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**ioanna** · October 22, 2010, 12:49 PM

hello there

first of all, just take adeep breath and try and calm down... i dont have any particular advice, i'm just going to tell you about my personal experience with a situation very similar to yours, except i'm in your boyfriend's shoes.

i'll start by saying that my SO and i were CD at the time. before meeting my SO i was with someone (let's call him A because i don't like the term EX) for over 2 years. we are in the same class at uni, and had started dating since the first year. he and i broke up after two and a half year because of different reasons, but mainly because we weren't ready to take our relationship any further, weren't in love anymore. that being said, what we shared had been very passionate and intense, and enriching on the personal level. we are intellectually very interrested in eachother, and are still together in class, work together on some projects etc.

both A and I care a lot for each other. we value our friendship a great deal, and have stood by eachother through many stages of our lives for the past 5 years. it has been over 5 years since we've no longer been a couple; and its been over 5 years since i've been with the love of my life (squeee

)
it was very difficult in the beginning, for my SO to accept A as a person i really cared for, and not be threatened by my relationship with A; but eventually all fell into place and we couldn't be happier.
you ask aren't EX's supposed to be in the past for a reason. i dont think EX's should be in the past point blank. yes, in bad relationships, abusive, disturbing, yes that EX should be in the past. but when it comes to someone you care about, have interest in, and when you mutually agree you don't want a future together as a couple; i don't see a problem in that.

i personally would NEVER say i can't live without -insert name- in my life, not even my SO. it's not healthy. but i do say that i choose to have a few people in my life, and yes, that includes A. i am lucky to have an understanding SO that appreciates the kind of attachment and bond i have with the people around me

makes me love him even more...

all i can say to help you out with this is be patient, and calm, try and look into things from different perspectives, and talk openly about your concerns with your SO. ask him why he values her as a person, and try to actually listen to the answers he will give you without feeling threatened. your SO is with YOU, not her, that already means a lot

courage miss!

**noodle** · October 22, 2010, 12:52 PM

You have to talk to him and see what exactly he is doin with his ex. If they're just friends than well ok (I have the same with my SO) but like if they flirt or get close and hell knows what than I would personally break up.
But if they're really just friends and he doesnt hang out with her only so that it seems kinda weird than you hsould try to cool down a little, I know its hard but yea try lol
And tell him that you feel like he's obsessed with her.

**8983MilesofLove** · October 22, 2010, 01:33 PM

they only went out for 6 months, and throughout that time she controlled him, manipulated him and used him for his age in order to get alcohol, car rides etc (she was a lot younger...as in underage, and therefore i find their relationship sick and disgusting).
He claims theyre just friends, but he is a very flirty person (he has unknowingly flirted with my friends with me right there!), and he is a very 'touchy' guy...which is why it worries me. I also think he is 'obsessed' because he has lied a lot about her in the past to me, and even went to the effort of creating a 'fake' facebook account, just so he could talk to her without me knowing! His lies are the reason I don't trust him.
I just think that if he really loved me and cared about me, surely he wouldn't see her after seeing how its affected me?! (i suffer from depression and find it very difficult to trust and feel 'good enough' as it is).
I feel that obviously there is something i dont have, that she does have. Therefore I feel i'm not good enough and I often doubt what he tells me, I often think he would rather be back with her.
I just don't know what to do, and it has destroyed us so much I feel we can no longer repair what's been broken

I feel like he's letting her destroy our relationship and it makes me so angry and so distraught to know that she has destroyed what was a 'perfect' relationship. He is my best friend, soul mate and boyfriend all rolled into one...but i feel she's taking it all away! Their friendship is destroying us because I can't trust them!
We made plans together, talked about the future, and even went through the loss of a child together. Now I feel it has all been taken away from me, and my future is uncertain. I hate having no control over my life. I used to be heartbroken about the loss of our baby...now I'm starting to think it was a good thing, just so she didn't have to grow up and go through the pain of fighting for her father's affection with some whore, and seeing how much he's hurt me.
I'm at a complete loss.

**London-FortCollins** · October 22, 2010, 01:59 PM

Ok. Lets break this down a lil bit.

First of all - Hiya!

When I have a whole mush of stuff like this I try and break it down into bullet points and address and resolve each bit of the problem at a time. Maybe far too analytical for affairs of the heart but I find it stops me wanting to tear my hair out in frustration at not knowing how to deal with it.

I'm just going to address each point as you list them in your post.

1) He used to lie about seeing her
Lieing in a relationship is never a good thing. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here

Do you know why he lied? Was it honestly because he didnt want to hurt you and thought "What she doesnt know cant hurt her" (A legitimate if badly thought through reason) or was it because he had something to hide?

Its a very positive thing that he chose to tell you and no longer lies about seeing you. Do you know what the catalyst for that was? If it was because he realised not telling you would hurt you more - this is a good thing.

2)What exactly about him seeing her upsets you?
There could be many reasons, many of which intertwine more often than not.

