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"Can They Last?" -- blog

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    #1

    "Can They Last?" -- blog

    So I was perusing the internet, as I often do, and I went to a blog I read from time to time called Luv'Em or Leave'Em. Most of the time, I roll my eyes because a lot of it is "why won't he marry meeeeeeee?" from women who, when detailing their relationships, are clearly in situations they should have left ages ago. (Not abusive ones, I know from personal experience how hard it is to get out of those, but relationships that are truly one-sided, and the guys all sound rather deadbeat.)

    But today, this was the entry.

    Any thoughts?

    Additionally, the first commenter (way at the bottom, as the comments show starting with the newest) said LDRs were for the young and optimistic. Now, I know that there are a good many ladies and gents of LFAD who are further on in years than the average aged user--and I don't believe you have to be in your late teens or early twenties to make it work. But I'd like your thoughts on all of this, nevertheless.

    If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion...love actually is all around
    Tags: None
    #2
    This might sound a little bad but seeing how I am 35 years old. I think I would handle being in a long distance relationship better if I was younger. Now I know i'm not exactly over the hill or anything but at this stage I would just like to be settled down in my life. Sometimes there is the voice speaking in the back of my head that says what if this doesn't work out. The thought of starting all over really sucks. It's not that I don't know that a 20yr old cant have the same thoughts but with having kids and a career that I am walking away from or atleast starting all over again with a career, I just feel worn down. That's just my take on it...

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      #3
      Originally posted by faith5x5nomore View Post
      This might sound a little bad but seeing how I am 35 years old. I think I would handle being in a long distance relationship better if I was younger. Now I know i'm not exactly over the hill or anything but at this stage I would just like to be settled down in my life. Sometimes there is the voice speaking in the back of my head that says what if this doesn't work out. The thought of starting all over really sucks. It's not that I don't know that a 20yr old cant have the same thoughts but with having kids and a career that I am walking away from or atleast starting all over again with a career, I just feel worn down. That's just my take on it...
      I'm 40, but I'm the opposite I feel like I have the patience, understanding and even a really, really small amount of wisdom that I didn't have when I was younger. I mean, it took me 38 loooong years to find this guy, now that I have I just gotta ride it out a little while longer. I guess I don't mind waiting because IF I'm the one who moves to another country, I want to be damn sure it's the right decision. After a year and a half, we're pretty settled into our LDR and are fine with it for now. It might not be an ideal situation, but it's our situation. That blog is dead wrong, seeing as I'm old and pessimistic
      Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

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        #4
        Yeah - I am with Moon on this one. My SO & I actually did the long distance thing when I was 19, and although I knew then that I loved him, at 19 I was nowhere near ready to settle down and still hadn't fine tuned the coping skills needed to maintain that sort of relationship. As a 32 year old, I feel better equipped emotionally to deal with this relationship. I think the difficulties are with the fact that at my age, with a career and chid and a settled life, the decisions to be made seem more complicated than when you are young and unencumbered by life itself.

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          #5
          Originally posted by blankita719 View Post
          Yeah - I am with Moon on this one. My SO & I actually did the long distance thing when I was 19, and although I knew then that I loved him, at 19 I was nowhere near ready to settle down and still hadn't fine tuned the coping skills needed to maintain that sort of relationship. As a 32 year old, I feel better equipped emotionally to deal with this relationship. I think the difficulties are with the fact that at my age, with a career and chid and a settled life, the decisions to be made seem more complicated than when you are young and unencumbered by life itself.
          Totally agree with Blankita. At 45, I'm more than able to cope with the demands of communication, trust and intimacy but with my own business to run and with two growing sons I can't just up and leave. If I were young and unemcumbered I would already be living in the States with him.

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            #6
            I completely agree with the mature women! There is no way I could have handled an LDR younger than 40 (I was a late bloomer). I'm more secure, I have my own life to keep me busy, and I have an understanding of myself and my needs so I can express them to him, so he isn't left guessing. I am with Moon, patience and understanding!

            Everything I know, and anywhere I go, It gets hard but it won't take away my love,
            And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done, It gets hard but it won't take away my love

            sigpic

            Me without Him is like Son of Beast without the loop.

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              #7
              Oh I have been told many many times that my LDR won't work because I'm young and don't know what I want (just turned 19), but in fact I know exactly what I want. I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years before this one, and I even moved in with him before he left. It showed me exactly what I wanted and did not want in a man, and also showed me that I am not ready to settle down and move in with someone just yet. Having an LDR with my SO is great because by the time we are able to be together, I think I will have gained the skills and experience to be able to live with someone again.

