The "real chat" and so on

[underthewater]

Hi everyone, so now I'm posting in Hong Kong! It's 4:44am here and I can't sleep anymore due to jet lag:< I guess I can post here to let everyboday now how things go here and get some comments.

So previously my bf was having doubts and so on, and he proposed a "real chat". We talked the first night I arrived and then again last night. So basically he's saying that he doesn't want to get married too soon, and he was really stressed out because of his new job and new environment. I showed him articles I read online about monogomy, commitment issues and temptation, we discussed and he said he'd never cheat and will behave himself. The chat was good, he's pretty sincere I think and told me all his past relationship (for the first time) and so on.

And a few more things:

1. I found out he had subscribed services from "World Friends" which is like 100USD for 3 months when I used his computer, I didn't click it (his browser shows 8 most frequently visited webpages when it's opened). I don't think it's a pure dating website but at the same time I don't know if he's just making pure friends there. I haven't brought it up yet.

2. When we're on an escalator I was joking how easy it was to steal his phone from his pocket and I took it out, it has an email from a female colleague of his right on the screen and the only words jumping into my eyes before I looked away was "It's just some family issues, honey..." He explained that she's the office manager and he flirted with her a bit just to make it easier at work. The reason she sent that email was because he asked her earlier why she was so moody at work. He said that girl was not attractive at all and he'd show me her picture from his company's intranet. He said this girl also has boyfriend and she knows he has girlfriend as well, that it's really nothing going on.

3. I found out an unopened box of 3 condoms under his bed, I put it back-the box is crashed and I thought it was left by the guy who lived there before. Later last night I remembered that and wanted to show him, and it's gone! He "acted" for a few seconds and admitted that he put it away because he didn't want me to be suspicious. He said he bought them because I sounded unsure about taking my pills on the phone. He showed me his other two condoms and said these 5 condoms will be well kept. He's very bad at lying and can barely cover his tracks so I tend to think he's honest on this.

He admitted 2 and 3 would make him look really bad and suspicous but it really wasn't like THAT. But from what I know about him I don't really think he has cheated since he came here. He definitely got cold feet when I talked a bit about the future but when we sat down and talked, he said he didn't want to end things with me and he could see a future with me although he didn't want to commit on marriage at the moment.

From previous comments I got I think more posters here don't think my boyfriend is honest. But after the two chats we had in the past two days, I tend to think he is although he flirts with a girl at work and hides condoms. Sometimes I find it hard to give readers here a whole picture of what really happened...I don't know, am I too naive here?

[LadyMarchHare]

I'll address the 'issues' (can't think of a better term) by the number you gave them.

1. I looked up the site, it says 'meet friends who love travel', it doesn't smell like a dating site but yeah there's a possibility. But, that falls under trust, which is preached here big time. Let him have the site, if you want to bring it up then go ahead, just ask the premise of what it's about and what he does/why he likes it.

2. I use the term 'honey' with people I'm not interested in, lots of women do. I'd be a little put off that he flirted to 'make it easier' because that's not the only way to lighten the mood between coworkers/ boss and worker but so long as he doesn't let anything one-sided blossom it's just something to talk about for 'next time'.

3. They were unopened so yeah it's your best bet to believe him. I'd be more concerned if they were open, the box looked like it had been muddled with, and the condoms rather old.

I personally don't think either make him look bad, he could just use different ways of going about certain issues. It's easy to point the finger and cry 'liar' sometimes when it's not your situation or things are worded as they are, but I'm glad you guys got to speak in person about all this and it hopefully settled a bunch of things. And no, you're not naive. If you were, you'd be completely blind to the issues and not concerned in any way shape or form.

[Čternity]

Well, I guess none of us truly know your situation like you do. If you trust and believe him and it's enough for you that's a good thing.

For me, it's not what a guy says, it's what he does, that's important. I'll be honest with you, he is saying the right things during your visit but what he's doing ie/ the phone message, the condoms, the World Friends just don't sit well with me. The condoms, if they were for you because of the pills, why did he have to hide them? Why does he need to pay 100USD for three months for 'friends'? Sounds like the office is a very 'friendly' place if flirting with the office manager makes things easier at work. That's a new one! Usually doing your job well makes things easier at work.

LDRs are about communication, honesty and trust from both sides. He admits 2 and 3 'look really bad and suspicous'. He is right about that, but he seems to have an explanation for everything.

I'm just not sure, I hope you are right and it's all just innocent as he has explained. I hope the rest of the visit is really good and you get to strengthen your relationship.

