I don't know what to think.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

He and I are not official because understandably, he feels like if we can find someone closer that makes us happier, then it's worth it. Which I agree with, though we also both agree that it needs to be happier not just kind of mediocre happy and they happen to live down the street. So I'm not very worried. It's not like he goes out on dates or anything, and I don't either, and he tells me he wants to be with me right here, right now, and that's as far into the future as he can look. We have an understanding that things need to end between us if they should start between us and someone else; neither of us are looking for an "open relationship" or anything like that. I honestly don't think I'd want to be his girlfriend, it doesn't feel like it "fits" when I think of what I want to mean to him. It's not a fear of commitment, I plan on being married to someone some day and settling down. But when I think of what a "girlfriend" has meant to me in the past, it's not what I want to mean to him. Does that make sense?

But... I am an internalizer, because I'm paranoid and insecure, it's just how I am. He can tell me he loves me as much as he wants, I find it hard to believe. Sometimes something will bother me and I will simply say nothing, because I can’t stand feeling like a burden. He never has anything he needs help with, I mean it; that could be because he has less of a social life in general and less conflict in his life, but it’s the truth. And when I tell him I feel like a burden, he seems confused and asks me how I could think that, where did that come from?

So what happens is he will say one wrong thing and I will say one wrong thing back and it will open a whole can of worms, everything I’ve bottled up will just come out. Three or so nights ago we had a two hour argument about nothing. It wasn’t an argument, per se, because we were extremely civil. To accept the present situation between us, I try to make allusions to the future, even though I know that it probably won’t happen. He told me that scared him because he’s afraid of breaking my heart if I plan all these dreams that can’t happen for years and years. So then it all just came out, all the times he makes me so afraid, and I told him that sometimes because of my insecurity and low self value (which he knows about, or he should by now) sometimes I feel like I want him to break my heart, like it would be better that way. And then he says that shouldn’t be too hard for him to do. His ex (let’s call her… Ana) was also LDR and he fell out of love with her for a lot of reasons, and he thought that didn’t want to be with her, even though she still loves him, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend.

Ana is moving out to where he lives. He said that the plan is in a year they will share an apartment, save her the expense of a dorm and they’re good friends anyway. I thought they were totally done, as done for good as any exes can be, but he told me that night that he couldn’t tell me for a minute he didn’t think they would get together again. My heart sank: I don’t believe in any kind of relationships with expiration dates. Then I asked him why he was wasting my time with me if he knew I was temporary? How could I have been such a dumb ass bitch, how could I have believed any of it? He said he wasn’t wasting his time with me. And I asked him if there was any chance that he would not get back with Ana, and he said yeah, there was… but he didn’t know how big it was. Apparently this isn’t set in stone: “her coming out here is as sure as our honeymoon.” So anything could happen. Anything can happen, that’s always how he thinks.

He said that if I really wanted to end things and be platonic, then he wouldn’t like it and he didn’t want that but he would have to respect my wishes. And I told him that I didn’t think we could be truly platonic, because we have feelings for each other, at least right now. Though I know if we end things I will go to his wedding and I will not feel bitter that we tried. He feels like he’s “trying my damnedest to preserve this and you’re just trying as hard as you can to end it” but it’s so funny, because I always feel like I give and I give and I want to invest these emotions in him and allow myself to fall for him, and let it mean that much more when I tell him I love him, that it won’t be I love you like my best friend, it’ll be I love you like I think I should. So I told him that I needed him to love me the best way he knew how, even after he had told me he liked to believe he loved me and Ana the same right now, and he wasn’t in love with anyone at the moment. He said when had he not loved me the best he could? And we were done talking about it.

I woke up a few hours later after I fell asleep in his arms (we always *cuddle* before I go to sleep) and I tossed and turned and I would go halfway asleep, then I would think of the things I’ve heard him say about her, the things I’ve seen on Facebook, the fact that he loved her in a way he doesn’t love me, the idea that I am not in a position to move out there in a year, and a physical pain would shoot through my body and I would fall apart all over again. I feel like it’s a race, who can get to him first can have him. And I can’t live like that, I can’t know that someone was better than me. If we fall apart by our own means because we didn’t work, that is something I can accept, but I can’t accept losing him to Ana.

I left him a long list of offlines when I woke up for good and I just told him that I needed to love him and not be worried about how much I loved him, and that I was afraid of so many things and I needed to feel like this could work. When I got home at the end of the day he was online and we had small talk and I asked, “So did you get the offlines?” Ignored me for twenty minutes, so I said, “I guess I shouldn’t have asked, sorry. … What do you want me to say?” And he said, “Nothing. Forget you sent them. They don’t matter now. I don’t want to hear anymore about future fears and past regrets, all I know is that I want to be with you right now.”

