Lost at love?

[ashatude]

Ashley-lost in love?

My boyfriend Daniel and I have been dating for 13 months now, we only live about an hour away from each other. The first three months of are relationship was a lie. He would lie to me to make me happy, and he had feelings for another girl. He told me that his parents taught him to lie to make people happy, to make them hear what they want to hear. I believed him because I know his parents lie and I know how they are but the feelings for another girl was a totally different story. I stayed with him, but the lies continued for awhile. One night he came to see me when he wasn't allowed and I became the bad guy. His brother and sister who are supposed to be adults told me to stay away from there family and was pretty mean to me. His mom blamed me for everything that was happening to Daniel. I stopped going down to his house for a month, I finally went down and talked to his parents and I was willing to put everything behind but ill never respect them as a person because they don't show me respect. I'm still going up there for Daniel's sake, even though I hate being there I still treat them the way I would want to be treated even though they give me attitude and give me dirty looks. Should I give up on his parents and stop trying?

My trust for him is hardly anything anymore, since I do online classes and he is in public school and the things that have happened in the past. I have to have him tell me about his whole day and when he still tells me its hard for me to believe him. I won't let him have any girl friends either. I constantly accuse him of looking at other girls. Also we have got each other promise rings but I didn't think he was ready to be committed to me, but he thought he was but when I told him he said that he guesses that he wasn't because I just said so, so I took the ring back anyway, which killed me on the inside. He knows I don't trust him but he says he doesn't know how to get me to trust him. How can I trust him? Should I give up?

[LadyMarchHare]

That's honestly sad that his parents taught him lying's OK if it makes the person feel better. That's a habit that needs working out ASAP whether it's through self help books, counseling, or good ol' fashioned hard work. Thing is, you can't help him with it because the trust between you two is shattered and could remain that way a good while so long as he's a compulsive liar. When you can't trust anything someone says, it strains the relationship you have with them and because you're dating it's a giant red flag.

If your guy's around your age, I can see why his parents flipped out about him being somewhere else when he wasn't supposed to be. He's under their roof and their rules and because it was you he was with, they're going to get nasty. I think most parents see the SO as a threat in some way shape or form. Thing is, you don't have to like them, they don't have to like you. As I've told others, the parents are the icing on the cake. It can complete the package but it's not always necessary and you can scrape it off if you don't like it. What matters is that you like and want to be with your guy even though he has a LOT of work if he's willing to let go of that nasty habit.

And this is my opinion, but you're still young and in school, you don't need to be worrying about total utter commitment in terms of "together forever". You can go for it, sure, but don't let it consume you, y'know? At any rate, I wish you the best of luck.

[Zephii]

What she said^

Listen, if someone is going to cheat and lie, they are going to cheat and lie regardless of whether you let them have female friends or whatever. All I can see here is you giving him more reasons to lie. It's still his life, he may talk to or be friends with whoever he pleases, and it's wrong to tell him otherwise. (Not that we have not all been tempted to do the same thing!) Secondly, he isn't blind. It's ok to look at the display... as long as he doesn't try to take any of it home. He also shouldn't have to report to you. I'm feeling that this is as much your issue as it is his and you might need to do some work yourself to learn to trust again, perhaps some books or a counselor.

For his parents, they'll either come around in time or they wont. I would keep trying because having bad inlaws is a huge strain on the relationship, especially in the holiday season.

Wish you all the best of luck!