Getting that "spark" back.. Advice please! :)

[Patrick]

Hey there! So, I'm in a very complicated situation. A situation that would be easily corrected if we were local, but sadly we're 500 miles apart. Anyway.. last weekend, we had a major fight. I was too controlling in the relationship, somewhat needy, and I was far too dependent on her. I was "too much work".
As a result.. we're still together.. I'm so relieved. But she told me she's no longer "in love" with me. She no longer gets nervous when I text her, she doesn't text me as much, and she's not crazy about me like she used to be. I know this kind of thing can be reversed. I'm working on my own life, being less dependent and I'm not controlling at all anymore. I just don't want conflicts. She still values me, we've been best friends for years. She still likes me a lot.
Now the obvious result would be to make every day an adventure for her. Make it exciting again. We may see each other in a week. If not, it'll be another two months before we see each other again. But I'm not sure what to do. I know this relationship won't get back on track overnight. I've been given a second chance.. now I'm just.. not quite sure what to do. I'm focusing more on my own life, but how do I help get that "excitement" back?

Thanks!

-Patrick

[Čternity]

Hey Patrick, I'm going to be honest and LDRs are hard if both people aren't putting in the effort. It's great that you are focusing on your own life and getting stuff sorted so you can be independently happy. It's important so you aren't pining after the other person and can keep busy and fulfilled in your own life.

Firstly you need to be sure she is really in this relationship with you and not just in limbo sort of in a relationshp 'being friends' because its easier for her at the moment than breaking up you both being sad.

You said

But she told me she's no longer "in love" with me.

and

She still values me, we've been best friends for years.

I value my friends, even my long distance ones but I'm sure as anything I don't and couldn't put the effort into my LDR if he wasn't doing the same. So make sure you aren't in the friends basket now and she just hasn't told you. Better to get that hard conversation out of the way first NOW and not in six months when it is going to be so much more awful if its not the case.

Anyway, ok so if you get past that and she really does want to make it work. LDRs are in some cases like regular relationships in that they need variety to survive with a spark. Its nice to get into a routine so you know when you are going to see or talk to them but doing random unexpected stuff is always exciting. I'm not sure what your budget is or how often you talk but have a look at the 90+ things on the main site to see what you can do to keep the spark alive. Unexpected emails, flowers, postcards, FB updates, all sorts of things help.

If you are serious about keeping in touch maybe get a webcam so you can see each other and talk. Find out the little things that are important to her. Maybe a text before the class she hates or before she starts work might brighten up her day, But she needs to be giving back too. Its not all about her.

Hope things work out - have the talk to make sure she really wants the relationship and that she gets its two way and not just your second chance, its a second chance for both of you. Make sure she is both feet in this not just putting off having the hard discussion.

[paulawriteslove]

First and foremost welcome to the forums Maybe send her a love letter in the mail or send her flowers. That always puts a smile on a girls face. Do something to surprise her and let her know how much you care for her. I can tell by how you write about her that you care a lot! But try to show her in a cute sweet way Best of luck!

[Patrick]

Thanks for the helpful replies! To clarify, we recently hit the three month mark. We're definitely still together. She's just not feeling that feeling.. That rush when I text her, when she used to be crazy about me. She said she doesn't "love" me. Is it possible to make that come back? It'll take time, but I think I can do it. She's lost attraction for me once before we were together, but it somehow came back. (Not sure how..) She wants to make it work as well. She also said to me that she WANTS to feel that attraction for me again, but she doesn't right now. Yeah, mail idea might work, thanks!

[mllebamako]

Has she been in many relationships before? I mean, you guys are just passing the three months mark...the honeymoon stage is ending. I am excited when I get something from my fiance...but there isn't the same rush that I first had. Maybe she is just expecting things to stay a certain way and it freaked her out that they changed a bit?
If she wants to make things work and is willing to put in the effort...then great! But if she doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to put in the effort that LD requires...well then, there isn't much you can do.

