Does anyone else have trouble making new friends?

[totalspiffage]

I just started college and it seems like I'm having a very tough time making friends due to my relationship. Due to the 12 hour time difference, and him being in the army, I can only call him on weekends at night, which is basically when everyone hangs out.

Even my roommate, who's a huge romantic and seemed totally cool with it, has stopped inviting me out, even during the week. So I'm alone in my dorm room a lot, which drives me insane and makes me break down a lot. I've only really made -one- friend who's totally cool with it. Everyone else kind of puts up with me.

I feel like I'm just getting really annoying cause I have to spend time with him on the weekends most of the time(though I do -try- to go out, but then I only have one day a week with him).

Does anyone else have these issues?
If so, what do you recommend?

[LadyMarchHare]

Well it sounds like it's hard because you're putting your SO above yourself. I understand the want of having as much time as possible with him, but you have to think about your LOCAL comforts as well. If you guys could schedule certain days together and text/send e-mails others times that could significantly free up your time. I'm sure he'd understand if you told him the reason you can't talk a certain night is because you want to go make friends/hang out with some. You need face to face social interaction that isn't a webcam, sweetie. It's human nature. You can't shove your relationship up on a pedestal and expect people to be OK with you blowing off everything because of him, it's not fair to them.

[totalspiffage]

I know I put him above, but he really needs cheering up and I'm the only one in his life that makes him happy, really(which is sad, but he's a bit antisocial and he and his family are very icy, I think). He really works hard- all for me. Last week I blew him off to hang with some friends and my roomie all night, and it kind of resulted in a fight... which we usually never have.

[LadyMarchHare]

It's not your responsibility to be his only human contact or his only means of cheering up. If he's anti-social, he needs to work on at least gaining ONE friend or finding some way to make himself happy that doesn't involve you. You shouldn't feel guilty going out and if it sparks a fight, that's on him. You're his girlfriend, not his crutch.

[mllebamako]

I agree with LMH but I also know how badly you want to talk to him and if weekend nights is really the ONLY time...

Why don't you try to make some friends through activities? Join a club, volunteer, or go to a yoga class or something. I met some great people through clubs and volunteering when I was in college. Then hang out with them at OTHER times! Listen, I was along a lot of Friday/Saturday nights in college just because I hated the drinking culture that was in place. So I often spent those nights alone watching movies in the dorm. Sometimes the RAs would even schedule movie nights or game nights for those who wanted an alternative to drinking.

Find some other people that like the same TV shows as you. Then, invite them over to your dorm every Thursday night (or whatever) to all watch the show together. I did that a lot in college and it was really fun and people would always bring more friends that I didn't know!
Reach out to people in your classes and then invite them to go study together at a coffee shop.

The best thing about college is you can hang out with people ANYTIME! Seriously. There are lots of people that don't kick it on weekends (people that commute home every weekend, people who dislike drinking, etc.)

[Lunar Snow]

I agree with LMH but I also know how badly you want to talk to him and if weekend nights is really the ONLY time...

Why don't you try to make some friends through activities? Join a club, volunteer, or go to a yoga class or something. I met some great people through clubs and volunteering when I was in college. Then hang out with them at OTHER times! Listen, I was along a lot of Friday/Saturday nights in college just because I hated the drinking culture that was in place. So I often spent those nights alone watching movies in the dorm. Sometimes the RAs would even schedule movie nights or game nights for those who wanted an alternative to drinking.

Find some other people that like the same TV shows as you. Then, invite them over to your dorm every Thursday night (or whatever) to all watch the show together. I did that a lot in college and it was really fun and people would always bring more friends that I didn't know!
Reach out to people in your classes and then invite them to go study together at a coffee shop.

The best thing about college is you can hang out with people ANYTIME! Seriously. There are lots of people that don't kick it on weekends (people that commute home every weekend, people who dislike drinking, etc.)

These are excellent suggestions. I was kind of a similar way in university. Particularly, in my first year, I really was in with a bunch of people who were all about drinking and partying (which wasn't my scene so much and really isn't now that I have discovered and pursued other social outlets) and also had a high school sweetheart who I had a semi long-distance relationship, and became very sad and isolated. I've done the clubbing and bar scene, too, but I just have always found that other extracurriculars were much more engaging and better ways to make true and lasting friends. If you still really feel like that type of socializing is something you want to experience, it is much more fun with a group of friends you trust to look out for you, can dance with, can fend off smarmalades with, etc., but also think of restaurants and pubs as fun options to be social and drink at in moderation (plus, restaurants have yummy food and always have seemed more sophisticated to me and pubs have that friendly, European feeling). I guess what I am trying to say with that, is that the "traditional" partying of college, if you want it, can come in plenty of time (it's not going anywhere and it certainly isn't the end all to beat all...it can even be down-right boring, at times) and it is more important to make a good group of friends, first. I think you will find, too, that it may seem like you are the only one sequestered away in your dorm, but as mllebamako says, there are many alternative activities that fall on different days and times throughout the week, where you could meet people and then also encourage them to hang out with you outside of the activity, too. So many universities have clubs, recreational activities (anything from dance to underwater basket-weaving), etc. and the tv thing is a great idea, as well. It's important to remember that university brings together people from many different places, with many different interests and though the dorm life can feel cliquey sometimes, there really are the right friends out there for you to meet through different activities. Plus, clique mentality is really ridiculous once you get to university--pursuing your own interests, branching out to new/ healthy/ varied friendships, and becoming a more rounded person are cool things to do at university.

