A Day that Sucks and My Guy Just...Didn't Bother

[Lunar Snow]

Ughhh! Bad day!

The entire daytime was spent going over my student loan information and feeling kind of desperate and desolate about it, because I certainly cannot afford to make the payments right now with the combination of being on call sporadically and also being too unwell. Then, the student loan stuff sparked this huge fight with my Dad, where my Mom stepped in and then they had a huge fight and all three of us had another fight. All of this exacerbated two conditions I am dealing with (it's not diagnosed, but I do think I am and have been dealing with some form of depression, and I have a digestive condition and any sort of stress makes me feel massively ill. Sorry if that is a TMI)

Though I don't really want to say what my job is or my projected job is, I will say that I am in an educational field. I have two degrees. I may have the gift of looking quite youthful and petite, but I do believe that I carry myself well, I work hard and am competent, and really have earned being treated respectfully and professionally. Someone affiliated with where I am working phoned me up and kind of pressured me into doing some unrelated group childcare for the evening and promised me a certain rate. It wasn't what I wanted to be doing or want to be doing, but I need the money and I thought I would give the experience a chance. Well, not only did some (not all--some were really cool) the parents talk to me like I was fourteen and inexperienced, but at the end of the night two of the parents stiffed me on any pay at all. This included the guy whose house the children came to. He made me feel really uncomfortable in the first place, but I had to wait around there for my ride to come and we were having conversations about sustainability and bike paths and bears...which were okay, but I got some seriously creepy vibes from him and didn't want to be waiting there with him. Out of nowhere, he asks me if I felt okay with what I was paid (I hadn't actually counted it, because I felt it was rather tacky, mistrusting, and unprofessional to do so in front of everyone) and...well, long story short, but he said he hadn't paid me and made no offer to pay me (even after he made me count my pay in front of him). I do not want to do that ever again! Who does that to people (like some of these people did to me)?

What does that have to do with my LDR?
My beau and I had rescheduled our TV date (we haven't had one in...well...I would say 2.5 weeks and we are badly in need of one) to tentatively tonight. I get home and go on Skype and mention to him that I am losing my voice a bit and that it was a little late, so I suggested that we do some typing to each other and do the show the next day. I still...really, really felt like I needed to share with him about my day and have him comfort me. Yet, he says he is at work STILL and not only agrees we should have our date tomorrow, but really kept insisting that he wanted to keep plugging away at his work project to get it finished for Monday. It's just so strange, because he never works so late (or, if he does, he takes it home to work on and the latest he's ever left work before is 7pm his time and that is certainly later than the average)--last I talked to him, it was almost 1am his time and I think he is still at it. He does set his own hours, but that is usually when he arrives in the mornings and the facility, I thought, closes at a certain time. He wouldn't respond to suggestions that he go in and finish it off tomorrow morning, etc. and kind of just dismissed me to go. Is everyone treating me like a doormat today? :'(

Man, I feel bad...all I want to do is eat everything bad in sight. I need a healing circle of hugs!

[LadyMarchHare]

They shorted you? Can they do that? I know the feeling a bit, apparently I still look very young or fairly at any rate and somehow come across as slow to some so I get mistreated. I know I'd be up the wall, across the ceiling, and down the other about that, I'd be furious if I was not only disrespected for something as asinine as appearance, but not paid as much as promised/should have been for it. Whoever got you into that needs to know what went down, that wasn't right.

As for your SO, I admit that's kinda cold if you told him you'd had a bad day and needed to talk and he brushed you off. A few minutes from work wasn't going to kill him, but then again I don't know what he does. All the same, though, five minutes of virtual hugs for you wouldn't hinder his workload and hey if he can multi-task even better. Maybe bring that up when you guys can talk without dividing attention? Not in an accusatory way, but just say it kinda hurt your feelings after all that crap was piled on you from the day and Mr. Creepo. Sorry about your day, hon, but at least it's over.

