Moving in together vs. Moving to be together

[Elena]

Ok, so I'm curious about other people's situations/plans and also looking for some advice about my own. I imagine that many people here have plans to someday be (physically) together with their SO, which would involve one or both people to move. How do you plan to make that happen? And do you plan to first move closer to each other, and later move in together if all goes well? Or do you plan that when someone moves, you'll move in together? I know this can be impacted by beleifs about whether people should live together before they're married, etc, but I'm curious.

Here's my situation: my bf and I have been in a relationship about a year now. We first met in person (not online) while I was on vacation in Brazil and we spent close to a week together, then spent 6 months apart, and then 3 weeks together. It's now been almost another 6 months since we've seen each other. Now, the plan is for me to move there (Brazil) in august/september after I graduate college in may and work a bit over the summer to save money, but we're calling it a temporary move because I'll likely have to come back to the states after 6 months due to visa issues. While there my plan is to teach english.

Now the question is whether we should move in together (in an apartment/ renting a room). For a while, I've been thinking that it just makes the most sense for us to move in together. Right now he lives with his parents (although he's 25, it's totally normal in brazil), works full time during the day, and is in law school at night. My thinking has been along the lines of, 'if we don't move in together,either I'll never see him except weekends b/c he's so busy, or he'll be at my place all the time anyway, in which case it would be nice to split the rent.' Plus, there's the issue of where would I live anyway? I could rent a room just for myself, but it would be cheaper if we were sharing. I couldn't afford an apartment on my own, and if I was gonna live in an apartment with roomates, wouldn't it be better to just live with him as a roommate, even if it is a big step in the relationship? Plus, I think I would feel a bit lonely having a place on my own when I'm living in this new situation (I'm not too scared to travel around south america by myself for a month, but living on my own does scare me, go figure!). And I've talked to boyfriend about it and he's totally open to the idea. Plus, I feel like the whole point of me going there is giving this relationship a chance, and part of me thinks it would be good to see how we live together b/c in the long term I want to know that's going to work. So these seem like reasons to definitely move in together, right?

BUT then I wonder if that's the best choice. Talking to a friend, she made me realize that it really is a huge step to move in together, and wondered if it wouldn't be better to see how we work in a more 'normal' CD relationship before taking that step. And in some ways I think she's right. I mean, it's a huge step, and that's putting even more pressure on our relationship. But then again, I'm already taking the huge step of moving there (which is actually what I'm worried about more than our relationship itself working out), so it seems like it's not as big of a deal. And getting an apartment together could be tricky to find a short-term lease, and we'd also likely have to shell out a LOT of money b/c apartments there usually don't come with any appliances (think STOVE, etc) and all appliances/electronics are pricey there due to high taxes. I've never lived together with a boyfriend, and I've never even officially lived in my own place (although I've been away at college liiving in dorms, and I've traveled a lot so have a lot of independence), so it would all be new.

So....what are your plans/experiences? What do you think I should consider when making this decision? Any advice about what to do?
THANKS, and sorry this post is so long!

[Mio]

My SO is moving to my country in March. And he will have his own place, and we will move together when we marry in June. I hope you can make the best decision for your relationship!

[Bluestars]

My SO moved to be closer to me this past December, but he lives an hour away, so we are kind of still long distance because we only get to see each other once a week. He moved in with his dad, but he is having an extremely hard time adapting to this new place and he gets very lonely because he does not have any friends whatsoever. A lot of the problem is that he is shy and hasn't found a job yet, but we both agree that he moved here too soon without making any plans whatsoever. However, even though it wouldn't be possible and I know that my SO would prefer living separately first, I think it would have helped for us to move in together so that he would not be so lonely and go through this all alone. But for us, that would not be an option any time soon because I that would be rushing our relationship to quickly.

