A new spin on the "going-away-to-college" story

[zombiejamboree]

My GF of two years left for grad school in September. Though she's only 150 km away, the rigour of her MBA programme, and its novelty (she was trained as an art teacher) has her overwhelmed. Of course, I miss her but don't want to place undue pressure on her when she clearly has enough as it is.

Nonetheless, I'm left with loneliness whilst she has the excitement of a new, larger city and a challenging but bracing course of study. When she left, we made no commitments beyond trying to do what we had been doing for the preceding two years.

It seems to me that one of the ways one renders a long distance relationship tolerable is to have a goal at the end, but GF is maddeningly -- if perhaps pragmatically -- open-ended ("who knows what will happen in two years when I graduate? I may stay here, or go somewhere else. It's too early to tell."). Again, I'm loathe to pressure her to do anything at this point; perhaps a light touch now will be rewarded later.

Or perhaps it won't be and I will be rewarded at the end of this interval with yet more loneliness.

Did I mention that I am 53 and she is 39? We're both divorced, she by her own choice, and me when my wife left me for a colleague at work. We're not kids, but I feel like one when I'm around her.

The other day, when I asked her view of the current situation, she said, "We'll try our best to make this work day by day, as we always have done. Distance is tough, and you never know. You might meet someone in whom you're interested, and I would hope that you would pursue that interest, as I would do should the same thing happen to me, but I'm not looking for it. I'm too busy."

Well, I was stunned. Sure, in the end, all relationships are essentially day-to-day, but isn't this analysis a bit TOO clear-eyed, even cynical? Or was she testing me (I think not; last year our relationship cooled when, as she put it we "became too much like being married." Still, who knows?).

Now I'm wondering if this is not the sort of person who is interested in making a commitment of any kind.

Should I pursue some sort of goal or hope the pressure she's under is colouring her thinking at the moment and wait to see what happens? This episode has brought terrifying echoes of my marriage, and I fear for the health of our relationship.

[zombiejamboree]

I neglected to add that we originally planned to meet every other week, with me driving to meet her. Now, she finds herself so busy that she will tell me when we can next meet. Or not. It's an understandable, but not very satisfactory situation, perhaps for her as much as for me.

[mllebamako]

First of all, welcome to LFAD! You've come to a great place for advice and support.

I agree with you that it is understandable that sometimes she is too busy to meet every other weekend. As long as she makes SOME time for you: at least some phone calls and a visit every once in awhile then I don't see that part as a huge problem.

As for her commitment (or lack thereof), I don't think that's fair at all. Sometimes the casual relationship is a 2-way street and it's what both parties want, so fine. But that doesn't seem like the case here. You obviously want more commitment than she is willing to give you. Like you said, relationships ARE day-to-day, but a serious relationship cannot thrive without some talk of the future and commitment. Maybe she is scared to get too serious so she is giving herself (and you) an exit strategy: if you meet someone who you click with. It seems like she is saying this could happen more easily because of the distance. But you could meet someone new anytime CD or LD!

Why did she get divorced? Was it because of her husband specifically or was it because she didn't like being married and committed like that? Like you said, she chose divorce whereas you were committed to your ex-wife and didn't chose your current situation.

If it were me in the situation, I would need at least basic commitment and some sort of future talk/plans.

[Silviar]

I think what you have here is really a different level of interest in commitment. You want to keep going with her, while she wants to stay open to the possibility of change. I think you need to sit down with her and have a talk about your goals with the relationship and where you want it to go.

Of course every day is different and challenging. That's life. But if you want to be in a committed relationship together, you make it work. It sounds like you do, but she doesn't. Although it may be painful, please bring it up to her and see where she'd like your relationship to go. That way, you're on the same page, because I'd hate for you to be left hanging. She may not even realize what she's saying has that sort of impact on you.

Good luck, let us know how it pans out.

[zombiejamboree]

@lck -- First of all, thank you for your warm welcome. She said of her divorce that her marraige had "run out of gas." One of the reasons, as far as I can know, was that she wanted children, and he was very much opposed to it. This may not have been the cause of the divorce, but it seemed to drain the life out of her marriage.

@silviar -- I think she may realize the impact of her words. When she first announced that she was to be returning to university, I had a spasm of, well, I suppose you'd call it separation anxiety. I told her that I loved her (this after almost a year of what was -- to my mind, though perhaps not hers -- a friends-with-benefits sort of relationship), and she withdrew, saying that our relationship "was becoming too much like being married." It seems fairly clear that she is afraid of commitment. And who can blame her? She's much younger, with a much more exciting and bright future than I have. Why wouldn't she want to keep her options open? But where does that leave the man to whom she says, "I love you" every night on the phone with apparent sincerity?

[zombiejamboree]

This is how it panned out: we ended it last evening, and for a most peculiar reason. Whilst unpacking she came across some childhood photos of her ex-husband. They triggered memories of how she ended the marriage, and raised many regrets. She now feels as though she must make amends and clear the air with her ex-husband (who, incidentally, was an acquaintance of mine). This is noble of her -- I only wish my former wife could be so honest -- but to my way of thinking, this is a former relationship that has not completely ended, and I am an interloper here. My presence in this situation cannot possibly be beneficial. So I said a tearful goodbye.

As for the comment quoted above that precipitated this crisis, she explained that it was not meant as permission to date, but rather as a (somewhat clumsily formed) summary of her mental state at the time. "I felt," she said, "as though I was single again, and it felt uncomfortable)."

So there you have it. A misunderstanding, a ghost from the past, and a parting. This, unfortunately, is a very old story for me.

Thank you for your concern. I suppose there is little reason for me to be on this board now.

[Laura024]

I'm sorry that it ended that way, and wish you good fortune for the future. This is a random comment, but I really enjoy the way you write. You should write a book. I'd read it.

[Mrs. Meat]

I have to agree with Laura. You have a style of writing that you dont see or read in everyday language. Good luck in your future relationships...

[machstx]

I'm sorry that it ended that way, and wish you good fortune for the future. This is a random comment, but I really enjoy the way you write. You should write a book. I'd read it.

I very much so agree with Laura. i wish you a speedy healing, good luck