Thinking Ahead - Moving to be with your sweetheart

[archangel]

I have spoken to my sweetheart about this topic on several occasions. But each time... we ended up, basically in the same place we started with no answer. We both have brought up possible scenarios of one of using moving to the other and trying to imagine what the cultural change would be like. Since we are 8,000 miles apart... this topic we must find an answer at some point.
So I am wondering ya all if you have any advice or suggestions on how we could talk about this?

Another factor which will affect us... is that I know I will be in post-secondary education for the next six years. I do have some freedom to relocate but that is comes up once... three years from now. After those three years I have the possibility to transfer to any University in the world which offers a Comprehensive Masters Degree of Architecture. Also my sweetheart is also considering to continue her education too, but how long? Possibly another 2-3 years...

Also when should you move to be with your sweetheart? Before marriage or after? (my sweetheart asked me this...)

[polkapiggy]

Well Alex and I have discussed our plans extensively and have come up with the plan that in 2012, he's going to spend his gap year here with me while im in 6th form, then in 2014 I'm going to go spend my gap year with him while he's in the second year of college. Then after that I'll be coming back to england, he'll be staying in america and in 2016 he'll be moving over to england after finishing college. We plan to go live out in the countryside once we have the funds =) We're going to be moving in together before marriage.

I think the best way to talk about it is to list what hopes and dreams you have, and then compromise with your SO so you can get as many of those dreams together in one bundle. You have to be realistic about it, I would love to go and live with Alex now, but I need to finish secondary school and 6th form first. I don't really know how we got into discussing our future, but we discuss it so often its totally normal now. I think just saying what YOU hope for the future and what YOUR plan is means that you can turn your plan into a plan for both of you as you combine the plans. If neither of you have a plan, well then make one up together!

[MadMolly]

Definitely live together before you get married. It would suck if you got married and THEN found out living together is a nightmare.

[Jennifer&Georgex3]

Haha, Molly!

George and I practically live together whenever we see one another, without the 'normality' of job and school interfering. He's very easy to live with and I wouldn't mind folding his clothes for the next forever, to be honest. We both have talked about moving and being together. The way I see it, and want it to become, is: me transferring to a college there whenever I get enough money or I can get a scholarship/grant for a good school. That would be amazing. We both don't mind taking it slow and seeing one another as frequently as we do now. I will be there the whole summer, so I can not complain.

I do agree with Molly, but my parents would disagree, especially my mother. It's not very... "traditional"... Well, mom, sorry that I'm breaking a rule. Put me in the corner... with George!<3

[Gurl]

I would move to be close before marriage, but moving in before marriage would depend on each of your values and beliefs. There is nothing to say you can't maintain separate residences until you do get married...its actually recommended by some relationship experts, but for reasons I totally disagree with.

I agree with the others on how to plan.. You should both come to a discussion with a list of your dreams and hopes for you own life....the things you want to see and do and be during your time here on earth. Then compare them, and find out where you agree and where you will need to compromise. Finally, work on the compromises then start planning time periods.

I love polkapiggy's plans. They offer several times of being close by or living together for around a year before making the final commitment for a permanent relocation. And it sounds like something similar may be best for your relationship, with the schooling that is in the works for you both. You might not be able to have full years together, but several months at a time may be workable..school schedules permitting of course!

The most important thing is to find a way to get to as many of each of your dreams as is realistic without giving up the ones you find are most important to you. Best of luck, I am sure you two will find the best solution with some work.

[Zephii]

Obi and I were 8,000 mines away too. I see you're in BC *waves hello* Go Canadia!!!

I'd deffinantly say move before marriage, even if it's the long holiday kind of move rather than perminant. I think it's crazy to marry and move in with someone without living together beforehand. Loving someone does not mean you can make a relationship work or that their little habbits wont drive you apart over time.