I hope that you guys figure it out! We're all rooting for you

[Karringtyn]

I agree about the honeymoon stage. Relationships aren't a three ring circus that is suppose to keep us "entertained" constantly..it is a two way act. I would seriously ask yourself what your payoff is in this. Second chances are wonderful but both parties must be in it 100 percent...

[Čternity]

Relationships aren't a three ring circus that is suppose to keep us "entertained" constantly..it is a two way act.

oooo I like this!

[Silviar]

It's pretty normal to not feel constant butterflies once you've been in a relationship together. That's what happens when the first honeymoon phase passes. Now it's time to show her how much you care. There's a list of things for couples to do that LFAD has you can peruse. Try to do things that she really likes - flowers, or a long sweet email. And make sure you talk to her and own up for your part of the mess. Good luck.

[paulawriteslove]

Thanks for the helpful replies! To clarify, we recently hit the three month mark. We're definitely still together. She's just not feeling that feeling.. That rush when I text her, when she used to be crazy about me. She said she doesn't "love" me. Is it possible to make that come back? It'll take time, but I think I can do it. She's lost attraction for me once before we were together, but it somehow came back. (Not sure how..) She wants to make it work as well. She also said to me that she WANTS to feel that attraction for me again, but she doesn't right now. Yeah, mail idea might work, thanks!

It sounds like the 'honey moon stage' is over. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 yr 10 months and we're still in love, but we're at a way higher level of love then we were in the first few months of dating.

[Lunar Snow]

Welcome, Patrick.

There is lots of great advice on here for you already and I agree with so much of it. My SO and I are past the honeymoon stage and I definitely respect the difference and the trade-off of constant, nervous elation for other wonderful things like romantic companionship and commitment. Plus, my guy and I are pretty busy right now (particularly him). While I actually would not to have the intense feelings of the honeymoon stage again (intense in that way, anyway), I do miss some things sometimes about the spark and would seriously love it if I was sent some flowers or a card now and again. My guy is very spontaneous and romantic, but I think we have been weighed down by the distance and being busy lately and think that we could both do with a bit of that spark. However, I don't think that hinting around for "spontaneous" flowers or cards, etc. really works so well and kind of misses the point. Errr...what am I trying to say (sorry, mega tired!)? I guess that some spontaneous, romantic acts (they don't have to be super frequent or expensive, either) can really add some spark back into a relationship, but I often find that some partners don't always know how to express the need for those sorts of acts to each other--go for some little surprise for her!

However, I do caution that, as the others say, make sure that she is actually on the same page as you. I'm being a little cynical tonight, but it seems like this girl is making you work awfully hard to win something from her or convince her to feel something that should be more freely given (love). It's one thing to be repairing a relationship and working on qualities to improve how you treat her (e.g. being less controlling and taking an active interest in independent activities). It may be true that she feels a bit uncomfortable with feeling or expressing certain things as you both work through things together (I think the key about some of this is that she is part of the "together"), which is fine. ...but I think that it might be a bit of a pattern of saying that she is falling in and out of love with you or is more or less attracted to you and that seems rather cruel or even controlling to me. Sure, if I have a fight with my SO, I may feel angry with him or need some space or if he has ridiculous onion breath or something, I may not feel like jumping his bones, but I don't play around with "I love you, I love you nots." As others have questioned, do you know her relationship past? It seems a little like she does recognize the honey moon phase as love or being in love and, really, nothing else. As you know (based on how you are expressing your feelings about her), there is more beyond that initial phase and it does take work.

So, maybe have another talk with her and see where she stands on the relationship. Be sure to come back here, if you need help! Plus, if we know a little more, we can probably tailor the advice more specifically for your situation.

[amandamayaaa]

i'm not sure if she's romantic at all.. but maybe try being more romantic? or just be the guy you were when she fell in love with you.. and i'm sue you know that exact time, and how you were.. just be yourself, and try not to let too many things bother you