Simple jealousy? Its ok if it is. Jealousy is a normal human emotion. Its only how you let it effect you that can be dangerous
Worried he might still like her?
Worried about him getting hurt? Did they break up badly/has she hurt him in the past and your defensive of this happening again

3) How are you approaching the situation?
Did you demand that he stop seeing her, which could possibly make him feel controlled and that you dont trust him. Or did you explain to him how him seeing her makes you feel?

4) How he is behaving with his ex isnt indicative of how much he loves and cares about you
For the most part. I dont know him so obviously cant speak for him, but I would think if he does love and care about you he would not hang out with his ex as a spiteful and vindictive act. There are likely to be reasons why he still wants her in his life (I'll come to that I promise) that are completely unrelated to how he feels about you.

5) How she dresses/behaves
May have found a reason as to why you have a problem with him spending time with her. You and her both have very different ways of living. Perhaps you wonder how he could have been attracted to someone like her and is now attracted to someone like you?

(Btw - I'm trying to remain neutral but on the whole I would say a good bitching session, purely to get stuff off your chest is always healthy)

6) He wants you to be like her
Has he ever said or done anything to indicate he wants you to "be like her"? Compared you directly to her? If so thats something your probably defiinitly going to want to talk to him about.

7) "He's obsessed with her"
In what way? Does he talk about her on a daily basis? Constant contact with her? Mentions her during seemingly unrelated conversations? If so, yes, she may still play on his mind a lot. If not it may just feel that way because of how much you dislike her.

Reasons he may still want her in his life
(Bare in mind these are simply speculations. It could be just one, a combination or even none of these reasons You know your SO and your going to be able to talk to him about it)

* Is he still attracted to her and enjoys the attraction even if he never intends to act on it
* Likewise - could she still be attracted to him and he enjoys the attention/being wanted even if he never intends to act on it
* Either of the above and given the chance he would like to act on it
* He's still in love with her (note the difference between attracted to and loving)
* He does honestly feel that they can maintain and continue to develop a friendship, separate to the relationship they had
* He may feel an obligation of sorts to her. They were together and shared stuff. That may be hard to let go of. He may have made promises ("I'll always be there for you" etc) that he doesnt want to break
* He may want to hurt you. If he does love and care about you I'm sure this is not a valid reason at all. But if sadly he is in the small % of men who can be quite vindictive its something you might want to consider. I do just want to say dont jump to this conclusion. Its actually in my opinion the least likely, I'm just playing devils advocate and trying to look at all options.
* He may just enjoy spending time with her. Not necessarily anything more than that, he simply finds her a fun person to hang out with or enjoy a night out with.

There could be a whole bunch more of differnet reasons. The only way your really going to know is to talk to him.

Communication is the most important thing in a relationship if its ever to survive - especially LD.

I would recommend setting some time aside to talk about this specifically. Try and pinpoint exactly what points you want to bring up with him (hence the handy bullet points

) Try and remain calm and not get upset whilst talking. I know thats really difficult, but try and explain how your feeling rather than shouting or becoming upset. I'm sure he (like most men....or women come to that) will be much more responsive to you explaining calmly how you feel. Try not to pass blame "You did this that and the other" instead turn it round "When this that and the other happened it made me feel...because..."

It might not be the easiest conversation the two of you ever have. It might bring up more things for you to discuss. It might make you feel awful. It might take a couple of conversations. But if you can work through it, you'll come out the other side feeling your relationship is stronger than it ever was.

Ok, because I totally just preached on you I'll share my similar story which'll hopefully show why I came to these various conclusions and to let you know - your not alone!

My SO and I got together because I was there for him after his break up with his ex. She treated him really badly. But they had been together a long time so of course it hurt him.

Then she couldnt let go. She would continually call, text etc. Find excuses as to why. Loads of generally girl bitchy behaviour. He responded. He had told her he would always be there for her and even though she didn't agree with the way her life had taken her and how she had treated him he didnt want to not be there for her like he said he would.

This was quite difficult for me, especially as I could see that from her point of view it was more than that. I think she realised she'd made mistakes in letting him go and wanted him back.

I tried to bring it up in several different ways what she was up to. And it was literally a day or two after I'd described what she was likely to do next - and she did it that my SO decided enough was enough with her.

A lot of my issues were down to being defensive of my SO. I couldnt stand to see him be hurt by her in anyway again. There was also a fair amount of jealousy on my part. Not to mention I didnt think she deserved to have someone as wonderful as him in her life after the way shed treated him.

But we talked about it. I always told him how I was feeling. That it made me sad when they spent time together and that I was worried about him. But he likewise always explained to me why he wanted to see her. And he would always make sure that I knew I was his priority even if he was with her.

But I never said he couldnt see her. For me personally that didnt sit right with me - even when he asked me "Do you want me to stop seeing her" I told him I didnt want to make that decision. Of course I would prefer that he didnt see her but I wasnt going to demand it. and that made a really big difference to the situation too. It panned out the way it was supposed to and they eventually drifted.

But thats just my story. Just letting you know your not alone, this is what these boards are for and I'm happy to offer advice and suggestions.

Woah this totally is a WAY too long post so I'm done for now!

Really hope it works out ok for you. *Hugs*

**London-FortCollins** · October 22, 2010, 02:07 PM

Hi - again. I think you posted while I was typing out my massive post.

