Open Relationships, Your Opinion/Experience?

[lucybelle]

My SO and I were sort of in this strange limbo for a while where we were saying we love each other, but we weren't actually in a relationship. (Heck we're still not technically in one now.)

So a few months ago I went traveling in Europe by myself. I met a lot of great people, had a blast, and ended up hooking up with a guy... twice. It was the most unpleasant sexual experience I ever had, and I think the guy took advantage of me (was pretty intoxicated...). Anyways, after that I had to ask my SO about our "status". We decided to keep things open because we both love being active so much that it would suck to be away from each other for so long without any action (we can all relate I'm sure!)

That made me feel much better. A little while later, I ended up hooking up with an old fling from a while back. It was just as unpleasant as this other guy. I didn't even feel anything when we kissed. This was odd for me because I had alllways loved hooking up with him before. He spent the night and the next day I ended up crying and blurting out I was in love with someone else... We're friends now, which I like much better.

So what I guess I'm getting at is what's your opinion or experience with open LDRs? I tried it and geeze, I don't think I even WANT to be with another guy. I don't know if he's been with anyone since me (we agreed to not tell each other and just stay safe) but he sometimes says things like "I don't like other girls anymore". So I guess it's not working out for either of us?

[milaya]

Well... guess the most important thing is that both partners agree to that it's an open relationship. I mean really "agree", because it's certainly something that can hurt feelings if both partners are not fully "committed" to that agreement.

That being said, I must admit I don't see the reason for open relationships. If two people love each other, then they should do their best to work on that. I just know it would break my heart if I knew my SO was with another girl. Guess for me being in love and being in a relationship with someone, kinda gives you the "they're mine" feeling (proud-wise... not possesive-wise, of course) Maybe that's why I don't understand open relationships.

But once again, I guess it depends on people. I'm certainly not judgmental when it comes to that, As long as nobody gets hurt, it should be fine. But... open relationships can sometimes be a like playing with fire. Since maybe people think they can handle it, but when it finally comes down to it, they get hurt.
And in some relationships, one partner might say they agree on it, in hopes on keeping the other part happy... and yes... ends up hurting.

I don't have any actual personal experience though. I mean I've casually dated guys, the times I was in Japan, but never called in a relationship. Also when I met my SO, we did all the things people in a relationship do, but we never said we had one. Therefore I still went on casual dates after (where I never did anything, besides talking, because I kept thinking of my SO) ... since we hadn't agreed on that we were in a relationship before later on. There were no "sealed deal". Guess what I'm trying to say is that I've never been in a open relationship and I don't think I would could do it.

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with milaya. If both parties are on the same page, then hopefully there's no room for hurt or what have you. But personally, I kinda find them stupid. Most open relationships I've witnessed have been for the sake of sex or getting the right to flirt/whatever without the relationship falling apart. I may have pent up sexual urges but I'm not about to ask my SO if it's cool that I see guys for one night stands but have my heart belong to him. I've had people argue that humans are not monogamous and we're "meant" to roam, but that's their opinion just like mine is if you're even in a hint of a relationship, your happy butt is glued to someone. Some. One. Casual dating and the complicated on/off again thing are different stories, though.

[justbreathe]

I think they might be able to work... but most of the time don't. I myself wouldn't be able to handle one. I don't like the thought of being with someone else while still being with my SO. Well matter of fact I can't imagine myself with anyone at all, besides him. And I definitely don't want to imagine my SO being with someone else! But besides that, I've never been into casual encounters, one night stands, etc so I don't understand the whole, wanting an open relationship thing.

[Silviar]

My opinion and experience is that I find them useless and a tool to drive a wedge into a relationship. While I wouldn't lecture anyone who's in an open relationship - to each their own, you know? - it's definitely not for me. Yes, it's important to have ground rules laid out and to both be on the same page, but what I've personally witnessed is that 90% of the time, even though they claim their on the same page, inevitably the break-up comes from one person interpreting the ground rules differently than the partner.

Sometimes, rarely, they can work, but it takes two pretty special people to do it.

Plus, honestly, it takes so much time and effort to have one relationship, I can't imagine having multiple. How exhausting. XD

[nicole]

Personally, to me, and open relationship isn't really a relationship. To me a relationship is a commitment- you stick together through the good things and when things just downright suck. Having an open relationship to me means you want the perks of the a relationship, but without the messy stuff what inevitably comes with it. Of course I have this opinion because I know for a fact I could never be in one. It's all or nothing for me.

But each to their own I guess. If both people are on the same page then way not? it's when one of them starts to drift away from the ground rules (which will almost certainly happen) when problems start to arise.