I've been on both sides of the coin, with regards to trying to divide social time with nurturing relationship time with an at school LDR (and feeling either too dependent on my partner for social needs or too busy to make enough time for my partner). I agree with the others in encouraging you to make friends through a variety of avenues and sometimes putting your social well-being ahead of your talk time with your boyfriend. Plus, I also think that LMH makes an excellent point in suggesting alternative times and ways for you to communicate. He should understand that it would benefit you (it could help you to feel included and balanced in your life) and, likely your relationship (if you have fun adventures to tell him about or have someone else to go to when you are feeling down, etc.) and will reasonably be able to see that emailing, writing, texting, and finding other times to talk could strike a compromise that would meet both of your needs (yours to have time to make and nurture friendships and his to feel like he is communicating enough with you).

I am really excited for you to meet some cool friends (the university life is really fantastic once you find the right social niche/niches, and you will) and hope that you keep us abreast of how it goes for you! I'm not always the best about responding quickly to messages, but you can send me messages if you want to bounce off some ideas for looking for university activities to be involved with or need a kick in the pants to get out of your dorm room (or invite friends to your dorm room). Good luck!

[Bluestars]

I have a lot of trouble making new friends in general because I am very shy and have anxiety and whatnot. I can understand what it is like to want to talk to your SO instead of hanging out with your friends, and I sort of when through this my freshman year as well--although it was probably a bit different than your situation but still. Others have suggested some really good ideas that sound like they are worth trying.

I am assuming you live on campus, which means that a great way to meet people would be in the cafeteria. During my orientation at college, I didn't know anyone, so I randomly sat by random people. One of the girls is actually one of my best friends now. It took me a while my freshman year, but I finally found a great niche of people and we have our little group. Like mllebamako mentioned, your residence hall is a great place to meet friends. I met one of my best friends in the bath room just brushing my teeth in the morning. Instead of sitting in your room alone all of the time, you could go sit in the common area and make conversation with people. Ask them if they want to watch a movie or something. Leaving your door open can also help. We have dry erase boards on our doors, so if you have something like that, you could put on it for people to stop by and say hello. It can really work. Our school also has a ton of events that happen all week. For instance, we have movie nights on Wednesdays.

I also agree that not everyone else goes out to party on the weekends or whatnot. My friends and I used to hang out weekend nights just watching movies and gossiping and whatnot. Now that we all live in different dorms now and have a lot more going on, we do not do that a lot now. My roommate and I often just hang out in our room watching a movie, surfing the net, or doing homework. However, you can still hang out during the week as well, which we often do.

If these things do not help, I would possibly encourage you to have a talk with your SO about this. I know you want to talk to him every second you can since you cannot talk to him that often, but I do not think asking for one night is too much--even if it means you only get one with him. You need to have friends too. That would probably be my last resort though if the other things do not work.

[Rosebud]

I do have trouble making new friends though I'm not sure how much that has to do with how much time I spend with my bf. When my old friends from high school are in town it's fine when I tell him I want to spend a night out with them and he's alright with it and tells me to have fun, so that's not really the issue. Mostly it's very difficult for me to meet new people as I'm very shy and I've been told I come off rather mean or antisocial at times. I don't do it intentionally but I get nervous, around new people, I'm extremely self conscious and I honstly just don't smile very much (which apparently to other people means that I'm glaring). I don't do any of these things on purpose and it does hurt my feelings when I'm told people avoid me or are scared of me (alright, I kind of like it when people are afraid, but in a friendly joking way, not the genuine way I usually get). But this does make it very difficult for me to meet new people. I have managed to sometimes make new friends online but even then I'm also told I sometimes have an attitude when I don't intend to have one so at times I do outright seclude myself as it begins to feel I have a natural prickly personality which makes me upset.

Anyway, enough of me, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and in your case you seem to have the advantage in that you sound like a very sweet person And I think you've recieved a lot of good suggestions here already! Since you are in university I'd think you'll have an easier time finding people with more flexible schedules where you won't be as limited to only the weekends. Checkout clubs and groups from your campus where they might have meetings Monday through Friday. Or volunteer someplace. Lots of volunteer places usually have alot of various hours that need to be filled so you can usually find a day that works for you and you'll meet a lot of new people.

Good luck!

[amandamayaaa]

i did 2 years ago when i went to a private college and lived in a dorm.. but it actually had nothing to do with my boyfriend, i wasn't even with him at the time

i'm not shy once i get to know someone, but i'm pretty shy and not extremely outgoing when i'm put in a situation where i know no one.. and have to remake all new friends

i would just sit in my dorm and talk to my old friends instead of going out and trying to make new ones

sure i would go out to clubs sometimes, but i think a lot of it had to do with i didn't like my roommate.. like at all

anyways, all i can say is i really regret not being more outgoing and trying to make more friends and have fun, but you're in completely different situation seeing how yours has to deal with your boyfriend

just talk to your friends about it and tell them you wanttt to go out more

[sabby64]

:P I've made like 2 friends in the 2 months I've been here, and it's driving me crazy as well. My SO isn't anti-social, but he just genuinely likes being alone, which I find crazy, because I'm used to always being around a noisy, crazy house and always being out with friends. Hell, for the last month of summer I was only home to sleep, and sometimes not even then, and all this silence and alone time is ridiculous.

I don't know, I just haven't been able to find the motivation to make new friends. The friends I do have are only at-school friends and we never hang out, since they're so busy. The Xbox and internet have replaced real friends, and it's driving me nuts, I know how you feel.