Because you will be moving to a new country where you do not know anyone, I would think that moving in with your boyfriend will be a good idea, depending on how comfortable you both are with the idea. However, if one of you thinks that it might be rushing into it too soon, then you probably shouldn't. The move will probably be really tough on you being in a different country, so having your SO with you would really be a support. Also, I totally agree with your reasoning of getting to see him more than once a week. However, another option could be you moving in with your SO's family if they would allow you to. I do not know if that could work, but it would save you the hassle of having to find a place to rent for such a small amount of time, and you wouldn't have to worry about appliances.

I am sure that whatever you decide will be the best decision. I would just advise talking to your SO about it and see how he feels on the subject

[Elena]

Thanks for the responses! Mio, congrats on the moving/engagement! That's very exciting! If you don't mind my asking, why did you decide for him to get his own place first? Was it because you two beleive its best to wait until marriage to live together, or more for practical reasons? Just curious

And Bluestars, thanks so much for your advice! I'm sorry the situation with you and your boyfriend isn't ideal at the moment, but I hope everything works out, and its nice that you at least get to see each other once a week! And you brought up a good point of having him as my support if we moved in together. The idea of moving in with his family is an interesting one, but I'm not sure if that is the best idea. First of all, he hasn't brought up the idea at all, and I wouldn't want to suggest it as I feel kind of like it is imposing (since this isn't just a visit, its a long-ish term thing). Also, I haven't met his family yet, so that makes it a little more scary for all involved, hehe. But I think the bigger issue is more around, would that be really awkward, would I feel comfortable living there, and I'm not even sure how his parents would feel about that. It's weird, but actually, one of my bigger reasons for thinking that it would be hard is that I'm vegetarian, hahah. It probably sounds really goofy, but people in Brazil generally don't understand vegetarianism at all, and I would feel bad putting pressure on his mom to cook vegetarian food for me all the time. And although I'm more than happy to cook for myself and/or help out, I worry that she might feel put out. I don't know if that makes any sense at all....Then, there's the issue of privacy. But if it otherwise seemed like the best option, I guess we could deal with it. Somehow though, although I tend to get along well with parents and I'm sure his family is lovely, I feel like that situation would make things even more complicated!

[Mio]

At the moment I live with my parents, so it's a no no for him to live here! lol

I hope you can get to a good decision!!!

[Bluestars]

Thanks Even though the past month and a half have been difficult adjusting, we still have gained a lot of valuable memories, so whatever happens, this whole experience wasn't worthless, and we know everything will work out in the long run

Yeah....I wouldn't want to stay with one of our parents either, but it was just a random idea that popped into my head. Jared was really afraid of staying at my house for the longest time, but when he finally did, he liked it a lot better than just staying in a motel. But I definitely wouldn't bring it up unless your boyfriend mentioned it first because I would also feel like it would be pressuring him.

[Taija]

I really think it depend on the couple and the situation.

Living together can often turn out to be quite different from what you expected so knowing how you work in close distance and in the day-to-day life is indeed important. If you feel like your previous visits have been short and you haven't gotten to spend as much time together as you would've wished, it might be a good idea to live in different apartments at first. On the other hand, just like you said, moving together might be cheaper and otherwise easier, so maybe the risk is worth taking - especially since even if it doesn't work out, it's only a temporary move and you can always go back home if you really want to.

In my own case, I'm definitely going to move together with Jesse immediately, since the easiest way for me to move to the US is by marrying him. Both of my previous visits have been long (first a month and then 1½ months) and we spent all of that time 24/7 together, so I know the ups and downs of living with him. I'm mostly worried about how I'll like living in the country.

[fcbella]

Oh how these same exact thoughts have passed through my mind! Before I knew the work visa guidelines for the US (and how I won't be able to get one! grr), I was thinking I would move there, stay with him for a couple months until I knew my new job was secure and then find a great place of my own. I was thinking he would then eventually move in with me.

Although, because of the silly government, we'll have to get married first.(depending on the career path he chooses, we may have to do the same for Canada if we decide he moves here).

Marriage would be fantastic! That is our overall goal.. but obviously then we would be living together right away.

