Help- Trying to decide whether to end LDR

[amari77]

Hey...I really could use some help from someone who knows what it's like to be in an LDR. So the backround of the situation is that I've been with my SO for about 4 months, but we've known each other for 12 years, since college. He was the pursuer- he wanted to date me back then but I wasn't into it. Anyway, I live on the east coast, and he's on a scientific research ship currently based in the Pacific. He's originally from the west coast and wants to stay there. I'm stuck on the east coast right now because I'm in school for nursing. I'll be here at least another year and a half. He's put a lot of effort and time into advancement in the maritime profession, so he wants to continue working on boats for a long time. We're able to see each other about every 2 months, for a week at a time. When his career advances, he will be on land for 2-3 months, and at sea for 2-3 months. Basically, if I want to have a future with him, I will ALWAYS be in a LDR. For as long as he works on boats.

We have a very nice relationship, we're compatible and there are no issues really (yet)- except for his job. I've been as supportive as I can, not complaining. I've had to rearrange my life a bit to accomodate his job and time off. The time difference, and the hours he works make it difficult to find times to talk. He's not allowed to use Skype. His job gives him a hard time and he's stressed out about it, and wants to get off the boat he's on right now. His ideas about what he'll do change every 3 days, and it's getting hard to keep up. He recently mentioned to me that he was thinking of taking a land job on the west coast for a year, and I got very upset. For one thing, he doesn't discuss his ideas with me as if whatever he does will not affect my life- which it does. The last time he got shore leave, I flew to see him so that he wouldn't have to fly 18 hours to see me. I was supposed to see my grandparents that week, but I went to see him instead. I also missed three classes. AND I got really, really sick after the trip and have been out of work for 3 weeks. I made the choice to go, but still. The point is, what he's doing impacts my life. He doesn't seem to realize this. Everything he talks about is what will work for him, what he wants, and when he has time to see me. It's as if I'm just waiting here for him to dictate what will happen next. I know I'm painting him as inconsiderate- I don't think it's deliberate, and his plans always include wanting to see me more. But seeing me more isn't necessarily the only way he could include me in his life.

I know that most people in LDRs have something to look forward to- some eventual point where it will be over. I don't have that with this guy. I hate being in an LDR and see no drama or romance in it- it's just annoying and frustrating to me. I'm not getting much by way of other fulfillment- he usually only calls me on break from work- 15 min at the most, or after work when he's tired. I don't think I could EVER love someone enough to put up with this for very long, but with him, it'll be for as long as he's working. What happens if I want a house or kids? I'm 33 years old...I can't have kids with someone who's gone for 2-3 months at a time.

On the other hand, I'm falling for him, and I know I'm getting scared because of it. But I know these concerns are legitimate.

He told me this week that he was thinking of taking a land job for a year, working with his mother, on the west coast. This really upset me. For one thing, it was the way he said it, as if his plans don't have any affect on anyone else (me). For another, there are land jobs where I live. In fact his uncle, who lives less than 2 hours away from me, owns fishing boats and would hire him- but he claims he doesn't want to work with family! I think the real reason is that he wants to be on the west coast. Which I can't blame him for, but I'd only be asking a year or two of his life to be here. He's already made it plain he wants to end up on the west coast, and I've already made it plain I'd be willing to uproot my entire life and leave everyone behind to move somewhere I'd have no family and no friends, just to be closer- even though he'll be at sea half the year anyway!
Basically, everything is a priority but me, and I just don't think he has room in his life right now for someone who is at least 3000 miles away at all times. Even being on the west coast is more of a priority. And what's more, he doesn't seem to want to make room. It doesn't matter what coast he's on. But I'll be in nursing school and I need my in-state tuition. I don't understand why he couldn't stay here for a year or two. He has family here, he knows a few people.
I don't want to be below someone's career on the priority list. Or a geographical location. And I don't want to be in an LDR forever. But I really care about this guy and I don't want to be with anyone else, ever. I know I'm not telling you the good stuff, but I'd be writing all night. There's plenty of good stuff and he does care about me a lot. He does try. He's just not trying enough.
I've been trying to talk to him, but he's been saying he's busy at work. The time difference is 6 hours so by the time he gets done with work, it's time for me to sleep. He's definitely avoiding me, though. I wrote him a really heartfelt, sweet message on facebook yesterday, and no response. Not a word. Not even a "I'll call you later". I don't know. Thinking of dumping him is making me sick, but I don't want to get deeper into this if it's all going to end up in the toilet anyway.
Advice? I definitely need some help.
Thanks for reading,
amanda

[Laura024]

It sounds like you're putting all you can into this relationship, but his career is where his effort is. Your futures aren't compatible. If he won't truly listen and respond to you, and if he won't do much to make sure you two are together, why should you keep this up? I understand you really like him, which makes this situation so difficult. But you can't wait forever for something that is probably not going to change. You deserve a man who will do anything to make it work.

