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    #1

    Seems Like a Mess....

    In my intro thread I mentioned how my guy and I both have trust issues based on 2 very different experiences.
    Him: He was cheated on during his marriage and was married for about 12 years (we are in our mid-late 30s). As we all know, cheaters usually have a knack of laying blame upon the innocent by accusing them of doing wrong things. I believe this is what happened to him so when I ask him a casual question his immediate response is being on the defensive. He is also vague about things as he is in the mindset "no one needs to know my business unless I feel they need to know". All he wants is to be trusted...

    Me: I've dated A LOT (unlike him) in my adult years and 98% of the guys I've been with have lied left and right on me and cheated. I'm pretty damaged with that. HOWEVER, I have kinda been where he has so I can understand the mindset "I just want to be trusted no matter what"

    I recently recognized this scenerio and realized that we BOTH need to work together to make each other comfortable. Now, I wasn't the innocent one either earlier in our relationship as I naturally placed him in the category of "jerk" just because he didn't text me back immediately or wasn't specific the way I wanted him to be when I asked a question.

    This past summer we talked about marriage and our future together. We both have kids (him 2, me 1) and discussed various things when it came to them too. But, he became frustrated with me around Sept. thinking that I wasn't trusting him again. He also felt overwhelmed with a lot of things going on in his life (legal things, ex wife, kids, job, etc) and because he felt I was being so demanding it was really stressing him out and overwhelming him.

    We have been working on things for a few months now however, things haven't been the same and it makes me sad I have a hard time dealing with it.

    We haven't talked to each other for 5 days now = ( Our last "conversation" (it was text) was him getting all mad at me because he felt I wasn't trusting him on a situation. That wasn't the case at all....

    I wrote him an email on Mon. basically letting him know that we both need to help each other out if we want things to work but I haven't heard anything back = (

    Currently, he's in another state for a job interview and won't be back to his homestate until Sunday.

    I should also mention that the long distance is REALLY getting to me. It doesn't help that I don't want to be living far away from him and that I am really missing family and friends, not to mention my job treats me horribly. I already decided to get out of here next summer but I was hoping my guy would have decided on a job offer in the next few months so that I could leave out of here earlier.

    I just don't know what to do, if anything. I was hoping he would be missing me by now and contact me.....
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    #2
    I am not sure what advice to give you..but I am so sorry. Trust issues are so hard to deal with. I have had some major trust issues..and sometimes those things play into my mind when something isn't going the way I want it to. I really hope he contacts you soon. You are very patient..i would be FReAKING out! Good luck

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      #3
      I'd suggest counseling, but it sounds like your guy wouldn't be willing as he's built up a wall for everyone to be on the other side of almost subconsciously. Sounds like there's a touch of paranoia there too, but I guess I would be too after all that.

      Have you guys ever sat down and talked seriously about this situation, like telling him that his acting x way hurts you and letting him have his say on what hurts him so you guys can work on it together? It might help, I can't say for sure unless he's willing to open up, but maybe saying "I feel like you don't trust me anymore and that hurts me" could pave the way for that. It's seriously hard to get past trust issues, but if you guys can't trust one another or you're getting mad/hysterical/what have you at one another when they don't act the way you want (like with the contact) then things aren't going to work out. And I understand outside stress from work, exes, the kids and the like can get to you both and seep into what time you have, I know my outside stressers have done that and I've said things I didn't need to/didn't mean, but that's life and if a "sorry" can't fix it then there's a bigger issue at hand.

      In any case, I wish you the best of luck and I hope he does contact you as I know how waiting for some word, any word, from the SO feels. Be strong, girl.

      Comment

        #4
        Thank you both and you are very right LadyMarchHare. I agree that without trust, there is no relationship. It's not healthy...

        I have been trying very hard to work on myself and just not let things bother me so much. I have tried to be more patient and just let anything that I think might make me upset just roll off my back. I really have no reason not to trust him. I'm seriously just making things up in my head but I believe that I have made some great strides with that. That's why i am seeing more and more how he needs to help as well.

        The last time we tried to talk about things he was domineering with the conversation and just kept repeating things that I have heard before. When I tried to respond, no I wasn't yelling but I did have forcefulness in my voice, he hung the phone up on me. He's very stubborn and we our personalities are a lot alike (that can be good and bad I've seen...)

        I guess I'll just wait a few more days to see if he contacts me and then....I don't know. Just blows my mind that marriage was on our minds and now we are like this

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          #5
          wow....this is TOTALLY my situation! Only I am 26 and he is 30 and we have no children. Everything else is the same and I am the one who is VERY patient in this situation an I try to fix things and avoid difficult situation. It is HARD though, coz he is more impulsive and emotional and gets offended easily over nothing and it takes him forever to calm down...We too have trust issues big time.
          I too need help with this coz I do not know what to do

          Comment

            #6
            At the risk of sounding like a "Therapist"...there are quite a few great books out there that can help you figure out the "trust" issues. If you're open to reading them...I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic...and fear of abandonment and trust issues were a HUGE part of my past relationship failures. I'm happy to say, that I've done a lot of work on my own...and that I now have a guy who is willing to WORK with me on the issues that still linger. Not that I don't frustrate him from time-to-time...we're still allowed to be human...but, if we learn some coping skills, it makes it A LOT easier to bounce back from set backs and allows us to communicate our needs much more effectively.

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by jerseygirl904 View Post
              At the risk of sounding like a "Therapist"...there are quite a few great books out there that can help you figure out the "trust" issues. If you're open to reading them...I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic...and fear of abandonment and trust issues were a HUGE part of my past relationship failures. I'm happy to say, that I've done a lot of work on my own...and that I now have a guy who is willing to WORK with me on the issues that still linger. Not that I don't frustrate him from time-to-time...we're still allowed to be human...but, if we learn some coping skills, it makes it A LOT easier to bounce back from set backs and allows us to communicate our needs much more effectively.
              ooh thanks for that! (p.s. my dad is/was an alcoholic and my guy used to drink alcohol quite heavily but has completely stopped drinking)

              I guess I just need to try to find a way to talk with him on working things out without sounding threatening.
              Tissa, I am so glad you shared that because now I don't feel so alone. Thing is, my guy is seriously JUST LIKE my dad lol when it comes to his attitude about things. It kind of drives me nuts but at the same time I lived with that attitude and those behaviors for 18 years so I kinda know how to deal with it....

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                #8
                I have never in my life met anyone like my BF with such a controlling attitude and jealousy and insecurities. It does drive me up to the ceiling sometimes and I go nuts. I too become jealous around him and insecure even though I do not normally feel that way.
                I love him to death but sometimes I just have no idea how to deal with it and sometimes I feel like he doesnt love me, or that it doesnt worth it (but deep inside I feel like it does)

                Comment

                  #9
                  oh, see mine isn't controlling and he doesn't get jealous, at least he doesn't express that to me. Mine is just very private when it comes to his personal life. His best friend is the same way and so is my dad.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    The "privacy" thing is just control in another form. They feel that they can control who or what they let in/out and that's their protective "barrier". If you're really interested, I'll write down the names of some of the books that helped. Better yet...here's a link to Amazon.com's page
                    https://https://www.amazon.com/s/ref...+of+alcoholics

                    The first book, "Adult Children of Alcoholics" is good...and I would also recommend "Perfect Daughters"

                    Comment

                      #11
                      link didn't work for me = (

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