Sweetie, I think youve identified the biggest problem - you find it difficult to trust him...and rightly so with all the reasons hes given you not to.

You need to try and talk to him, see if this is something you can work through and then start to try to rebuild the trust. But if you dont think you can ever trust him then I'm afraid thats not a good sign.

I'm so sorry to hear about losing a child. I cant imagine how difficult that was for you.

I hope that to whatever end you manage to find the resolution to this.

**Zephii** · October 22, 2010, 05:59 PM

I didn't read all the replies, so if I'm repeating stuff I'm sorry.. but...

I really think he just isn't over her. Lying is unacceptable. That's it. (imo)

It's always easy for us to blame the ex isn't it? But really it's not her hurting you, it's him. He's the only lying to you, going behind your back, completely disregarding how you feel about their relationship and saying he can't live without her. So perhaps your anger is misdirected. Yes, she very well might call all the time or whatever, but he has the choice to say no or at least try to compromise with you, and is not.

I understand you've been through a lot together, but I don't think this is reparable unless some compromise can be reached... or something. I'm sorry you're hurting.

**8983MilesofLove** · October 23, 2010, 01:55 AM

They broke up 3 years ago...they only went out for 6 months whereas we have been going out for 2 years...and we didnt start going out until 9 months after they broke up...
he says he doesn't have any feelings for her anymore, and hasn't since before we started going out, and he's stopped lying now...which i guess is a step in the right direction? And when he did lie he said it was because he didn't want to hurt me, which I do believe because that's the kind of stupid thing he would do. My best friend has the same problem with his SO...so we've come to the conclusion it's a guy thing, they must all think that what we don't know won't hurt us.
he called me today to apologize for what he did and he said he'll try not to see her again.
hes just the type of person who doesnt like losing friends...its like an insecurity thing where he feels he needs as many friends as possible.
I dunno...if he sees her again i'll make it clear im not happy and it hurts me...maybe eventually he'll come to his senses.
Hopefully he'll realize she belongs in the past and that she is destroying our future and my happiness.
*sigh* LD truly sucks.

**8983MilesofLove** · October 23, 2010, 01:56 AM

*best friend has the same problem with 'HER' SO...not his lol

**London-FortCollins** · October 23, 2010, 05:37 AM

Saying he did it because he didnt want to hurt you....if he's telling the truth...as I said is a completly valid reason. He thought he was doing the best thing in your interests. Of course with the power of hindsight and seeing how much it did actually hurt you he hopefully realises that wasnt the best desicion. But he thought it was at the time.

You mention he doesnt like losing friends, its like an insecurity thing. Maybe this is something you can talk to him about? Something he may need your love and support about?

Like I said, talk to him. Explain to him why it hurts you. But may I recommend listening to him too? It probably hurts him to see you so against someone he sees as a close friend. He's probably got some things he'd like to talk through with you too but he hasnt so far because he doesnt want to hurt you further. Give yourselves the chance to talk openly and honestly to each other.

And just to add on to ioanna's point. Its true ex's dont always belong in the past. Each situation is totally different. Me and my ex broke up on (relatively) good terms. But we met up a few times afterwards and once we'd got closure and cleared the air we realised...we didnt actually have that much to say to each other any more. So we dont see each other because there's not really a friendship there to continue. But it could've gone differently.

And if it had I'm sure my SO would understand but I would also understand why it might upset him and do everything I could to make that easier for him.

Communication. That's all it will always come down to in LDR. *Hugs* I really hope you guys manage to resolve this.

**Riyko** · October 23, 2010, 05:54 AM

I just think that if he really loved me and cared about me, surely he wouldn't see her after seeing how its affected me?!

I don't agree with that, i'm sorry to say but it sounds a bit like because you don't like her, he shouldn't hang out with her because it upsets you. All you can do is talk to him about him hanging out with her makes you feel but in the end it's his decision on if he wants to hang out with her or not.

**amandamayaaa** · October 24, 2010, 10:06 AM

you're not alone my boyfriend and i have a similar problem, except i'm in your boyfriend's boat, but this guy isn't my ex, he's my best friend who's also my neighbor.. my boyfriend is in the same position as you are.. he wrote a post on it months ago, i put the link on here so you can read his side.. and read other people's replies as well, hope this helps

https://https://members.lovingfromadistance.com/showthread.php?2075-Trust

**8983MilesofLove** · November 15, 2010, 11:40 AM

just a quick update; everything is going well...(for now). we've talked a lot about everything and agreed to certain things...he isn't going to see her again until I've met her (i think i'll be more comfortable with it once i've met her), which will be in just 3 weeks time, and also it helps my mind that she's now seeing someone lol
he hasn't lied to me (i can always tell when he lies...i always know straight away!), and hes gradually gaining my trust back and the past couple of weeks he's really shown me that he loves me and hes really made an effort to be there for me

thank you all so much for your advice, you did help a great deal!

x

**8983MilesofLove** · January 13, 2011, 01:48 PM

Closed. thanks for all the help and advice guys!

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Problems with his EX!!!!! HELP!

Problems with his EX!!!!! HELP!

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