Losing Hope

[leonina]

The thing is… I’m running out of steam. I am stuck deep in the depths of depression because of my living situation, the stress of starting a new job, the tension between my divorced parents whose dishonesty is outrageous, and in the middle of all this I’m juggling a long distance relationship.

This relationship is becoming a burden on me. I can barely keep up the stamina to make myself keep going every day and take care of myself, but now I’m having to share the struggles of a relationship and someone else’s needs. I feel like buckling under the pressure all the time.

It has been five months since I moved and I probably cry ever day, or at least five days a week. That’s not good. It’s not good when I start bawling at work, or when I’m driving, or in my sleep. And for people who told me it would get easier – they lied, it only got worse. The jealousy got worse because he makes time to go out with his friends but can’t find the time to talk to me other than when I’m two yawns away from sleeping. Living my life is impossible to do. I can’t buy furniture, or get a pet, or start making plans to move into another place because everything is hanging on what his unknown future holds.

I want to change my life to make myself happier but this relationship gets in the way. I can’t register for classes for creative writing because if I start working towards my degree and he ends up in Pennsylvania then I’ll have to transfer and possibly lose those hard earned credits. I can’t even change my license plates to Maryland because he might be in D.C. in several months. It’s hard to make time for friends because I’m investing my free time into my relationship and working out.

The fact that I have no idea where he will be in seven months is just terrible. He could end up in upstate New York, several places in Pennsylvania, New York City, or maybe D.C. and I don’t want my life to be like this. I am so angry and upset with him all the time for not knowing where he will be and being an inconvenience to my life, and to my dreams.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I really don’t think I can survive another seven months of this crap without either breaking up or breaking down.

[BlackCherryJam]

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time! Have you talked with your SO about how you feel? I think it would be good to have a long talk about your situation. Tell him honestly how you're feeling but don't start accusing him, that would make him just upset and defensive. Ask him if he could make more time to be with you, tell him that you need him now.
If your relationship feels more like a burden you should really think about whether the relationship takes more than it gives you. Do you get enough love? You're now working so could you forget about the studying for now and do it later? What does the future look like?
Hope everything will be better soon! Take care
Oh, one more thing! I think you should meet your friends! I promise it will make you feel better. I wanted to talk with my BF every night because I missed him so much. I was stressed out because of studying and I thought I should spend my free time with him whenever I could. Then one night we met with my friends and it was so great! We didn't talk about studying or other worries, just had fun. Next day I was so glad to talk with my BF! So I suggest you to arrange time with your friends. It will relieve your stress and take your mind off of your SO. I think you need that.

[Zephii]

*Big squeezy hugs* Your pain and distress really come through that post. I think it's time for you to make a stand and get at least some of the things you need. Tell him flat out that right now your life is shit and you need the love, support and time from him that you deserve. Being in a relationship comes with a responsibility to be there for each other. Tell him you need him to make you a priority for a little while. Sometimes men are dense. (Yes women are too, no gender debate please) Because of the way they are wired it takes a man four times longer to pick up on subtle social cues than a woman, so you need to just flat out say "I need you right now!". There's no shame in this. Your relationship should be a safety net, a comfort that you can fall back within and gather the strength to go forward from. So talk to him, don't be afraid to show vulnerability.

Secondly perhaps you can find a creative writing course you can do via correspondence? It might not be the same degree, but it might still give you an edge. It must be so hard for you to pause your life for him

And try to do one nice thing for yourself every day. One nice thing to let yourself know that you still care about you, even if you are going through all this other crap. Have a long bath, paint your nails, burn relaxing scents in an oil burner, listen to something shameful like the spice girls because secretly you love it, read a good book instead of doing that mountain of dishes. Do things for you! Because you matter, you're special, you need to be nurtured. Make your mental health a priority. And come talk to me sometime if you need a shoulder and no one else is there.

Peace, Love & Carrots xx

[mllebamako]

Ditto to what Zephii said, excellent advice!

We are all here for you to vent to or cry to or anything you need! I hope that things start looking up for you soon.
Hugs

[paulawriteslove]

*hugs* I am so sorry that you're feeling like this. I think you need to tell your SO exactly how you're feeling and figure out a way to make you feeling happier. I think you should try to take some kind of writing class, or at least something that you really enjoy!

[LadyMarchHare]

Zephii hit the nail on the head. She has a talent for such precision.

I'm not sure if financial worries are a part of your 'cluster of hell', but if not maybe you could seek out a therapist to go to once a month or a counselor to vent and have someone listen. But I would definitely start setting up boundaries with your SO regarding his pile of crap and your parents as well. It's their issue, not yours, and believe me I know what can go on when there's rotten feelings I'm the child of divorced parents myself. Luckily you're an adult and can escape that, if only to a degree.

[Riyko]

What I say may sound a bit harsh although the intention isn't to be harsh.

I understand you want to be with your SO, but you shouldn't be putting your life on hold for him. You're stopping your life for him for something that may happen in several months while he is still living his life, it's making you miserable and it really shows in your post. If he really loves you, supports you and cares about you he will understand that you want to go to school for creative writing and if he really wants to be with you as well he would really work hard to find a job/get placed somewhere, where he will be close to you.