[Kirschlein]

I am really possessive and jealous and so everyone can guess already, that i don't like open relationships very much. I would die inside if i would know, that my SO hooks up with other girls than me... not to mention that i don't even want anyone else than him... i wouldn't feel well if i would do it with someone else D:
But i talked just some days ago with a classmate of mine about it and she said, she actually WANTS an open relationship, because they are both very active and open minded and she wouldn't care. I asked her, why she wouldn't care because i would care way toooooooo much ... and she said, because if he would have something with another girl, it's not LOVE. He only loves her and she knows that, so if he would have sex with someone else it would mean nothing but sexual pleasure... just like eating cake when you're hungry....
After she said that i thought about it... i guess she was right, but somehow i still can't live with the thought of him being with someone else, neither me being with another guy.. it just doesn't fit in my head...

[Luisina]

I half heartedly considered the possibility when Morten and I first started dating.. we even discussed it a few times.. I mean, I KNEW that in 3 months' time I'd be alone and he would be gone.... for 9 whole months, traveling, meeting new people everywhere he'd go.. and of course I wanted him to be able to get the full experience..
And that (based on my own travels) would quite possibly mean hooking up with a few people along the way.. I mean, there are beautiful girls all over the world.. and 9 months is a looooong time.
But, as the time for his departure drew closer, that option suddenly didn't sound appealing at all...... for either of us..

I guess, bringing up the idea to begin with had been my way of trying to fool myself into thinking that I hadn't fallen so hard lies, all liiiiiiies..

An open relationship might work for some - but when I commit, I do it 110%.. so no WAY I'd be able to handle it.....

I don't wanna share

[LadyMarchHare]

I am really possessive and jealous and so everyone can guess already, that i don't like open relationships very much. I would die inside if i would know, that my SO hooks up with other girls than me... not to mention that i don't even want anyone else than him... i wouldn't feel well if i would do it with someone else D:
But i talked just some days ago with a classmate of mine about it and she said, she actually WANTS an open relationship, because they are both very active and open minded and she wouldn't care. I asked her, why she wouldn't care because i would care way toooooooo much ... and she said, because if he would have something with another girl, it's not LOVE. He only loves her and she knows that, so if he would have sex with someone else it would mean nothing but sexual pleasure... just like eating cake when you're hungry....
After she said that i thought about it... i guess she was right, but somehow i still can't live with the thought of him being with someone else, neither me being with another guy.. it just doesn't fit in my head...

See, to me that reason's complete and utter bullshit. Yes sex can happen without love, but if you're 'with' someone, then it automatically gets linked there. It's why we call sex with someone else 'cheating'. If he wants to have sex, he goes to the girlfriend. She says no, he still has his hand. To say "Well I had the urge and it needed to be filled" is crap because it's not like eating. You can go a day or a week without sex, you need to eat every day to live. It's not like you'll shrivel up like a raisin if you aren't naked in a bed.

Whoops I ranted, sorry.

[Luisina]

It's not like you'll shrivel up like a raisin if you aren't naked in a bed.

agreed!
Oh, mental images

[agentholli]

IF you love someone, sex should be a big part of your life...but just with that person. Open relationships will never work..in my opinion. Its all about just sex..and your partner should be enough..even if you don't see them for a long time.

[SeattleLove]

I am WAY too jealous and posessive for an open relationship as well. I sometime feel awful for my jealousy, I trust him and I know he would never cheat on me. So, obviously, it would kill me, if we had an open relationship. They don't make much sense to me anyway. Isn't the reason, why are a couple in a realtionship, because you love each other? And from my point of view, there is only enough space for two people in this equation..I'm not into ONS and all of those non-relationship-one-night-things anyway....
Well, long story short: I don't like open relationships and I will definately never have one, because if I love someone I want this one to be MINE, all mine and I would never share with anybody else, not even for kisses That's me being possesive haha....But I could also not imagine myself doing stuff with other guys. I'm just not that type of girl I guess...

[Kirschlein]

See, to me that reason's complete and utter bullshit. Yes sex can happen without love, but if you're 'with' someone, then it automatically gets linked there. It's why we call sex with someone else 'cheating'. If he wants to have sex, he goes to the girlfriend. She says no, he still has his hand. To say "Well I had the urge and it needed to be filled" is crap because it's not like eating. You can go a day or a week without sex, you need to eat every day to live. It's not like you'll shrivel up like a raisin if you aren't naked in a bed.

Whoops I ranted, sorry.

Hahaha no problem, i thought its kinda bullshit too... but its not my problem anyway, my SO and me don't want an open relationship xD we are both like: 'miiineeee'

Nice compared though :P

[Laura024]

I agree that open relationships usually don't work. Relationships are about committing to one person. If you give that person your all, you're likely going to get everything you need emotionally and physically from that relationship in return. I mean if you really love someone, there's no point in getting with other people. It seems like he and you might be finding out a committed relationship is a possibility, seeing as how you both don't want to hook up with others at this point. Talk to him and see what he has to say.

[mllebamako]

In my opinion an open relationship equals NOT a relationship. I see it as someone dating multiple people. Or hooking up with multiple people while having a deeper friendship with one of those.

I personally would not want to do it. But that's just moi