I desperately need advice. Am I justified or being irrational? Body issues.

[Butterfly]

Hey everyone. Because I am still relatively new to this site, and I have a bit of an unusual situation, I am going to give a little back-story.

I dated my SO for 4 years in high school. We were high school sweethearts, things were absolutely perfect. As I entered college, I decided I wanted to "see what else was out there," blah blah blah. I had two other relationships in the meantime. I weighed 115 lbs when we broke up.

Fast forward 5 years later and here we are. We found each other again and have been together since May. Believe me when I say he is the perfect guy. He always was, and still is. He is supportive, tells me I'm beautiful every single day and generally always makes me feel so great about myself. We live across the country from one another now. He comes in every 3 months and thus far we have been just fine with the whole long distance thing. Aside from one issue I'm dealing with... I now weigh 155 lbs... Big difference from my weight in HS.

Anyways, like I said, he seems to have no issue with it. But, here's what happened. We were talking tonight and he made a comment about Christmas. He told me his Mom had asked him what he was going to get me.. She then proceeded to tell him that he shouldn't get me clothes like he used to in high school because it's "just not a good idea." Am I wrong for feeling hurt? I know he immediately felt awful when he said it because he could hear me start to cry. It's a touchy subject for me and he knows that Also, knowing his mother, that is not the only thing she said. I'm sure other comments were made and it just makes me feel so damn insecure. I'm very confident when it comes to everything else in life, but this just gets me.

I couldn't hold the tears back and I ended up telling him we would just talk tomorrow. He feels bad, but seriously, I just found that to be so insensitive. I know I'm probably being overly emotional, but my weight is just something I've been struggling with for so long. It's especially hard considering he/his family knew me when I was stick thin in high school. It's difficult. Now on top of it, I feel like I blew a valuable night we could have had to Skype. I'm just a mess.

Thank you all so much for listening, you have no idea how nice it is to know I have this support forum to come to. Any advice/input would be greatly appreciated.

[Frank]

Always remember you have every right to feel how you feel. If you felt hurt, you felt hurt. What is important is that he understands what he said was insensitive and that he really is sorry.
Weight is always a touchy subject, and whenever that issue comes up, words need to be chosen carefully to protect the feelings of others.
Don't let the 'blown skype night' irk you too much. I know I have said doltish things to Michelle before and the night becomes about us resolving an issue or not having fun together. It happens...Tomorrow is another day and you will have more chances to talk. Things will get better .

[Heather]

When Jason first showed a picture of me to his mom, she said something along the lines of.."well she's chunky" =/ I've always known I'm fat, but I hate hearing it.. I don't really know what to say, I know it's difficult, I'm sorry that this happened and you're feeling this way.

[Laura024]

I understand why you got upset over that comment. We all have things that we are self-conscious about. I have nights where I get emotional on Skype. That's the good thing about having a supportive SO though...they want to help you feel better. So I might be upset and ignore my boyfriend for awhile while I think negative thoughts, but I always end up talking to him about it, feeling better, and being myself again. Sometimes we need to cry it out before getting to the issue. Just try to remind yourself that your boyfriend loves you for who you are, and the weight change is insignificant.

[Zephii]

Like Frank said, you feel how you feel, and irrational or not that's always valid. *Comfort hugs* With that said, if your weight distresses you so much, you're the one in control of it and might think about making the necessary changes to return to whatever your healthy weight range is.
Don't worry too much about the exact number on the scales though, it's unlikely it's actually healthy for you now to be so thin. You've probably grown in important healthy ways since highschool. It's natural to have gained some weight.

I think maybe he told you simply because he was hurt and shocked too, and he turned to you out of instinct, not really thinking about how that would be received. *more hugs*

[Butterfly]

Always remember you have every right to feel how you feel. If you felt hurt, you felt hurt.

Thank you so much for putting it like that, I feel a little less crazy and overly emotional now. I needed to hear that.

[Butterfly]

When Jason first showed a picture of me to his mom, she said something along the lines of.."well she's chunky" =/ I've always known I'm fat, but I hate hearing it.. I don't really know what to say, I know it's difficult, I'm sorry that this happened and you're feeling this way.

