around me when his friends call but can't answer my calls around his friends. He lies to me about little stuff and just overall doesn't seem to care.
He doesn't work.
He was late sending me any package. He makes time for all his buddies, going to the range, stopping at favorite shops. ETC
I have asked him on multiple occasions to just be straight up with me. I obviously can't leave until he draws the line in the sand. I am committed and dedicated. He says I am annoying, dramatic, emotional, etc. I genuinely try to communicate with him. I don't get dick pics or romantic or dirty talk. I don't get hi good morning ILY on a regular basis. In fact, he has never said good morning beautiful. I don't get any level of love or reassurance, compliments, or even fuck you(s). I don't know what to do. I go home in 51 days. I am nervous. We are about to move in together and go from all this to just being up each other's butts.
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