My own issues are causing us issues now.

[Caidsys]

In my introduction post which I doubt everyone has read I explained I'm a female to male transsexual. Which for those who don't know and don't feel like googling means I'm a man stuck in a woman's body and doing everything in my power to escape it. Or at least trying since I'm poor.

When Reese and I first got together I had concerns that I would change or become selfish like most other ftms when they start transitioning and push him away. Both of which are now occurring. I've changed a lot mostly for the better, but I'm much more independent now and I'd say my focus went from being 80% on Reese and I's relationship and 20% on my transition to being 95% on my transition and about 5% on us. I'm about to start working on seeing a therapist and having my name legally changed and on top of my dysphoria I also have general depression that makes me not want to be around anyone. We broke up very very temporarily because of all a couple weeks ago of this which was my doing not his, but he really wanted to be with me so we ended up getting back together fairly quickly.

I don't feel any of this is fair to him because I don't feel I can give him all the love he deserves, but he doesn't want to lose me and really I don't want to lose him, but if I don't start working on my physical transition it's going to be the death of me literally I can't live in this body anymore I'm so miserable and I feel so wrong all the time even when I'm binding and packing because I know the female body is still there. I don't know what to do anymore and I also have my suspicions that he's cheating on me with his ex. I found a bunch of flirty messages on facebook on his wall between the two of them and ever since I brought it up he's been ignoring me so I don't really know what to do anymore. I mean if he is cheating I understand I should be taking care of his emotional needs, but I don't think I'm capable right now and I don't know that I should be with anyone at all right now espcially a LDR. I mean I love him don't get me wrong, but I can't be there for him the way I should right now even though he's never not been there for me even with all his problems.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

[LadyMarchHare]

You're going through something that, as far as I've seen, requires a lot of focus on yourself. That he's stuck around through it, I think, says a lot about him even if there are some issues going on. But if he's cheating, that needs to be addressed whether he wants it to or not because you're still in a relationship, you're still his SO, and just because you have depression and you're going through every day feeling like you were packaged wrong doesn't give him the right to flit off elsewhere.

Pardon if this sounds weird, it's something I learned in therapy. Don't use 'should' statements, because in reality there's no should. Life shouldn't be any certain way, people shouldn't act any certain way, we're all different and can't adhere to a 'should'. So saying you're not there for him the way you 'should' be is kinda silly because in reality you're there for him as much as you can be right now. This is a tough thing, and this is coming from an outsider on the subject.

Have you tried talking to Reese about how you're feeling right now and how you could use his support, that yeah it'll take time for you to be as affectionate or 'there' as you were, but you're still the same person deep down who cares? I'm not sure if he fully understands the weight of the situation here with you. The flirting on Facebook needs addressing too (I think I said that already, ah well) because it bothers you and you don't need anymore stress on you like that. Ask him how he feels about all this too, get his side, so that you guys can work on being on the same page or figure out if a permanent break up is in order.

Best of luck.

[Caidsys]

Thank you for the advice LadyMarchHare. I've never heard that said about the word should before, but I suppose you're right. He understands better then most people he's bigendered, but currently leaning more towards the masculine side. I think that's a great deal of the reason why he's able to stick around because in all my other relationships no one has understood that dysphoria isn't something I can just turn on and off or why transitioning is so important to me. He understands because he's in the same shoes basically. I mean there's also the fact he loves me obviously, but most people just can't understand why all of this is such an issue. I feel bad that it puts so much pressure on us though.

As for the cheating I really really want to address it because it bugs me a great deal mostly because it's the ex he left to be with me. It bothers me a lot because they were in a close by sort of relationship and are still near each other and spend time together all the time. It didn't really bother me much until I saw his facebook because I'm friends with some of my exes as well and I trust him. I'm hoping he gets on tonight so I can talk to him in a hopefully reasonable manner and find out what exactly is going on.

[LadyMarchHare]

I have a few issues myself and I've picked up a few 'tricks' from my therapists. I find the should thing important because everyone does it and it can really bother us. Plenty of people are ignorant to just how hard it is to be in the wrong body or any other issue that's similar. They think the process of changing is easy or you can 'get over' it, but you can't so I think that having that support is a plus. There's another user here in a similar situation whose boyfriend is supportive as well.

Well when you do talk to him, try just telling him how it makes you feel and try your best not to assume. We don't wanna start fights over an assumption of something but yes the situation needs to be nipped in the bud and the reasoning found so you guys can work on it together and move past it. There's nothing wrong with staying in contact with an ex or being friendly, but there is a line and it isn't a fine one, either. Again best of luck to you.