i hate to bother anyone, but i need some advice here.

[Revtechslady]

I know it seem's that when i post something that im always asking for help, & im very sorry, but i really need some advice. As it seem's that i may be leaving LFAD soon, because my LDR is slowly ending, something that i thought that i would never be hearing myself say. I have tried talking with my SO about our problems, & he said's either we are going in circle's & getting nowhere or he think's that im blaming his job now, he has literaly came out in his own word's & said to me that he doesnt do anything wrong that it's all me, you dont know how much that crushed me, there was a time where i wouldnt say much to him & he had something to say about that, so i started talking more to him & now i get accused of dwelling on things. He suppose to call tonight & i dont know weather to answer the phone or not, because im afraid that i will say something wrong. All my friend's keep telling me to dump him & move on, that's easier said then done. Because i am still so much inlove with him, but im also exhausted from living up to his expectation's. Can someone please tell me what i should do, im at the end of my rope here.

[Rach321]

I'm very sorry to hear about the problems in your relationship... I hope that they can be resolved in a way that you feel comfortable with.

A couple of things:

I know that it can be tempting to avoid talking about it to put off what seems to be inevitable- the end of the relationship.... But not talking about it will only make things worse for you, as you're still thinking about it and worrying about it. But perhaps the way of talking about it is problematic. I'm not really sure what problems you have, but for him to say that it's all you seems like he doesn't really hear what you are really saying to him (or doesn't want to think about it). There could be a few reasons for this- two I can think of is that he wants the relationship to end and is using this as a way to end it indirectly, or he really doesn't see that there is a problem and doesn't understand why you are talking about it.

Have you tried writing to him? As in a letter or email (not chat or IM'ing) so that you can really think about what you want to say?

In the end, if he's not willing to hear your concerns and work on them, then this relationship is probably not going to last. But I encourage you to think about ways that you might help him to better understand you... Best wishes!

[Gurl]

The best things you can do is take stock and decide what is best for YOU....Then work from there. I know you love him, but loving him also means you have to do the best you can for you. Otherwise you are not only short changing yourself but him as well...But definitely answer that phone, not answering out of spite is not cool ya know?

[folclor]

Hey. I'm really sorry to hear that you're having problems, but I'm going to say something that my boyfriend told me at the beginning of our relationship: You shouldn't be trying to live up to someone else's expectations. You shouldn't have to worry about 'saying something wrong.' That, alone, means, to me at least, that he has much more to do with the problem than he's admitting.

I can't say 'dump him' because I don't know the entire situation, but relationships are a two way street and there's no way that all of the problems caused there are your fault. But you need to take time to look at the situation and decide whether you're staying in this relationship so that you can live up to someone else's expectations and because you feel comfortable there, or because you think it's right for you. Don't stay just because it's comfortable. If you're being blamed for everything and you're just bringing up your feelings, that's not a good thing.

Sorry if my thoughts seem very scattered. ^^; My mind is not working today.

[Revtechslady]

He know's that we are having problem's, he has also said to me that i didnt know how to have a normal conversation without bringing up our problem's, i told him that we cant just sweep the problem's under a rug & expect them to just go away, he claim's that we cant get over a problem, that we go in circles & get nowhere or that i dwell on it, i may do dwell on somethings but that is because i dont feel like we have got past the problem. i mean he has really hurt me & i cant tell him about it, because again he will say here we go, you cant let it go. he just started a new job last week after being out of work a couple month's & i keep telling myself that its stress, but stress or no stress he had no right to say what he said to me. i just cant believe here it is almost time for me to move to his state with him, & all this suddenly comes up. if hes wanting this relationship to end, then he needs to tell me that, but leave me hanging & throw a few hurtful words to me every now & then. i feel like hes wanting me to break up with him, instead of him breaking up with me, so he can tell people that she broke up with me. i honestly thought that me & him was really meant to be together, we have so much in common in just about everything, we think alike, we know what each other's thinking, we finish each other's sentences, all of it. i really dont wont to lose him, but i fear that its too late.

[lunamea]

I get accused of dwelling on problems all the time, too. I'm guilty as charged, I have to admit. I'm a great worrier and overthinker, I'm paranoid and jealous and all the bad things you can be, I guess. :P My husband and I are up to a point where my slightest hint of something wrong makes him mad, which in turn makes me even sadder. So, I still do the dwelling from time to time, but in the end, I usually realize that I should've taken a step back first and considered whether it's really important enough an issue to dwell on. Usually, it isn't, because I often worry/get mad about things that are either past or in the future and/or that I can't influence, anyway.

I think you need to ask yourself the same questions: will talking about it solve the problem? Is there a way your bf can make it better or are you just victims of circumstance?
I get the feeling that you feel deeply about this and your bf comes across like a lot of men, I'd say... wanting to avoid conflict. My husband's mantra also is "we could be so happy if we didn't talk about our problems" LOL... There's some things you have to let go, but others, those issues that won't just go away and that you can't live with, you have to talk about.

Perhaps another strategy would be to play his "game" for a while... pretend (if you can), like he wants you to, that everything is okay for a few days... it may be very hard, but try to have a normal conversation and see how he reacts. If he wants to stay with you, he'll be overjoyed that you "finally let it go", if he brings something else up or doesn't seem happy that you get along better now, that would be suspicious...

[Zephii]

I'm not really sure what the problems that you are trying to deal with are so it is hard to give advice, but I'll have a crack at it anyway.
The best relationship advice I can give is "pick your battles". You can not have everything perfect, and you wont get an apology for everything that goes wrong - or at least not until ages later in some cases. Focus on the issues that are truly important and then just let the other ones go.
Write down what issues you have between you, then brainstorm all the possible solutions you can think up. Deal with what you can alone and then when you bring the rest up with him, don't do it all at once. When I'm having problems with Obi I try not to have more than one big discussion in 48 hours. I try and give time for things to settle down, and time to show him that I still love him and we still work well together. Positive reinforcement is your friend. When you notice he is trying to improve something, even if he falls a little short, compliment him. You don't have to make a fuss over it, just let him know you see his efforts. Without recognition people tend to stop trying.

The other thing is sometimes things can not be solved right away. Sometimes you just don't have the tools or the information and you have to put it on the shelf for later.

I hope some of this ramble is useful
best of luck to you both

Oh and PS you so don't have to leave just because you're not long distance anymore!!

[Mio]

Hope you can come to a decision that would end in happiness in the long run!

[Tanja]

Maybe you should take a break and see how it feels? If he's not willing to work on the problems and keeps accusing you then he's not committed to your relationship either. Might be best if you took some time apart, got some perspective and then tried talking again. I hope things will work out for the best!