EDIT - flirting at work - bad idea - think sexual harrassment, office gossip and jeopardising your job

[Zephii]

So I googled world friends, and it seems to be just a regular social networking site, a good thing for people to learn other languages and share travel stories. I can't for the life of me figure out why a person would be paying $100 a month for it though. I couldn't see anything that required payment, but then, I didn't attempt to register either. Did you ask him to show you what it is/does? Remember, it is ok to be curious without being suspicious. It seems legit, but as you mentioned, he could be making the other kind of friends.

The condoms thing is suspicious though and I wouldn't be buying it for a second - because he deliberately tried to hide it and thought he could get away with it.

I don't know, it all gives me a terrible feeling and yes, I do think you're being too naive here. I would, at the very least, do a little snooping. (Yes I know that's "wrong" and we need to trust our partners and all that jaz, but I'd still do it.)
It is great he's opening up to you, if that's what this really is but I just don't know.

[Laura024]

I admit that all these situations sound a bit odd, but your instincts may be right. You know him better than us. Just remain cautious.
I just checked out the success stories page on that World Friends site, and many of the stories are about discovering love. Now I'm not saying that's your guy's motive to go on there, but I would ask him about his experiences on the site. Why is it worth it to him to pay so much to find friends?

[squiddie]

I too am sort of suspect of him paying that much per month to find friends...there are free websites that serve the same purpose. I'm sure he can find friends who love travel.

While I don't think he's lying to you, it also doesn't feel like he's being 100% honest. It feels like he's holding back, to be honest. This still rings alarms for me, especially as a 34-year-old should know better than to be flirting with his superiors. As Eternity said, it opens him up to sexual harassment issues. I don't know what the laws are like in Hong Kong, but it can really bite him in the tush.

[Silviar]

I think it's important to trust your instincts, because sometimes, that's all you got. However, I hope you'll also just pay attention and after the trip give yourself a little space to think about it away from him and think about how it makes you feel. Aside of just believing him, do you feel the things he's doing are appropriate in a partner? Especially the flirting at work.

Another larger concern, I think, is that he's making friends online rather than taking the time to make friends there, which is what he needs.

So, if it's all really kosher, ask to meet his work buddies and if you can meet them, perhaps have drinks or dinner. I'd be curious to see what he does with that. It'll tell a lot.

[underthewater]

Hi all, thanks a lot for your reply. A bit more updates!

So the day after I posted here, we went hiking and when we were walking in the forest I asked him about his childhood. He first came up with the "there's nothing interesting to talk about" attitude, then asked me about my childhood. Later on our way back I told him that he might think about things he kept as a secret to share with me after my dinner with friends that night as I had something to share as well. When I came back that night, he said he wanted to buy some beer and tell me "all about his childhood". It turned out to be that he had an extremely dramatic childhood and teenage with loads of crime involved, and he was extremely close to the point of no return for more than a few times.

We talked in a park till 2am that night and he said he had never told anybody about it and he hoped that I could understand some of his behavior based on his past (not in particular about our relationship though, mainly about his ego, etc). I was of course very surprised but at the same time I was very glad that he let me know those things.

Then yesterday I was moody when he said he didn't think me going to his hometown for Christmas would be a good idea while kept paying more attention to his computer. I started crying and said that I saved all the money I earned in the past month to visit him and he's just being unfair to me. We talked then and he said "I wanted to tell you later but since you mentioned, I'll say it now-I'll pay for half of your ticket, I'm earning more and it's only fair this way." I turned it down and said I'd rather have him visiting me in return, and he said "of course I'll do my part." We then planned a bit for our anniversary trip next year.

I was a bit upset last night again when we talked about me visiting him more the year after next year (my last year at school). I said I could visit every 2 months and stay for one month (so I'll be with him for 1 month every 3 months). And he sounded unsure and said "so you'll stay here one quarter of the year?" and "one month is a long time...". I did the dishes and felt better then...lol. I guess we really should first see if we feel good living together for 11 days this time, and maybe 15 days next time, 3 weeks then...till we're both comfortable with eachother even it's a whole month or more. I tend to have things all planned out sometimes without making sure that I am comfortable with it, not to mention him. Sometimes when I have things all planned in my mind, my expectation would be really high and it's really easy to be upset as a result if he's not on the same page instantly.

I rethink of things he told me about his childhood now and I guess he's very insecure about things and enjoy his freedom (physically, financially, etc), but at the same time he needs loads of love and care. I always thought he's a decent guy and this is not changed after him telling me his past. I think for him, letting me know his past is a huge step in the relationship.