6 years is a long time. I personally could not and would not wait that long to start a life with my SO, I'd feel like I was waiting for my life to begin. If you can figure out what country you'd eventually settle in, you could both aim to study there, though it would be very expensive for the non-native person. Obi and I have had the same talk. He's done post-secondary education and I'm not, and we're in his country. He'll go LD again if I want to study at home, but he wont come with me for the 4 years it'll take. For the time being at least, I've given up on going to Uni and getting the career I'd planned, but that kind of thing brings resentment, so it's not for the faint of heart. Perhaps one of you delaying study might be an option though? Depending how old you are and other factors. Could she delay study for three years and work in Canada, then you both go back to her country to finish your educations? Are you both seeking careers that can be practiced in either country?

It's a sensitive subject, so be gentle and realise that both of you will have to give a little to make it work. Compromise doesn't mean both people are going to be completely happy with the outcome.
Peace, Love and Carrots xx

[ettie]

Definitely live together before you get married. It would suck if you got married and THEN found out living together is a nightmare.

Yessss!!! I agree!!

[ettie]

We both have brought up possible scenarios of one of using moving to the other and trying to imagine what the cultural change would be like. Since we are 8,000 miles apart... this topic we must find an answer at some point. So I am wondering ya all if you have any advice or suggestions on how we could talk about this?

Another factor which will affect us... is that I know I will be in post-secondary education for the next six years. I do have some freedom to relocate but that is comes up once... three years from now. After those three years I have the possibility to transfer to any University in the world which offers a Comprehensive Masters Degree of Architecture. Also my sweetheart is also considering to continue her education too, but how long? Possibly another 2-3 years...

Also when should you move to be with your sweetheart? Before marriage or after? (my sweetheart asked me this...)

My boy and me live in different continents and after almost 4 years of knowing each other (3 of relationship) we decided I would do the moving, we discussed it a lot, had a lot of doubts, fights and everything. In the end, it wasnt until we both visited each others country and see how the other lives that we decided on settling there. Opportunities for us to be happy are better there, sure whoever does the moving will be leaving a lot behind and it will be a great sacrifice (worth it) and the one that stays where they were will often feel bad for allowing the other to leave everything behind (he says it all the time) but in the end is where you both are happy, it doesnt even have to be in either of your countries. Find one that you both like and that means opportunities to both of you and also think about what is easier. In my country it would take up to 10 years for him to become a citizen (not getting married) and in his, it takes me like 3 years and I dont have to! Anyway, what worked for us? Making a huge list of pros and cons (like the factors you mentioned above, I am sure there are lots more), and reviewing it reviewing it reviewing it!!

About when to do the moving, when it feels right, when the one doing the moving is ready to leave everything they are used to behind, and the one receiving the other is ready to share....definetly before marriage (but thats just me :P)

[Mio]

Before deciding to wich country any will move, think about how it would be for the work, the living, the language, etc. What would be easier for both of you to have a life together. It takes time and consideration. Is like a little study case, lol. My SO will be the one moving, it's all set now!

[Taija]

It's already been decided that I will be the one to make the big move - it's unfortunate, because I'd rather not leave my country, but his medical condition makes it nearly impossible for him to move. =/ I just really don't know if I'll be able to be happy in America.

I would agree that you should live together before getting married in normal circumstances, but in our situation, the easiest way for me to move to the US is through the K-1 Fiancee Visa and then getting married. I'm not worried about whether or not living together will work out, though - our visits are long and we spend them 24/7 together, so I know the ups and downs of living with him.

[Tanja]

Definitely live together before you get married. It would suck if you got married and THEN found out living together is a nightmare.

I agree with Molly, perfectly said.

[archangel]

Your idea of moving in together is great but there is one problem...
In Canada you can move in together before marriage BUT In Malaysia (from what she has told me) you move in together after marriage. Huge cultural difference*sigh*

Thank you all for your advice!!

We are going to make a list of all our hopes and dreams, figure out how long it takes to become a citizen of ones country (and possibly others), and also make a list of all the pros and cons about that country.
And in the end whichever country has more things we agree with, with less compromise we shall take it from there.

The Journey begins to find the answer!