What to do?

[grayson]

I have been in my LDR for almost 2 years. We actually met and dated in high school back in 1996. We broke up then, and ever since have been on and off for the past 14 years. He is the only one who has ever truly had my heart, and who I can honestly say I have ever truly loved.

We are now in an LDR because he took employment in another state back in 2004, when we were in one of our 'off' times. He has been there ever since. I live where we both started out.

We do well most days. We know we want to be together now - no more on again, off again. We don't really have an end point because in order for me to move anywhere I'd either have to give up my kids, or fight a huge, expensive court battle that I may not win anyways. He is single, never been married - has no kids. He could move back here...if he was so inclined.

I have gotten to a point where I am tired of feeling like I am the only one willing to put into the relationship. My birthday was at the beginning of October, and he didn't come up here - did really nothing for it. At all. I did not even get a card.

He doesn't like to travel, he says. Even though his family and old friends are all still up here too. I finally let him know how upset i was after what he did for my birthday.

I am starting to feel like I am making excuses for his crappy behavior, like I have in past relationships that obviously, never worked out. Relationships take 2, which is what I said to him. Im not sure what else I could do or say to really let him know how close I am to ending it. I'd rather be single than continue to deal with someone who I know cares, but seems way too involved in himself and his wants to really be active in our relationship.

I want to work on it but I am not really sure where to start. I know I need to communicate, instead of always acting like everything is okay when really I am hurt. And I don't know if some of it is just that point people in LDR's hit a few times per year where they get upset because they really wish the other person could be there. Some days I get frustrated that I am always flying solo even though I am 'attached'.

I thought about us coming up with a travel calendar and he's never really said anything about it. So is he just waiting for me to take the steps and tell him what's going on? I know a lot of even married guys who would just rather be told what's going on and when - so they can just show up. They're not so much into the planning, lol.

I guess I'm looking for ideas and possibly some advice.

Thanks.

grayson

[LadyMarchHare]

2 years is a long time to be doing something supposedly one-sided. He knows your situation, I would hope, and knows you can't be the one to move. Hell, I'd be adamant about it if it meant losing my kids.

Question though, did he know when your birthday was and did you ask him to do anything for it? Had he done anything in previous years? I think right now you need to write a long letter/e-mail listing everything that's hurt you that he's done, how it hurt you, and make suggestions on how you can work on it together if he's willing because a relationship is a team effort. If he's not willing to change his ways or work on anything, then I'd say that's the time to set him free as you don't need the heartache or the stress. You are right in saying you need to communicate more as no one is a mind reader and you can't put expectations on someone and they not know they're expected to do something. You need to shove the reins in his hands now and again, make him do the grunt work and take the initiative because he's a grown man, he can't expect everything done for him.

Good luck to you and hopefully you can salvage your relationship and he'll come around.

[faith5x5nomore]

I don't know how you do it because I am at my wits end with being in a one sided relationship and it hasn't even been close to two years. If you find anything that works let me know because I am out of ideas...

[NikkiP]

Question though, did he know when your birthday was and did you ask him to do anything for it? Had he done anything in previous years?

I definitely agree that you need to communicate to him how you are feeling. I assume after 14 years he would know when your birthday is. What was his response when you told him how you felt about him essentially missing your birthday?

Yeah, you really have no shot at him fixing things if he doesn't know what's broken. *hugs*

[KyleTheMan]

One-sided relationships? I'm painfully familiar with them. Nothing has worked so far and we've only been together for 6 months. I wish i had some good advice but like with faith5x5nomore, nothing i've tried has worked and i've tried a lot. I've given her so many gifts (one including a camera she never used), love letters she ignores and so much. She even ignored my birthday. Haha, all i got was a half-hearted "Oh yeah! Happy birthday.". XD

[Moon]

I'm going to focus in on the fact that you have two kids, and you can't leave your state to live somewhere else. Your SO knows this, and is unwilling to compromise, and there's nothing you can do about it. If you're stuck and he isn't willing to come to you, I'm very sorry to say, but I don't think there's a solution here. I assume it'll be quite a long while until your youngest turns 18, are you really willing to be in an LDR that long?

When you have an SO unwilling to sacrifice anything, and expects you to do all the compromising, even in situations where you can't, it really may be time to move on. Yes, you love him, I know, but how will you ever be together? He doesn't sound very invested in your relationship, especially when he has to actually put some of the work in himself. You have to ask yourself if this is really worth it to you and consider your answers very carefully. You can't move and he won't move, where do you go from there? Good luck to you.

[Talent_2]

I was in a one sided relationship for 9 years (CDR) and i became so unhappy and depressed during the last few years that i was just a shell of myself. I eventually gave up trying and walked away, it was the hardest thing i ever did considering i was with him since i was 15, i didnt even know who i was without him but you know what? I am a much better, happier person because i did one thing and that was to follow my heart and do what was best for me.

I tell you this because i think personally you need to put yourself first hun! Work out what is best for you and do it! it will be hard but in the end you'll be glad you did!

Good luck hun *hugs*

Stay strong

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm going to focus in on the fact that you have two kids, and you can't leave your state to live somewhere else. Your SO knows this, and is unwilling to compromise, and there's nothing you can do about it. If you're stuck and he isn't willing to come to you, I'm very sorry to say, but I don't think there's a solution here. I assume it'll be quite a long while until your youngest turns 18, are you really willing to be in an LDR that long?