Ugh, I'm so sorry she said that. I know how hurtful it can be to hear it. Especially from someone who may be part of your family someday. I think that's why I got so upset. ;/

[Butterfly]

I understand why you got upset over that comment. We all have things that we are self-conscious about. I have nights where I get emotional on Skype. That's the good thing about having a supportive SO though...they want to help you feel better. So I might be upset and ignore my boyfriend for awhile while I think negative thoughts, but I always end up talking to him about it, feeling better, and being myself again. Sometimes we need to cry it out before getting to the issue. Just try to remind yourself that your boyfriend loves you for who you are, and the weight change is insignificant.

I soooo needed to cry it out. I'm still irritated and hurt, but I feel much more centered. And you're right.. he loves me for me, and I shouldn't have taken it out on him that way. Sometimes feelings just take over and there's nothing you can do. I'm glad I told him we'd talk later, because if I would have stayed on the phone I probably would have just caused a fight over my emotions.

[Rosebud]

It's exactly as Frank said and he really hit he nail on the head. Do not feel guilty for feeling how you feel. It sounds to me that it's really your boyfriend's mother who was the one making such comments about you and any type of negativity along with them, and perhaps your boyfriend simply didn't think it all the way through when he was relaying the conversation to you. So tonight you guys didn't get to skype, yeah that sucks but don't beat yourself up over it because you'll have other nights and I think you did a good job in stepping away from the situation before it could blow it up into a huge arguement. You're handling it maturely, knowing that it's okay to be upset and not directing that frustration at your boyfriend because it really sounds like he was regretful of it. I do think you should discuss the issue with him a bit further, but once you're calmer so you can say explain why you were so hurt.

And Zephii, I know you meant to help, but telling someone who is unhappy with their weight that they should 'think about making some changes' is truly a rather insensitive thing to say. As the OP even said in her post, she's been struggling with her weight and has likely already in the attempts of these changes. But changing ones body can take a long time and is more difficult for some people than another and being offered the "helpful" suggestion to get healthy when they're already in the midst of that battle can really feel like a slap in the face.

[Gurl]

Lots of things I could say... I have been FAT all my life. I've always been obese and am morbidly so now. I KNOW making the changes is not easy, but I also own my part in my size. On the other hand, the OPs weight seems pretty reasonable to me unless she's under 5 foot tall. I think the weight recommendations of doctors are ludicrous to say the least. There is no way I should weight 150 lbs at 5'6" taking my bone structure into account! I'd look sickly underweight, trust me.

To the OP. Learn to love yourself as you are. So what if you have a slight belly pooch...I bet he finds it cute (I know I find it nice for a chick to have a little belly myself). You gotta big butt, work that badonkadonk. Take what you are seeing as negative and make it as positive as possible. If your at an unhealthy weight, than by all means, take steps to get it down. But loving yourself as you are right now is a major step towards doing so.

With his mom's stupid comment, that's her problem. He loves you as you are. You can get on the road to self acceptance. Changing an attitude like hers...not likely. You have to learn to let comments from those who don't matter roll off your back like water off a ducks back. I've had a LOT of practice, and it can take years to get good at doing so, but it can be done.

Best of luck with your journey, and all you encounter in life. LFAD is here to support you.

[Lunar Snow]

What Zephii says is absolutely right--our bodies continue to change after our teenage years. It is likely that the weight you are at right now is healthier for your adult body than being "stick thin." Yes, often women will gain some more fat tissue as they age, but can also build more lean muscle tissue--so, you can show off a figure that would show you off as a fertile woman (i.e. curves are sexy) and be strong. I struggle with ups and downs in my weight and I totally get how you feel focused on it and sensitive to silly comments people might make (I happen to be feeling kind of poorly about my weight gain lately, but am taking some steps to work on my health and I also think being able to identify with others helps me stop focusing so much on my poor feelings about it).

