How to approach?

[Puramu]

So Thursdays are my SO's and I's 'day' together, right? We've declared this a long time ago, maybe about 9 months ago. Basically on our 'day' we hang out a bit more than usual and do fun stuff involving both of us, whether it's webcam or watching a movie or things like that. Well lately I've been noticing that I have to SAY that it's Thursday, and I have to choose what to do. Like it almost seems like he didn't care about it, so I confronted him. He said "Thursdays are your day, I don't need them."

I felt hurt. I wanted to ask him more about that, but before he confessed that he almost didn't want to tell in fear of an argument start. Still, I don't want to get by without figuring this out, Thursdays are very important to me, but I don't just want them to be my 'day'. It almost feels like we're in two separate relationships or something.

Ok, a little background here. About 5 months ago I wasn't around Thursday on purpose because he made me upset on Wednesday. I had apologized the next day, but that seemed to change things. Like a month later he wasn't all that focused on Thursday and I asked what was up. He said that it was his "D&D mapmaking day". He also wanted to change Thursday. We'd be celebrating Thursday long before that came along, so I didn't know why he wanted to change. I tried Tuesday for a while, but it wasn't the same so we changed it back to Thursday. And here we are mostly.

So yeah, what I'm asking is, how should I approach him asking about this? It's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me, his defense is that he spends time with me everyday. But Thursdays are made to be special and romantic, and he could care less about it. I really don't want to start an argument, but I want Thursdays to be "us" again. A lil help?

[faith5x5nomore]

We also tried ( I should say I also tried) to have one day where he spends extra time with me on the phone doing things. That went sour about a week later because he said he just didn't have the time. I was hurt and asked him to make the time considering he is always doing something for someone. He promised me he would call me on whenever he had some extra time and tell me up front that this would be a good night to do something rather then a specific night. So far he has been pretty good about it. On some nights we will talk for 3 hours so I can't complain. Depending on what he has going on for the week maybe he can tell you in advance what day he can spend a night with you. Remind him that this is as close as you can get to having a date with him and you deserve the effort if your going to be in this relationship...

[princessmia]

First off, I'm sorry to hear this =(
Have you tried asking him specifically why he doesn't 'need' Thursdays?
Could you try explaining it to him that it's an important thing for you to do with him, that you look forward to it, and it's something special?
Try to get inside his head if possible, without starting an argument.
You've tried doing it another day, and that didn't work...it is kind of strange that he changed the day after all that time.
Maybe you can try to do something, or ask him that he is specifically interested in that you both appreciate, and maybe that would do something?

My SO and I don't have a 'special' day where we do some extra things together...but we webcam every day during the week mostly. I think we're okay where we're at, and he hasn't mentioned anything on wanting more =P

I'm sorry you have to go through with this, I wish you good luck and hope for the best.
*hugs*

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm wondering if Thursday hasn't become 'routine' to him. The sentence "I don't need it" sounds to me like he's either content with what you guys have outside of your day or, as I mentioned, it's routine and he could do without it. I don't think he means to hurt your feelings by saying that.

Maybe try asking him exactly what he meant by saying it was your day, if he did feel it was routine or not? Explain to him the reason you thought having a 'day' was important and that if he didn't feel the same on it what you guys could do instead so you don't feel neglected or like you're not spending enough time together.

[Veronica]

Im sorry to hear about this too. What he said sounds a bit harsh..and i can understand that it hurted you. Maybe you can try what i do with my SO. If you spend everyday chatting even for a little bit, or texting or talking on the phone, he might really not feel like thursday is a different day from any other..what we do is we have saturdays for ourself, which is great cuz then we get to hang out with friends, clean around, study, or just have some me time, and then sunday is our day for catching up, we talk about friday night if we went out, and what we did on saturday, maybe watch a movie or play a game, skype with each other, something we dont really do much during the week. That makes our sundays together really special.

[Puramu]

Another reason Thursdays are kindof important to me is that he plays D&D almost all weekend, and doesn't like to be disturbed at that time. So Thursdays help me "last" over the weekend until Monday. So usually fridays are the days where we part off and hang with other people. Also my SO doesn't have a busy side right now. Like he has no job yet and he has no school at the moment.

One thing that might be a factor is he's not too big on romance or w/e. I mean I've tried explaining to him that he doesn't have to like really try to be romantic, sometimes just spending nice time together is enough for me.

Anyways thanks for the advice, I'll ask him about it tomorrow for sure. I'll report back.

[Puramu]

Well I couldn't wait any longer and I calmly told him what Thursdays truly mean to me and asked him why he feels he doesn't need them. He says he doesn't really know what to do for an online date. And he said like there's nothing online that we both enjoy. Like the online activities he really enjoys, it involves just him. Oh -_- I honestly didn't know what to say to THAT. It really breaks my confidence.

Well I tried to ignore that problem for the rest of the day to enjoy Thursday, but yeah that didn't happen. He's exhausted and doesn't want to do anything. We haven't had a real Thursday in about 4 weeks because of SOME excuse. He's tired, he's exhausted, he's not feeling himself. I'm sorry, but he doesn't do anything all day, I don't see how he's so damn exhausted. I'm sorry I'm just so frustrated. I explain how important Thursdays are to me and he's still like "I don't want to do anything". Everything else is pretty much perfect in the relationship, but why do Thursdays have to be taken away from me? *sigh*

[LadyMarchHare]

So he's not willing to find something like a simple MMO you guys could play? Trickster's a pretty good MMORPG, it doesn't take up the whole screen and is free and the graphics are good and cute despite being unisex. Not sure if it's something you'd be into but you mentioned he likes D&D so I figured it might be a start.

I'm not really sure whether he's sounding pressured or just lazy, I'm leaning toward the latter with this one because it doesn't HAVE to be a date. Can he not consider it 'hanging out' like he does with friends? He needs to put some effort into this, it's obviously hurting you and if he can't see that he's blinder than a pirate with cataracts and an eyepatch over both eyes. I think even if you guys were to move the day, it's the principle of having that time before you 'lose' him to his hobbies, which really shouldn't be happening anyway.

[Puramu]

I know I know. We have played Runescape a bit, but it gets boring after a while, it's only something to do like once a month, unless we both get membership again. And I have been playing D&D with him, but the one game I really liked my friend's no longer playing in it so we have to put it on hold until she shows interest again. And we've recently tried a game where it's just me as a player and he's DMing, but I had a mental breakdown because I had no idea what I was doing and I felt stupid. He said he would try to make it easier for me, but I feel more comfortable with more players.

But anyways, we had a talk last night still and he said he felt strangled and that we need a break. Just to spend some time away from each other. I have noticed that we spend a lot of time together, but I have denial issues. So we're going to do that and see how it goes. Hopefully thing'll turn out ok in the end.

[LadyMarchHare]

Ah. Well, at least you tried taking interest in all that.

As for the break, maybe it'll be better in the end if he can clear his head and not feel smothered. Which, I understand it's easy to overdo it when you want to be around them so much and you're limited on what you can do or share. Do you know how long the break will be?

[Puramu]

No I don't know, hopefully it's not more than a week. He says he would say when it starts and when it ends. I don't know how I feel about this, but I'm not the one getting 'strangled.'

[LadyMarchHare]

But that's unfair whether or not he feels strangled. You're involved therefore you have a right to at least an estimate and not wait for the "OK we're on a break" signal at random.