How to survive the distance...

[NaNi]

Apart from the fact that I'm going to see my SO in 35 days... the distance is killing me. It's gotten really bad lately. My girlfriend even told me that she's not sure what will happen to us if I continue to be this sad all the time. It's damaging the relationship.

We got to talk today after 5 days of non-communication and even that wasn't able to make me feel happy. Not for long at least. All I thought of was: "It's her birthday and we only got to talk for an hour"... and her friends and family could spend the whole day with her. :/

Also the fact that, from now on, we'll only be able to visit once a year. If even. I don't think I'll have the money next year.

We also can't talk much more often because of school/uni and the 11 hour time difference. Webcam is also not an option because of her internet broadband.

I just don't know what to do...

I started another thread a few weeks ago, but it just won't get better...

[blankita719]

I think the best thing you can do is to hold on for 35 more days. Spend the time with each other...Its a hard thing to do, not think about what happens after that visit, but you have to so that you can really enjoy the time you will have together. Circumstances may change in a year, so don't automatically feel like it won't happen. I would have told you a year ago that I'd never fall in love again, that I'd always be stuck living with family members and that my life would be nothing but constant struggles. A year later, I've bought my house, fallen in love and while this is certainly not an easy situation to be in, I consider myself truly lucky to have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and that he wants to spend it with me too <3 You have found the same thing! I understand being pessimistic about things but in order to survive these LDR's, we hae to learn to look with optimism or else we'd be miserable all of the time. You know that every single member of this forum knows exactly how you feel and that we're all here for each other

[LadyMarchHare]

Thinking about the future tends to bring up more worries than we need. Live for looking forward to the visit, then live solely in the moment and try not to think about tomorrow or next week. It's hard to do especially if we want to plan forever with them, but the distance has given you situational depression and you don't need to feed it. Perhaps try to make her understand that you are putting effort towards cheering up, but that you can't do it alone?

[Karringtyn]

Wait till your visit and let things come naturally...talk about it. I agree...one day at a time. I have found if I do any more than that...I panic.

[Laura024]

Work on focusing on the time you do spend together instead of the time you don't. If you just think about how you won't get to talk/see her again for awhile once you do communicate, then it'll ruin those special moments you have together. Like the others said, it's important to take it one day at a time, step by step. Keep busy with things you like to do for yourself. Also, you could make your SO a homemade gift and think up other nice things to do for her while you're apart. Not only will it channel that energy into something positive, but she'll really appreciate it. We must all stay strong, because the distance is enough to bring anyone down.

[Tanja]

I think I know how you feel.... and I don't think there's much anyone else can do about it sadly. Most attempts to cheer you up will probably just make you feel even worse and you might start feeling sorry for yourself...? Then again if your SO doesn't try to cheer you up you might feel mad that she's not trying and you definitely won't get any happier... am I even close?

It goes on and on and it will definitely take it's toll on your relationship.

The change has to come from YOU. You have to find some way to not worry about the future quite as much... a year is a very long time and you can not know what's going to happen yet so why worry about it in advance? Also during your visit, which is in 35 days, just a little over a month! you HAVE TO stop yourself from looking past the visit and into the negative... I did that and it spoilt some good moments with me and Andy, not to mention made him feel like he can't make me happy no matter what he does even when we are together.

I know it's hard, after my visit to Wales in November we have no idea when we'll see each other again but still we/you can't give up hope! You love your woman and you don't want the distance to break you up... Don't let it then! Be happy that you've found her in the first place, someone who you click with and you feel you belong with, someone you want to grow old with and spend the rest of your life with.

If your depression really is out of your control, maybe you should see a doctor? There are things you can do though before going there... Exercise is one of the most successful ways of treating depression! Start jogging, go to the gym, buy some gloves and a bag and beat the crap out if, it WILL make you feel loads better!

It takes an extraordinarily strong person to go through and survive the distance and some people just aren't cut out for it.... but if you love her enough you can do it and you'll come out as a winner in the end!

Hang in there, you'll see her soon ♥

[sabby64]

I think Tanja summed it all up pretty nicely

Exercise is the best thing to do I find. It gets your heart going and your blood pumping, making you feel so much better. It releases some kind of crazy hormones into your system that make you happier, and the confidence you gain from it is amazing, even if it's your first day going to the gym or your first mile you've ever ran, and that helps you be more optimistic about everything. Me and Brandon like to turn it into a competition, seeing who can go to the gym the most that week or who can stay the longest on the treadmill that day on a certain speed... It's alot of fun and easy to do, especially since most schools come with a free or very cheap fitness centre.

