Jealousy? Trust? Partying?

[mattheww65]

Hey Guys!

Little story for you all to comment on! I'm a little confused on what to do....

Basically, I'm quite a social person. I enjoy going out with friends, and I do drink but being a true Brit I can handle my drink quite well and never get to the 'out of control' stage. I go to the pub for a quick pint 2-3 times a week, then properly go out maybe once a month.

Every time I went out, I'd usually go back and tell my SO about it the next time we chat. Like what I'd got up-to, was it a good night, what music was on, who was there... just the usual stuff.

Now about 2 weeks ago my SO suddenly came out and asked me not to tell her when I'm going out, because it gets to her and makes her jealous. I can kinda understand that, and although I didn't like it I agreed.

So I went out last night for a friends birthday, and as requested I didn't tell my SO that I was going out, when she said do I want to chat I just said I cant I'm busy, but if she's still awake I'll ring her when I get back. Fair enough I thought.

Then, half way through my night my girlfriend texts me and accuses me of lying to her. I didn't lie to her, I just didn't tell her what I was doing (as requested!)... Obviously this kinda ruined my night. She ended up telling me that, 'each time I go out she see's me as a stupid alcoholic who may cheat on her and get into a fight...'

I replied telling her she needs to trust me, just as I trust her and I'm sorry I upset her.

That was last night and I've had no response since. Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship, and she obviously doesn't trust me. When I brought this up before she told me that she, 'trusts me, just doesn't trust alcohol'... which seems like a bit of a get-out to me!

So I'm pretty confused. I really love her and I've never given her any reason not to trust me! I'm a really loyal person and she knows that. Not sure what to do...

[faith5x5nomore]

I was considering asking my SO the same thing but reconsidered because I too am a very jealous person and would use it against him. He has never given me any reason to be jealous but every weekend I am on pins and needles waiting for him to say that he is going out. I know he says he won't cheat but I feel like if he drinks and he gets lonely he will act on it. I've had trust issues even before he left, the only thing that seems to work in my case is I try not to say anything that night and usually by the next day I calm down. There is really nothing I can do to make myself from thinking these things. I would just reasure her that she has nothing to worry about and that she needs to trust you... You also need to keep in mind that this is hard for her. While you are out having a good time she is home thinking about you. Maybe calling her now and again when your out just to tell her that your thinking about her might help...

[Silviar]

I don't think that you partying gives her an excuse to be insecure and jealous, and it's definitely something you two need to talk about. What I'm going to do is try and see if I can see things from your girlfriend's perspective. Here are the questions you need to ask yourself:

1) Does she have a great hatred of alcohol? This can automatically skew her to thinking any party involving alcohol will of course include debauchery.

2) When you talk to your girlfriend about these parties, how do you phrase it? Do you talk about getting wasted and send drunk texts that could leave her mind open to wondering what's going on? While I don't think blame should be laid at your feet, there could be things you're saying or doing that she's interpreting much worse than what they actually are, and this is something you can work on to make the situation clear up, the same way she needs to work on her insecurity.

3) You're in an international LDR - could the way her community or her family views drinking be causing part of the friction? Yes, you're both in English-speaking countries, but for example, alcohol here in the states is known for being a raging party where wild things *do* happen, unless you're having an upscale party, whereas in England I know drinking is more of a 'we do this often and it's just part of our culture to drink' sort of attitude. I suspect her view may be closer to the US view.

She does have a point about alcohol often leading to bad situations, but that comes down to if you're moderating your alcohol. I would talk to her; if you've given her cause to be concerned about how much you drink, then keep in mind that's why she's so worried. And maybe there's a reason for her to be worried, but as I've no idea how much you drink, obviously I cannot comment either way.

I'm sure you two can overcome this. It just sucks in the meantime. /comfort

[Silviar]

You also need to keep in mind that this is hard for her. While you are out having a good time she is home thinking about you. Maybe calling her now and again when your out just to tell her that your thinking about her might help...

I want to second this as well. It's hard for both of you but for different reasons. If you can both see it from each other's perspective, it will help a lot.

[Rugger]

I want to second this as well. It's hard for both of you but for different reasons. If you can both see it from each other's perspective, it will help a lot.

Thirded. This is what keeps me from driving myself crazy with jealousy when my boyfriend goes out without me. He texts me almost the entire time he's out. I know he's thinking about me, and that reassures me.

[noodle]

aahh jealousy my fellow friend haha I've had this soooo many times ^^

Talk to her again and say that you didnt intend to upset her but that you just did what she requested.
Reassure her that you wont cheat on her and so on lol
Girls can be like that sometimes, trust me I am myself >_> lol

[LadyMarchHare]

Some days I wonder if I'm the only one here that just gets bothered by the drinking aspect and not if he's eying booty. O_o

If you have the message she sent about not telling her when you go out, show it to her. She may have meant something different by it like "don't go out at all", but you're not a mind reader. I understand for jealous people it's hard to let their SOs be in potential cheating situations but if you think about it, every social moment is a moment to cheat and unless you're giving them reason to cry liar and cheater then it's all them and they need to work on trusting you bit by bit or it's just gonna flat out drive the both of you up the wall, across the ceiling, and down the other wall.

And there's no way she can trust YOU but not a drink. Alcohol's an inanimate object. Yes it can do stuff to your body and brain, but that's like using the excuse "I trust them, but not other people." You still aren't trusting them, you're just using a scapegoat like the devil himself tempted them with something shiny and they were too distracted to notice they're in someone's bed. Basically it sounds like she's pussyfooting the issue and expecting you to figure it out so a good sit down chat might be in order and a compromise may be made about your going out if she's that strong about it and isn't going to try and help you both by working on her issues.

[Silviar]

Some days I wonder if I'm the only one here that just gets bothered by the drinking aspect and not if he's eying booty. O_o

I was! That's why I mentioned finding out what's really worrying her with the drinking.

[mattheww65]

1) Does she have a great hatred of alcohol? This can automatically skew her to thinking any party involving alcohol will of course include debauchery.
Not as far as I know. I've been out drinking with her, and she's been out drinking by herself. But from what i've worked out, one of her ex's cheated on her regularly when he was drunk. So I kinda understand the hatred but still.....

2) When you talk to your girlfriend about these parties, how do you phrase it? Do you talk about getting wasted and send drunk texts that could leave her mind open to wondering what's going on? While I don't think blame should be laid at your feet, there could be things you're saying or doing that she's interpreting much worse than what they actually are, and this is something you can work on to make the situation clear up, the same way she needs to work on her insecurity.
I'm going to have to be careful about this one in the future I think. I tend to say things without really thinking how she'll take it. Generally in my other CDR's I've never had a jealous-type girlfriend before, because I've seen them alot more they know alot better what I'm like....

3) You're in an international LDR - could the way her community or her family views drinking be causing part of the friction? Yes, you're both in English-speaking countries, but for example, alcohol here in the states is known for being a raging party where wild things *do* happen, unless you're having an upscale party, whereas in England I know drinking is more of a 'we do this often and it's just part of our culture to drink' sort of attitude. I suspect her view may be closer to the US view.
I asked her about this one, and she knows that we Brit's treat alcohol differently. She said she doesn't mind when I just go to the pub so much its when I actually go out. So I think she more US as you say.....


Thanks to everyone for your help and posts. Really helped clear it up in my head. Trying to understand the 'female point of view' is really hard for us guys! Things that I never even think of really upset her, which makes it really hard! I guess I'll just have to deal with being all re-assuring until we're actually together in person!