How do you handle the LDR communication 'short circuit'?

[Dauntedpoet]

Well today my SO and I had one of our rare communication 'short circuits'

You know, the kind that happen when your typing or texting, and all of a sudden you realize they are taking what you've said completely the wrong way, and though you try to sort it out to get back on the same page, it just doesn't feel the same?

I just wondered how everyone else handles a communication short circuit in their LDR?

I do this thing where I set the entire conversation aside, I go back to the previous conversation, and rely on those feelings, and words, and connections, to get me through to the next time we talk (usually the next day) and after we've chatted about everything, we go back and tackle the jist of the miscommunication.

[Caitlin2009]

lol happens to me often since i have ADD, sometimes i notice myself and will correct it before i send it, sometimes i dont and she points it out and im like ohhh shit didnt mean it that way i meant it like this and i explain what i really meant

[Yorkshire Girl]

Ahhhh I can relate to this entirely. Me and my SO communicate via text, as he has no internet access, no landline and the post isnt very relaible. So he has a cell phone and we text every day and I call him once a week (its cheaper from the UK as I have a deal) So lots of times miscommunication occurs ... usually because I ask him so many questions and he tries to cram all the answers into one message, shortening words and sentences. Then I read things too deeply sometimes and slap bang I find I have picked up on something. Plus when I text him if I'm rushing on the train I try text him back quickly and end up missing lots of info out.

I am working on handling this problem ... probably by not asking as many questions and not putting all the information I want to tell him in a text message. Therefore I write on in a notepad things I want to tell him or ask him as I am thinking of them, then we have a more deeper meaningful conversation on the phone. And text messages seem so much simpler! =)

[Micah]

We save anything that requires explanation, or a lot of verbiage, for a phone conversation. We leave texting for basic questions and comments. I think that's why we have never really experienced misunderstandings via texting/typing (we don't IM).

[mllebamako]

We don't run into this problem very often and I think it's because almost all of our communication is done on the phone and skype. I used to send him a text message every morning with 1 thing I love about him BUT skype decided to just stop sending those the last few days ?
So now we're back to no written communication. Could be worse.

[Silviar]

When that happens, we both have an understanding that we try to give each other a break because the distance makes communicating effectively hard - you know, no voice or tonal expressions and whatnot. So, we kind of had a chat about how we both will agree to let go and understand how LDR can bung a conversation up, and it's worked wonders for us.

[noodle]

Happend a few times lol
We argue/fight about it and end up realizing that its stupid what we did ^^ and that it actually was a missunderstanding lol
Than we apologzied for like hours and than it's ok again
I'm very straight with him so I show him how I feel or what I think without thinkin about possibly hurtin him. But he understands it and knows that its difficult for me to now have him around etc
Plus we both feel the same way when things like that happen so we can relate on how the other one feels which makes it easier to understand

[squiddie]

I backtrack and explain myself. Plain and simple.

[Dauntedpoet]

When that happens, we both have an understanding that we try to give each other a break because the distance makes communicating effectively hard - you know, no voice or tonal expressions and whatnot. So, we kind of had a chat about how we both will agree to let go and understand how LDR can bung a conversation up, and it's worked wonders for us.

That is exactly what makes the short circuit happen - the lack of tonal expression. We cannot afford to call each other, we occasionally video chat, but that requires privacy that I don't often have. We have a similar agreement about leaving HUGE room for misunderstandings, and trusting each other.

Thanks for the input LDF's

[Čternity]

We had a few at the start before the cam or calls when we only sent each other in game mail or IMed. Usually when tired or lonely and just typing whatever popped in to our heads because our time together was limited at that stage. I'd try and back track which sometimes made it better and sometimes worse.

I'm glad we get to talk more now instead of IM and text. I feel for those that don't have the luxury.

[Zephii]

We would stop and the person who had been misunderstood would have a chance to re-say what they were trying to say. Or if it had gotten way out of hand we'd break everything down into dot points until we were both on the same page. Sometimes that would require writing "Don't say anything until I'm done. Just 'listen'."

We also relied very heavily on *actions* and *expressions* to get past the tone thing. We were quite happy to type a little extra so the other person knew we had *tilted her head to listen, isn't sure she understands* or *takes your hand and speaks gently*. Our whole long distance relationship was one big role-play

[blankita719]

I try and backtrack as well and see if I can explain better. Or he will. If it's that bad, which it rarely ever is, then we just agree to place it on hold until we can talk.

[michy]

"Communication short-circuit"... great way to describe it, lol.

The only disagreements or heated words we've ever exchanged have been as a result of something that just didn't come through the right way in print, or was taken the wrong way. In our 16 months together I think we've had 3 misunderstandings because of it- not too bad, considering the amount of communication between us. We've discussed the fact that these things do happen, and we both agree that text-based communication has its limitations.

These points have helped us:
- Simply keeping in mind/being aware of those limitations helps lessen the agitation when a misunderstanding does occur.
- Accepting when an issue is the result of an unintentional miscommunication, and letting it go once this has been identified as the cause.
- Stopping text-based communication when things really get tangled up, and waiting to speak on phone or Skype to get it sorted out "in person".
- The understanding that most times, we are BOTH to blame for our communication short-circuits. One person says something bluntly, the wrong way, or without proper context, and another person gets irritated, hurt, or upset instead of asking for clarification & making sure they understand what has been said before reacting to it. It does take two.

We generally forgive, accept mutual fault, and forget. And we remind ourselves that out of 10,000 words we type to each other, we probably get 9,998 of them EXACTLY right... so we're doing pretty well, lol!