[Kika]

I'm sorry about that, but something tells me that he might have had a bad day too and needed to finish his work so that he can be fresh and supportive tomorrow (today). I hope I am right. I have a friend and she often needs my advice or just needs to talk when I have things to do, it stresses me out, I usually tell her off and then text her later when I am done

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm sorry about that, but something tells me that he might have had a bad day too and needed to finish his work so that he can be fresh and supportive tomorrow (today). I hope I am right. I have a friend and she often needs my advice or just needs to talk when I have things to do, it stresses me out, I usually tell her off and then text her later when I am done

If he had a bad day too, then he needs to learn to express such instead of using the method he did. That's a lack of communication, which is essential here. And not to pry, but if you're having a bad day, don't tell off your friends if you can help it. That creates bad feelings. Even if you have a temper you can work on saying "hey look there's stuff to be done" or "let me listen later" and then hang up/stop texting/whatever.

[mllebamako]

I agree with LadyMarchHare, he could have taken a couple of minutes to make you feel better. But I also wonder if you, Lunar Snow, REALLY communicated with him that it had been an awful day.
You said:

I get home and go on Skype and mention to him that I am losing my voice a bit and that it was a little late, so I suggested that we do some typing to each other and do the show the next day. I still...really, really felt like I needed to share with him about my day and have him comfort me.

Did you actually tell him that you had a bad day and needed a few minutes comfort? Communication is essential in LDRs especially because we don't have all the body language clues to read. People aren't mind readers and sometimes (often) they can't gather this kind of information from your voice or your typing.
If I am having a crappy day, I straight up start the conversations saying that and adding that I just need to hear his voice and have a little comfort right now. That way it's always clear what I want/need.

Sorry to hear that you were having a bad day. Hope the virtual hugs help! *big hug*

[Kika]

If he had a bad day too, then he needs to learn to express such instead of using the method he did. That's a lack of communication, which is essential here. And not to pry, but if you're having a bad day, don't tell off your friends if you can help it. That creates bad feelings. Even if you have a temper you can work on saying "hey look there's stuff to be done" or "let me listen later" and then hang up/stop texting/whatever.

Don't worry about me, I have bad days rarely, just plenty of stuff to do for school and work she often needs me to help her what to buy for her boyfriend etc, so I always tell her that I am doing this and this now and that I should be finished in an hour if she can wait and she agrees

and yes, there's a lack of communication, but to be honest, men aren't the best at expressing emotions, but they can still learn it

[LadyMarchHare]

Don't worry about me, I have bad days rarely, just plenty of stuff to do for school and work she often needs me to help her what to buy for her boyfriend etc, so I always tell her that I am doing this and this now and that I should be finished in an hour if she can wait and she agrees

and yes, there's a lack of communication, but to be honest, men aren't the best at expressing emotions, but they can still learn it

Ah, OK. My bad on that then.

And yeah guys have the communication problem, but seeing as how it's been a recurring issue I would have thought he'd have gotten the point by now. Guess some people take more effort than others when it comes to that.

[Karringtyn]

I know that sometimes I expect my love to just "know" that I need him....but he can't read my mind...If you didn't...be sure to come right out and say what you need from him....in LDR's you have to....

Hope your day today is MUCH better!

[purplepirate]

Did you actually tell him that you had a bad day and needed a few minutes comfort? Communication is essential in LDRs especially because we don't have all the body language clues to read. People aren't mind readers and sometimes (often) they can't gather this kind of information from your voice or your typing.

I think this is a very important point. In a LDR, we have to be a little bit more explicit with what's going on in our heads. If I have a bad day, my posture, my gestures, and my facial expressions all show it. However, my partner gets to see none of that during a text exchange or a phone call. So when I have a bad day, I start off our conversation with something like, "I've had a bad day." He cues in to that, and immediately responds to where I'm at, making me feel validated and heard. I actually think this is teaching both of us some valuable communication strategies, and we're learning how to depend on communication, rather than the art of mind reading, as we build our relationship.