              We started going out only 3 weeks before we left for school, but the connection between us was so intense that we both decided we wanted to do this. We both put in equal amounts of effort in seeing each other and making time for one another, and we have a long term plan to close the distance. We may be young, but I think it helps because we can be crazy and spontaneous without being tied down to jobs or kids.

              Comment

                #8
                I think it depends where you are with kids and having a family. If you really want kids (and don't have them yet) then I think it would be harder to be in a long distance relationship as 30+ years old. There would be a lot more pressure to quickly close the distance so you could have children and raise them together!
                So besides the comments, I think the article gives pretty good advice. It will definitely make your relationship easier if you can keep yourself busy and if you aren't really jealous. And I do agree with them about the importance of having a plan. Of course there are many people who make it work without a concrete plan for the future, but for me, I really need this kind of plan to look forward to.
                I was in an LDR before this one and I think that is one of the main reasons it didn't work (we also just weren't completely in love): we had no idea when/if we could ever close the distance. That stressed me out incredibly and I felt a lot of pressure to make a plan.

                I know many of you on here don't have concrete plans for closing the distance. Don't let me discourage you! I think these are all just guidelines in what makes an LDR easier but just because you don't have one, doesn't mean it can't work.

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                  #9
                  I'm young, and yes, there has been doubts, there has been arguments, but its working, and we are both coping well enough with it. We have plans of what we'd like to do in the future and they work for both for both us- so We'll stick to them. I don't think you need to be older to cope with a LDR. I think it depends on your character - whether you are suited for a LDR or not.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by Dauntedpoet View Post
                    I completely agree with the mature women! There is no way I could have handled an LDR younger than 40 (I was a late bloomer). I'm more secure, I have my own life to keep me busy, and I have an understanding of myself and my needs so I can express them to him, so he isn't left guessing. I am with Moon, patience and understanding!
                    Hey!! Who are you calling mature???
                    Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

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                      #11
                      I don't think it matters so much about age, but more about personality and circumstance. Younger or older, we each have our own set of hurdles to jump over. When you're young, you don't have the financial means to make it easier, and when you're older, you have heaps of responsibilities piled on that you can't walk away from, and we've all got everything in between! I think that's what makes this forum unique and wonderful, we all get it and we all can help each other. I've seen so many articles saying on both sides how LDR's don't work, but we all know that's not necessarily the case None of us would put ourselves through this if we didn't think it would work!
                      Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

                      Comment

                        #12
                        I agree with Moon in this! My BF isn't in his twenties anymore and he's quite fine with the situation. I'm 21 and I'm fine with the LDR, too. The age is just a number! If you want to make it work and the circumstances are right, you probably will make it work.
                        How lucky I am to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard!

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                          #13
                          great article! I like the way she writes...
                          NY to Texas Married on...August 17th, 2013

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                            #14
                            I'm only 17 and my guy is 19 and we've been doing the long distance thing for a while, though there was indeed a point where we faltered when i was around 14 where we were basically losing hope on ever meeting. We didn't have a concrete plan then as we were both in school and neither of us had the means of making any money for visits. We thought we wouldn't be able to meet till we'd finished school, which was 4 more years away. We made it through though and met for the first time this summer, and now our concrete plan is to move together next year when i go to university.
                            I don't think age really affects an LDR. It really is personality. I am alot more mature than most people my age, but that is mainly due to the sheer amount of responsibilities i've had as a child. I gave up my childhood very early to help my disabled parents look after my younger brothers and sisters. I think i'd rather do the long distance now though rather than in my 30s or 40s because by then I want to have had my family and be happily settled into a career.

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                              #15
                              Originally posted by faith5x5nomore View Post
                              This might sound a little bad but seeing how I am 35 years old. I think I would handle being in a long distance relationship better if I was younger. Now I know i'm not exactly over the hill or anything but at this stage I would just like to be settled down in my life. Sometimes there is the voice speaking in the back of my head that says what if this doesn't work out. The thought of starting all over really sucks. It's not that I don't know that a 20yr old cant have the same thoughts but with having kids and a career that I am walking away from or atleast starting all over again with a career, I just feel worn down. That's just my take on it...
                              I'm with Maureen on this one...

                              I often fear that this will not work out, Andy won't move here or he'll dump me for someone younger.... And then what? I don't know what I'd do tbh... I feel like this is my last chance to have a proper relationship, to have more kids before I'm too old, to get married, to live happily with someone. I wouldn't want to start all over again, it'd be too much. I wanna settle down for good. Lucky for me I'm quite sure that's exactly what's going to happen

                              Or else I'm screwed :/


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