Broke up- needing help to stay away.

[TristenLove]

So some of you, maybe most of you, know that Mic and I split due to the fact that he has shown abusive behaviors. Well, he sent me an email today. The first one I've EVER gotten from him. It broke my heart but I know he's just trying to get to me. And I just need help staying strong and not giving in and taking him back.
Just to show you how much help I need to avoid replying, Here's the email:

I know it is out of the ordinary for me to send you an email in fact I don't think i ever did but with how I am feeling I figure it was time to change that. My Heart has been aching and crying out in pain without any knowledge or idea on how to stop it all. All I am able to think about is how i don't want you with anyone else and that despite everything we truely did work. I for once haven't been sleeping only like one or two hours a night. I can't seem to focus on anything. I went to the doctor again on friday and i have Carpal tunnel in one hand and the original finger wasnt sprained but has some sort of contracture that is degenerative i wil need surgery sometime later also I am been sent to a dermatologist for my dark spots on my nose once again checking for cancer; however this time I am alittle worried one of them has been getting darker I noticed. Not gonna lie kinda scared by that. It was my mom's birthday on monday she turned 52 I think. I called her for the first time since i had been here. I have never been great at expressing my feelings but in this case i have no choice. I am in pain Love and lots of it. I am awaiting the documents for divorce. You what hurt the most my dad asked about you. He had remember the things I had told him about you and he wanted to know how we were doing and if he should prepare more of the family to the idea of a "wife swap" for me. I really didn't want to tell him the truth so I changed the subject quickly. You have been all i have been able to think about and have dialed your number so many times to try and call but scared that i will be pushed away. You know I am not one to talk of feelings especially thru messages or email but this seemed to be the only way i could bring myself to do it. I am not even sure you will read it but I have to cling to hope even where none exists. I am and will remain yours. Nothing feels right knowing that your not mine. I hope you read this I love you

[mllebamako]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. I mean, break-ups are hard enough without the other person pulling this kind of crap.

I'm afraid this is classic abusive behavior. I was in a relationship with a man who was emotionally/verbally abusive and he did this shit all the time! He would yell at me, call me names, make me cry. And the next day there he would be with a dozen roses or a love letter. This is the cycle that abusers take you on.


He is obviously trying to win you back. He is remorseful but if he has done it in the past, he will most likely do it again. He will yell at you and punch the wall and be angry and make you feel bad. It's not worth it. He is also trying to make you feel sorry for him with all the talk of his medical problems and his parents. I'm not saying those aren't real, but you cannot feel bad about them, they are not your responsibility. Another part that got to me was this: "All I am able to think about is how i don't want you with anyone else". That, to me, is such a selfish and controlling thing to say.

Every time you go around this cycle you will lose a small part of who you are. It's not worth it.
Like you said in your post...you need to stay strong and not give in. Hit the delete button. Do not write him back.

Sorry if I went long in this response. I just know how emotionally scarring abuse can be and I pray for you to have the strength and courage to get out of it.
So we are here. For anything you need.

[Čternity]

I'm just going to try to be honest. I don't think you should go back to him or even reply just yet if at all. I don't know your situation exactly, only you do, but anyway, my impression is this. I read the email. A couple of times. I heard a lot about what he wants. How sad he is. How it's not what he wants. His finger, his pain, his shame in not telling his father.

I didn't hear anything about him being sorry for his abuse or saying he is doing anything to work on it or seeing a professional about it. I heard him not owning up to his part in this. I don't know. He seems to want to keep up the appearances of a relationship rather than admit that things need work on his end. Him getting a divorce won't change the issues of anger he has.

This freaked me out

Nothing feels right knowing that your not mine.

I hate the thought of someone wanting to 'own' me. Maybe, it's my stuff that triggers me about that statement, it doesn't feel safe to me.

He needs to find happiness and resolve his issues independantly. You can't 'make things right' by being with him. Just my thoughts, it's a difficult situation. You need time to get clearer about want you want. It's all very raw and fresh at the moment.

My cynical self thinks that you have just received the 'sad' email, the next could be the 'angry' one blaming and threatening you for causing all his pain and not going back to him. Not to make light of or belittle the situation but my 8 year old son's rants at me go along those lines... ie it's all your fault that my life sucks - if you give in to me and what I want we will both be happy again, noone needs to know, it will be our secret and I'll stop behaving like this.... til the next time they want something or do something you don't like.

Its all very emotional and blaming without accepting their contribution to the situation and the blow up. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a horrible situation.

[seshei]

I understand how hard it is to stay away. I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship myself. It started with just words, moved on to pushes and shoves, being slapped around, being beat up pretty good, and I nearly lost my life when he put a phone cord around my neck. And, still, it was hard to break that connection when I left him. It's normal for it to be difficult. That's how the cycle works.

When I left my ex, I got emails, phone calls, messages through other people. It was hard to deal with that, and hard not to respond. It got even more difficult that when I didn't respond, he'd make threats- either about hurting himself, or hurting me. Those threats were even harder to deal with. I wondered if it wasn't easier just to reply to the less nasty stuff he threw my way. What he's doing is what abusers do.

I'm just telling you the slightest bit about my experience so that you see that you're not alone. That it's normal to be tempted by those emails. Do yourself a favor. Delete them without reading them. If he continues to send them, change your email address. If he starts calling, if you can block him- do so. If not, change your number so he can't keep calling. It's very inconvenient to do so, yes. But, it's very much worth the relief.

Stay strong. Maybe look for a support group, or have a few appointments with a therapist. You'll thank yourself later for not being drawn back in by him.

[true_survivor_586]

they say it takes someone on average 7 times to finally break away from a abusive situation..do you really wanna go through that, i think what every one else has said so far is right on the dot, there are a lot of websights and support groups that can help

[Caitlin2009]

honey DO NOT go back to him because like everybody has stated its abuse especially this part


"All I am able to think about is how i don't want you with anyone else and that despite everything we truely did work."

that is a classic abusers theme song!! he cant stand the thought of you being with anybody else because he's controlling and abusive, and if you go back to him it will only get worse! block his email, change your number, ect do what you gotta do to get rid of him because he will not change!!! people like that never do!

[hxcbreakdance]

It's hard but I have been in a similar situation and as much as it hurts you will be so much happier in the end just try to stay strong and keep telling yourself this is better for you!

[paulawriteslove]

I can't tell you what to do since I'm not in your situation. But I think you should take some time to yourself and think about how you feel. Write a pro and con list if you want. But if you really are considering getting back with him you should put A LOT of thinking time invested in your final decision.