If I had the choice to get my own place/move in right away.. I'd take the get my own place option. I rushed into living with my ex and even though it worked for 3 yrs, I really wish I hadn't in the long term. I would have seen qualities in him that I shouldn't have dealt/settled with for 3 yrs. I guess it's just a 'precautionary plan'.

Plus jumping from a LDR to living together is a HUGE learning curve I'm sure... but if it's meant to work, and if you both can make it through the stresses of a ldr.. I'm sure this will just be another adjustment period and all will be well

[ErinKristine]

In about 2 years my SO and I plan to move in together where ever he is stationed. Right now I'm working on my master's degree and that will take about a year to finish, then next year he will be deploying. We feel like living in separate apartments would be pointless if we lived in the same area. He also says that when we move in together he wants me to focus on paying off my student loans since he knows that's a big area of stress for me and that he's going to pay the rent and utilities, etc.

[folclor]

Hmm, that's really interesting.

The plan, so far, is for me to come visit some time this year (because of lack of work my trip is always getting delayed) and, if I like it there, try moving there within the next year. I don't want to move in with him yet just out of moral stuff, but I'm frightened to be moving to an entirely new country where I hardly have any contacts and the contacts I do have are in different provinces and I've never met them irl so that doesn't do me much good. He tells me to just, "let things happen," but in my opinion things can't 'just happen,' you have to plan them out.

[Zephii]

We moved straight in with each other and so far, even though we're living with his parents and are not yet out on our own it's been great.
I offered at one point to move to Canada and have my own place or live with one of my other friends because he was a little bit overwhealmed with the commitmentness, but we soon got past that. I'm not interested in "dating" I want a life with someone, and to me that means having someone to come home to or wait for every evening.
Besides, he'd just visited me for four months and we'd lived together for that period, so it would be silly for us to live seperatly just because the visit would be longer.
While we were in the LDR we spent so much time working our sheduals around each other and spent so much time on skype together-but-doing-seperate-things that it really wasn't that big of a shock to be doing it physically rather than mentally/strapped to a computer.
It's also financially a better option.

I think I'd feel a little jipped if I moved to another country for someone and they expected me to do it all myself and didn't want to live with me

[szrhappi11]

this is a difficult choice. i have mixed emotions on what to do w/ me and my bf. i think its somethin you two really just need discuss thuroughly and figure out the best options. movin to a new place let alone a new country is a big deal. i wish you two the best of luck.

as for me and jeff the plan is for him to move here eventully. i know he wants to move in together but i have mixed emotions on it. i would love to live with him but i kind of have always told myself that i would not move in w someone until i was engaged or married. but with bein in the a ldr i feel it kind of changes things. he would b movin here to b w/ me and changin his life and i feel like i would have to give too. but its still far off and as always im thinkin way ahead of myself lol

[polkapiggy]

My and Alex's plans are very complicated. He's going to take his gap year in 2012 and come visit me here in england and he'll live here with my family and i. Then in 2014 i'll be taking my gap year and I'm going to be going over to America and living with him while he's in his second year of college. We'll most likely be living in a small apartment, maybe with room mates. Then I'll be coming back to england and going to university. Once he finishes college in 2016 he'll come to england to live with me while i'm in uni and he'll get a job. After that, who knows? =)

[woop woop]

Elena, you ask the best questions!

My boyfriend and I are trying to work out how to best live together and keep on our chosen career paths. Him comimg to the UK to live with me is our plan A, which freaked me out to begin with because I felt it was too soon. When I floated the idea of him coming here and living apart from me he was okay with it, but not over enthusiastic. And I felt a bit guilty for asking him about this option. I feel now that - as a couple of people here have said - if he's making the huge effort of moving to my country for me, then I need to make similar investment on our relationship.

[Monkey Man]

well Jessie and I met online, and have yet to meet. But I am moving for her and at the same time moving in. Crazy, I know, but we feel so good about it.