[Lunar Snow]

Hey, thanks for the replies.

It's funny that my posts lately have been sparking some continued discussion and debate, but that can be interesting, too. It's true that I could have done a better job in clearly stating I had a bad day, though I didn't entirely leave him in the dark, either. We have talked more about what happened today (mostly the work-related stuff) and I decided to just let it go after I started letting go of some of my own stress (I could see that he was really eager to please with the project he is working on, because the scope of his job has been changed from not just computer programming to also participating in the collection an application of field research) and we started laughing together.

Over all, though, I would like to be able to preface conversations sometimes with "I've had a bad day" (and, if we are on the phone, even if I don't say it, he gets it out of me--there is something to voice intonation, too). Lately (although sometimes in the past), I have been sort of nervous about off-loading too much of my worries on him. I should be able to, but he still comes out some snarky/ inconsiderate comments sometimes (although, is pretty much understanding and sympathetic the rest of the time). Today, for instance, I was telling him that I have an important doctor's appointment in a few weeks that I have been waiting for for a long time, but that I had been left a message that a woman from work wanted to call me out for work on the same day. I did sort of know what I planned to do about it myself anyway, but I wanted to hear his opinion, too. It was fine, until he added something like "You should call her back, because it might just be that she has some long-term extended opportunity for you that is much more interesting and exciting than just the plain, old on-call work you have been doing." D': Okay, not that I had talked to him about all the fights with the parents or the student loan stuff today, but I have in the past and he knows that the on-call work is sporadic, at best, and giving me experience in a niche that is hard to get into right now. I can see that he was hoping for something better for me, but it also negated what I have been doing. Or, let's see...I know this is maybe embarrassing at my age, but I can't drive yet. In high school, I didn't have a need to learn, since I could walk everywhere relatively quickly. At university, I was too busy studying other things and working, well provided for by an awesome public transit system, and also couldn't afford a car or car insurance. Now, yes, I have been dragging my heels, but we have this ridiculous graduated licensing system that goes on forever and my family cannot afford to pay for the lessons, so I am stuck practising with them in rather old cars and have had some scary experiences right off the bat. Ultimately, I do feel embarrassed that I am not driving, it is a pain in the butt getting around here (home) where the public transit is really spotty and call-outs necessitate me getting a ride with the parents, and I lack the freedom to get around on my own and get away. I know it sucks. I already have everyone in my family harping on me about it and then we keep hitting the same, old problems. He knows about the situation and generally seems glad to drive around anyway, if we are together (and was fine on the bus when we were at my university). The other day, he said something that was something to the implication of if I am around the house so much (which is because I need to be around for my call-outs and I have been really unwell...), then I could at least be learning to drive "finally." It has some truth to it, but it doesn't do anything for making me feel comfortable in confiding in him.

Anyway, it's almost 3am and I am going on like this. He isn't a monster, either. I do think that he can say things without thinking sometimes and that facet of his mannerisms has gone down quite a bit over the course of our relationship, but now I do feel snapped at for sharing sometimes more again, lately (wow...syntax weird...bed good). It might be that his parents or his friends are asking after me and he's sort of getting the backfire from them about what I should and shouldn't be doing? Or that *big yawn*

[LadyMarchHare]

I actually can relate to the not wanting to unload on your SO subject as I keep plenty of things in, but recently I decided to keep a Livejournal for my complaints/worries/general shenanigans when he's away and gave him access so he knows what's going on with me and can address them if need be. He gains the knowledge on his own time, I don't feel like I keep things.

As for your SO, while he's most certainly not a monster, those comments and attitude need to be pointed out and nipped in the bud. That's not fair to you to be subconsciously treated like a child or have him make the wrong comment even if it's with good intent deep down. He needs to be made aware of and consciously work on this flaw as, to me, it's seriously unattractive. It obviously hurts you, why should you put up with it? And don't worry, I don't have my license either. I haven't been behind the wheel since January of 08.