Half in, Half out

[Andrax1]

Ok i'll do this bit short . So me and my SO broke up about 3 months ago,it was a hard few months, i send her a letter apologising for my bad behaviour. then i didnt talk to her atall for about 2 weeks, she then emails me saying that shes sorry for being mean, n she missed me and wanted to talk to me again. So the last month we have started to talk, and have fun again,im still giving her space and not overblowing her mind with text messages and so on.. shes done pretty much all the contacting.She said that she never stoped loving me,i know her feelings for me are there, whats why i dont want to give up on her. i also sent her a book and card for her birthday which is on its way. But the thing is im still getting some mixed emotions from her...for example: one day she is really chatty and nice with me, the next day seems distant (Hot & Cold) behaviour. Ive noticed a pattern...normaly if im the person making contact with her she seems cold. If she contacts me she seems happy, so yeah i let her do most of the contacting.

I know pretty much exaclty what i did wrong,over the time we had appart ive fixed my mistakes and genrealy feel like ive grown


What i need to know is how to deal with this behaviour and put an end to it eventualy?
how can i get my LDR love back?

thank you

[Čternity]

I think you need to have an honest chat with her and agree on where you both are with this relationship. Is it on or off? If it's on then agree on visits, communication, trust and that good stuff. But you really need to know whether you are in a relationship or not because it seems to be running hot and cold.

[paulawriteslove]

I agree with Eternity. You need to have a talk with him and figure out what you two are. You should also talk about your feelings for each other and what you like and don't like about certain things so then maybe you won't have this on or off thing happen again. Best of luck!!!

[CynderAngel]

Open communication is so important. If she doesn't like it when you initiate the contact, there must be a reason. If it was me, I'd want to find out what that reason is. It seems to be causing some strain in your relationship. As the others have suggested, talk it out.

Welcome to the forum, by the way.

[Andrax1]

Hmm thanks, im thinking it through but im wondering is it such a good idea to go rushing into these kind of things recently after a break up?

[LadyMarchHare]

There's no time like the present. You have questions, she needs to supply answers, you guys have to talk about where you stand SOLIDLY instead of flopping on her whim or whoever's whim that day and letting the wind take you. There needs to be stability either in it being over or it being a relationship still otherwise it's gonna drive you both up the wall of a skyscraper.

[blankita719]

I don't think it's rushing it just to have an open and honest discussion with her about what you are feeling. It hurts when you have hope that something will work out, and find out that actually it's been one sided all along. Not saying that it is, of course, but you should be able to have the kind of conversation where you let her know that you're willing to take things slowly again but you want to make sure this is going to lead where you both want it to go. Good luck - keep us posted aroud here

[Andrax1]

Well shes being hot and cold for a reason, it must be, maybe to get some attention or still figuring out what she wants. I think showing that im affected by her behaviour wont help me atall when trying to get her back, it will just show im weak and cant handle it. its got to the stage now where i can predict what her behaviour will be like, even before talking with her, that actualy helps me alot because i know what to expect and how to deal with it. If i give her nothing to be cold about shes just inflicting it on herself, maybe she'll get tired of it, if that makes sence.

[LadyMarchHare]

Hon showing you have emotions does NOT make you weak. Common misconception. What you're suggesting you do is very destructive and may make it worse because guess what you're doing? You're ASSUMING. You don't know any of it for true and that's where talking comes in. Relationships are about communicating and one of you has to step up to the plate and start the communication process. So guess who it gets to be? You, big guy. Sitting back and hoping she wears herself out is as childish as what she's doing regardless if there's a reason. One of you needs to be mature about this and cut the crap.

[CynderAngel]

I don't think she's that likely to simply "get tired" of her behavior. You gave some possible reasons for her behavior. If she wants attention, who does she want it from? Assuming it's you, an open conversation could be exactly what she wants, but she doesn't know how to or doesn't want to initiate it. If she's still figuring out what she wants, it seems pretty important that you know what she's thinking, and, again, you can only get this information through open communication. Her cold attitude almost seems passive aggressive to me -- like it's a variation of the silent treatment.

Letting her know that her behavior is upsetting you isn't showing weakness. You have some legitimate concerns. Honestly, her behavior should affect you. It shows that you care about the relationship, and I think she needs to know that. I never feel closer to my boyfriend than when he gets the courage and strength to talk to me about his feelings. There are times when he is hesitant to do so (pretty rare, but it happens), and when he doesn't talk to me, I feel the tension, and I don't like it. A good conversation about our feelings makes both of us feel better.

These are just my opinions, and I really don't know how much sense they make. Good luck. Keep us updated on what's going on.

[LadyMarchHare]

CynderAngel made the nicer point here. Honestly it sounds like you're looking for a solution where you do absolutely nothing and say just as much like everything's her fault, you've absolved yourself. Everything you've been saying is assumption. You don't know if she's still hung up on the past or anything else, you may be reading her intentions wrong which is easy to do via text or even phone. The only way to get a clear picture on the screen here is talking about it, because like CynderAngel said, she wants YOUR attention, and for some reason. So find out why and talk about it like grown ups. If you honestly don't wanna make the effort and neither does she, then you guys are probably better off staying broken up. Relationships are only meant to cause headaches 30% of the time, not 80%.

[Andrax1]

Well yeah maybe that is right,but there are alot of signs i get from her when she is cold, for example: some sarcastic answers, Extreamly short answers,Hardly makes any effort to talk atall and so on. theres a pattern to all this i have noticed because after each contact we make, i briefly write down how it went and how she seemed towards me.this might sound silly, but this is what happends.. i can tell you that i have noticed that she welcomes contact from me if we have not made any sort of contact atall in 2-3/4days, but any more than that then she gives me the cold behaviour, but i cant afford to make to much contact with her straight away..plus it doesent work anyways

this is an example:

day 1- went very well seemed very chatty and nice

day 4 - same again


But if i contact her any more this happens

day 6 - acting more distant, doesent make much effort, very short answers

[CynderAngel]

For the love of God, when you notice that she's acting distant, try asking her straight out why that is. Before y'all broke up, did you have a problem with communication too?