But, I can’t. I can’t live like this. Things aren’t the same as they were, I feel like, even though we’ve had bad “fights” like this before and things got back to normal. I just think it would be easier to ask him to take Ana back, please, before I have to deal with her moving out there and having to say this will be the last time we cuddle, in the morning she will be there and she will sleep in your bed and I won’t mean anything. I would rather lose him now and have a year to get over it before that blow hits. There’s a chance of course that he will fall for me totally and not want her back, but I doubt that I am good enough for that.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s best. I don’t know what to think.


Song of the moment in case you didn't catch the mood I'm in: Slow Down.

[MadMolly]

I think he is messing around with your feelings here. How is it ever okay to have an ex move in with you? That is not acceptable and if I heard my guy was planning that it would be over - even if they are friends, there are obviously feelings there and that is just feeding the fire.

Do you think maybe he has convinced you to think you don't need to be his girlfriend, even if deep down inside that is what you really want? That sort of sends up warning bells for me. I assume you guys have never met and I know my BF and I didn't make anything official til we met, but we were non-exclusive before that, we both messed around with other people and told eachother about it, and it sounds like this guy wants to have your heart exclusively but also leave room for anyone else who might come into the picture - like his ex. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like he is controlling the situation to be however he wants it to be. If this bothers you, SAY SO... and if it ends, it was never meant to be in the first place. *hug*

[Gurl]

I have to totally agree with Molly here. If he can't be what you need, then he's not what you need...and the whole ex moving there and moving in..oh HELLS no. As much as I adore my SO, I'd walk the instant he alluded to something like that even maybe happening. He's playing games with you, girlfriend....That's the feeling I get. Tell him what you need, and don't settle for less. *HUGS* it will be hard, but you need to do whats best for you hun.

[Taija]

I have to agree with Molly and Gurl - he's not treating you right at all.

Every couple has it's own rules and boundaries and there isn't really a "right" way to do things, but the most important thing is that both parties are happy with the situation - and you certainly aren't. I might be wrong here, but it feels like you two don't really view your relationship the same way; he wants you all for himself while avoiding the trouble of commitment, and you seem to wish you two could have an actual future but go along with his idea because you don't want to lose him. Fearing if your partner is going to stay with you or choose his ex is no way to live, official or not - you deserve to be better than just "one of the options".

[Zephii]

I'm agreeing with what they said ^

IMO if you don't make plans to be together and take the necessary steps to make that happen, it wont. Life doesn't just fall into place. And I don't think that you should have to appologise for how you feel. You have the right to worry about the future and to feel however you do about situations. It's cold and rude of him to simply disregard that or refuse to discuss it.
I wish I had some useful advice, but I don't. I'm sorry he isn't treating you well at the moment.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

It's just really sad to me, because I know he's a quiet type and he observes more than he speaks, and he does do some SUPER sweet things for me, but I am the more sappy one. I just, I feel like he means more to me than I mean to him, even if he says all of this stuff about loving me forever, at least as his best friend, that I am his lover for now, his best friend forever, and I will always be his Jenna. I wonder if he's telling me what I want to hear, I really do.

I feel bad because he said he doesn't want us to fight anymore and if I bring it up again he'll just tell me he doesn't want to talk about it and refuse to reply. But I need to tell him I don't feel so good about this... I am happy with him a lot of the time, and I was so happy with him up until that fight. Like I said, I've gotten back to feeling like I did before a fight after an equally horrid fight. This, though, might be different. I just, I don't even know if he'll be upset if I leave him. And that hurts- I feel like he doesn't value me at all sometimes, even when he says he really does. He recognizes there is room for misunderstandings in text and really encourages me to talk to him so "all will be right." And he promises he'll tell me if he's upset so I don't have to be paranoid, "but right now nothing is wrong. Everything is perfect."

=( And you're right, guys. I am afraid to lose him. And you're right, he has been the one to largely propose ideas for how to define our relationship. Ugh. I have to talk to him again. A lot of times I will just try to let him know I'm sad, but then he doesn't get it and I have to bring it up and I feel worse.

I don't want this to be over, and I don't want to feel like it was me that messed it up. I'm going to miss him saying he wants to hold me at night, being on web cam and seeing him smile and tell me I'm gorgeous and he loves me, having someone to talk to all the time. I guess I'm being pessimistic, maybe he could see reason. >.> But I don't know, I guess I won't until we talk.