I do think it was a no-no for him to bring up what his Mom said about the clothes--it seems ill thought out for someone to bring the thoughts of family members or friends into commonly sensitive topics or to draw or imply comparisons. (E.g. My ex looked at a picture of a ballet trio that I did with well...two ex friends (they turned into really nasty girls, but that's another story). I choreographed it, my Mom made gorgeous tutus for us, and I was also the most experienced and technical dancer of the group, oh...and I had been rather sick with the flu sometime before the dance so was actually quite thin. His response? "Oh, they are the thin sort of dancers. I'm glad you don't fit the traditional model of a dancer." >:O What a jerk. Maybe his heart could have been in an okay place thinking that I didn't feel the pressure to have an eating disorder to fit in...but it felt really hurtful, because I was compared to them, it was implied that I was not thin ("thin" generally has a positive connotation, in my opinion, where he could have used "extremely skinny" or something to make his proper point), and it just brought to mind all the stereotypes of dancers out there, etc. Plus, I still remember it to this day.)

Sorry! A lot of brackets going on there--I hope it made some sense. I did want to mention that it might just be of his Mom's generation to discourage people to buy clothes for gifts. It is really hard to get someone's size right (from store to store things vary and within the store, even, sizes vary--it's ridiculous!) and it is the classic taboo to give one's girlfriend or boyfriend the wrong size and end up in a rock and a hard place situation. ...but it wasn't cool for her to imply that it was okay in high school, but not now. I think he just shouldn't have brought up what she said. I do think that clothes make nice gifts, so maybe there is a way that clothing can still be a good idea. Accessories like scarves, mittens, etc. are usually one size, and so are snuggly bathrobes. I also think that lingerie could be a great alternative (not sure of your ages or if you are at a stage in the relationship where that would be suitable), but guys often find it pretty alluring to get some nice lingerie for their ladies. Or...ooo...pjs...or slippers!

[Silviar]

You have every right to be upset, especially if her comments were based in thoughtlessness. However, I do have something that your post struck a chord with me. You mentioned feeling overly sensitive. But your body is growing up, and gaining weight out of high school is normal. Some people do have a really difficult time to adjusting to their body changes out of high school - I was one of them, and it was extremely difficult for me.

I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel uncomfortable or unconfident in your own skin. And don't be afraid to seek counseling if it ends up changing how you feel about your body. Weight gain isn't worth gaining body issues over.

[Stephanieeee]

Eh, dont let it get to you. Im sure she wasn't insulting you, just stating that you arn't the same as you were in high school, but who is? 5 years later, you've grown a lot. Nobody stays the same when they morph into adult hood. Im sure you've made lots of other lovely changes that he's thankful for.

[Dauntedpoet]

I am sure he didn't know it would upset you, he was probably figuring you'd say, "I'd love to get some clothes, there is this one thing at blah blah blah"

Also honey, I truly think the mom was speaking about her experiences of getting gifts from her husband. I mean I don't know how long she's been married but I am sure her husband has bought her the most atrocious clothes on earth and she's had to smile and wear them, or return them because he bought the wrong size. Maybe she was thinking of how bad you would feel if your SO bought you clothes that were too small, as all men do unless we give them a list WITH PHOTO'S of what we want with color and size and store to purchase it at. (sorry guys, that's been MY experience) She was probably trying to help him NOT hurt you.

[Butterfly]

THANK YOU ALL SO, SO, SO, MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSES! They were all so well thought out, insightful and kind. I am thinking so much clearer today, as I was just overwhelmed with emotion last night. (Also, & I'm not sure if this is TMI, but it's "about that time..." and as most of us know, that usually makes everything a tad more difficult.) I really do have to say what great people you all are; I am so blessed to have found this support forum. So, thank you, thank, you, thank you!

I am sure he didn't know it would upset you, he was probably figuring you'd say, "I'd love to get some clothes, there is this one thing at blah blah blah"

Also honey, I truly think the mom was speaking about her experiences of getting gifts from her husband. I mean I don't know how long she's been married but I am sure her husband has bought her the most atrocious clothes on earth and she's had to smile and wear them, or return them because he bought the wrong size. Maybe she was thinking of how bad you would feel if your SO bought you clothes that were too small, as all men do unless we give them a list WITH PHOTO'S of what we want with color and size and store to purchase it at. (sorry guys, that's been MY experience) She was probably trying to help him NOT hurt you.

As for this post.. ^^^ Thank you for putting it that way. You're right, she was just trying to give her son some helpful advice on what not do to. Because I agree, I think I'd be embarrassed if he got me something far too small that didn't fit or something really huge! lol Thanks for giving me the perspective of his Mom. I guess it just surprised me that he would even mention that conversation.. But oh well, I've moved on!