[LadyMarchHare]

It sounds like he's made his life's ambitions around one person--himself--and he has yet to open his eyes that the 'me' is a 'we' now. Like Laura said, you're on two different paths, you hold two different ideals and you don't want the life of someone who only gets a couple months here and there with their SO for all eternity. He's being career-orientated, you're being relationship orientated. At this point I doubt you could sway him. Heck even you leaving might not phase him much if at all, it's hard to say. But really I'm not seeing more good to outweigh the bad here so I'm afraid I will have to give the opinion it's best if you go while the LDR is still young.

[Kika]

I would be open with him, talk about your feelings and your future and if you can't see any, I would end it up with him

[Karringtyn]

Be upfront and tell him how you feel.

If you get into this too much further it is going to be much much worse. LDR's are hard..soo hard. You have to be in it 100 percent and it doesn't seem like he is able to be...you have lots to talk about...I wish you luck.

And remember we will always be here to listen!

[amari77]

Thanks for feedback everyone. We still haven't talked...he sent me a message on facebook back today and said he would call me tomorrow, that today at work was too stressful and he needed to 'unwind'. He didn't respond to any of the nice, sappy stuff I wrote to him yesterday. It had a sort of oblivious tone to it, although I think I'd mentioned that the last two days have sucked (I've been thinking about breaking up with him), and he was like, "I'm sorry your last two days were so bad, that sucks." Maybe it's not totally coming across in electronic space just how upset I am. He's not very good in writing, anyway. He's just not. I really, really don't want to break up with him, although I hear what you all are saying. Plus, I hate the idea of going back to being single again. That's a pretty depressing thought. It's so depressing that I'd almost rather try to stick this out. I'm not saying that's the only reason I would! I mean, that's the thing...you find someone who cares about you and it's really a good thing...this guy's liked me so long and he's really a sweet, genuinely good person. It would be so stupid, and piss me off so much, to just toss out a good thing with a good guy over a JOB. I mean, what an absolutely absurd reason to break up with someone. I know that there's more to it than that, but you know what I mean? It's not like breaking up with someone for cheating or being a jerk, which are legitimate break up reasons....it's a job. I don't know...I just don't know. I will try to talk to him and see what happens. I don't think it's fair to make a decision before I tell him how I feel and we talk....right? I should at least hear his side and he should at least know why I'm upset. Anyway thanks for the advice...it's this waiting and not talking to him that's really getting to me.

[faith5x5nomore]

I hope this doesn't offend you but your not 23, your at an age in your life where thinking about the bigger picture should be a major roll in your decision making. I wouldn't want to see you put your life on hold year after year and then realize that you passed up the chance at starting a family. If it's just about liking the guy, Walk away... You will find someone else and yes single life sucks but you might just find yourself the one your really supposed to share your life with. If you love him and really can't picture life without him then you need to tell him that you need to have goals so you know that your working together on having a life as a couple. It sounds like up till this point he has been pretty selfish and now its your turn to tell him what its is that you want !!!

[Micah]

I think that letting him know that you are on board to dropping everything and moving to the west coast gives him the assumption that he can make his plans and do whatever in the meantime until you get there. He has the impression that you are going to ultimately follow him wherever he goes, so that gives him the upper hand in making plans. He may not be including you because he just has that assumption that you are cool with it since you will eventually be there. From the looks of it, you have been super accommodating to him, so that is what he is used to. Now he is taking advantage of it, which isn't fair to you. Also, when it comes to careers, sometimes guys have one track minds. You have only been together 4 months, so maybe he just isn't in the place that you are with the relationship and the future. Showing him that you want to be included in the decision making process is very important. It is important to lay the groundwork now so that he doesn't keep taking advantage of you.

I say if you have doubts about breaking up with him that you should not do it. Also, if you are thinking of breaking up with him, then you should talk to him about this exactly. I find that sometimes when a relationship is put on the line and the man is made known that you are considering exiting, the man steps up and makes up for all the crap he put you through. If he really doesn't want to lose you, he will step up. If he doesn't step up, then he's not worth it! You need to talk to him before it's too late, and then perhaps you can save the relationship and make your desires clear and respected. Relationships should ideally be about compromising.If he is not willing to meet you halfway and consider your needs, then it is obvious that you are not going to be happy in the end because the pattern will keep repeating.