Edit: That was in the offline, what I needed. I said that if he couldn't be those things, I couldn't do it. But of course he all but ignored the offlines, so I don't know. =/

[Gurl]

Okay...you say "this is what I need" and he IGNORES this...and refuses to discuss the situation.... I know you are smart enough to see what this all means..... Pretend I posted your posts....step out of it and all will be much more clear.

[lunamea]

I completely understand that you can't live that way. I couldn't either and I think you shouldn't do that to yourself. It seems to me that he's not ready to commit, but commitment is what you need, especially in an LDR. Even though I wouldn't say he's toying with your emotions, I do think that he's not in it for the long run, and if you are, then that discrepancy is a huge problem.
The moving-in-with-his-ex is definitely a red flag and I'm shocked that he told you about it as bluntly if he knows how you feel. I don't know what advice to give you. My husband and I always say that no-one knows what the future brings and we hesitate to say "we'll be together forever" or something like that, but we sure know that we want to stay together... to me, that's what counts.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

So we talked. =]

Turns out, it was a misunderstanding. >.> And I believe him, it wasn't like he was just telling me, Drop it, you have no idea what you were talking about, he told me he was sorry at least five times and was saying he understood where I had misunderstood. I don't know, maybe he has an issue with phrasing, because what he meant by telling me his "plan" with his ex was that that could end up happening, it was something that might happen and he thinks "we need to be honest with each other about everything in order for this to work" and he wanted it all out in the open, even if it's not something I should worry about at this point. Maybe he was trying to say that it was an old plan they had had when they were together, and he doesn't know what will happen if she actually carries through with it? He brought up something too that I didn't even think about. I told him that I have an awful outlook of the world and I prepare for the worst, but I don't think he got that I think of the bad situations before they are even suggested, and I don't need his helping organizing my pessimism. I explained that, and the fact that when he brings up something I've already suspected in my paranoia, it makes it feel like a certainty.

I know for a fact (well, as factual as I can from 3000 miles away ) he's not with anyone else now, so I'm not concerned that they're going behind my back or something like that. We had a rough patch months ago and he did go on a date, and he wouldn't *kiss* me when they were still considering being a couple because he said that was wrong and he respected me too much to do that to me. And that girl still actively wants to get with him but he doesn't want to be with her, so while he could, and she is close distance, he hasn't gone on a date with her since we fixed things with us, he hasn't gone on any dates at all. I think that him telling me about Ana was so that I couldn't say that "when did this happen?!" if things with us don't work out and things with them do. The same way he tells me when he runs into anyone else he has history with and says more than "hi" to them and the same way he told me he might be seeing an old flame on Valentine's Day. (Wow, that sounded awful. XD There's this huge festival thing for the Chinese New Year where he lives and she happens to be going, like the other hundreds of people that attend Tet.)

He told me without really being prompted at all that he really didn't want this to end, he wanted us to work out, but he wouldn't beg me to stay if I didn't want to, he respects me and my wishes and if that's what I wanted, it would have to be that way. He told me he was very sorry when I told him I felt like I had to be afraid of him just up and leaving one day, and he wanted to cuddle after that to prove it but I wasn't done talking so we kept discussing it. I do deserve someone who can be what I need them to be, and I told him that. I also told him that it hurt me that I felt like I couldn't tell him our fight hurt me to begin with, since he had said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I told him everything I've told you guys, I was even clear on the fact that the Ana issue was what was especially bothering me.

Wow. I really can't thank you guys enough for prompting me to lay down the law with this. If he can't meet my standards, then I honestly don't see why it's healthy for me to stay with him. I definitely feel a million times better about him, I feel like everything is good for now. But I'm definitely not going to be as slow to tell him when I think our wants in a relationship are different- if they ever really are, it's best for me to just move on and I think I need to hold myself to that belief.

[Mio]

Well girl, take a good look. For me it all looks like he's got you as a door mat. I was there before, and trust me, is not easy to get out, it took me years!

[Veiled_Dreamer]

Yeah, I know, it would be so easy for me to be a doormat if I'm not one already. =P Which is why I have to take an initiative, I can't keep being no-conflict and settling. I can't, and I won't. This is the first step, usually I would just have let it go. But this time, it honestly was a misunderstanding, I can see where I misunderstood him, and sometimes in the heat of the moment I skim the IMs or read them only once and don't realize for days that I've misread them.