When you have an SO unwilling to sacrifice anything, and expects you to do all the compromising, even in situations where you can't, it really may be time to move on. Yes, you love him, I know, but how will you ever be together? He doesn't sound very invested in your relationship, especially when he has to actually put some of the work in himself. You have to ask yourself if this is really worth it to you and consider your answers very carefully. You can't move and he won't move, where do you go from there? Good luck to you.

Good points. It's always tougher with kids involved and it sounds like he's being one himself by wanting everything done for him or having someone else do it instead of him. The kid issue is one thing you CANNOT compromise on, and if he won't let up, a goodbye's in order.

[grayson]

What is interesting to me, and I forgot to type, is that I have communicated through email. I have told him what my intentions are, how I feel, etc. He has not responded most of the time. The last email I sent him was because he kept bringing up him buying a house and at the time of him bringing it up I thought it was just conversation so I really didn't say much in return. After he left and I thought about it, I realized he was probably trying to get at something, especially since he kept bringing it up. Ever since I sent the email in mid september, I haven't heard him say one word about buying a house now.

He knows I will never leave my kids. I am also in the middle of a major career change, so for at least the next 3 years I will remain here anyways due to my education goals. That will then put my kids at 15, 14 and 8. I never made any demands on him - just told him where I stand with us, how I feel about him and us, and my intentions and goals for my future. He never really responded.

I did tell him I would CONSIDER moving to him, but I never said I would for sure. And definitely not any time soon.

My work schedule has become chaotic, as I work 3 jobs and go to school, on top of being a single mother. So I have very little time suddenly to travel to see him. He has come up here quite a few times, but most of those times are for other people and things - he just fits me in somewhere. This much I have also brought up to him when he barely acknowledged my birthday this year. No card, no nothing - barely a 10 minute phone call and a 'happy birthday' post on facebook.

As of late, I am really excited about my career change and I am loving my class so I have not really given much more thought to any of this stuff. I have said what I needed and wanted to say and gotten no response. In the past he has said "well you never said you wanted a response". Do I need to ask for one, when the very act of writing an email with such serious subject matter in it should probably be a good indicator that one should respond?! He could not have read that entire email and had absolutely no response to anything afterward.

He is a very difficult person to handle a lot of times. I have slowly just said what i need to say and left it alone. If its meant to be it will be no matter what i do or don't do. Like, when I told him I planned to book the vacation we were going to take back in 2009 that I had to cancel - I plan to book it in April 2011 for a week in oct 2011. He comes back with "i am not promising to have the money saved up to go". My response? "I am going with or without you." Nothing has been said since, though he did say a few weeks later when I told him I was pissed at him for the whole birthday deal "You are definitely capable of keeping me in line as I am a very difficult person to understand and deal with." Not really sure what that was supposed to mean, but I can guess I suppose. I do what I have to/want to do, and either he comes along or he doesn't. I'm pretty sure at this point he's finally gotten that hint. I wait for no one and I am certainly not going to ask permission. I have been in too many relationships where that was the requirement and I won't do it anymore.

I do love him, but I have to say I am getting more distant by the day due to his taking me and our relationship for granted. Or at least, his lack of real involvement or response to anything sure makes it seem that way. It's hard enough for me to open up and communicate and then to get no response in return most of the time only makes it worse.

Not really sure when or how to bring it all up and lay it all out there without making him feel attacked. I have also already told him that relationships are two way streets and that I won't settle for anything less in any relationship I choose to be in anymore. Again, no response. hmmmmm.

[Tanja]

My work schedule has become chaotic, as I work 3 jobs and go to school, on top of being a single mother.

Wow, I do not know how you can do all this... You're just amazing!

I'm sorry for sounding harsh but I think this relationship is not evolving at all, it's come to a halt and won't move on mostly because he seems to be uninterested to communicate with you and pay attention to you on (even on your birthday!). That's quite unforgivable IMO, especially since you've known him for 14 years, he definitely knows when your b-day is...

Him not responding to your emails and attempts to talk about this issue clearly indicates that he's just plain lazy and ignorant, he's not willing to work to make things better, he hasn't talked about moving to you (which by now should've been out in the open!) esp when he knows you've got kids and can't really move. He's just waiting for you to handle everything and go to him without making any kind of attempt to plan your future together WITH you.

You need to ask yourself is this what you really want? Are you willing to fight for this man and this relationship for as long as it takes even if it might take years? Are you willing to sacrifice your dreams and kids by trying to move there? Do you want to be treated this way and do all the work alone?

A lot depends on your answers... I hope you can figure out what to do with your life because right now I don't think you're nearly as happy as you could be.

[agentholli]

I know how you feel. I have been feeling the same way lately with mine. It sucks to have these feelings. I am sorry. I would hope that he knows the situation with you and your kids and not make you move away from them. whatever you do, don't give up your kids for a man. I know a lady who did..and she is really really depressed..like in a hospital depressed.

I agree with what Tanja said, all of it.

I am sorry, i wish i had better advice for you, but know you aren't alone.

[paulawriteslove]

I think that you definitely need to talk to your SO and tell them exactly how you're feeling! There are some things that you two should work out. Best of luck!