You have to teach yourself how to be optimistic. Trust me, at the beginning of this distance there were times Brandon would hang up on me because I was being so sad and depressed. He told me he didn't think he could make me happy, and questioned why we were even doing this in the first place. That got me thinking and I realized that I had to change if this was ever going to work. After alot of introspection, I finally learned how to live in the moment and not worry about the future too much. It just makes things harder then they actually are. So I find things to do with myself, like projects and schoolwork and stuff, talk to Brandon when I can and make sure that during our visits I don't think about him leaving at all. It makes things so much better to be able to live in the moment.

Have faith in yourself. You are alot stronger then you think you are. Hang in there.

[NaNi]

Thank you everyone.

I think I just have to learn to not compare us to other couples. How some might be able to talk every single day for many hours - even with webcam. We can't do that and it often makes me sad, but I don't want to push my SO away, so I will try to deal with it differently from now on.

I just kept thinking how we miss out on so much... but I want to make this work. I love her so much.

[Luisina]

I'm really sorry you're struggling
And it's hard when even technology decides to make life hard for you.. I know.

...one day at a time. I have found if I do any more than that...I panic.

Well put. It completely agree.. if I start putting time into perspective, I panic..

Hang in there.. you'll be together soon!

[mllebamako]

I think I just have to learn to not compare us to other couples. How some might be able to talk every single day for many hours - even with webcam. We can't do that and it often makes me sad, but I don't want to push my SO away, so I will try to deal with it differently from now on.

I think you made a good point about not comparing yourself to other couples. I also have to remind myself of that. Sometimes, I'll start to read people's situations and I get all jealous. And I start thinking...wait they talk for hours everyday, wait they only live x miles apart, wait they get to see each other how many times a year?
People always think the grass is greener on the other side...but every couple has their own set of challenges to overcome. I remind myself to worry about my own grass and make sure I water it and plant some pretty flowers

[Caitlin2009]

Thank you everyone.

I think I just have to learn to not compare us to other couples. How some might be able to talk every single day for many hours - even with webcam. We can't do that and it often makes me sad, but I don't want to push my SO away, so I will try to deal with it differently from now on.

I just kept thinking how we miss out on so much... but I want to make this work. I love her so much.

do you have her phone number maybe you can call her on the phone for a couple of hours with a phone card or something

[paulawriteslove]

Even when I miss my boyfriend like hell, I try my best to stay positive. I thinking staying positive definitely helps!

[Zephii]

Gods, I feel like such a slack bitch for this, but I simply can't remember what your over all plan is. Do yous have an end date in mind? How long is your minimum amount of time left apart?

I know money is an issue. I'm wondering if perhaps instead of focusing funds on trips it might be wiser to put your money towards getting your SO broadband that is entirely her own? Or something... there has to be an option that will get yous past this!

*Big hugs* Do you still write letters to each other and stuff? I know it's not real-time communication, but letters on their own are pretty cheap and wont take more than a fortnight... plus you can find ways to make them fun. If you can keep what little contact you do have enjoyable, that will go a long way to getting you through this!

[NaNi]

Gods, I feel like such a slack bitch for this, but I simply can't remember what your over all plan is. Do yous have an end date in mind? How long is your minimum amount of time left apart?

I know money is an issue. I'm wondering if perhaps instead of focusing funds on trips it might be wiser to put your money towards getting your SO broadband that is entirely her own? Or something... there has to be an option that will get yous past this!

*Big hugs* Do you still write letters to each other and stuff? I know it's not real-time communication, but letters on their own are pretty cheap and wont take more than a fortnight... plus you can find ways to make them fun. If you can keep what little contact you do have enjoyable, that will go a long way to getting you through this!

We don't really know when we would end the distance. I tried talking about it, but my SO was stressed with uni work so that didn't go anywhere. But I was hoping it might be at the end of 2012/the beginning of 2013. If... I have enough money that is. And if I can find a job.

I would love it if my SO could have more broadband, but... I don't think that I could pay for it every month. I only have little money left and really don't know if I should visit again next year or save the money for the big move.

We do write letters, but they now take almost over 2 weeks to get to the other side of the world, so that's also quite annoying. We are still writing love letters each month though.

[NaNi]

do you have her phone number maybe you can call her on the phone for a couple of hours with a phone card or something

I actually never used a phone card. I could look into that if it's not too expensive.