He makes me honestly, sincerely happy most of the time. As long as he makes me happy, I'll stay with him. It's as simple as that. It's happy or not, stay or go, there doesn't need to be uncomfortable compromise or him limiting me. I need to stay in that mindset, of taking a good look at everything to see if this is actually making me happy or if he's somehow convinced me it is.

P.S. I really appreciate you guys being so speculative and not just telling me you hope it'll work out. You really encourage me to take a good look at things for what they are and not just blame it on the fact that I'm paranoid.

[Zephii]

I'm sorry to be negative, but him even speculating that he might move in with his ex for any reason would ring alarm bells for me. I don't see anyone who's heart is caught up with someone else even thinking moving in with an ex should still be an option But it's great that you are both so completely honest with each other, that is a really good sign. I'm glad that you're feeling better about everything

[Alisz]

Speaking from experience, I would seriously think about what this guy means to you. Are you happy with your relationship and how he treats you? Don't make excuses for him and don't settle. Trust me. Thinking about it in a 3rd person point of view might make things clear. What would you tell a good friend if they told you what you just told us?

Also, some other food for thought that I'm sure you've thought about and maybe even told him... He was willing to plan a year in the future with/for 'Ana,' so why won't he make the same sort of plans with you?

I'm really sorry, but he sounds like bad news and I'd hate to see you get even more hurt. Knowing what I know now, if I were you I would pose a break from the relationship and see how things go. He doesn't sound like he's ready to be in a relationship and perhaps being friends might give him some perspective. What's that saying? "You don't know what you've got till it's gone."

I would rather lose him now and have a year to get over it before that blow hits. There’s a chance of course that he will fall for me totally and not want her back, but I doubt that I am good enough for that.

*hugs* Don't put yourself down. This relationship you're in is destructive and it's making you insecure and paranoid. He might not respect you, but respect yourself. You're better than him because you're at least being honest! ^^ I know it's cliche to say, but it really is his loss. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me ^^

[Veiled_Dreamer]

I'm sorry to be negative, but him even speculating that he might move in with his ex for any reason would ring alarm bells for me. I don't see anyone who's heart is caught up with someone else even thinking moving in with an ex should still be an option But it's great that you are both so completely honest with each other, that is a really good sign. I'm glad that you're feeling better about everything

Yeah. I was really not okay with that when I thought it was her going out there and definitely moving in. It's not like that and they don't talk about their future any more at all, because he's already told me nothing can happen for them since she has a boyfriend (yeah right that's serious, all the stuff she posts on Tumblr about faith for the future... I know Ana personally and I want her to be happy, I wish she'd just be happy with the boy she has in her arms now instead of pining for something that's ended). But if it starts to move to planning, tangible planning, haha, I'm out of there. I am stupid and a hopeless romantic when it comes to things like this, but if he says, Hey! I'm going to out looking for an apartment for when Ana moves down here. Yeahno. Jenna's done.

Also, some other food for thought that I'm sure you've thought about and maybe even told him... He was willing to plan a year in the future with/for 'Ana,' so why won't he make the same sort of plans with you?

Because he loved Ana once, in a way he doesn't love me, and they had every intention to work out, but they didn't. They were a thing for I don't even know how long. We've only been "together" for like four months or so, I don't really think I can expect him to be all about us thinking literally 3+ years into the future, which is what it would be for us.

And the "You don't know what you've got til it's gone," that's my next decision if we have another fight of this sort or if we can't work it out and settle things. He and I are so honest with each other, I would honestly just tell him, Look, I'm going to be leaving for a while and we can still talk or whatever, but you and I need to think of what we mean to each other. Because, you know, he does a lot of things for me that take real effort and forethought, so I know I'm not the only one trying.

Also, I had all this anxiety crap a long time before he and I were even flirting. But I need to figure out if this is making it better or worse, I ultimately need to do what's best for me. I need to stop thinking of what's best for us or the future or whatever else, I need it to be what's best for me and what's best for me now.

Also also XD, the question everyone's been asking. Yes, I believe I'm happy. I've been thinking a lot more about it lately. I'm glad that I have him in my life and he makes me happy right now, but I think I need to be more susceptible to the idea that I am happy now but maybe one day I won't be, and if I'm unhappy, there is no reason to stay with him when I could be looking for someone that makes me happy. You know? So yes, I am happy with him most of the time. I am happy with him now and I was before our fight, we had a wonderful two months of no serious fighting. But I definitely can't make excuses fo him, I can't. I have to look out for Jenna first and foremost.